A 2-day break from my uHwBPD might not be wise.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m starting to realize that a 2-day break from my UH might be a bad idea. His world turns upside down without me.  I’ve never spent a night out of the house on my own, except for business purposes, when I was working, and that was  more than eight years ago. He couldn’t object— it was part of my job. But now,  I can see I might be facing a dangerous situation if I leave for two days andI return home. Also, I’m terrible at lying.  If I used a friend as a cover, while I rested up in a hotel by myself, he’d sense that I’m just trying to get away from him.

His anger is traumatizing.  And for sure, he’d make my life even more of a living hell  if I left for two days. 

So I’m thinking if I find an affordable spiritual retreat, something that I truly want to do, for ME, instead of just running from him, that might work.  I believe if I tell him about it over and over, in advance, show him a  website that spells out the planned activities, he might be ok with it.  And it would provide growth and healing for me.  It might be better than just getting a hotel room for a couple of nights. He might be convinced that I wouldn’t be running from him, I’d just be participating in an activity that happened to take place over the weekend.

I don’t know.

Does anyone else think that this makes sense?

Thanks so much.

[JazzSinger]

I’m starting to realize that a 2-day break from my UH might be a bad idea. His world turns upside down without me.  I’ve never spent a night out of the house on my own, except for business purposes, when I was working, and that was  more than eight years ago. He couldn’t object— it was part of my job. But now,  I can see I might be facing a dangerous situation if I leave for two days andI return home. Also, I’m terrible at lying.  If I used a friend as a cover, while I rested up in a hotel by myself, he’d sense that I’m just trying to get away from him.

His anger is traumatizing.  And for sure, he’d make my life even more of a living hell  if I left for two days. 

So I’m thinking if I find an affordable spiritual retreat, something that I truly want to do, for ME, instead of just running from him, that might work.  I believe if I tell him about it over and over, in advance, show him a  website that spells out the planned activities, he might be ok with it.  And it would provide growth and healing for me.  It might be better than just getting a hotel room for a couple of nights. He might be convinced that I wouldn’t be running from him, I’d just be participating in an activity that happened to take place over the weekend.

I don’t know.

Does anyone else think that this makes sense?

Thanks so much.

[Notwendy]

I think a situation that you can be honest about is better than the idea of not telling the truth- which is problematic. A retreat sounds like a good idea. Since you are not used to being away from him (and vice versa) you might wish to do this in steps- start with a one night away first.

There are two components to this-his anxiety about you being away and your anxiety about his reaction. By not going away- you are managing both- his and yours. The two of you are in this "co-dependent" loop. Your part is managing your feelings by managing his and his is depending on you to manage your feelings.

It may take some practice. If he's left to manage his own feelings- he will need to learn how. You will need to also manage your own anxiety about his reaction. (you say it isn't a danger- he pitches a fit).

So do toddlers. If they are left at day care or with a sitter, they will wail. If the parent decides to stay with them, they learn this wailing works. If the parent leaves, the child will cry for a while, settle down, and then get distracted by the things to do there. They will learn to manage their feeling when the parent leaves. Eventually, they don't cry because they know they will be OK and the parent will come back.

Your H has learned that you won't leave if he pitches a fit. To learn something different- you need to provide that opportunity.

What is keeping you from going out for a night by yourself is the feelings on both your part. You can't control your H's feelings and he will likely get upset. The first night away from him-you may also be stressed yourself. You may need to be in a supportive situation-a retreat sounds like a good one. Or spend the night at a friend or relative's house. Be honest about where you are. See if you can get through one night.

[CC43]

Jazz,

My husband, who isn’t BPD but has some traits, also pitches a fit when I leave the house. He even did so when I travelled for work about once a quarter, or when I had to attend board meetings in the evening. Dining out with girlfriends is invariably met with a barrage of texts and phone calls asking/pestering me about my whereabouts and why I’m gone « all day » when in reality I’ve left the house for two hours, and I’ve told him where I am. He’ll scream at me on the phone anyway. I understand the anxiety this behavior provokes. I feel like he « punishes » me whenever I leave the house. When I come home, say at 8PM, he’ll already be in bed, in a passive-aggressive sign of protest.

