Dealing with ‘issues’ in the relationship that are BPD/illness based.

[KayakerDude]

So I am conflicted about whether or not I want to continue with my uBPDW. And have posted in the other board about that.

But . . . As a good discussion, how do people here deal with the pretty obviously BPD ‘issues’ that come up in a relationship when the claim is that it’s all your fault from the uBPD partner?

My situation is that my wife has been diagnosied with CPTSD, and has entered treatment (IOP) for that and has been doing that for 7 weeks now. But so far no real improvement as I think it’s pretty clearly BPD also or instead of.
But the real issue is that my wife won’t let go of her delusional/disordered beliefs that I am equally to blame for her hurt and that we cannot seem to continue as things are. But in my case I can see clearly (and am working with a therapist to try and keep my head clear on these things) that these are basically BPD thinking/feeling issues in our relationship.

Great, I can see the truth, but how can I use that information to help my relationship? And I do understand that this is a lot like the ‘how can I help my partner with BPD even though they deny they have it?’ kind of question so maybe it doesn’t have an answer other than create my own boundaries, validate her feelings even if I disagree with the facts. Plus no JADE in discussions.

I keep trying to very gently bring up the fact that perhaps we cannot both accurately understand and fix any ‘issues’ before her illness is treated effectively. And that I am not claiming to be perfect, and that I am not claiming that she has to be ‘fixed’ for a real discussion about our relationship to happen. But that until she can have a discussion without yelling at me, insulting me, and can listen to me politely then we cannot possibly work on ‘higher level’ relationship issues (money/long-term plans/autonomy within the relationship/drug and alcohol use/etc.)
Right now I keep telling her I am only asking for basic decency in communication and interaction and am not getting even that.

Anyhow, I hope this can be a useful discussion for me and all the others that are stuck in that place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mad Dog]

Hello KD and welcome to the the blog. If you haven't gotten a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I highly recommend doing so. My wife and I have been married for 48 yrs. and it has been a rocky road. Years ago I started going to therapy to find out what's wrong with me and how I could become a better person. Within the past 2 yrs. I became aware that the problem was not me, but my wife. It was suggested to me by my therapist at the time that I obtain the book. Her caveat was that she had never seen my wife so she couldn't make a diagnosis. She told me the book was recommended by a colleague. This colleague was either my wife's therapist or the therapist that we both saw for 2 visits. All therapists had our consent to discuss our situation with each other. When I read the book my eyes were opened. I realized that I had been on the receiving end of splitting, paranoia, inflexibility with regards to perceptions, etc. Having been on the receiving end of countless rages, I now had a better understanding of what was happening. I now know why it was impossible to have a calm, adult conversation. My wife is undiagnosed and will have nothing more to do with therapy. The only thing that saved me was working with my therapist to restore/maintain my self esteem. I love my wife dearly and understand now who and what  I'm dealing with. I no longer expect  to have a rational conversation. So much of what has happened over the last 48 yrs. now has clarity and I can move on. Don't lose hope, but above all, take care of yourself. Read all you can about BPD, books, this blog, etc. This will really help when you are on the receiving end of yet another rage. I could go into much more detail but I won't. Stay strong. Remember, loved ones, family, and friends may not see the BPD side of your wife. Hope this helps. I feel your pain.