Is this a “SUCCESS” story? I think so, here’s why…

[kells76]

We're here together because a person in our lives struggles with BPD, which tests our boundaries in significant ways. We
"practice what we preach" by following appropriate boundaries here on the message boards, both as thread hosts and participants.

This is an educational reminder to all members that per Guideline 1.2, thread content must be about the thread host's own issues. Thread hosts may not use their thread to discuss other members' questions/issues, and other members may not use a hosted thread for their own questions/issues.

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Warmly;

kells76 for the team

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[usagi]

Hi kells,

Thank you for the clarification on board policies.  I'll keep that in mind in the future.

[SaltyDawg]

Kells,

   Thank you for the reminder.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

An update, my wife had another 'lapse' on Monday evening which I have described in detail over in a new thread where she has described a full understanding of self-awareness and how one of the more important tools we use "S.E.T. Communications" doesn't work, and why it doesn't work for her at:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358630

[SaltyDawg]

Earlier on Tuesday we had a couple's session on the incident I mentioned in my previous post and we did a deep dive on it.  It is amazing how my wife's narrative changed from the day after to more than a week later.   The BPD is still there; however, it is at a manageable level.

I did and still call it a lapse, as she is still on track on suppressing her symptoms.  She is doing the heavy lifting in fixing herself.  All I can do is be supportive and validate her on her progress, and perhaps nudge her here and there with the art of persuasion and influencing.

I also recently found an article that pretty much describes some of the more nuanced interactions I have learned to do with my wife from a website and is "Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST-S":  https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-relationships

For the exception of the "social media may be a presence" section, for my particular situation it is spot on.

I found the entire article validating as it pretty much described the communications and willingness to change in order to strengthen and improve the relationship.

Thanks for letting me share.  Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Another quick update.

Even though there has been one bump - the bump is an improvement, I'll start there.

About a week ago, my wife came home from work being flustered as her scapegoat got laid off, so she is now taking responsibility for what she used to blame the scapegoat for - while this is difficult for her, I am validating her feelings, and seems to be managing this without too many breakdowns. 

Briefly, this spilled over again, yet once again, to our son, she lost her stuff on him; however, she was able to self-re-regulate quickly without interference from me a few minutes later and to be genuinely remorseful and apologize for her behavior - this is a vast improvement from wait for a sleep cycle to happen for the re-regulating portion, and the remorse is a new feature in her personality and I am very grateful for it, as it indicate full self-awareness, albeit after the fact, of her bad behaviors and is actively repairing the damage that she does.

The ultimate goal is to prevent it from happening in the first place; however, this is a tremendous improvement from a year ago.

Now I would like to share a really good aspect from the past two weeks...

We had been given gift certificates to a couple of B&B's over the years (all pre-COVID) and we finally utilized these gift certificates.  She was able to enjoy herself, with a minimum amount of stress (nothing like before) where we were able to reconnect and enjoy each other's company unencumbered by outside stressors.  We also followed this up with a white water rafting down a major mountain river and visit national parks, and we had romantic meals with along with a visit to a very nice vinyard and historical sites - all kid free - another potential stressor. 

The kids were at summer camps out of state, or were supposed to be - one got cancelled and we were able to work around this with a sleep over at a friend's house and having a grandmother watch one of them.  This enabled a very nice time to continue repair the relationship with my wife and continue to move forward with wife's recovery, that for the most part is in remission, and when it does peek its ugly head out, she is self-aware about it, and will address it shortly after an incident/episode happens - very nice progress from my perspective that I thought this would never happen.  I am very grateful to our higher power for letting this miracle happen which was followed up with additional revelations of our higher power.

Thanks for letting me share all of the effort that I have done much of which I learned from other users on this site, several therapists, a few support groups, and an unwavering commitment to not give up is now paying off in my life.

Take care with self-care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Another update...

This one is predominantly positive even though there were several stressors like two separate vacations in the past few weeks, one a week long and new to us a few states away involving our son's sport's team that my wife and I coordinated for a large group that included her extended family, which normally would have resulted in a lot more drama that what actually happened.  The other was a routine get-a-way to a resort town the next state over that we have done a few times per year for the past two decades+.

There were 'no' major dysregulations to the point of being disordered.  However, she was upset a few times, and understandably so - while her response was greater than a normal person; however, her niece and her niece's partner was able to reason with her logically and bring her emotional temperature back down concerning an incident surrounding our son and his sports coach.  I was a bit upset and vocalised it [in a normal tone of voice]; however, I was not nearly as animated nor as verbose about it as my wife was and one of our friends who is dADHD.

I feel, it's okay to have drama, as long as it is handled in a rational way and everyone is reasonable about it - for the most part - this is what happened.

My wife has also decided to initiate a lot of emotional repair to our relationship including expressing a huge list of 'gratitudes' towards and about me - I thought this would never have happened; however, it is happening much to my amazement.  I appreciated it to the point of having tears of joy.   

While not nearly as intense as the 'love bombing' phase early on in our relationship - it would seem that I am now my wife's FP (favorite person), again - this time with realistic expectations of me, rather than the unrealistic ones she had of me back then, nearly two decades ago.

To summarize, progress with my wife is back 'on-track' and she is doing amazingly well, even with the stressors of vacationing in a new location, and was able to recover nicely from the one 'near' dysregulation she had.  I can definitely sense her much higher than average emotionality; however, she is doing an excellent job of recognizing when she is heading towards becoming dysregulated and is using her tools to keep them 'in check' even though at times it is difficult for her and I see her struggle with it.  I personally would characterize it as her being back in 'remission' even though she had two episodes with our tween son last month in response to a very big stressor at her work.

With regards to last month's drama at her work, she has been able to process and adapt to the new work dynamic and seems to have settled down a bit on her emotionality as it has become her 'new normal'.

Even though there were a few bumps in the past few weeks, these for the most part are nearly normal bumps, and while one was a bit difficult for her to process immediately, she was able to work through it the following day (after a sleep-cycle).  The BPD is under the surface, and I can still sense it when she becomes emotionally activated (triggered); however, her emotional responses are nowhere near where they were a couple of years ago.

Thanks for letting me share.  Take care.

[thankful person]

SD,

Glad to hear things are continuing to go well for you and your family. My wife and I are also doing ok and she is most of the time calm, sane, and reasonable. I often praise her for coping well in a way that some people may find patronising, but she doesn’t take offence and I think she likes that I recognise when she’s kept herself and her emotions under control. She has not had any of the open realisations your wife had or done any of the work to self-improve. However, she knows that her rages were scaring the children (even though she wouldn’t admit it), and her unfair treatment of them was making them not trust her, which reminds me of that awful time on Valentine’s Day when D4 made me a heart at nursery and not bpdw “because I love Mama and not Mummy”. These days D4 often tells w how much she adores her and says, “You’re the best, Mummy!” I’m so happy to hear it, as they say “happy wife, happy life” .