My advice is to go anyway, in spite of his poor behavior. You should not be treated like you are a youngster with a curfew, or a prisoner under house arrest, or a slave catering to his every need with no days off.  I’ve reminded my husband of this numerous times. He nevertheless hasn’t learned to treat me fairly in this regard. Yet. But if I never have a moment to myself or spend time with friends, that is not healthy at all. My husband has complete freedom to spend time away from home, which I support. So I feel zero guilt about an occasional afternoon or evening out!  I’m an adult and a good wife. He has no reason to be so possessive, needy or jealous.

My tactic is to mention my plans several days in advance, and remind him several times about the upcoming time away from home.  This lets him ask any questions he wants, and it serves to underscore how it’s a special, rare occasion. He stomachs that a little better than a seemingly sudden night out, which might feel suspicious to him.

I’m still working on this issue with him. It feels unfair to be punished with yelling, accusations and passive-aggressiveness every time I leave the home. But I refuse to let him control me so much. I’m not a slave!

[KayakerDude]

I have to ask if this type of thinking about this situation makes you think other 'bigger picture' thoughts about the relationship.

For me I was in huge levels of denial and dismissing the reality of my marriage (uBPDw).
And it wasn't until she moved out (against my wishes and pleading) back in February. It turned out I experienced a level of peace and safety in my home I haven't felt consistently for over a decade. It has been cause to think very hard about the truth of my marriage and the be honest about the seriousness of my wife's behaviors.

It turned out in my case she fell completely apart and I allowed her to move back home after only three weeks because even then I was in denial about how she treated me. Turns out it was a huge mistake in hindsight. Instead of seeing the truth about our 'issues' for longer than a couple days she ramped up the abuse to where I have now told her to move out.

And I only share to encourage you to talk this over with anyone that might have a glimpse into your relationship and ask them what they see (it was eye opening for me) and decide what YOU want. Not how you can prevent any harm or upset to someone that causes their own harm, and own upset so often.
I hear you saying you need a break, some time to recoup and recover. I feel that a lot myself so I emphasize hugely with you.

I do also agree that honesty is important, even if it doesn't not make the pwBPD happy at the moment. At least you are behaving in a way you can feel good about later. Safety now vs. guilt later is always a hard one . . .
So your idea of a retreat is perhaps a good one, but be honest with yourself about his reactions. Do they matter? Should you care? Even if you care, should it impact your decision?

Good luck.

[jaded7]

I’m starting to realize that a 2-day break from my UH might be a bad idea. His world turns upside down without me.  I’ve never spent a night out of the house on my own, except for business purposes, when I was working, and that was  more than eight years ago. He couldn’t object— it was part of my job. But now,  I can see I might be facing a dangerous situation if I leave for two days andI return home. Also, I’m terrible at lying.  If I used a friend as a cover, while I rested up in a hotel by myself, he’d sense that I’m just trying to get away from him.

His anger is traumatizing.  And for sure, he’d make my life even more of a living hell  if I left for two days.  

So I’m thinking if I find an affordable spiritual retreat, something that I truly want to do, for ME, instead of just running from him, that might work.  I believe if I tell him about it over and over, in advance, show him a  website that spells out the planned activities, he might be ok with it.  And it would provide growth and healing for me.  It might be better than just getting a hotel room for a couple of nights. He might be convinced that I wouldn’t be running from him, I’d just be participating in an activity that happened to take place over the weekend.

I don’t know.

Does anyone else think that this makes sense?

Thanks so much.

I can see you are really struggling with 'honesty' part of this. And the spiritual retreat sounds like a more 'honest' escape. It would be good for you, I'm sure. But it's still a way to escape for a couple a days, and that is really the purpose of it.

