Closure: I Know What I'm Worth

[Duluoz]

I was blocked everywhere. The next day, she and her friend came to my house to discard me. Discarding is a team sport. Five years of friendship and relationship over in the blink of an eye. I pleaded, but she stood there with an empty stare and shook her head as her friend berated me. (Among other things: "You've been gaslighting her! You're done! Never contact her again! Have a nice life!") Then they were gone.

Like many people, I've put the pieces together as best I can after the event with as much confidence as speculation, rumination, and no accreditation can muster. Abandonment, engulfment, narcissistic defenses, and secondary psychopathy -- the whole shebang. I was invited in; I got too close; I met the abandoned inner child; and then I was "uninvited".

I have my own issues, of course -- people pleasing, low self-esteem, my own abandonment issues. I'm in therapy for the first time in my life, which bears richer fruit with every passing week.

93 days post-discard. 93 days No Contact. Some days still suck, but I've written myself a mantra for moving on, and I've memorized it.

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"I know what I’m worth. I know what I did, and I know what I didn’t do. I know that I was sincere in my heart. I know that I didn’t deserve to be met unenthusiastically after committing to her. I know that I didn’t deserve the push and pull behaviour that followed. I know that I didn’t deserve to be teased and devalued. I know that I didn’t deserve to be bullied on my own doorstep and humiliated. I know that I want a partner who can be intimate and talk into the night. I know that I want a partner I can fall asleep with in peace and security. I know that I want a partner who wants to see me and spend time with me. I know that I want a partner who can love me consistently. I know that I want a partner who works with me to solve problems privately. I know what I know, and that’s enough for me. The part that misses her is a young part of me. I need to talk to him, not her."
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Thanks for reading, and Happy Healing. 

[tina7868]

Hello Duluoz  . Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you`ve taken a difficult situation, and turned it into an experience from which you grew and learned and became stronger. That is so inspiring to all of us. Keep it up, the future is bright

[ForeverDad]

It has often been stated that in our intractable dysfunctional cases - which others not in the direct line of fire (so to speak) don't realize - we generally don't get "closure" from our ex-relationships.

Closure typically is something we have to Gift ourselves... Let Go and Move On.

And if we share children, then we can't let everything go.  While we can end the adult relationship, we will never end our parenting!

[EyesUp]

Closure typically is something we have to Gift ourselves... Let Go and Move On.

This. 

And it applies to much more than breakups with disordered “partners”…. 

[jaded7]

I was blocked everywhere. The next day, she and her friend came to my house to discard me. Discarding is a team sport. Five years of friendship and relationship over in the blink of an eye. I pleaded, but she stood there with an empty stare and shook her head as her friend berated me. (Among other things: "You've been gaslighting her! You're done! Never contact her again! Have a nice life!") Then they were gone.

Like many people, I've put the pieces together as best I can after the event with as much confidence as speculation, rumination, and no accreditation can muster. Abandonment, engulfment, narcissistic defenses, and secondary psychopathy -- the whole shebang. I was invited in; I got too close; I met the abandoned inner child; and then I was "uninvited".

I have my own issues, of course -- people pleasing, low self-esteem, my own abandonment issues. I'm in therapy for the first time in my life, which bears richer fruit with every passing week.

93 days post-discard. 93 days No Contact. Some days still suck, but I've written myself a mantra for moving on, and I've memorized it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know what I’m worth. I know what I did, and I know what I didn’t do. I know that I was sincere in my heart. I know that I didn’t deserve to be met unenthusiastically after committing to her. I know that I didn’t deserve the push and pull behaviour that followed. I know that I didn’t deserve to be teased and devalued. I know that I didn’t deserve to be bullied on my own doorstep and humiliated. I know that I want a partner who can be intimate and talk into the night. I know that I want a partner I can fall asleep with in peace and security. I know that I want a partner who wants to see me and spend time with me. I know that I want a partner who can love me consistently. I know that I want a partner who works with me to solve problems privately. I know what I know, and that’s enough for me. The part that misses her is a young part of me. I need to talk to him, not her."
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Thanks for reading, and Happy Healing. 

These are very good thoughts, just repeat them, meditate on them. Closure is really hard to come by, and often we can only offer it to ourselves. I read somewhere that the disrespect is the closure. The yelling and name-calling is the closure.

I remember when we were speaking on the phone, before we ever met, some celebrity couple was breaking up and trashing each other publicly, and I mentioned to my ex I don't know why people do this to each other, someone they once loved- why can't they uncouple with love and respect??

Little did I know....2 years later a brutal discard, massive putdowns and belittling and yelling name calling then hang up the phone. Never to speak again. Closure has been really hard to come by, as it has been with many others here.

I can and do congratulate myself on never having yelled at her or mocked her or put her down. Always respectful, always kind, always ready to help her and support her. I can keep that and be happy with myself, at least.

[EyesUp]

I remember when we were speaking on the phone, before we ever met, some celebrity couple was breaking up and trashing each other publicly, and I mentioned to my ex I don't know why people do this to each other, someone they once loved- why can't they uncouple with love and respect??

Similar...

I recall when I first heard the term "conscious uncoupling" it seemed pretentious. 

Years later, when I went through divorce, it seemed aspirational...

[jaded7]

Similar...

I recall when I first heard the term "conscious uncoupling" it seemed pretentious. 

Years later, when I went through divorce, it seemed aspirational...

That WAS the exact phrase I had heard in the media, and that was the phrase I used with her in our first conversations I mentioned above.

So much irony. We had the exact opposite of that. But again, I did do the very conscious and loving attempt at communication. I even told her I loved her in our final conversation but that her behavior really confuses me and she accuses me of and yells at me for the very things she does to me and I don't do. Obviously that did not go over well.

[EyesUp]

Accusations are confessions…