I want to be able to support her, but I also need to support myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

I'm new to the website. I found this place whilst searching desperately for somewhere to talk with other people in this situation who understand and can give advice. My girlfriend of 5 years has BPD with NPD traits. Her mental health has been all over the place throughout our relationship, and nothing ever seems to really get better.

I'm in therapy myself, and I have slowly learned to advocate for myself, set boundaries, recognise my own needs, and ensure I live a life that is for me and not ruled by her emotions and current mental state. Sadly, as nothing changes, I keep coming to the conclusion that I simply cannot be in a relationship with her and be happy. I feel so so unfair to her as I know she is mentally unwell and to some extent not in control of what's happening, it feels so judgemental to say she's "too much" for me to handle. But it really is too much.

We started seeing a couples therapist in Jan of this year and it isn't doing anything at all. Most weeks, she screams at me through the whole hour of therapy and the therapist just sits and watches. I've expressed repeatedly that this isn't working, and that I really need to see some concrete change outside of therapy, and I've been told by the therapist that I can't expect change immediately. I don't mean a whole magic fix of her mental illness, I would just like to see literally any small thing change.

The therapist also challenges me a lot to think about what I want and my needs, which alongside personal therapy is what leads me to re-evaluating and realising I am miserable and my partner has no ability right now to change her behaviour. I feel mostly like I am sleepwalking at this point, just going along with everything for the sake of it with no actual desire to be a part of things. Our therapist said we need to work on being triggered by each other, and I felt so overwhelmed because all I do is work on trying to respond better to her behaviour whilst she does absolutely nothing, I ended up suggesting we stop talking outside of seeing each other irl. We're in a long distance relationship, so we see each other once a month. This helped, but it only really lasted a week or two, and the therapy sessions we had in that time were just more of her screaming at me.

So, we basically don't talk anymore. It feels good, I feel free, but every interaction we have is horrific now. She screams at me and insists I'm going to abandon her. All of the pain and hurt I feel is magnified now, because when we engage its right there in my face, rather than being a constant background noise. I leave every interaction exhausted and depressed, and mostly just wishing and pleading with the universe for this to end.

A few months back, our therapist suggested I take a week for myself with no responsibility to her, just focus on me. We didn't talk throughout the week, and my girlfriend was tasked with sending me a text every day with some kind of affirmation or affection (she really struggled with this). During that week, I had a lot of time to reflect and think about my life and what I want, and I realised I am totally unhappy being in a LDR. I tried for literally 3 years to move to her city, but it's the capital city in my country and astronomically expensive. No landlord would rent to me as I was being out-bid by richer people, and I ended up giving up and staying in my city.

So, I talked to her about this, and said that I think either she needs to consider moving here, or I need for us to break up, because I am unhappy in this relationship in so many ways and it doesn't meet any of my needs. This led to one of the worst fights we've ever had, it was horrific. Ultimately she agreed to consider it, and said she would come to a decision by the 15th June. Of course, we are almost there now. The last two weeks have been hell on earth. She has said so many absolutely horrible things to me and my heart is so broken. I feel so confused and hurt and I know that if she chooses to move here, I am gonna have to put some serious work into learning how to handle this better.

I know this is long and rambly and I apologise! I essentially want to avoid us breaking up, but I don't know if that's even possible anymore. I am so tired, and so apathetic. I love her a lot, I know she is very unwell, and I know that she needs to work to get better individually before we can ever have a relationship that is not like this. I just don't know how to support her in this and how to help her get better whilst also ensuring I am happy and live a life that meets my needs.

Thanks for reading and understanding 

[strawberrypeach4]

Hi there,

I'm new to the website. I found this place whilst searching desperately for somewhere to talk with other people in this situation who understand and can give advice. My girlfriend of 5 years has BPD with NPD traits. Her mental health has been all over the place throughout our relationship, and nothing ever seems to really get better.

I'm in therapy myself, and I have slowly learned to advocate for myself, set boundaries, recognise my own needs, and ensure I live a life that is for me and not ruled by her emotions and current mental state. Sadly, as nothing changes, I keep coming to the conclusion that I simply cannot be in a relationship with her and be happy. I feel so so unfair to her as I know she is mentally unwell and to some extent not in control of what's happening, it feels so judgemental to say she's "too much" for me to handle. But it really is too much.

