re-engaging after a rage

[Mad Dog]

Looking for recommendations for re-engaging after a rage. My wife, dBPD, goes into a rage and I leave the room, don't engage, and spend several days keeping to myself, not engaging, and now that I've found this blog, turn to here for re-assurance, advice, and comfort. I also pull "Stop Walking on eggshells" which helps me keep things in perspective and gives me some reassurance. My difficulty is re-engaging at some point after a rage. I certainly am not going to revisit the subject of the rage or even acknowledge the rage. I know from past experience that no good can come from this.

What is the best way to re-engage, things to avoid, as well as things that may be helpful.

Thanks
Mad Dog.

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[Notwendy]

The rages serve a function for the pwBPD. PwBPD have difficulty managing uncomfortable feelings. Projection is one way they manage this. They don't perceive them as their own feelings- they must be coming from something outside them- and so may project them onto the people closest to them.

I compare the rages to when a child eats too many sweets, gets a stomach ache and throws up. The child then feels better and goes off to play.

I see rages as "throwing up" emotions. Once they are over, the pwBPD feels better and so assumes you must be feeling better too and goes about their way as if nothing happened.

Of course, it doesn't feel that way to you. ( or whoever they raged at). I don't think we have to tolerate being raged at, and so it is appropriate that you disengage when it happens. I wonder though, if it's necessary for you to remain that way for several days after. If this is what you need for your own self care- then that is what you need to do. If you are trying to "send her the message" or this is some kind of "silent treatment" then it may just extend the drama.

From my own experience ( with a BPD mother) - going back- trying to discuss the situation or hold her accountable for her behavior or even ask why is useless and often just results in another angry episode. It's difficult if we are seeking resolution but for her, once the feelings are "out" it's over for her and one goes on as if nothing happened. It's gone for her and her expectation is that you act as if nothing happened either and there's no special way to re-engage- you just interact as usual.

The less I assume her behavior is personal, the less I react emotionally to this kind of behavior.  It's just the way she is.

[Amina]

I've been involved with an undiagnosed emotionally unstable man for 4.5 years.  When he rages, it is similar to a small child throwing a tantrum, and there is no reason.  The times he shows remorse or aologizes are usally not in conjunction with a specific rage episode, but aligned with him splitting back and generally acknowledging how badly he has acted and treated me in general over the years.  I try to talk a bit of reason sometimes with the rage, but I find it doesn't help much, because he seems like he is having a panic attack during the rages also. If he bloocks my number I sometimes write him a long letter, but I'm a writer and its helpful for me, and also to record the facts since the rages and splitting can get quasi-psychotic (and cruel).

[Mad Dog]

Thanks for the reply, NotWendy, very helpful and I really like the analogy. It is very difficult to not take it personally, but I am learning. I stay distant because it's the only way I can have some healing and gain some perspective. Guilt used to be an over riding emotion that took hold of me, but it's getting better.

Question: Do people with BPD have the capacity to forgive? While in therapy as a couple and during a session, I asked my wife if she could forgive me for all my past wrong doings. Her answer, no response, and the therapist did not ask her to respond. Is lack of forgiveness a hallmark of BPD?

[Notwendy]

Question: Do people with BPD have the capacity to forgive?

Forgiveness is a choice - I think one that involves complicated emotions. If we look at this in context of all choices and behavior- one chooses a behavior because it benefits them in some way. All behaviors have a cost and a payoff and if the payoff is greater than the cost, the behavior persists.

Why would someone choose to forgive rather than to not forgive? The "payoff" could be that it fits our values, or religious values, or to preserve a relationship that we value, or that forgiveness is part of letting go of resentment which is better for us.

So why would someone choose to not forgive - how is that more "beneficial" to them than to forgive?

This is my own thoughts- from observations. In the Karpman triangle dynamics, the pwBPD sees themselves in victim position. There's a "benefit" to this perspective and it is to avoid shame. To take accountability for one's actions- this can cause shame. PwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable feelings, and can assume they come from something else, rather than their own feelings. If they feel shame, then someone or something is doing this to them. Victims are not accountable, you don't blame a victim. It's not their fault. Other people are either in rescuer or persecutor position.

From my own observation, there needs to be "evidence" for their feeling like a victim. Even in the absence of a motive, she seems find some "evidence" of intent to be hurtful to her. I can visit my BPD mother, do several nice things for her, and somehow she will focus on something I didn't do or she thinks I did wrong and assume some other motive to it.

The "payoff" for the choice to not forgive is that it becomes evidence of victim position and this is a greater emotional need than to have the benefit of forgiveness. As to whether or not they can forgive- I think it's more about their disordered thinking that makes them unable to do this. It doesn't fit their way of thinking.