So you are trying to mange his reaction by massaging your 'reasons'. Which is totally understandable.

It sounds like you believe his anger and dysregulation will be lessened if you do a retreat? I'm just worried about when you return, which you point out above could be dangerous.

[JazzSinger]

So do toddlers. If they are left at day care or with a sitter, they will wail. If the parent decides to stay with them, they learn this wailing works. If the parent leaves, the child will cry for a while, settle down, and then get distracted by the things to do there. They will learn to manage their feeling when the parent leaves. Eventually, they don't cry because they know they will be OK and the parent will come back.

Your H has learned that you won't leave if he pitches a fit. To learn something different- you need to provide that opportunity.

NotWendy,

Thank you so much for your many insights.

I do understand the toddler analogy.  It’s quite fitting.  But I FEAR his “tantrums,” and that’s what makes me nervous about taking a 2 day break. 

I’ll get my two days, but he may be MANIC for as many as 6 months, afterwards.  It takes him a very long time to adjust to the slightest change in his life.  I’ve been through this with him.  He can be verbally abusive, antsy, and extremely anxious for long periods.   It’s very hard to live with and quite frightening. He’s a HUGE man with a VERY LOUD voice. It’s exhausting.I ‘m afraid that a 2-day break could become a six month nightmare. 

I’d probably have a little more courage if I could support myself without his income, or if I had a friend I could stay with for an extended period of time. But I have neither. Still, I recognize that I need a break, no matter what.  It’s just a matter of summoning the courage to get out.

So maybe that means I may have to leave, and then leave again, if his “tantrums” are unbearable. Maybe he will learn, like a toddler, that mommy is coming back. 

  Eventually, I WILL just do it, because I. Pretty much DONE.

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

I have to ask if this type of thinking about this situation makes you think other 'bigger picture' thoughts about the relationship.

For me I was in huge levels of denial and dismissing the reality of my marriage (uBPDw).

Kayaker Dude,

Thank you for sharing.

I know that our relationship is toxic and that he will never change. And he has gotten worse over the years, so I find myself in my golden years with a fixed income and an inability to live on my own without some financial support from him. I’m just trying to get as much health and goodness out of my last years on earth as I can.

I socialize with friends and I’m quite active outside of my home. Also, he sometimes goes out and does things on his own, which gives me a break too. These are my most PEACEFUL times.  I love it. 

I believe that a break here and there, for at least a night or two away from home, would be helpful.  I just haven’t the courage to do it yet, for fear of retaliation.   But I WILL.  I MUST. 

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

My advice is to go anyway, in spite of his poor behavior. You should not be treated like you are a youngster with a curfew, or a prisoner under house arrest, or a slave catering to his every need with no days off.  I’ve reminded my husband of this numerous times. He nevertheless hasn’t learned to treat me fairly in this regard. Yet. But if I never have a moment to myself or spend time with friends, that is not healthy at all. My husband has complete freedom to spend time away from home, which I support. So I feel zero guilt about an occasional afternoon or evening out!  I’m an adult and a good wife. He has no reason to be so possessive, needy or jealous.

CC43,
Thanks so much for sharing.

I do get out quite a lot, socializing with friends and partaking in some activities on my own, without him.  He has no objections. Indeed, if he did, I’d have to do those things anyway. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a life. 

But he can barely tolerate the idea of having to spend a night without me.  He was forced to do so when I went away on business, but since I’ve been retired, just the mere mention of it makes him bonkers. He becomes angry, fearful, and abusive.  He sees it as a signal that our marriage is falling apart.  Funny thing is, he’s right. But I’m not leaving for good. I’d love to, but I’m in my golden years and on a fixed income — I can’t live very well without his financial support, and vice versa.  I just need a BREAK.

I do FEAR retaliation.  Upon my return, he’ll likely be verbally abusive and MANIC.  He could stay this way for as many as six months.  I’ve seen him like that before, as a response to just the slightest change in his world.  It’s extremely hard to live with. 