I have even found myself daring to make light of my wife’s ridiculous behaviours sometimes, such as a couple of days ago when she refused to tell me whether she wanted some of the meal I was making for the kids, or whether I could use a jar of pasta sauce which she had previously said she didn’t want me to use. I actually laughed with her about how impossible she could be at times and she actually laughed with me.

I will not allow her that power she used to have over me, where I can now decide if I’m being treated unfairly, and whether to accept it. With our 4th child on the way due November, I am surely bracing myself for the storm ahead. However w is more settled in our new town with a few friends, so I’m hoping that will help her and us, and she’s also strangely gained an interest in wanting to pay off debts and save actual money for the future. Most of the money she has comes from an allowance I give her which is dependent on me working, so I’m hoping that even after baby arrives she will not be pressuring me to miss work. I am going to have a couple of weeks off school but continue my after school and online lessons, at her suggestion (obviously dependent on her being well enough after the birth).

Thank you again SD and to anyone reading this who knows me and has helped me. I cannot imagine how my life would be now without being a member of bpd family for the past 3.5 year, but it would certainly be worse. You’re all amazing and it’s wonderful to come to a place full of caretakers  . And to anyone new here, you can make changes which will give you more strength in your relationship, and I remember how relieved and excited I was (although equally terrified of standing up for myself) when I discovered this. Learning to validate and not JADE have hugely helped my wife feel I’m on her side and not against her. 2024 has been a really good year tbh and 2023 was one of the years from hell (the first year of our 3rd child’s life). So yes I am worried about next year but I am determined it will not be as bad as last year. Always thinking of you all friends.

[SaltyDawg]

ThankfulPerson,

   It's always nice to hear from you.

   I am happy for you that your dBPDw is mostly clam, sane, and reasonable.  I too often praise my pwBPD for her good behavior and shows gratitude for this.  Like you, I know others might find patronising as well; however, it is effective in my wife's recovery process, so I use it.

   Like your situation, my wife also knew that she was scaring both the children and me too as she had written it in her journal that she tactfully left out (and I read, at the time it was without her permission; however, more recently she has given me permission to read it).  I shared this with her therapist as well as our couple's therapist and we were able to do meaningful repair to our relationship because of this, even though it took a lot longer than I had hoped for, about half a year.

[...]which reminds me of that awful time on Valentine’s Day when D4 made me a heart at nursery and not bpdw “because I love Mama and not Mummy”. These days D4 often tells w how much she adores her and says, “You’re the best, Mummy!” I’m so happy to hear it, as they say “happy wife, happy life” .

I am wondering if your D4 has learned how to appease 'Mummy' so she does not get the wrath of 'Mummy'?  Since you are closest to D4, what are your thoughts on this? 

I know both of my children do this a lot, and they still do it.  With our D17, it has become a bit of a 'running joke' where our D17 prefaces "Mother Dearest, ___________" with whatever she wants to communicate when my wife is on edge, and she also does this to me when my wife is that way so there is no perceived preference where D17 will address me as "Father Dearest, ___________" in the same manner.  I in return use "Daughter Dearest" and "Dearest Wife" to keep with the light hearted banter to keep the situation from devolving.  I use whatever works that has evolved through a bit of trial and error.

With regards to "Happy Wife, Happy Life".  I used to say that, until I came across what I feel is a much better expression of "Happy Spouse, Happy House" where there is reciprocity that is required for a relationship versus a very one-sided (in my case) as it excluded the husband from that statement when only the wife could be happy [but wasn't].

I too have started to make light of the ridiculous behaviors my wife previously did when she observes them in D17's bf's mother.  More often than not, it is met with a very icy retort as she doesn't want be reminded of these, and indicates she is painfully aware of her past behaviors on this matter.  I agree with her; however, I do have a sharp tongue at times and have to make an immediate repair with an apology.  It almost feels as though I am doing subconscious needling to make up for past wrongs at times.

I too will not allow the power my wife used to have over me.  I've been able to shift the power dynamic to being nearly normal by setting firm, but fair and enforceable boundaries, while using good communication tools and other tools to ensure stability while also relaxing some of the tools and boundaries to allow for more natural and normal behaviors as they need to be flexible enough to accommodate the situation of the moment which includes emotional growth on my wife's part which is amazing to watch her develop in this manner.

With regards to #4 on the way, you know your wife the best.  Plan for the worst - the storm that you speak of; however, be mindful of the tools we have learned to contain and weather that storm with minimal damage to yourself and your children.

I love the fact you have 'suggested' or 'influenced' your wife into saving money for the future, even if it is from your income as an allowance to her.  It sounds like that you are making progress, and even if it doesn't seem like it, I feel that your wife is listening to you, at least on this aspect.  Keep using the tools from M. Fjelsted's books as I have found them as an exceptionally good foundation in my relationship with my wife as they were eventually adopted when I did my own version of influencing with suggestions and "I would like ______" statements.

And to anyone new here, you can make changes which will give you more strength in your relationship, and I remember how relieved and excited I was (although equally terrified of standing up for myself) when I discovered this. Learning to validate and not JADE have hugely helped my wife feel I’m on her side and not against her.

I've learned here and elsewhere that validation is the key to connecting on an emotional level with your pwBPD that will enable progress in addition to not JADE when she is triggered (emotionally activated), and as you shared, standing up for yourself is so important - it was the very first step on my journey to a happier life with my borderline wife - SELF-CARE.

Thanks for sharing.  Take care.

SaltyDawg

[thankful person]

I just recognised the rollercoaster ride with such clarity I thought I would share it..
It’s literally been a rollercoaster since we met in 2013, but very clearly since the first pregnancy:
2019 happy year pregnant with and birthing D4
2020 year from HELL D4’s first year
2021 a bit more happy pregnant with D3 then straight to hell when she was born and she actually nearly died which made things harder too of course.
2022 happy year pregnant with and birthing S1
2023 year from HELL well you probably remember that
2024 happy year pregnant with new baby
2025 yep I know where this rollercoaster is going…

Yes D4 does more pictures and things for my wife to appease her. I know it is somewhat of a concern and hope it will be easier as she grows older and I can talk to her in more detail. D4 is very different from my wife and the others. She has a quiet strength. She keeps her emotions fairly hidden. She is very sensitive though. When my wife snaps at her she will often quietly seek comfort from me, like I will give her a quick hug when my wife’s out of the room just to show my support.

