When your BPD partner does potentially unsafe things...

[campbembpd]

Hello all,

A situation that's come up a couple of times, trying to establish what if any action I should be taking. During a rage my uBPDw will escalate and at times decide she's going to LEAVE the house because she can't stand being around me. Nearly always she's been drinking and/or high on marijuana. She at least has the sense to not get in the car and drive. But... she will walk sometimes a couple of miles to a bar/restaurant. She's done things like turn off the Life360 so no one knows where she is.

If she's not drunk, in a rage and she decides to leave that's her decision. I don't think I should be chasing after her, texting her begging her to come back. I'm done with that (appreciate any validation that is an appropriate boundary). She really railed against me last time but I stood firm - she went for a long walk when it started pouring rain. I did ask her not to go, I didn't think it was safe. She went then 25 minutes later was texting angry texts, called me screaming that I did this to her, I got her to the point she had to leave. I asked if she would like me to come get her now and she did so I did. It was pouring rain and now she was a 25 min walk from the house. Should I have held fast and not contacted her at all or let her walk home in the rain so as to live with the consequences of her actions?

So a bigger concern comes in for when she has been drinking and I know she's drunk. I'm genuinely concerned for her safety. She could stumble down the street, she could go get more drunk, etc. I don't want her to get hurt but I don't think it's my job to follow her and beg her to come back even when she's drunk. But also I don't know, calling the police seems extreme. What would you do, what do you think is appropriate in these circumstances?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

This may sound cold but keeping her from the consequences of her actions is enabling and things won't change under these circumstances.

I've posted before that this was the dynamic in my family and I see the results of decades of enabling. I've also seen - the rages, the drunkeness, the doped up, the trashing of the house, the self harm, and the police bringing my mother home from the unthinkable and my father somehow minimizing this.

Yes, I understand that you are scared and worried. We kids were/are too- we don't want any harm done to my mother - by her own actions or anything else.

My father, like you, did the best he could to take care of her but this enabling also prevented her from getting the mental health care she needs- probably inpatient.

If my mother was out wandering around drunk at night, I'd call the police. This may feel extreme to you but it's an extreme situation and getting authorities involved may lead to her getting the medical care she needs.

I agree- you don't let her get physically hurt wandering around alone drunk at night. Sometimes we don't let people seriously hurt themselves but if they put themselves in this situation, it's also beyond our ability to help on our own. Calling the police, or 911 in another instance is helping without enabling.

[campbembpd]

Thanks Notwendy. Not an ideal answer but it is kind of what I thought. I do not want to keep enabling. I really am at the point where I'm almost hoping she gets to the point of getting a psych hold so she can be evaluated and possibly get the mental help she needs.

Now the issue for me is and it's 100% personal I suppose but how drunk is drunk enough to call the police. 1 glass of wine maybe not, 5 or 6 maybe so. And sometimes it's hard to distinguish her being in a rage and out of control and how much may be alcohol induced (if I didn't monitor and know how much she's drinking). There have been plenty of times w/o being drunk she's stormed off.

I'm in a CODA support group. Any thoughts if there would be any added benefit to attending Al Anon?

[Notwendy]

I have spent time in ACA and CODA groups.

Growing up seeing my BPD mother, I thought I'd be OK because I don't get drunk. As if that was the way to not have the problems I saw with my parents. I don't drink a lot,  didn't date anyone who drank a lot. I don't object to alcohol in reasonable amounts- and will also have a glass of wine once in a while but drinking in larger amounts or being inebriated to me was a huge red flag. There's a difference between an alcoholic having one drink and someone who isn't one having one drink- the non-alcoholic does not have the emotional and dysfunctional behaviors. So it doesn't matter how many drinks your wife has. One is too many for an alcoholic.

I was actually afraid of drinking too much for fear of acting like my BPD mother. So when a counselor suggested 12 step groups for me, I was surprised.

I saw my mother as the problem and my father as the victim of her behavior but once I got into these groups, I saw where he was the "other half" of their dysfunction. Since he was the "normal" role model to me, I had adopted co-dependent behaviors as I thought they were the "normal" too and had to undo them.

So you have an incentive to work on them for yourself, your marriage, and to role model something different for your kids.

Some members in my groups attend more than one "kind" of meeting. Some are in AA and ACA, or CODA and AA, or CODA and Al Anon. I found that ACA was the better fit for me but I have learned from CODA too.  I also find that these groups can vary a lot- the culture in them can vary. They are all 12 steps but they are made of groups of lay people. There was one CODA group that I didn't seem to like much and then another that I did. The groups went through the Covid changes like everything else and so are beginning to reassemble themselves. If one Al Anon group doesn't seem to fit - try another one.

12 steps works with BPD dynamic too. Not the person with BPD- I think that is beyond the capacity for the group. Mental illness requires a professional and these are lay groups. However the family dynamics for addictions are similar to those with someone with BPD and so I think they help the partners and family members.

Long reply but the point is- yes, people learn from different groups and people may fit more than one group. You fit both CODA and Al Anon so it's worth trying both of them. But meetings are not enough to get the best improvement. Working with a sponsor is important as a sponsor will turn the mirror on your own behaviors.

[Exile]

I had to give up the idea of being my wife's protector a long time ago. You cant protect someone that won't listen to anything you say. It was really hard as being a protector was a part of my identity.  I did feel a little bit of relief when I could put it down. Honestly part of me wants to see her experience a consequence for the crazy stuff she does just once.  She never does though. Not ever. It's like BPD comes with a guardian angel or something. She habitually trespasses on posted property.  Never gets caught. She went kayaking on an extremely dangerous stretch of river with no life jacket. Got tossed off the kayak. Both she and the kayak ended up on shore no worse for wear. She wanted to go again. She gets high AF (weed edibles) and drives with out a seat belt.  Doesn't get pulled over. I can't explain it. I've gotten to a point where I don't really care any more as long as the kids aren't involved.