My ex with BPD replaced me and I want to know if I'm still important to her ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone ! This is my first post here and I want to share my experience because it's been hurting me a lot these last days. I apologize if there are some faults, English is not my native language.

I don't know where to begin but I'll try to explain the whole story so you have all details. I'm 22 and I met my ex two and half years ago. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she says she has BPD and I'm pretty sure it's true considering her behavior. She's my first love and it was really intense at first. During the first month of our relationship, she kept telling me that I was special, that I was the only one who could truly understand her, that I didn't judge her at all. I had access to her phone and one day I saw weird messages in her phone, she was talking to another guy and they seemed very close. I was jealous about this guy and told her about that. She told me that there was nothing with him and that he was just a friend, that I was paranoid. But then only 2 months later, she broke up with me and admitted she loves that guy (so our relationship didn't last very long). But we stayed in touch. During the next few months, we kept talking every day and she was still very close to me. I was her confident, she always told me about everything that was happening in her life, she kept reminding me I was very important to her. Then one day, maybe 4 months after our breakup, she decided to see that guy she loves. She told me she loved him even more when she met him, but only a few days later, she also saw someone else she met on a dating app and kissed him. Of course, I was really jealous but I also thought that it was not honest and decided to tell the guy she "loves" about the situation. The guy thanked me for informing him and decided to not go further with her even if he liked her. My ex learned about that and since that day, she became mad at me. She told me that I betrayed her, that she will never trust me again. She said that she lost the man of her life because of me and that she would never forgive me. Then a month later, she dated the guy she kissed (so not the guy she "loves") and their relationship lasted 7 months. We were still talking very often during their relationship. At the start of their relationship, she told me that she loves her boyfriend (which is weird since I though she loved the other guy who left). She was always telling me that her boyfriend does a lot for her, that he's the one, that she would move in with him. I remember it hurted me a lot because it seemed like it was always better with him. She made it look like their realtionship was healthy. But then after few months, she confessed to me that she still loves that guy who left and she tried to sabotage her relationship. So her boyfriend became tired of her behavior and decided to broke up. I was still there for her everyday. She told me that she doesn't want any relationships anymore and that she has to heal and move on from that guy she "loves". She stayed single for months but we were still talking everyday. It was really toxic tho. We used to argue a lot, and often she would remind me that I betrayed her, that she doesn't love me, that she feels nothing for me, that I destroyed her life. Even if I always tried my best to not argue, she would find a way to argue with me. And as days goes she would become colder and colder, and kept telling me she didn't love me. She would often block me after an argument, but not on every social medias, probably knowing I would reach out. Or sometimes she would block me everywhere but unblock me a few hours after. Then four months ago, she started to become affective with me again. This has not happened for almost 2 years. She was kind to me, flirty and even accepted to see me again. It was the first time I was going to see her again since our breakup. I was so excited, I though maybe loves me. I saw her 3 months ago and she was so happy to see me. We slept together in a hotel and we didn't kiss or had sex but she slept in my arms, she cuddled my hairs while looking at me. She did everything a person in love would do. And in the middle of that night, I texted a friend on Instagram and she saw a girl in my dm's. That girl she saw was nothing more than a friend but she started to get mad at me and then cried. She told me that I betrayed her again, that I do not truly love her. She said that I was a liar because I told her before the date that I wasn't talking to any girl. But I meant no girls in a romantic way. But even if I showed her my conversations with this girl to show that there was nothing romantic, she didn't believe me and said that I was just a play boy. What's weird is that an hour later she came in my arms again so I though the problem was finally over. In the morning, we both woke up at the same time and she didn't want to leave my arms. That's when I though that she definitely loves me. When we each comeback home, I told her that I missed her a lot and that I was so happy to see her after all that time, she answered "me too". A few days later, I proposed her to see each other again but she replied very coldly. She said that she's not sure that she wants any relationships. I didn't know what to do but said that I could wait for her. Then as the days goes, she became colder and colder and finally told me that she doesn't want to date someone like me "who doesn't know what he wants" and who "talks to multiples girls at the same time". So she used that again as en excuse to not see me. She also said that she doesn't love me at all and that she felt nothing when she saw me. And the hurted me a lot to hear that. So I asked her why did she slept in my arms when we saw each other and she said that it meant nothing, that she could do that with friends and that  if she loved me, she would kiss me. That made no sense at all. Then she said that she's still love that guy (yes still the same guy she saw 2 years ago). So she said again that she had to move on from him, that she doesn't want any relationships with anyone because she is lost and won't be able to love anyone for a long time because she's still in love with that guy. As the days goes, we argued a lot and she became even colder and I suspected her to talk to someone else but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested at all by relationships and that she wants to heal alone and I believed her. But then 1 month ago, she told me to move on and find someone else, then she blocked me everywhere. And it was actually the first time she really blocked me without unblocking me directly so I tried to reach her out. I was making new accounts to talk to her and she would always replied with mean words, that she didn't care about me. It was truly the first time she really wanted me out of her life so it shocked me. And 10 days ago, she finally told me that she had a boyfriend since 1 month. So she was lying to me when she said she talked to nobody and didn't want a relationship with anyone. It shattered my heart because it's the second time I'm getting replaced, and this time it hurts even more because I had hope to get her back. She says that it's the man of her life, that she will live with him, and marry him (after 1 month ??). She says that she directly proved his love for her unlike me. That he has been there for her (wtf ? I've always been there for her, I've been there for her during 2 years, everyday, everytime she needed to talk). She says that she's happy with him, that it's real love, while a few weeks ago she told me that she still loves the other guy from 2 years ago. So I really don't understand anything but seeing their relationship being perfect destroys me. It's like I'm nothing to her. I'm conscious that they're in the honeymoon stage and that she's probably idealizing him but there is a part of me that think that maybe he's just better than me. When I asked her why she did that to me, she answered that it was all my fault, that she deserved better than me (while in the past she used to say that I deserved better than her). She then blocked me everywhere and I was anxious that I tried to reach her out on tiktok with a new account. She told me to move on and I replied that I'll always be there for her if she need it and that I hope we'll talk again one day because she's very important to me. I also wished her happiness, and she didn't replied me but didn't block me either (I'm blocked everywhere except there on tiktok). I decided to not send any other messages so now it's been a week since we are in no contact. I can't sleep at night, I'm so anxious. My brain is wondering too much things. Does you really loves her new boyfriend ? Is she really happy with him ? Did she moved on with the other guy ? Am I still important to her ? Does she even think about ? Will she comeback one day ? Will she reach out ? I know I should move on because it's really toxic and it completely destroyed my mental health and self esteem (these 2 last years) but I still need some explanations because everything happened too fast and I feel lost.