Funny you should say about the validation…Today I commented on a Facebook post where a man was sharing his advice for supporting your wife after giving birth:
(1) Take the baby from her every chance you get.
(2) Change nappies whenever you get the chance.
(3) Always make her a decaf coffee even though she might not often drink it.
(4) Tell her she’s beautiful.
(5) Weather the hormones etc.
I made the point that w may not want you to take the baby, or change its’ nappy, or make any kind of drink, or indeed tell her she’s beautiful. Several women attacked me for my comment but I put it to my wife and she agreed with me . It made me realise how well I’ve come to understand her. But you never know, maybe my comment helped someone with one of those “difficult” wives.
“Happy wife, happy life” was a comment made by man we bought our house from. Funnily he didn’t even want to move and that’s why he said it. I think when people say that maybe what they actually mean is that their wife is permanently dissatisfied…

[Notwendy]

I am glad things are looking better. If we consider that BPD behaviors are coping mechanisms, then it would make sense that there would be more of them during times of stress. So looking at a period of calm as improvement and a dysregulation as a set back may not be what is going on. I think one can say there's improvement in your coping skills- and not adding to drama- which reduces the overall stress and drama in your relationship.

You can help keep a pwBPD calmer by being an emotional caretaker and doing what you can to soothe them. However, this doesn't change their own ability to cope- as you are doing it for them. While we know this isn't the desirable behavior- depending on the pwBPD's ability to cope, it seems to be an aspect of these relationship dynamics- to gain some kind of calmness, for at least some of the time. I think it's important to keep in mind - this is a choice. "Pick your battles" as they say.

If they dysregulate but you don't react, or JADE, or add to the drama- that is progress- on your part.

TP- one observation with your wife is that she seems to do better when pregnant. People react differently to pregnancy hormones- some feel great, some feel nausea and are tired. Your wife seems to be one of those who feel good when pregnant. Childbirth involves a drop in these hormones. Breast feeding also involves hormones. So there could be a physical component to your wife's behavior during pregnancy and after. Knowing this, you can anticipate some of it and not take it personally.

[SaltyDawg]

I am glad things are looking better. If we consider that BPD behaviors are coping mechanisms, then it would make sense that there would be more of them during times of stress. So looking at a period of calm as improvement and a dysregulation as a set back may not be what is going on. I think one can say there's improvement in your coping skills- and not adding to drama- which reduces the overall stress and drama in your relationship.

NW,

I don't think that this is the case regarding my coping skills.  I am actually doing a lot less walking on hand-grenades [eggshells] as I am more confident that she will no longer explode on the slightest mis-step I make.  If anything since I am less hypervigilant my coping skills are being used less and  those skills are starting to atrophy from lack of continual use.

You can help keep a pwBPD calmer by being an emotional caretaker and doing what you can to soothe them. However, this doesn't change their own ability to cope- as you are doing it for them.

Yes, I used to do that for her.  The last two near dysregulations, I did not intervene at all, and she was able to self-re-regulate within an hour, and totally recovered from her anxiety with a sleep cycle that she is now self-aware that sleep will essentially do a soft reboot of her emotional system that I had previously explained to her and the therapist.  I still do stand-by and only get involved if she is unable to self-soothe especially if it involves one or both of our children if I sense her becoming dysregulated.  I am also using my art of persuasion to encourage her to do stuff that used to set her off in order to build up her stress tolerance.  I still come to the rescue for her from time to time, only as needed or asked; however, it is becoming a lot less frequent.  Her emotional age has increased from perhaps 2-3 years of age, to about 7-12.  I still care-take; however, not nearly at the level I did previously, I am being deliberate in weaning her off my caretaking behaviors.  We had this discussion earlier today along this very topic in our couple's therapy, where I discussed at length shifting from saying 'yes' all of the time to her [that would not satisfy her], to saying 'no' quite frequently even though she feels as though I was saying 'no' all of the time and how we have progressed in the past year and we can now focus on continuing to repair the relationship instead of doing crisis management.

While we know this isn't the desirable behavior- depending on the pwBPD's ability to cope, it seems to be an aspect of these relationship dynamics- to gain some kind of calmness, for at least some of the time. I think it's important to keep in mind - this is a choice. "Pick your battles" as they say.

Her 'coping' skills have seen marked improvement not only with me, but with our children, and work colleagues too, that is why I am so excited about her progress.  As a result, my caretaking is becoming very rare.  Both are increasingly desirable behaviors for each of us respectively.

My wife's improvements are 90% of her working on her own issues on her side of the street.  I am pretty much throttled back to a state of being idle most of the time with regards to caretaking, monitoring the progress, and being there 'if needed' which only was needed in July, one time, actually twice.  The second time was when we were packing for the big trip, she became overwhelmed to the point of not being able to function, so she asked me to do the packing and prep work - so I led the way and we did it as a 'team effort' and shifted it to a relationship building situation to which she was extremely grateful, and expressed as much.

If they dysregulate but you don't react, or JADE, or add to the drama- that is progress- on your part.

For the most part I've been non-reactive, and have been for quite some time especially during her rages which used to trigger her to no end.  When she was baseline, I would use the various communication skills, and tweak some of them specifically for my wife's behaviors if she was still being triggered by them.

Because of my wife's improvements, I am now able to be more interactive primarily with explaining and can be somewhat defensive and using justification (as needed); whereas, in the past, this was not possible due to her over-reacting to any kind of stress or criticism.  As she no longer dysregulates as much as she did before (I can see her struggling at times; however, she is able to contain it for the most part) and is able to use her version of wise-mind where logic is now triumphing over emotions more frequently - she is becoming more stress tolerant - not quite to normal levels when there is HALT (Hunger, Anger, Loneliness & Tiredness) I can see her emotional struggles with herself as she wears her emotions on her sleeve and her body language can very easily be read. 

She rarely 'looses' it any more - two years ago, she was like unstable nitroglycerin, right now she is like TNT, a much more stable individual; however, she still has the potential to explode under much more stressful situations or if she is deliberately triggered by our son. 

Her anger management skills are progressing very nicely not only with me, but our children as well, and to a lesser extent her work colleagues as well and in front of a few acquaintances who have seen her explosive side.

Her outward expressions of paranoia are down - she recently (a few days ago) indicated she still has them; however, she will not act on them until the following day, if still present, as she now needs to make sure it is legitimate and using her version of the 'fact checking tool' - I am flat out amazed by this behavior of hers as I am no longer being accused of doing some really far-out things that make no sense to me.