Still, because I’m thinking about it SO MUCH, and I NEED it SO MUCH, I know that eventually, I WILL leave for a couple of days. It’s just a matter of time.

Thanks again.

-Jazz

[Notwendy]

I think you both need to build up on doing this- Not two days all at once. Probably a more realistic step is one night. The grumpy moods and reactions may increase at first- if there isn't a physical danger- let him have his cranky moods. If there is a physical danger- this is a more concerning situation- to live in a dangerous situation is different than dealing with an overgrown toddler's moods.

It makes sense for two people to share a home and living expenses if it's economically necessary for them. The question for you is how to make this situation as tolerable as possible for you- it's good to have your own interests and activities. He's not going to change.

My father, when he was able to, had a routine that got him out of the house for short intervals. He had a walking routine for exercise. He ate lunch out a lot- that's an expense but it was at a reasonable place-not an expensive restaurant. Cell phones changed these outings for him- as before that, he was away from the phone.

What makes it difficult for my BPD mother to stay alone for a while is her anxiety. Having someone with her or available to her is a way she copes with her anxiety- but that also is a lot to expect from someone else- to be available to her all the time. If she calls someone and they don't answer- she will call repeatedly over and over until they pick up. This is her emotional needs.

One thing that has helped a little is a routine, a schedule- so she knows what to expect. Even when talking to her about something, she will demand all kinds of details about it- whatever it is. This is her own anxiety- it's not anyone else's responsibility to fix. But if we have a schedule- say "we will call at 3 pm" that helps her to know that even if we can't talk now, there will be a call later. If you were to try an overnight- one night- let your H know where you are and that you will call at 9pm (or whatever time) to say hello.

Your H is going to say all kinds of things to avoid you spending a night away- "marriage is falling apart" but really- just about every couple I know has spent a night apart for some reason that has nothing to do with marital problems.  I could see where retirement for my father was a change- he was more available - but the issue is my mother's anxiety- if she could, she'd have someone with her all the time. Yet she was willing to deal with a business trip because the job was a firm boundary. Without that boundary- she could change her expectations.

You won't solve this by talking to your H about it. This isn't a rational need- it's his emotional need. It's that he's not able to manage being alone overnight- or he thinks he isn't- but he's not going to say that. He may not even recognize that it's his emotions. Like a toddler- he needs to learn that he will be OK and you will come back, but you are the one who needs to "teach" him that if you can manage it.

[JazzSinger]

I think you both need to build up on doing this- Not two days all at once. Probably a more realistic step is one night. The grumpy moods and reactions may increase at first- if there isn't a physical danger- let him have his cranky moods. If there is a physical danger- this is a more concerning situation- to live in a dangerous situation is different than dealing with an overgrown toddler's moods.

It makes sense for two people to share a home and living expenses if it's economically necessary for them. The question for you is how to make this situation as tolerable as possible for you- it's good to have your own interests and activities. He's not going to change.

Hi NotWendy,

I think you’re right — I should do ONE night, and build up to two. His grumpy moods can be unnerving.  He’s incredibly LOUD, but so far, no physical abuse. 

I do need to make our marital  situation more emotionally tolerable for me, since it does work for both of us, financially. I need to get out more, and find even more interests outside of our home. Thank God for my friends and family.  I rotate them, doing monthly lunches with  each one of them.  I also take walks. I shop/browse.   I have a gym membership.  I have places where I like to go and sit, while sipping a cup of tea.  I enjoy going to the movies by myself. There is no shortage of things to do without him.  I just need to do a little more. 

Thanks so much for sharing about your dad. It was quite helpful. 

Just can’t thank you enough.

— Jazz

[Notwendy]

Glad this helped.  I hope you can get some more time to yourself!

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I can relate to your situation.  My husband is also extremely loud, and he yells at me almost every time I leave the house for a social activity.  I'm not entirely sure if that upsets him because he feels excluded, jealous or both.  But if he comes along, he usually sulks and refuses to participate--partly from boredom, and partly in protest.  He doesn't want to do things he doesn't want to do, and yet he can't stand it if I socialize with others.  He's also big and very strong, and he can be physically intimidating.

