After 43 Years, My Sister Cut Me Off And I Don't Understand

[LonelyOnly77]

I have a little sister. We have always been close, but we have been exceptionally close since I was about 12-13 and she was around 9-10. We go through periods where we talked every day and others where we didn't, but for the last 12 years, the exact amount of time since she broke up with her toxic ex after having a child with him, she has relied on me for emotional support and called me her "best friend." I always knew something wasn't quite right with her (or me for that matter, I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2006), but while I mostly just hurt myself, she would go back and forth between being passive-aggressive (usually with the silent treatment) and aggressive-aggressive to verbally abusive. When she got angry she would say and do things she didn't mean, then would feel bad and beat up on herself.

She's always struggled with making friends and keeping them. Same with romantic partners as she's often attracted to awful people who treat her poorly. And she's always alternated between being co-dependent towards me and being cold, cruel or indifferent. Either she wants me in her life or she doesn't and it's always been on her terms. When I need her, she often finds some excuse to disengage or disappear. But when she needs me, I drop everything and jump to help.

Our parents were tough on her growing up. Our mother was often sick and was more negligent of a parent towards her than she was towards me and our older sister as she never had the energy or health for a third child, especially one that fought with her constantly over everything. They were too similar in that my mother was also argumentative, controlling, and demanding, but unlike my sister, my mother was often affectionate, and reciprocal and didn't expect much from us other than our love and respect.

I knew my little sister felt unloved, so I tried to pour all my love into her from the time I became aware of her particular pain. But she never really reciprocated. Sometimes it seemed like she did, but to be honest, most of the time she wasn't there when I needed her most. I wrote it off as she was younger than me and had her own issues — she was in an abusive relationship with her child's father off and on for a decade — so I didn't take the lack of reciprocity personally.

Then she got pregnant and she needed me, so I tried to be there as much as I could while balancing my career, living far away on the East Coast while she stayed near our family in the Midwest. After she had her child, I thought she'd finally outgrown her issues and chalked up our past hot n' cold nature to "immaturity." I was so happy to have a "normal, healthy" relationship with my sister.

Then our mother died. Shortly after that, she met a man who turned out to be an abusive narcissist. Against the family's advice, she married him. After dating for two years, they were divorced in 9 months. She was in therapy at the time and the therapist helped her see how her childhood affected her current life, which was turbulent. Suddenly everything was our parents' fault and they were the cause of all her pain. Our now-dead mother went from being a complicated but loving figure to a "bitch" and someone not deserving of being called "Mama" anymore and she "hated her" and hoped she "rots in hell." This was all very hard for me to hear, as I was extremely close to our mother and my sister and mother are so similar.

Rapidly, it seemed like she was spiraling into despair. Then her child's father, after refusing to visit his son for years, decided to attend his band recital. She wrote our big sister asking her and our dad to be "polite" to her ex and his family. They were and apparently, that was a huge mistake. She stopped speaking to them and called me full of rage that they were too nice to her former abuser. Every conversation got worse and worse until we decided we wouldn't talk about our family anymore. During our last talk she told me that I and our other sister would never understand her pain because she was the only one our parents "didn't like."

I decided to give her space. I would text occasionally. I sent her flowers on Mother's Day like always. My last text from her was a thank you for the flowers, and then she went radio silent on me. No matter what I wrote or said, she would not respond. Then I went home for Father's Day weekend and she kept her son — the only child in our family — away and wouldn't let him come over to visit while I was in town. I love my nephew as if he were my own child. I very badly want a relationship with him and make a big production about seeing him whenever I come home. I only come home a few times a year, so to not see him was devastating. It was the cruelest thing she'd ever done because I didn't understand why.

I asked her why aren't we talking. That I'm confused. That I don't understand what's happening. She ignored me. All the while, up until this past weekend, her son comes over my father's house every Friday and stays with him through Sunday. This was his first time not spending the weekend with my dad in months. That even though she has not been speaking to him or our older sister, she still would let them see him, but when it came to me ... the person who has loved, protected and supported her, I was denied and iced out.

I have reached out a few times since then, but I can feel myself giving up. She's decided I'm a monster, I guess. And that all my love meant nothing. I have my own issues with bipolar that have been under control for a while, but I can feel myself starting to slip into despair. I love my family more than anything but since our mom died, it has not been the same because my family struggles with communication and dealing with problems when they're small, instead choosing to let them grow, deepen, and worsen.