Similar progress on her mood swings and feelings of emptiness as well.  It is amazing to watch her progress with me and others now that she is fully embracing getting these negative emotions under control and putting her mind to it.  She seems much happier, and things are progressing nicely and our couple's therapist is in agreement with this assessment as of today.

Remission is definitely possible and hopefully a full recovery is too (not yet there on the 'recovery', yet...)

I definitely appreciate your perspective on this, as this would have been true a year ago; however, my wife has since become fully self-aware of all of her symptoms, and is actively working on each of them.  Two years ago, she was vaguely aware and knew something was wrong with her, but didn't know what.  Five years ago she knew something was wrong, and blamed me.  It's been five years, as of next week, of bi-weekly therapy for each of us up until this year, where we have finally throttled back and we are finally making good progress in the past year.

I'm documenting what recovery looks like, as I am convinced this is a genuine recovery as are our therapists.

TP- one observation with your wife is that she seems to do better when pregnant. People react differently to pregnancy hormones- some feel great, some feel nausea and are tired. Your wife seems to be one of those who feel good when pregnant. Childbirth involves a drop in these hormones. Breast feeding also involves hormones. So there could be a physical component to your wife's behavior during pregnancy and after. Knowing this, you can anticipate some of it and not take it personally.

TP, I do agree with NW's assessment on the pregnancy hormones.

Side note on pregnancy hormones:  I can remember when my wife's love bombing mask first came off and stayed off, it was immediately after we found out that we were pregnant with our first child.  Initially she attributed it to hormones - and I believed her; however, I learned many years later, it was the textbook ending to the 'love bombing' phase.  Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to BPD.

Take care, with self-care.

SD

[Notwendy]

SD- I think that is great- and as BPD is on a spectrum- each person with BPD has their own set of skills. I think having self awareness is a key factor. Without this, I think the perception of issues being due to something external to them makes it harder to change.

The other aspect is your stepping back from emotional caretaking and letting your wife have the learning experience of trying to manage her own emotions. This may take trial and error on her part. If the tendency is to do the emotional caretaking- this means the pwBPD won't have this learning experience.

Understanding this is key to being able to step back. It may feel like one is being the "good guy" when helping to soothe a person with BPD or walking on eggshells but the other side of this is that it takes away their own chance at learning to do this themselves. This keeps them stuck at their emotional age. So what you are doing by stepping back is allowing them to "grow" emotionally as you have seen.

It's good that what I wrote doesn't apply to you. If it applies to others- that, in addition to your experience that what you are doing has led to positive change, may give others the courage to step back too. Will it work for everyone? That isn't possible to know since each person is unique- but it opens up the chance that it will if it is possible.

[SaltyDawg]

NW,

   I agree with everything you said in your most recent post to me, especially the part where 'self-awareness is a key factor.'  If the pwBPD is 'aware' of the issue, they can fix it; whereas, if they are not aware, they cannot, I learned this early on in my journey with my pwBPD.  I just had to figure out how to communicate this without being triggering and where they could accept that something was amiss with them - that's the tricky part, which I documented at the beginning of this thread.

   Initially. I really didn't have too much of the caretaking part in me, and I was manipulated into doing stuff for her as I wanted to please her, and I did it at a proportional level to her love bombing, and as things progressively got worse to the point of every waking hour was dedicated to pleasing her, and it still wasn't enough to make her happy, I did more caretaking, a trauma response to her behaviors (and the girl before her too).  I had to figure out why I was attracted to these kinds of women - although both of them approached me, so 'attract' them like moths to a flame - another thread of mine at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357641.0.

   Both of these relationships started off where they were taking care of me, or at least it felt that way with the 'love bombing'.  So, I reciprocated this caretaking until it became excessive.  Now that I realize this, through my own therapy, I've been able to throttle it back to a near normal level.  I am actually treating my wife more as a colleague in the caretaking arena, and expect her to do her fair share as a partnership.  Yes, it is transactional - it shouldn't be - however, as it was very disproportional and reciprocity needs to be somewhat proportional.    In my case, with my wife, the proportions, no matter who does more work, are based on the amount of time spent, not quantity as that is least stressful to her.

   I also step back and allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions, and I indicated this several months ago in therapy - my wife is now adopting this approach with our son too instead of taking care of things for him and we literally had this conversation a few minutes before this post about him having consequences for his actions and inactions.  She knows I won't caretake him as I want him to learn how to become self-sufficient.  I am now also applying this to my wife - I hate having to treat her like a child; however, 'it is the way' to her recovery in my particular situation.

   While I am currently enjoying the benefits of my wife's progress, I am under no illusion that the explosive rages can, and have return at a moment's notice if she becomes triggered under excessive stress (to her) as they did twice in July and previously in January - I have the emotional tools needed if this were to happen again.  I had to step in (after being invited to become the rescuer in the Karpman triangle) one of these dysregulations so she could re-regulate.  The other, she was able to do it without me, which was amazing to observe her learning how to manage her own emotions in this way.  Even though she hasn't said anything specific, I think it gives her a sense of accomplishment when she is able to do this.

   Thanks for listening, and providing feedback.

SD

[Notwendy]

I think if someone comes in on the "bettering board" they have to feel they gave the relationship the best possible try. I think this happens with family relationships too. I have read some articles and posts from parents whose children went NC with them and from their point of view, their children have done something horrible to them. I know it happens- good parents can have disordered or inconsiderate children through not fault of their own and parental estrangement can be a cruel thing to do. Some people also go to divorce quickly and cruely.

This doesn't seem to be the situation here on the board. Posters arrive here wanting to do all they can to avoid dissolving a marriage and on the family board are people wanting to do all they can to preserve a family relationship. Dissolving it would be a last resort.

I have wondered what would have happened if my BPD mother was not as enabled. Seeing how she's behaved with other people and us, her kids, has clarified this for me. She behaves better with me now since I have also used the tools of boundaries, not using JADE, and I don't walk on eggshells around her. In this sense- there's been improvement but it's not due to her own emotional growth but by having boundaries with her and not adding to the drama. What I have not seen, not with me or anyone else- is any glimpse of self awareness that the way people react to her is influenced by how she treats them. She is firmly set in her victim perspective.

If anyone tries to speak to her about any of her part- she dissociates. She doesn't hear it because, she's not there. Of course, I don't dare do this- she'd never allow her own child to say something like that to her but I have seen caretakers say things, and even her own relatives do it and she checks out. Her eyes are blank. I don't have any proof of this but I wonder if someone abused her as a child and this ability to dissociate so much is some kind of response to that.