I see the yelling as bullying.  Ironically, he once said to me that if you stand up to a bully, he will back down.  So I tried that a few times, with horrible results.  Any explanations ("I'm just on a walk with my friend Mary and we're grabbing lunch afterwards"), justifications ("I need to cultivate relationships with friends, why can't you support that?"), or push-back ("Why are you jealous of me spending time with Mary?") backfire, feeding his rage.  When he's yelling, there's no arguing with him, and he escalates.  He gets louder and louder.  And he'll completely cut me off, anyway ("Don't interrupt me!  What you did was really sh***y, you didn't invite me.  You're gone all day!  What about dinner?  I'm your husband, you can't treat me like this!).  If I point out that I was home at 3PM, with plenty of time to make dinner, he'll just distort the facts, or impose his own timeline and interpretation of events ("Stop interrupting me!  You need to listen to me!  You're always disappearing all day.  You're really sh***y.").

So for my bullying husband, I find that keeping quiet is the best tactic.  I'll ask him to lower his voice, which rarely works.  Then I'll leave the room (with no explanation), or announce that I'll be hanging up the phone if he continues to yell at me. If he pursues me and continues to yell, I'll repeat the process.  I totally understand your anxiety when your husband is yelling.  It makes me very agitated and nervous, as well as indignant about the unfair treatment.  I'm tempted to give into his demands, no matter how outrageous, to keep the peace.  But you and I know, that doesn't work in the long run, because it's not sustainable to be held captive forever, walking on eggshells to avoid an outburst.  Plus it encourages more yelling, because by yelling, he gets what he he wants--subservience and an outlet for irritation and blame.

A difference is that my husband usually calms down in the next couple of days.  Sometimes he'll admit that he acted meanly or in an irrational way.  Sometimes he won't.  But his rages can be scary, and controlling, and they wear me down.  I've tried to talk with him about the root causes, when he's in a calm state.  Initially he blames me--I complain too much, I stress him out because I keep myself busy during the day, and everything is about me.  But blaming me for his sour moods and outbursts just doesn't ring true.  What I see is projection--he's the one making everything about him, and he's the one complaining all the time about my every move.  If I'm not moving, then he's complaining about how I appear ("You seem upset!") or a minor irritation ("Stop sighing!" or "Stop sneezing!"--the exclamation points indicate that he's YELLING.).  Then he revealed to me he was jealous, and he felt insecure.  He was jealous of my friendships and how I was getting invitations from others.  He felt left out.  So I encourage him to pursue his interests with enthusiasm.  Though he does do that, maybe he's bored, or just doesn't like being very active.  And maybe he doesn't feel as important anymore, now that he's retired and he's not earning money.  He might be afraid of becoming overly reliant on me (note the irony there).  It seems to me that his ego is very fragile, and his world has shrunk, which means a laser-focus on what I'm doing every moment of the day, how I upstage him or how I make him feel insecure.  It has gotten worse, which might be why I'm experiencing some health issues right now, from the stress and lack of sleep. 

But I love the idea of a retreat for you.  It sounds like you really need it.  Maybe you could do a "spa day"?  Would it be possible to invite your husband to accompany you, but maybe have separate rooms?  Or invite him, knowing that he'd likely decline, because he has no interest in doing a retreat or spa day?  Another option would be to have a spa day with a girlfriend or family member, but book separate rooms, so that you get much-needed me time.  I myself would love a day of pampering--maybe some window shopping, a museum visit, walking, sampling a new brew, browsing in bookstores, a manicure, and especially a vacation from meal preparation, capped with a room for myself and full control over the TV and thermostat.