My sister is not diagnosed. I've always suspected she had BPD, but I truly thought she'd outgrown it and that becoming a mom had grounded her. But she's 43, has no friends, no partner, two toxic exes who stalk and harass her, a father and two sisters she now refuses to speak to and she's close to no other relatives in our family as she "hates" them too. She's always been sarcastic and negative, but in those months leading up to her icing me out, it became wearying and disturbing. She's completely isolated (even her job is remote, so she has no co-workers as friends either). And it's all by choice. All she has is her son, but he's only 11, about to turn 12, and I worry about her messing up her relationship with him like she is destroying our relationship for reasons I'll never understand. She used to call me her "best friend" and I knew that never sounded quite right (she has always had a tendency to put me up on pedestals to only knock me off when we disagree), but I wanted to believe it was me and her forever, that we'd always be close from now on.

But the bad old days of our teens and 20s are back and worse than ever. Before she stopped talking to me, we would talk a lot about how tired she was of the turmoil in her life. She was tired of being harassed and stalked. Tired of chaos. Tired of everything being so "hard" for her. And I was too. I was tired of being on this journey with her, but I didn't want her to go away. I just wanted her to get better and be happy. Now I'm afraid with me being cut off, that may never happen.

I've read a lot about BPD. I know there's a strong chance that after I stop trying to engage, or if another crisis hits, she'll be back. But I don't know if I can do this anymore. This hurts more than anything she's ever done to me. Mostly because I'm 46 now, in a good, healthy romantic relationship with a great career, a peaceful home life, and lots of friends. The only thing I don't have is a child. I feel like she resents me. Before we stopped speaking there were signs she was upset that my life was so problem-free, as if I hadn't been broke and struggling for most of my 20s and 30s. As if I hadn't worked hard, through therapy, medication, and making amends, to get my life together after being in and out of mental hospitals, and struggling with suicidal ideation for more than a decade.

All I want is to share my life with her and her son. We already don't have a mom anymore. Our dad is 82 and won't be with us forever. Our oldest sister pulled away from all of us a decade or more ago. She's friendly and kind, but unknowable and intensely private. Like, we've never seen the inside of her home, private. So all I really had family-wise was my dad, my baby sister and her kid. To lose her (and possibly her son) is heartbreaking for me. I don't know how to move forward even though I know I have to because I can't ever allow myself to get sick again and fall back into old habits and patterns.

I want closure. I want to understand. But for some reason, this time, it feels like I never will. I feel like she's gone forever and the last 43 years meant nothing. My love meant nothing. My support meant nothing. My time meant nothing. All our memories. All the things we shared, feel like lies or a past that never really existed. We were once such a cute, happy family, but now even that looks like a lie. My family died when our mother died and I knew that would happen, but I didn't want to be right.

The day I have always dreaded is here and I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm asking of you all. I guess I just want to know why? I know I couldn't have stopped it. I know that she hates herself more than I love her. I know that she's miserable and unhappy. I just don't understand why she had to cut me out of her life. I wasn't her toxic exes or our "controlling" mother or our distant and at times aloof father. I wasn't our unknowable older sister. I wasn't her horrible, narcissistic friends. I was kind, loving, and always supportive, pouring my love into a cracked, unhealed vessel that could never receive it.

It didn't matter. None of it ever mattered.

Is there any coming back from this and how do I move on when I feel so defeated and brokenhearted?

[Notwendy]

During our last talk she told me that I and our other sister would never understand her pain because she was the only one our parents "didn't like."

I only come home a few times a year, so to not see him was devastating. It was the cruelest thing she'd ever done because I didn't understand why.



I've read a lot about BPD. I know there's a strong chance that after I stop trying to engage, or if another crisis hits, she'll be back. But I don't know if I can do this anymore. This hurts more than anything she's ever done to me.


I want closure. I want to understand. But for some reason, this time, it feels like I never will.
My family died when our mother died and I knew that would happen, but I didn't want to be right.

I know that she hates herself more than I love her.

I was kind, loving, and always supportive, pouring my love into a cracked, unhealed vessel that could never receive it.

It didn't matter. None of it ever mattered.

Is there any coming back from this and how do I move on when I feel so defeated and brokenhearted?

I have highlighted some of your statements- because even though people's individual stories are different, I think many have felt the same way.

Sadly, one doesn't "outgrow" BPD and if love could fix it- it would have as you, and others here have put our love in these relationships.

"The cruelest thing she could have done". My BPD mother did this too- at the time my father passed away. It was a different situation but it was a shock to me that my mother would act so cruel. On one hand it may have been deliberate but it could have also been her own projections. I think the statement that they "hate themselves more than others love them" is very insightful.

Not sure if you can go back if she needs you. I can't predict what anyone will do but it's a cycle of being painted black and white- so it's likely she will and also will act as if nothing happened. Closure, understanding the full story- I don't think that happens often. Our closure and understanding comes from understanding that this is a mental illness and they don't process in the same way. We want a rational reason and sometimes there isn't a rational one.

If she does choose to engage, you have the choice of how to respond. Forgiveness is for us, so it's best to not hold a grudge. However, we also see what we see and if you reconnect- it will be with the knowlege from this experience. 