I am convinced now that while enabling didn't help the situation, I don't think there was much else anyone could have done to make her have an insight that she doesn't have. BPD is a spectrum and there is evidence that some people make a lot of progress towards recovery but I think those that do must have some ability to see what is their part in it.

I did meet a young woman in her 20's who told me she had BPD and was going to therapy for it. I told her that her being able to admit it, own it, and seek out help is a good contributor to her success. I think it's good that your wife can feel a sense of pride in her own improvement. It's her success.

You made the attempt and saw progress- or success. I also want to make the point that if someone tries and doesn't see progress- they did not fail. Some of this is involves the capacity of the person with BPD. I think the self awareness is a key component of this. I think one has to try first and see how it goes and then re-evaluate.  The relationship dynamics can improve. How much, we can't predict. Just taking the steps to change is a big step and takes courage. There is no "failure" - it's about looking at the outcome of your efforts and making conclusions from there.

[thankful person]

I love the betterment board and I’ve found so much wisdom and support here. In my wife’s case she also dissociates lots when she’s under any pressure (and there was definitely abuse in her past) but I have learnt that there are many conversations not worth having and better “planting seeds” which SD I know you are a big fan of and you think I’ve influenced my wife’s attitude towards money, I can only say maybe I don’t give myself enough credit, probably because she never does! She claims that she’s just “grown up” and had to go through the reckless phase (because she could) and learn about debt and interest etc. the hard way. She reminded me that I’m 15 years older than her and that is a fair point. I’m hoping this is not just a phase she’ll get bored of, it’s a bit like a diet I think she will do well for a while and then slip back to old habits but hopefully retain some of her new attitude. She tried to have a bit of a meltdown after she heard me and the kids having a laugh with a neighbour today. She wants friends but has made plenty of enemies in the street and to hear her talking about people you’d think she wants enemies!! But I gave it little attention or the accusation that I hadn’t spoken to her all day. I’ve had lots of time off this summer and she’s acknowledged that it’s going to be hard with me going back to work in September. So I’m bracing myself for this next.
SD, NW, thank you again as always I’m sure I’ll be back…

[SaltyDawg]

I think if someone comes in on the "bettering board" they have to feel they gave the relationship the best possible try. I think this happens with family relationships too.

[...]

This doesn't seem to be the situation here on the board. Posters arrive here wanting to do all they can to avoid dissolving a marriage and on the family board are people wanting to do all they can to preserve a family relationship. Dissolving it would be a last resort.

This definitely was me two nearly two years ago when I first landed here.  It wasn't until I was willing to detach and call my wife's, which I now know was a 'bluff', on her multiple threats of divorce and separation did my relationship with her turn around as her 'fear of abandonment' got the better of her, as I doubt she ever expected me to abandon her, and when she threatened me, I actually called her on this as I could no longer tolerate that kind of behavior from her and power of the relationship shifted away from her to me when I did this, as I was now in apparent 'control' of the relationship as I was *finally* willing to let it all go, as I had enough.  I reached that point of 'last resort' that you speak of, that was March of last year, ever since, even though there have been a few bumps, great progress has been made in my relationship with my wife.

I have wondered what would have happened if my BPD mother was not as enabled. Seeing how she's behaved with other people and us, her kids, has clarified this for me. She behaves better with me now since I have also used the tools of boundaries, not using JADE, and I don't walk on eggshells around her. In this sense- there's been improvement but it's not due to her own emotional growth but by having boundaries with her and not adding to the drama. What I have not seen, not with me or anyone else- is any glimpse of self awareness that the way people react to her is influenced by how she treats them. She is firmly set in her victim perspective.

Personally, I try to not think of "what, if...".  I am of the mindset to identify the issue, and then come up with solutions, first try the traditional ones that everyone uses, and if those don't work the way I think they aught to, then I look for other well established tools that might logically work 'outside of the box'.  Boundaries is a traditional tool for any relationship, and much more important for one with a borderline.  My wife responded initially with extinction bursts when I first introduced a new boundary, then she eventually accepted them.  Currently she knows not to test these boundaries, and she hasn't really come close to any of these boundaries in the past half year.   

I am also aware that her individual therapist worked extensively with my wife, and I am forever grateful to my wife's therapist as she was able to reach my wife to the point where my wife eventually became self-aware after ~3 years of individual therapy.  I also feel my limited interaction with her therapist (~10-15 minute interventional conversation in September 2022, and a follow-up letter several months later in February 2023 when recovery was going in the wrong direction) helped steer my wife's therapy with her therapist.  At that time she knew something was amiss but couldn't quite figure out what it was, now she does.

If anyone tries to speak to her about any of her part- she dissociates. She doesn't hear it because, she's not there. Of course, I don't dare do this- she'd never allow her own child to say something like that to her but I have seen caretakers say things, and even her own relatives do it and she checks out. Her eyes are blank. I don't have any proof of this but I wonder if someone abused her as a child and this ability to dissociate so much is some kind of response to that.

I am convinced now that while enabling didn't help the situation, I don't think there was much else anyone could have done to make her have an insight that she doesn't have. BPD is a spectrum and there is evidence that some people make a lot of progress towards recovery but I think those that do must have some ability to see what is their part in it.

My wife would be in denial if I approached her directly of these issues, and would not listen very much like disassociation.  I knew she had to become self-aware, I read her journal, and worked on the tid-bits that I found in her journal that she was already aware of and focused on those in order for her to become self-aware.  While this was a breach of trust on my part, at the time I felt bad for violating her privacy, as she had left her journal out in the open (perhaps deliberately left there so I would read it).  However, the benefit that resulted eventually paid off for our relationship - while I had a regret that I read it at the time, I don't now, especially as she more recently gave me permission to read her journals and is no longer an issue for me.  I had to think outside of the box in order to nudge my wife into having some level of 'insight' in her contributions.  Once she had the initial insight, I nurtured that as much as I could until she became more and more self away, and I used the platform of couple's therapy to do that where I would shine a spotlight on the current most pressing issue and had the therapist help both of us come to a better understanding of self-awareness on what each of us brought to the table on that particular issue.  I know I couldn't do this as I was still in the dog house from my wife's perspective at that time and she wouldn't listen to me at all; however, she would listen to the therapist, so that was my only avenue on getting my wife to become more self-aware, which I feel is the key to success.

It is very possible, and I would say likely that your mother had some sort of major invalidating event(s) or a series of smaller invalidating events, such as being emotionally abandoned.  I have analyze my wife with the help of my therapist and my wife was used as a free worker (slave) out in the farm fields, but cared for on a physical level as a child, and I can see how over the years that would be emotionally invalidating. 