We started seeing a couples therapist in Jan of this year and it isn't doing anything at all. Most weeks, she screams at me through the whole hour of therapy and the therapist just sits and watches. I've expressed repeatedly that this isn't working, and that I really need to see some concrete change outside of therapy, and I've been told by the therapist that I can't expect change immediately. I don't mean a whole magic fix of her mental illness, I would just like to see literally any small thing change.

The therapist also challenges me a lot to think about what I want and my needs, which alongside personal therapy is what leads me to re-evaluating and realising I am miserable and my partner has no ability right now to change her behaviour. I feel mostly like I am sleepwalking at this point, just going along with everything for the sake of it with no actual desire to be a part of things. Our therapist said we need to work on being triggered by each other, and I felt so overwhelmed because all I do is work on trying to respond better to her behaviour whilst she does absolutely nothing, I ended up suggesting we stop talking outside of seeing each other irl. We're in a long distance relationship, so we see each other once a month. This helped, but it only really lasted a week or two, and the therapy sessions we had in that time were just more of her screaming at me.

So, we basically don't talk anymore. It feels good, I feel free, but every interaction we have is horrific now. She screams at me and insists I'm going to abandon her. All of the pain and hurt I feel is magnified now, because when we engage its right there in my face, rather than being a constant background noise. I leave every interaction exhausted and depressed, and mostly just wishing and pleading with the universe for this to end.

A few months back, our therapist suggested I take a week for myself with no responsibility to her, just focus on me. We didn't talk throughout the week, and my girlfriend was tasked with sending me a text every day with some kind of affirmation or affection (she really struggled with this). During that week, I had a lot of time to reflect and think about my life and what I want, and I realised I am totally unhappy being in a LDR. I tried for literally 3 years to move to her city, but it's the capital city in my country and astronomically expensive. No landlord would rent to me as I was being out-bid by richer people, and I ended up giving up and staying in my city.

So, I talked to her about this, and said that I think either she needs to consider moving here, or I need for us to break up, because I am unhappy in this relationship in so many ways and it doesn't meet any of my needs. This led to one of the worst fights we've ever had, it was horrific. Ultimately she agreed to consider it, and said she would come to a decision by the 15th June. Of course, we are almost there now. The last two weeks have been hell on earth. She has said so many absolutely horrible things to me and my heart is so broken. I feel so confused and hurt and I know that if she chooses to move here, I am gonna have to put some serious work into learning how to handle this better.

I know this is long and rambly and I apologise! I essentially want to avoid us breaking up, but I don't know if that's even possible anymore. I am so tired, and so apathetic. I love her a lot, I know she is very unwell, and I know that she needs to work to get better individually before we can ever have a relationship that is not like this. I just don't know how to support her in this and how to help her get better whilst also ensuring I am happy and live a life that meets my needs.

Thanks for reading and understanding 

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[kells76]

Hello strawberrypeach4 and a warm

Glad you felt ready to reach out and get some support. Relationships with pwBPD are so challenging, and I think one facet of why is because BPD is kind of an "invisible" limitation. If your partner used a wheelchair, or had hearing aids, or had a limb difference, you could see it; it would make sense why your partner physically could not do certain things. BPD, though, not only is an emotional (vs a physical) limitation, but it also seems to manifest as inconsistent (that is, the consistent way BPD shows up is as inconsistency): sometimes she's so loving and "together" and lucid, and isn't that the real her, not the screaming, irrational, hateful one? This makes for a lot of confusion, as I'm sure you've experienced.

I'm in therapy myself, and I have slowly learned to advocate for myself, set boundaries, recognise my own needs, and ensure I live a life that is for me and not ruled by her emotions and current mental state. Sadly, as nothing changes, I keep coming to the conclusion that I simply cannot be in a relationship with her and be happy. I feel so so unfair to her as I know she is mentally unwell and to some extent not in control of what's happening, it feels so judgemental to say she's "too much" for me to handle. But it really is too much.

That's great to hear that you're in therapy. I know what you mean about it being a slow process. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits (and is married to a man with many NPD traits), and it's been a long journey for me to find more effective ways of dealing with them, supporting the kids, and letting go of outcomes.