[LonelyOnly77]

Thank you for your kind response. It's hard because I truly thought the bad old days were behind us as she was stable for so long. I worry about her and her son because she has no one now, and it was of her own doing. She pushed us all away.

I hope she's OK, but I'm working on just accepting this is how things are and how she is and the only person I can control is myself. If she were ever to reach back out, I'm sure she'd be contrite, but I honestly can't do the rollercoaster anymore. Not when there's a kid in the middle of it. He's too important. I guess I should be glad though that she's not punishing him because she hates us, as he (for now) still spends the weekends with our father and older sister.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I am so sorry for all you are going through!  My situation is similar, though, so painful, as my 24 y/o BPD just cut ties with me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces, like you, I really feel like i was the "lifeline" when she was diagnosed (and years before) she told me, I was not "present" in her life when she was a child & is telling people we know, she does not speak to me, because I am toxic; i am sad daily; i, too, send cards, text (not as often, because she gets hostile) (she told me NEVER to call her, b/c she will get a restraining order; what is even odder is she is hanging around my mother (who she avoided at all costs); i miss my daughter, but, I don't miss the "fear" of saying the wrong thing; doing the wrong thing, etc. (our last conversation was over a sweater I said was cute, she said, oh, so, you want a favor? (no!) and that led into allll the other stuff; the last time I SAW my daughter was 5/24/23; i also worry, IF she decides to "return" other than her father (who she has always treated less than dirt, despite all of the things he has done, also) who will "care", my other daughter is just disgusted, the nieces rarely ask about her, sigh; hang in there & reach out, if you like...your pain is REAL and deserved

[LonelyOnly77]

Thank you for your response. It's unfathomable to me to dump your entire family (but still expect them to help you out — my father and eldest sister still watch her kid on the weekends), and to stop speaking to your only adult relationship that wasn't a dumpster fire. I think it's easier for her to feel justified because she has decided our family is "toxic" and that everyone is a narcissist. (Her exes definitely were, but everyone else? Who knows! She's attracted to narcs! When she meets nice people she labels them as "boring" and never engages.) She's been weaponizing therapy-speak for the last few years since her divorce and it's a lot. Once no one was able to get a hold of her and her son called me concerned, so I begged our eldest sister to go by her house to check on her — she wouldn't for whatever reason, their relationship is a mess. So I had to call the police to do a wellness check and she lashed out at me for overreacting, but I told her you had your phone off, at night, while your son was out-of-town. You have two insane exes who could easily try to harm you. What was I supposed to do? Then she said my reaction was toxic and I was just at a loss.

I think what's hard for me is I've been abandoned and discarded as if my love meant nothing, I don't know why, and I'll never know why. If we had fought or something I'd get it, but we didn't. I think she just decided to write me off because I wouldn't abandon our father and older sister over her feelings. Or maybe she imagined I was smothering her. But that's just a guess. I'll probably never know.

[Older sister]

Similar situation here, with younger sister cutting me off after decades of constant communication and self-sacrificial support. (Eg, talking for hours during suicidal periods and bringing her small children to visit her in the psych ward…) I think she felt abandoned when I became an involved grandmother and pre-emptively painted me black for her own self protection. Since the split, I am sad because I enjoyed her healthier conversations but glad not to be co-dependent in her (ver unhealthy) emotional dramas.  (I often couldn’t really say that I didn’t agree with her or her BPD rage would turn on me.)
In retrospect, our relationship was traumatic to me and my own husband and children. I won’t seek her out again because she devalued me, the one who never gave up on her. That hurt.

[LonelyOnly77]

In retrospect, our relationship was traumatic to me and my own husband and children. I won’t seek her out again because she devalued me, the one who never gave up on her. That hurt.

This is a realization I'm having too. That the relationship has been traumatic for me. It was hard walking on eggshells and never knowing what would set her off and make her upset. It was hard always feeling like everything had to be about her. It was hard always being her emotional tampon who only wanted me when she needed to trauma dump, but was crappy at reciprocation when I needed support. It was disturbing when she decided how much she hated our mother, who despite being a little clingy and weird, was quite loving and supportive. They just argued a lot because their personalities were so similar. And it was hard watching her go from a long-term abusive relationship to ANOTHER messed up one where she actually married the guy despite him being a walking red flag. And she blames us now for these relationships that she chose AGAINST our protests. It's like she forgot that none of us liked her kid's dad, who used to throw her out of HER HOUSE all the time, or the off-brand man who was a garden variety narcissist having nothing going for him, but expecting the world.

While our relationship got healthier after her son was born, all progress was derailed after her divorce from a narcissist who, to my knowledge, still stalks her online. And I think her cutting me off was all triggered by having to be around her OTHER abusive ex, the father of her kid, but since she can't engage with him (he'd love it if she yelled at him! He loves all attention! Good or bad!) she chose to flip out on her family and cut us out.