I know it was very long but I wanted to give maximum informations. Thank you very much if you have read everything !
I hope you'll be able to give me constructive answers about that.

[Mikeyz]

Hello everyone ! This is my first post here and I want to share my experience because it's been hurting me a lot these last days. I apologize if there are some faults, English is not my native language.

I don't know where to begin but I'll try to explain the whole story so you have all details. I'm 22 and I met my ex two and half years ago. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she says she has BPD and I'm pretty sure it's true considering her behavior. She's my first love and it was really intense at first. During the first month of our relationship, she kept telling me that I was special, that I was the only one who could truly understand her, that I didn't judge her at all. I had access to her phone and one day I saw weird messages in her phone, she was talking to another guy and they seemed very close. I was jealous about this guy and told her about that. She told me that there was nothing with him and that he was just a friend, that I was paranoid. But then only 2 months later, she broke up with me and admitted she loves that guy (so our relationship didn't last very long). But we stayed in touch. During the next few months, we kept talking every day and she was still very close to me. I was her confident, she always told me about everything that was happening in her life, she kept reminding me I was very important to her. Then one day, maybe 4 months after our breakup, she decided to see that guy she loves. She told me she loved him even more when she met him, but only a few days later, she also saw someone else she met on a dating app and kissed him. Of course, I was really jealous but I also thought that it was not honest and decided to tell the guy she "loves" about the situation. The guy thanked me for informing him and decided to not go further with her even if he liked her. My ex learned about that and since that day, she became mad at me. She told me that I betrayed her, that she will never trust me again. She said that she lost the man of her life because of me and that she would never forgive me. Then a month later, she dated the guy she kissed (so not the guy she "loves") and their relationship lasted 7 months. We were still talking very often during their relationship. At the start of their relationship, she told me that she loves her boyfriend (which is weird since I though she loved the other guy who left). She was always telling me that her boyfriend does a lot for her, that he's the one, that she would move in with him. I remember it hurted me a lot because it seemed like it was always better with him. She made it look like their realtionship was healthy. But then after few months, she confessed to me that she still loves that guy who left and she tried to sabotage her relationship. So her boyfriend became tired of her behavior and decided to broke up. I was still there for her everyday. She told me that she doesn't want any relationships anymore and that she has to heal and move on from that guy she "loves". She stayed single for months but we were still talking everyday. It was really toxic tho. We used to argue a lot, and often she would remind me that I betrayed her, that she doesn't love me, that she feels nothing for me, that I destroyed her life. Even if I always tried my best to not argue, she would find a way to argue with me. And as days goes she would become colder and colder, and kept telling me she didn't love me. She would often block me after an argument, but not on every social medias, probably knowing I would reach out. Or sometimes she would block me everywhere but unblock me a few hours after. Then four months ago, she started to become affective with me again. This has not happened for almost 2 years. She was kind to me, flirty and even accepted to see me again. It was the first time I was going to see her again since our breakup. I was so excited, I though maybe loves me. I saw her 3 months ago and she was so happy to see me. We slept together in a hotel and we didn't kiss or had sex but she slept in my arms, she cuddled my hairs while looking at me. She did everything a person in love would do. And in the middle of that night, I texted a friend on Instagram and she saw a girl in my dm's. That girl she saw was nothing more than a friend but she started to get mad at me and then cried. She told me that I betrayed her again, that I do not truly love her. She said that I was a liar because I told her before the date that