In fact, at one stage in my life I made a commitment to do a quarterly trip.  Every quarter, I'd travel to a town or city I hadn't visited before and spend one night in a hotel room.  It was an amazing practice that helped me take a needed break from the routine and also get to know new places!  If you announced a new regime of a quarterly (or semi-annual) retreat/spa day, maybe that would help get your husband comfortable with the idea.  Wouldn't he like to have the house to himself every once in a while?  I know I like that!

I really feel for you, because volatile husbands are challenging.  That seems to increase the need to get some alone time.

[ForeverDad]

This discussion has been beneficial for you.  You know something must be done and you've pondered the suggestions while also trying to seek your comfort zone.  However, there are no perfect answers, there is always a bit of the unknown in whatever decision you make.  That's okay, you have local DV support as well as peer support here.

As for future financial concerns, remember that if you're in the USA even after a divorce you may be able to get Social Security based on either your income history or your spouse's income history, whichever is higher.  The staff there can help you ascertain which options are open to you in your specific circumstances.

[JazzSinger]

This discussion has been beneficial for you.  You know something must be done and you've pondered the suggestions while also trying to seek your comfort zone.  However, there are no perfect answers, there is always a bit of the unknown in whatever decision you make.  That's okay, you have local DV support as well as peer support here.

As for future financial concerns, remember that if you're in the USA even after a divorce you may be able to get Social Security based on either your income history or your spouse's income history, whichever is higher.  The staff there can help you ascertain which options are open to you in your specific circumstances.

Thank you, ForeverDad.

Indeed, this discussion has been quite helpful. And it’s true — There are no perfect answers.  Still,  because of this discussion, I feel like I’m at the doorstep of finding and acting on the right steps for me.

Regarding future financial concerns, I’m a retiree who is already on social security, and mine is higher than his. The financial piece would become more  complicated, if I were to divorce him.  I’d have to decide if I want to struggle financially in my golden years, or stay with him and use my resources to have a good life, in spite of him.  Then there’s the fighting  ( with him) that I’d have to live through, during the divorce process.  I’m being honest when I say that I don’t know if I could live through it, at my age.

I think I already know I’m staying, but I also know I need more breaks. I need some  nights away from home, periodically. So that’s what I’m working on for now. I think that’s all I can manage now.

Thanks so much, ForeverDad.

And Many thanks to everyone.

I don’t know what I’d do without this website.

-Jazz

[JazzSinger]

So for my bullying husband, I find that keeping quiet is the best tactic.  I'll ask him to lower his voice, which rarely works.  Then I'll leave the room

(with no explanation), or announce that I'll be hanging up the phone if he continues to yell at me. If he pursues me and continues to yell, I'll repeat the process.  I totally understand your anxiety when your husband is yelling.  It makes me very agitated and nervous, as well as indignant about the unfair treatment.  I'm tempted to give into his demands, no matter how outrageous, to keep the peace.  But you and I know, that doesn't work in the long run, because it's not sustainable to be held captive forever, walking on eggshells to avoid an outburst.  Plus it encourages more yelling, because by yelling, he gets what he he wants--subservience and an outlet for irritation and blame

…at one stage in my life I made a commitment to do a quarterly trip.  Every quarter, I'd travel to a town or city I hadn't visited before and spend one night in a hotel room.  It was an amazing practice that helped me take a needed break from the routine and also get to know new places!  If you announced a new regime of a quarterly (or semi-annual) retreat/spa day, maybe that would help get your husband comfortable with the idea.  Wouldn't he like to have the house to himself every once in a while?  I know I like that!

CC3,

I can definitely relate.  When he starts yelling, or gets very negative or abusive, I remain silent. Sometimes I get up and go to a different room for a while.That usually causes him to calm down and change the subject.  But when he’s having an outburst, and he’s in the blind rage stage, I find that leaving the room doesn’t help much.  So next time, I will leave the house.

 I also think a quarterly trip is a great idea!