For my wife, the way I approached an issue was to bring it to the couple's therapists attention until very recently, like June, we are now shifting, where I am asking my wife to tell me why she thinks I am behaving the way I am, and to see things from my perspective.  I have been doing this for years with our children, I approach it as a 'learning moment' for them as I get much better results that way then point blank telling them that is not the way to do it.  That way, they can become self-aware, and then can fix it themselves.  I am starting to do that with my wife now, as she can now handle this kind of conversation; whereas in the past she would have likely exploded on me emotionally.

I would like to say, all along I was looking at the issue from my wife's perspective; however, it is when I stopped using the "Truth" in SET communication and replaced it with "Validation" of my wife's feelings is when my wife felt heard by me, and this enabled a more rapid progression of putting her symptoms into remission.

I know you have had a long and difficult period with your mother in the home with her caretakers.  I think you are doing a good job at managing her skills.  I know it is disheartening and I also see the emotional toll that this has had on you, and I feel your pain, and I wish the best for you and your mom, both of you are in my prayers.

I did meet a young woman in her 20's who told me she had BPD and was going to therapy for it. I told her that her being able to admit it, own it, and seek out help is a good contributor to her success. I think it's good that your wife can feel a sense of pride in her own improvement. It's her success.

I agree, it is my wife's success, and her becoming self-aware along that enabled her to fix herself.  She still denies she has BPD (OCPD was never mentioned to her); however, her behaviors are at a point where both her BPD and OCPD really aren't observable any more unless she becomes triggered with a stressor for her BPD and her logical mind has overcome her OCPD symptoms from being disordered to being beneficial and has also done this for the BPD component too.  I don't care what she calls it (anxiety & angst), as long as there is progress, and that is what I am seeing and enjoying.

You made the attempt and saw progress- or success. I also want to make the point that if someone tries and doesn't see progress- they did not fail. Some of this is involves the capacity of the person with BPD. I think the self awareness is a key component of this. I think one has to try first and see how it goes and then re-evaluate.  The relationship dynamics can improve. How much, we can't predict. Just taking the steps to change is a big step and takes courage. There is no "failure" - it's about looking at the outcome of your efforts and making conclusions from there.

I agree with you completely, if someone else is reading this thread, and they don't see progress or meaningful progress, you did not fail.  I almost failed, as I was willing to give everything up, and I very much felt as though I was a failure 17 months ago, when I was willing to let the relationship go, and I was very much 'conflicted'.  The majority of this involves the 'capacity of the person with BPD' to become self-aware as you indicated.  However, a lot of it is changing what I brought to the table, and how I interacted with my pwBPD.  I have done two years with individual therapists on making myself the best person possible, and 'cleaned up my side of the street' and had to wait for her to clean hers up as well.  In my case it paid off; however, I also know that I am the exception, rather than the rule here.

I am sharing in hopes that others might enjoy some of the same, similar success, or even partial success that I've had with my pwBPD, even though that may not happen for many.

I agree 'self-awareness' is key, along with the motivation to do something about it.  Without either of these components, I feel success may not be possible.  I knew and believed in my wife's motivation (OCPD traits helped here) was there, I just had to figure out a way for her to become self-aware and this is what I've been focused on until she become fully self-aware which just happened recently.  Now we can actually start doing meaningful couple's therapy instead of crisis management on our relationship.

Thanks for listening, it is always appreciated.

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

The important thing to remember about success is also it can be transient. It is clear SD that you have made incredible progress, despite your wife’s part in working on herself too, no one can take away the strength of what you have achieved. You should put it in success stories, I have to say it… because I already shared my success story before I even met you, maybe sometime mid 2022. Sadly some people may see that as a joke when they know what I mess my marriage and I were in last year, and indeed I can’t blame them. In fact I have recently felt like a success, and actually, things are spiralling downwards because I’m going back to work soon and I’m already being accused of not knowing what to say when I ring her at lunch (true), even though it hasn’t even happened yet. And I still don’t know what to say. Point is, my wife is very similar to NW’s bpd mother in many ways, and what I mean is, there doesn’t seem much likelihood of change as she doesn’t see that she has any part in her problems, though she has figured out for herself that she has problems with money, and that at least is a small victory. Ever the optimist, I intend to stay strong./b] TP.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I do feel I have done what I can with my BPD mother's situation and don't feel it's made much of a difference for her or with her. I feel like I have decent boundaries with her but it is an emotionally difficult situation.

I hope that people starting now with that knowlege will have more success. BPD was not known when my parents first married.

I also wonder what kind of experience my mother had that resulted in the extent of her dissociation. It resembles someone who has been abused or adandoned. I don't have any proof but I wonder what could have happened but there's no way to know for sure.

I am glad for you SD that there has been real change for your situation.

[SaltyDawg]

The important thing to remember about success is also it can be transient. It is clear SD that you have made incredible progress, despite your wife’s part in working on herself too, no one can take away the strength of what you have achieved.

TP,

I agree with you, especially after I have read 3 articles studies on it on the NIH website.  I do not call it a recovery, yet - that will come when she is symptom free for 2 years.  However, I do call it remission, and it has now reverted to a preliminary remission as she has had a couple significant lapses, and a minor one yesterday.  Even though I was ready to call it a success back in January; however, a major lapse happened then, and she was still in the process of becoming fully self-aware.  I waited nearly half a year, 10 days shy, before making my announcement, as I wanted to be sure her change was somewhat permanent, and not impulsively transient in nature.

There were two setbacks in July, and a very small one yesterday where a different symptom appeared.

I recently found out, that her individual therapist and her have mutually agreed she no longer needs therapy and would go on an 'as needed' basis - so I do expect a few more lapses in the near future.  If they become too regular, I will suggest that she restarts her therapy as I fully trust my wife's individual therapist considering where my wife is today.  I credit my wife for her recovery, as she fixed herself and her therapist for enabling that.  My contribution was to learn techniques how to guide, lead, nudge, influence her in the right direction without her realizing that I was doing that.  I am avoiding the term manipulation, even though it feels like it, as that word has so many negative connotations to it.

I have not actively coerced her; however, I did let her emotions run amok in the beginning where the outgoing couple's therapist deliberately triggered my wife into her fearing that I was going to abandon her - I learned a lot from this, and when my wife did her most recent divorce/separation threat which she initiated, and I called her bluff, I did not sooth her 17 months ago, and let her stew in what she had done - she self-coerced herself without even realizing it.  Subsequently, there was another instance where she thought I was going to take aware the children early on - at the suggestion of what I circumstantially believe was a family court judge friend and had to reassure her otherwise.  Back then my wife's mind was her own worst enemy in our relationship it would torment her.