I wasn't talking to any girl. But I meant no girls in a romantic way. But even if I showed her my conversations with this girl to show that there was nothing romantic, she didn't believe me and said that I was just a play boy. What's weird is that an hour later she came in my arms again so I though the problem was finally over. In the morning, we both woke up at the same time and she didn't want to leave my arms. That's when I though that she definitely loves me. When we each comeback home, I told her that I missed her a lot and that I was so happy to see her after all that time, she answered "me too". A few days later, I proposed her to see each other again but she replied very coldly. She said that she's not sure that she wants any relationships. I didn't know what to do but said that I could wait for her. Then as the days goes, she became colder and colder and finally told me that she doesn't want to date someone like me "who doesn't know what he wants" and who "talks to multiples girls at the same time". So she used that again as en excuse to not see me. She also said that she doesn't love me at all and that she felt nothing when she saw me. And the hurted me a lot to hear that. So I asked her why did she slept in my arms when we saw each other and she said that it meant nothing, that she could do that with friends and that  if she loved me, she would kiss me. That made no sense at all. Then she said that she's still love that guy (yes still the same guy she saw 2 years ago). So she said again that she had to move on from him, that she doesn't want any relationships with anyone because she is lost and won't be able to love anyone for a long time because she's still in love with that guy. As the days goes, we argued a lot and she became even colder and I suspected her to talk to someone else but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested at all by relationships and that she wants to heal alone and I believed her. But then 1 month ago, she told me to move on and find someone else, then she blocked me everywhere. And it was actually the first time she really blocked me without unblocking me directly so I tried to reach her out. I was making new accounts to talk to her and she would always replied with mean words, that she didn't care about me. It was truly the first time she really wanted me out of her life so it shocked me. And 10 days ago, she finally told me that she had a boyfriend since 1 month. So she was lying to me when she said she talked to nobody and didn't want a relationship with anyone. It shattered my heart because it's the second time I'm getting replaced, and this time it hurts even more because I had hope to get her back. She says that it's the man of her life, that she will live with him, and marry him (after 1 month ??). She says that she directly proved his love for her unlike me. That he has been there for her (wtf ? I've always been there for her, I've been there for her during 2 years, everyday, everytime she needed to talk). She says that she's happy with him, that it's real love, while a few weeks ago she told me that she still loves the other guy from 2 years ago. So I really don't understand anything but seeing their relationship being perfect destroys me. It's like I'm nothing to her. I'm conscious that they're in the honeymoon stage and that she's probably idealizing him but there is a part of me that think that maybe he's just better than me. When I asked her why she did that to me, she answered that it was all my fault, that she deserved better than me (while in the past she used to say that I deserved better than her). She then blocked me everywhere and I was anxious that I tried to reach her out on tiktok with a new account. She told me to move on and I replied that I'll always be there for her if she need it and that I hope we'll talk again one day because she's very important to me. I also wished her happiness, and she didn't replied me but didn't block me either (I'm blocked everywhere except there on tiktok). I decided to not send any other messages so now it's been a week since we are in no contact. I can't sleep at night, I'm so anxious. My brain is wondering too much things. Does you really loves her new boyfriend ? Is she really happy with him ? Did she moved on with the other guy ? Am I still important to her ? Does she even think about ? Will she comeback one day ? Will she reach out ? I know I should move on because it's really toxic and it completely destroyed my mental health and self esteem (these 2 last years) but I still need some explanations because everything happened too fast and I feel lost.

