Hello everyone! This is my first post and I could use some advice. I have been in a w|w relationship with my girlfriend (pwBPD) for a year now and it hasn’t been easy. I knew from the beginning that she has childhood and relationship trauma and some ongoing mental health issues (as do I), and she didn’t mention her undiagnosed BPD until a few months after we became official. I had heard about BPD previously, and I started doing research on the topic so I know how to better support my girlfriend and take care of myself. I have always been supportive, compassionate, reassuring, and understanding. I have tried my hardest to create a safe space for her, but she has had trouble trusting me even though I never did anything to make her doubt my sincerity and good intentions.
There have been ongoing trust issues that have triggered my girlfriend and caused arguments between us. I have been getting better at setting boundaries with her and calling her out when she reacts with anger or when she’s treating me poorly.
My girlfriend has realized that my sister is a toxic person with narcissistic tendencies. My sister made a comment at karaoke night about my girlfriend not speaking Spanish and I stood up for my girlfriend and told my sister that it didn’t matter and that I can always teach her if she wants. This didn’t sit right with my girlfriend and it started an argument where she wanted me to talk to my sister and let her know my girlfriend doesn’t want to be near her and that she deleted her from social media, etc. She kept pushing me to have this conversation with my sister and I told her I felt pressured and to let me handle it when I am ready. She agreed to give me space to handle the situation on my own and apologized for pressuring me.
One month after that conversation, now April 2024, I made a birthday shoutout post for my girlfriend and my sister commented on it and tagged my girlfriend to wish her a happy birthday (it is important to note that mine and my girlfriend’s birthdays are two days apart). I was with my girlfriend when this happened and she showed me on her phone that my sister sent her a friend request. My heart dropped because I knew this was going to start an argument and it did. My girlfriend became so pissed off and told me that this would have never happened if I would’ve had the conversation with my sister when she told me to. My girlfriend said my sister was bullying her by sending that friend request. I had a trauma response and I froze. I just sat there as my girlfriend unleashed hell on me. I told my girlfriend I would have the conversation with my sister that Friday when I saw her. This went down on Monday. This wasn’t good enough for my girlfriend and I finally caved and told her I would have the conversation the following day. My girlfriend told me that I ruined her birthday. I went all out for her birthday and made sure everything from her custom cake to our dinner reservation was planned perfectly. I also made sure to buy her the gift she wanted.
I started the conversation with my sister the following day and again, I had a trauma response and I froze. I was unable to finish the conversation. My girlfriend accused me of being manipulated by my sister and that my sister’s apology wasn’t sincere. I became so stressed and overwhelmed by the situation and a streak of bad luck I was having in my life. My girlfriend kept nagging and nagging (her words) me to finish the conversation. She called me a coward and told me she despised me. I finished the conversation with my sister. Things only got worse with my girlfriend from there. She now says that I put my sister above her and that I have betrayed her. She keeps pointing out my flaws (things I am going to therapy for) and telling me that she finds me and my actions unattractive. I know that this situation has triggered her abandonment issues that stem from her childhood. I understand that this is one of the worst things that could have happened and I apologized for the role that I played, but I am not taking full responsibility. I unintentionally hurt her and we have not been able to move forward from it. Since this incident happened, she has been extra distant. She’s been extremely reactive and we keep going in circles arguing about the same thing. She’s told me that she has no empathy for me and that she feels completely detached from the relationship. She’s not only withholding affection, but she doesn’t want me expressing love towards her because she feels it’s fake. She’s also been withholding my birthday gift and told me I’m not getting my gift because she isn’t “going to reward me”. She also uninvited me to a vacation we planned last year, but she is still going.
This situation has also triggered me and I feel like I am in an abusive relationship from my past. I have been giving my girlfriend all the space she needs, but she’s constantly telling me that she doesn’t see us making it through this. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. Does anyone have advice for me? Are we really doomed? I want to make things right and strengthen our relationship.