I noticed your phrase "she's too much for you to handle", and that you feel judgmental of yourself for that. I get what you're saying -- but it still seems revealing, in the sense of: when would someone else's mental wellness ever be yours to handle, or your responsibility? Could be interesting to dig into where that's coming from.

We started seeing a couples therapist in Jan of this year and it isn't doing anything at all. Most weeks, she screams at me through the whole hour of therapy and the therapist just sits and watches. I've expressed repeatedly that this isn't working, and that I really need to see some concrete change outside of therapy, and I've been told by the therapist that I can't expect change immediately. I don't mean a whole magic fix of her mental illness, I would just like to see literally any small thing change.

When you expressed that it wasn't working, was that to your GF, the therapist, or both?

Do you and/or your GF ever do 1x1 sessions with the couples T, to check in individually?

Had your GF been in any kind of therapy before this?

The therapist also challenges me a lot to think about what I want and my needs, which alongside personal therapy is what leads me to re-evaluating and realising I am miserable and my partner has no ability right now to change her behaviour. I feel mostly like I am sleepwalking at this point, just going along with everything for the sake of it with no actual desire to be a part of things. Our therapist said we need to work on being triggered by each other, and I felt so overwhelmed because all I do is work on trying to respond better to her behaviour whilst she does absolutely nothing, I ended up suggesting we stop talking outside of seeing each other irl. We're in a long distance relationship, so we see each other once a month. This helped, but it only really lasted a week or two, and the therapy sessions we had in that time were just more of her screaming at me.

It did stand out to me in your post, that sense of "going along with it". You mentioned, too:

So, I talked to her about this, and said that I think either she needs to consider moving here, or I need for us to break up, because I am unhappy in this relationship in so many ways and it doesn't meet any of my needs.

Does it feel like you'd... and I'm not sure exactly how to phrase this, but -- prefer to have things happen to you, rather than to take action to make a change? That may not be exactly it, but it's sounding to me like maybe you're hoping she breaks up with you; or, at least, that she be the one to take the lead in making a choice about the relationship?

Is any of that close, or am I off base?

To me, that seems key to your situation.

It sounds like the worst of both worlds to be unhappy in a relationship and not making changes (whether to "pull the bandaid off" and end things, or to kind of "activate" and be like "what do I have to lose, I'll try something new to improve the relationship").

This isn't to say "it's all your fault". Your relationship didn't get here overnight, and both of you have contributed to the challenges, though in different ways and different amounts.

I think it is saying that BPD relationships can challenge our core selves in a "purified by fire" way that other relationships don't always. In "generally normal" relationships, sometimes we can kind of skate along, and both partners' basic functionality keeps things going at an average level. Maybe no deep insights, but no deep challenges. In a BPD relationship, if we don't gain profound clarity about having a sense of self, what choices are mine, what agency I have, what my core values are, what is and isn't my responsibility, what is and isn't under my control, whose emotions are whose, then the relationship is dead on arrival.

Again, it isn't saying "if you could just get better mental health, then you could save the relationship". It's more that for the relationship to have a chance takes a lot of growing up on the non-BP partner's side, to radically accept the pwBPD's emotional limitations and impairments and to have the strength to be in an unequal partnership without resentment or martyrdom, or to take responsibility for ending things.

Not easy choices -- yet many members here choose to stay for many reasons, and those are respected here, and we can walk with everyone in finding healthier, more effective ways to relate and communicate in a BPD relationship.

Lots to think about!

...

Ultimately she agreed to consider it, and said she would come to a decision by the 15th June. Of course, we are almost there now. The last two weeks have been hell on earth. She has said so many absolutely horrible things to me and my heart is so broken. I feel so confused and hurt and I know that if she chooses to move here, I am gonna have to put some serious work into learning how to handle this better.

What's the plan for June 15th? Will the two of you have a phone call, or...?

I know this is long and rambly and I apologise! I essentially want to avoid us breaking up, but I don't know if that's even possible anymore. I am so tired, and so apathetic. I love her a lot, I know she is very unwell, and I know that she needs to work to get better individually before we can ever have a relationship that is not like this. I just don't know how to support her in this and how to help her get better whilst also ensuring I am happy and live a life that meets my needs.

I wonder if you have a personal boundary (rule for yourself) or core value around that? If so, how would you phrase it?