I know it was very long but I wanted to give maximum informations. Thank you very much if you have read everything !
I hope you'll be able to give me constructive answers about that.

[Pensive1]

Mikeyz,

Welcome to the board. The behaviors you describe are familiar to a lot of people here.

You're right that you "should move on because it's really toxic and it completely destroyed my mental health and self esteem."

The thinking of people with BPD contains major distortions. So you may never get an "explanation" that fully makes sense and that facilitates proper closure.  People with BPD, in general, can't attach and love someone in a stable, mature way. But the idealization and intensity can create an intoxicating whirlwind. I think a lot of people on this board (myself included) go through a long phase of trying to understand the psychology beneath this disorder (to try to make sense of what happened to them). In this regard, I found object relations theory somewhat helpful (here are postings from one board member who wrote a lot about that).

I hope time brings you distance and peace.

[Cluster Beeline]

If I understand correctly you had a three month sexual relationship with this woman and then accepted a humiliating relegation to the "friendzone" for two years. During this time you still claimed some sort of relationship rights over her. Now she has a new relationship and has pushed you into the no-contact zone.

This is an example of the paradox of BPD. You will have to admit you did everything wrong during those two years but now have an excellent result: she is out of your life. Had you acted correctly, by distancing yourself from her the moment she broke up, you would have eventually been idealized and she would have reconnected with you. Since you would have held the cards in that situation, you would have to power to make it clear that the friendzone was a no-go and demand sex as a condition of contact.

Since pwBDP's typically have unstable relationships, her new situation will probably deteriorate at some point. She may contact you or may not--she might be hesitant given how clingy you were.

Your best play is to get as far away from her as possible. Use this relationship as a learning experience and try not to make the same mistakes again with future lovers. By distancing yourself from her you will paradoxically raise your value to her. She may eventually send feelers out to get a sense of your situation. Your best move would be to ignore them. Second best is to reject any friendzone situations and make it clear that you are only down for a sexual relationship. Worst would be to go back into her friendzone orbit.