Our current couple's therapist told me to learn how my wife thinks - I did through the lense of BPD - the CT wasn't too pleased with my direction of my learning; however, it did work.

You should put it in success stories, I have to say it… because I already shared my success story before I even met you, maybe sometime mid 2022. Sadly some people may see that as a joke when they know what I mess my marriage and I were in last year, and indeed I can’t blame them. In fact I have recently felt like a success, and actually, things are spiralling downwards because I’m going back to work soon and I’m already being accused of not knowing what to say when I ring her at lunch (true), even though it hasn’t even happened yet. And I still don’t know what to say. Point is, my wife is very similar to NW’s bpd mother in many ways, and what I mean is, there doesn’t seem much likelihood of change as she doesn’t see that she has any part in her problems, though she has figured out for herself that she has problems with money, and that at least is a small victory. Ever the optimist, I intend to stay strong./b] TP.

I do like the idea of putting it in the 'success story' sticky.  However, with the recent lapses I will take a wait and see approach.  I sense we are so close, yet not close enough.  I do have a very optimistic outlook right now, and our children need this right now, a good level of emotional stability after all of the crap we were going through 2 years ago.

Your wife is still young, much younger than my wife, so the prospect for change is possible whilst unlikely based on what you have shared about her willingness to do meaningful therapy.  As I am pretty sure you have no plans on leaving her anytime soon, no matter how tough it gets, please stay in the leadership/manager position so you don't become overwhelmed again.  I know how hopeless I felt, when I was overwhelmed by the situation; however, there is 'hope', and I have always had that - it kept me going when I was at my worst. 

If only, you can figure out a way to influence your wife into more self-awareness (I did this with mine); however, I did not have to convince her to do meaningful therapy, as our previous CT did this for us.  In this respect, I have a much easier go of things than you do as yours is unwilling.  If you can persuade her to do meaningful therapy (make it her idea) there may be hope yet...

As always, do self-care, whatever that looks like for you.  Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Yes, I do feel I have done what I can with my BPD mother's situation and don't feel it's made much of a difference for her or with her. I feel like I have decent boundaries with her but it is an emotionally difficult situation.

NW,

  I wish you the best of luck.  I do think you are doing a good job at managing your mother in spite of all of the difficulties.  I wish you the best of luck that she causes you minimum additional heart ache.

I hope that people starting now with that knowlege will have more success. BPD was not known when my parents first married.

I agree, it took my first individual therapy session with a psychologist approximately 40 minutes in the first session to figure out BPD (or Bipolar) even though our couple's therapist at the time didn't see it after nearly two years - I looked up the symptoms, and I had an answer as it was a slam-dunk of a diagnosis, all 9 symptoms were present, and all but one of the OR's were AND's (except self-mutilation).  That was just the beginning, here we are now.  My wife also had done a boatload of projection and transference on me to the point where the CT was thinking I was the one with BPD retrospectively looking back at the questions she was asking of me at an obsessive level at that time before I grew a backbone to stand up against both my wife and the previous CT on their respective false narratives.

As I was not getting answers I liked from the previous CT, I took it upon myself to educate myself what BPD was, and I did it at an obsessive level.  I still need to figure out why, other than some codependency was there, but not really enough to explain my level of obsessiveness.  I've literally done over 4000 hours of studying and learning about BPD to figure out my wife - I believe I am 99% the way there as I can accurately predict her behaviors, wants, and needs.  From what I understand, this is a trauma response.

I also wonder what kind of experience my mother had that resulted in the extent of her dissociation. It resembles someone who has been abused or adandoned. I don't have any proof but I wonder what could have happened but there's no way to know for sure.

From what you have described, I suspect your suspicions may be valid.  You may likely be left on wondering for the rest of her life, and beyond.  I too have to wonder about abuse on my wife, a while back I discussed this here, and you gave me your opinion on it.  Due to my wife's incredible progress, I do not want to upset the applecart, so I will not bring up the specter of possible sexual abuse at some point in her past even though I have circumstantial evidence pointing in that direction.  Some things are best left in the past, even though I did communicate my suspicions with her therapist via an e-mail 18 months ago - I honestly don't know if it has been addressed.  If my wife chooses, I will let her pick the time and place to share this with me, if ever.  If she shares, I will be supportive.  If she doesn't share, I will not pry, nor will I fret over it.

I am glad for you SD that there has been real change for your situation.

Thank you for the well wishes, I am glad too.  I just hope and pray it is here to stay as it is a much needed break from the drama of 2+ years ago.

Take care.

SD

[Notwendy]

I agree, there's no point in trying to bring up trauma. I do suspect there could be- but there's no way to know for certain and there's no way I'd ask about it.

I hope your progress continues- it is good news to see.

[thankful person]

If only, you can figure out a way to influence your wife into more self-awareness (I did this with mine); however, I did not have to convince her to do meaningful therapy, as our previous CT did this for us.  In this respect, I have a much easier go of things than you do as yours is unwilling.  If you can persuade her to do meaningful therapy (make it her idea) there may be hope yet...

SD

There’s only so much I can do, but my wife has very occasionally touched on the fact that she knows she could benefit from therapy. Her usual response would be she’s done it all, she learnt it all, she knows it all… as in, she knows about mindfulness (apparently ). She knows that she is held back by her past and her abuse and of course our sex life suffers and of course she blames me. But she needs I feel to feel more free from the past and that if she could process and remember the things that happened to her then she could move on. I’m still disturbed by watching her have many ptsd nightmares when we first met, and although she doesn’t have these any more I think she knows she needs therapy. Last year when the foster agency rejected us she asked me to find her a therapist and I did but she didn’t answer the therapist’s call and never returned it. But another year, maybe.

If you do share your success story please let us know in this thread or a message, as I don’t check there at all often cos sadly not much happens there.

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

   Thank you for your share.  I have a long story to share and expand upon, that will eventually relate, so please bear with me.

   I will share with you that I knew something was severely wrong in the 2009/2010 time frame with my wife and our marriage.  I told my wife we needed couple's therapy back then as things continued to deteriorate between us; however, she didn't see a need at that time.  She fired all but one of the therapists that I selected in a similar manner that your wife has for a couple of them by not going back, and not returning phone calls.  Very, very frustrating for me, and I can imagine that it is that way for you too.