But first, I need to get him to be accustomed to my being away from home for just ONE NIGHT. He’s extremely reluctant to let go of me overnight. He’s very needy, and he fears losing me forever.  He gets mean and nasty and loud just hearing me mention the possibility of two nights out, which is what I really want.  So for now, as suggested, I’m going to push for ONE night. Eventually, maybe I’ll get to a quarterly trip. 

Thank you so much for sharing.

Jazz

[Notwendy]

Both decisions- to stay or leave are complicated and people can have their own reasons for their own choices. I think you've indicated some of them- economic and not feeling you have the emotional reserve to go through with a split.

While these are two difficult choices- they are still choices and it may help you to "own" your own choice. It won't change your H but when you decide to own the choice, it is more empowering than to feel like a victim or resentful. We can only manage our part in this- not the other persons.

You've indicated he isn't physcally violent which would be a different situation. He may react to your wanting to spend time away- but he isn't making you stay- if you look at your part in this- your fear/wish to avoid his reaction is greater than your wish to go away for a few days. To change this, you need to deal with your fear so that your wish to go away is greater than that.

Fears are emotions that keep us safe but we can rationalize them if we aren't in real danger. You may need counseling so you have support with changing this. Your task is to learn to manage your own feelings while your H is having a tantrum. It's his tantrum, not yours so you are not responsible for his feelings.

My guess is that your first night away- if you did it- you'd be nervous about his response and when you return, he'd be in his grumpy mood. That's on him to deal with that. You will need to manage your discomfort around him, with some sort of self care- take a walk, wear headphones and listen to music. Let him be. This may take practice but it could be something to work towards. If you can decrease your fear, the two day retreat may become more possible.

[JazzSinger]

- if you look at your part in this- your fear/wish to avoid his reaction is greater than your wish to go away for a few days. To change this, you need to deal with your fear so that your wish to go away is greater than that.

Fears are emotions that keep us safe but we can rationalize them if we aren't in real danger. You may need counseling so you have support with changing this. Your task is to learn to manage your own feelings while your H is having a tantrum. It's his tantrum, not yours so you are not responsible for his feelings.

NotWendy,

It’s true. My fear of his response if I spend a night out is greater than my desire to get a break from him.

Indeed, I guess I need to work on this fear with my therapist.  His tantrums are angry, loud, demeaning, and terrifying. I often move to a different room until he calms down. If it morphs into an outburst, I actually have to leave the house. The (horrible) blind rage,  abusive language, and his use of audio aids — like finding and blasting rap songs with a hook like,  “You’re stupid,” over and over, feels like TOO much to bear. Too bizarre, coming from a HUGE, educated, grown man. . So this is what I fear.

I’ll work on it. Because I MUST take a break from him.

Thanks so much. 

—Jazz

[ForeverDad]

Imagine calling the non-emergency police help line with "You're stupid..." blaring in the background... yes, it would antagonize him, but might a resulting visit from Authority impel him to limit his actions?

IDK... You're no longer being respected, not for a long, long time.  Would police visits help or hurt long term?  Sure, he might instead find other less direct ways to disturb you, but it might help overall that he knows there are limits.

[JazzSinger]

Imagine calling the non-emergency police help line with "You're stupid..." blaring in the background... yes, it would antagonize him, but might a resulting visit from Authority impel him to limit his actions?

IDK... You're no longer being respected, not for a long, long time.  Would police visits help or hurt long term?  Sure, he might instead find other less direct ways to disturb you, but it might help overall that he knows there are limits.

Thank you, ForeverDad.

Not sure if we have non-emergency police in our area, but I will look into it.  Maybe that will make him think twice, although I’m not sure how much control he has over his outbursts. Also, it could trigger an even angrier response. He’s a BIG man, and he can be very scary. But it’s worth a try, if I can get some relief from it.

Fortunately, he’s not always angry, out of control or verbally abusive.  But clearly, he’s almost always complaining and seeing the dark side of everything.  And the lack of respect disgusts me, especially since he’s so needy that he often can’t even stand not being in the same room with me. 
He’s a piece of work.

I’m working on this.

Cannot thank you enough.

Jazz