   The one that she didn't fire, validated my wife's point of view.  This therapist gave us homework assignments, I completed them, she didn't or did them as we waited in the waiting room just before the following session.  This therapist would spend about 90-95% of the session working on my wife's issues, and would occasionally throw me a bone and talk with me.  At the time, I found that to be invalidating towards me; however, in retrospect, this therapist probably knew my wife was the issue, and was focusing almost exclusively on her problems - it was almost like me being a fly on the wall of individual sessions over a period of nearly 3 months, then this therapist told us she was going on vacation.  She did, and when she came back from vacation, she told us she was retiring.  My wife felt abandoned by her, and the following 5 or 6 therapists that I had selected, she only saw them once or cancelled for some reason or another - effectively firing each of them.

   It wasn't until our own daughter was in hospital for months with anorexia nervosa nearly a decade later that my wife realized that we needed therapy as a family.  I agreed, and shared with her that I wanted her to select the therapist, as years ago, as all of my selections didn't work out too well.  She agreed.   This might have been manipulation on my part having her select the therapist; however, I knew enough about human nature, if someone is invested in something they will make the effort to make this selection and have a higher chance of following through - this worked for my situation.

   It was I think the 2nd session in, that this family/couple's therapist asked us about suicide attempts of each of us.  Surprisingly my wife admitted to only one.  On my way out of our session, I leaned over to the therapist and told her is was a lot more than just one - that fell on deaf ears, until 20-24 months later when she figured out she likely messed up her assessment of us by her verbals and non-verbals after I started to push back on my wife's false narrative to which I had previously remained largely silent to (as I was taught not to contradict a woman - childhood codependent programming of me), as I was too nice to be confrontational and was completely naive to the fact my wife had severe mental health issues at that time beyond the comparatively mild diagnoses of anxiety and depression that she shared with me and our therapist.

   While there might not be an immediate opportunity to get your wife into therapy - an opportunity may eventually come  (death of a parent, something happening to one of your children - as it was in my case, or something else that is equally emotionally impactful). 

   She brought me in, to get me fixed - it was all about fixing me, her husband.  I knew deep down, any therapy, no matter how messed up it became was better than no therapy at all for her.  I didn't confront my wife's distortedly false narrative and she built a rapport with a couple's therapist.

   About 20 months into couple's therapy - the therapist gave both of us a homework assignment.  My answer to the homework assignment was 'self-care' and I would not be putting in as much effort [of every waking hour of every day] into the relationship and would use a few hours per week to do self-care - specifically continuing to rehab me knee injury.  My wife's response - another suicide attempt.

   It wasn't until my wife's most recent suicide attempt by putting pills in her mouth, was I able to start to push back on my wife's false narrative that our couple's therapist was convinced of as I did not confront this narrative.  How my wife did this, and the therapist believed my wife and did countertransference on me, I cannot comprehend how this happened, but it did.

   This suicide attempt shifted the therapist's focus, and opened her eyes to the possibility that there might be an issue with my wife.  The therapist, gave me an ultimatum to get individual therapy, so I did, even though I didn't understand how my wife's suicide attempt correlated to me getting therapy at that time - I do now.

   At the first session, I explained the situation to a psychologist who was able to discern either Bipolar or BPD in my wife in approximately 40 minutes of talking to me in our first session together.  I wrote down both conditions and did preliminary research.  This started me becoming aware of the actual dynamic, and allowed me to ultimately steer both my own recovery from what I later discovered were trauma induced codependent traits along with underlying FOO codependent traits (that allowed me to get into such a relationship in the first place) and also to eventually steer my wife's journey of self-awareness which ultimately ignited her recovery predominately through our couple's therapists and her individual therapist too.

   I am sharing this story with you to show you not to give up hope.  I did give up hope in 2010; however, I did take advantage of the situation years later had passed before I got my wife into any kind of meaningful therapy, and then nearly the first two years, from my perspective there was no progress as I was complacent and non-confrontational as I placed all of my faith, perhaps wrongly, in the couple's therapist ability to discern the actual dynamic and doing the right thing, which did not happen until I started to confront our therapist and advocate for myself and our children too.

   To summarize, it took my wife 12 years from the first time I first took her to a therapist to finally get any kind of validation we were heading in the right direction.  In all of that time, I personally learned to take advantage of any opportunity of any situation that might help, no matter how small that opportunity might be.  I learned to navigate my own therapy and eventually steer my therapy, which progressed to me learning how to influence and persuade my wife as well to increase the likelihood of her becoming self-aware (that was my focus) - as I knew her moral compass would do the right thing for her if and when she would become self-aware, and when that happened she could fix herself and eventually she did.

   It has been quite the journey.  Even yesterday, at our most recent couple's session, I applied a minor course correction to a recent minor dysregulation my wife did this past Friday.  My wife protested about me focusing on it - I replied, I wanted to air this out, one time, address this issues within a session, and then we can leave it behind and resume moving forward.   Two years ago, she would have raged for hours, and nothing would have been accomplished.  That's what I see as progress towards a success story.  We aren't there yet, but we are heading in a good direction, and 'almost there'.

   If I see an opening, I found out by my own experiences to dive towards any opening that my wife provides, and be as persuasive as I can to encourage my pwBPD to follow through with a lot of validating and supporting words, that she has a great idea - until she tells me to 'shut up' about it.  A few of these opportunities didn't work out; however, each time I did this 'persuasion', most of the time we moved forward, millimeter by millimeter until we eventually broke free and we are now rapidly progressing in a good direction with a few bumps here and there. 

   My individual therapist told me that I (not my wife) 'willed' her recovery process to happen.

   I will respectfully disagree with my own therapist on this.  However, I will admit, that I did push/nudge/persuade and even 'ethically' manipulate my wife to emotionally do the right thing; however, my wife can own her 'own' recovery, as she did the hard work.  I just steered it away from the wrong direction and nudged it towards the right direction even though I had initially and blindly placed my faith in licensed professionals initially to do this for me, for years.  I  found out the hard way, only I can be my own best advocate for my children, my wife, and myself too as license professionals are human too, they can and will make mistakes.  I should not have had to do this; however, I did, as it was necessary for the recovery/remission process that was necessary in my family's dynamic.  I made mistakes along the way, I still am (as I am not a trained professional), however, I learn from them in order to move forward for what is best for my family, our children, my wife, and me.

   I am still figuring out the 'wisdom' portion of the serenity prayer of "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

   I hope and pray that you might be able to find an opening your wife creates for both of you with regards to becoming self-aware, and encourage your wife to do the 'right thing' and follow through.  Use the 'seed planting tool' techniques to help make it her idea to follow through on - somewhat similar (parallel) to her current financial responsibility initiative of saving for the future (even if it seem impossible at the moment) for a nicer home. 

   Good luck, take care, with self-care.

SD