She thinks she's hurting us. And she is. But we'll be fine at the end of the day. She's the one on an island she created, by herself, with her demons and her kid as her only friends. It's mind-boggling to me why someone would choose self-imposed exile from a dad who's like Eeyore, but faithful and good and an older sister who's like a robot, but is also faithful and good.

And me, the emotional tampon, who supported her through everything.

I dunno. Maybe she finally met the toxic man of her dreams and thinks she doesn't need us anymore? I wouldn't put that past her either.

[Older sister]

Agree with your post, wholeheartedly. When a pwBPD is triggered, their thinking goes sideways and “turtles all the way down.” I have heard absolutely nonsensical fantasy come out of my sister’s mouth when she’s dysregulated. I don’t actually want to know how my sister arrived at my discard. She has done me a favour, really.

[Methuen]

I always knew something wasn't quite right with her (or me for that matter, I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2006), but while I mostly just hurt myself, she would go back and forth between being passive-aggressive (usually with the silent treatment) and aggressive-aggressive to verbally abusive...And she's always alternated between being co-dependent towards me and being cold, cruel or indifferent. Either she wants me in her life or she doesn't and it's always been on her terms.

This IS the pattern of how it goes.  That's the BPD.  It's the typical black/white, push/pull, blaming with verbal vomit etc.

What also comes to mind for me with this pattern is the children's game where you pick a daisy and peel off the petals one at a time: s/he loves me, s/he loves me not, s/he loves me...etc.

When love depends on their mood like it does with a pwBPD, is it really love? And how confusing is this random dishing out of inconsistent emotions to a child, a sibling, a romantic partner? 

I'm 62, and since reflecting over my life from the time I was a wee child, I have concluded there is no way my mom has the capacity to love genuinely.  Genuine love doesn't hurt physically or emotionally like it does in abuse, and if it does, it's some kind of twisted toxic love, not a genuine healthy unconditional love.

So as for going "back and forth" between being "best friends" (all white) vs getting the "silent treatment" (all black), this is one of the many things that has really messed me up.  For most of my life, I genuinely believed my mom loved me (confession: I was somewhat "enmeshed" after being raised by her).  But when the curtain finally parts and we see the "light" behind it, it's like we have to sort through and process decades of memories to figure out what is real and what isn't.  ls the love (and love bombing) real?  Are the words spewed in angry rages "real"?  Is that what they really think and believe of us?  Or is the love real?  Or is the hate real?
 What the heck is real? 

I have trust issues.  I'm speculating most of us do.  Small wonder why.  If we can't trust our own family members, who can we trust?  And figuring that out accurately sometimes isn't easy, and has pot holes and sink holes along the road.

They were too similar in that my mother was also argumentative, controlling, and demanding, but unlike my sister, my mother was often affectionate, and reciprocal and didn't expect much from us other than our love and respect.

Hmm.  Is it possible this is where the pattern came from?  Sometimes difficult (being black), sometimes accessible/safe/providing of care (being white)?  But inconsistency was the theme?

Our now-dead mother went from being a complicated but loving figure to a "bitch" and someone not deserving of being called "Mama" anymore and she "hated her" and hoped she "rots in hell." This was all very hard for me to hear, as I was extremely close to our mother and my sister and mother are so similar.

Forgive me if I mentioned this already earlier in the thread, but this is just another "emotional reaction blow-out" which is also part of the disease. Sometimes I try to separate my mom from the disease with 2 visualizations.  One is her physical picture.  Another is a visualization of a diseased brain.  When they spew those hurtful emotional vomit words, I picture the disease visualization.  When I am having a cup of tea with her and talking about the weather, it's the physical picture of her.

Rapidly, it seemed like she was spiraling into despair. Then her child's father, after refusing to visit his son for years, decided to attend his band recital. She wrote our big sister asking her and our dad to be "polite" to her ex and his family. They were and apparently, that was a huge mistake. She stopped speaking to them and called me full of rage that they were too nice to her former abuser. Every conversation got worse and worse until we decided we wouldn't talk about our family anymore. During our last talk she told me that I and our other sister would never understand her pain because she was the only one our parents "didn't like."

This is the "crazy".  Picture the diseased brain, not the person.

I decided to give her space. I would text occasionally. I sent her flowers on Mother's Day like always. My last text from her was a thank you for the flowers, and then she went radio silent on me. No matter what I wrote or said, she would not respond. Then I went home for Father's Day weekend and she kept her son — the only child in our family — away and wouldn't let him come over to visit while I was in town. I love my nephew as if he were my own child. I very badly want a relationship with him and make a big production about seeing him whenever I come home. I only come home a few times a year, so to not see him was devastating. It was the cruelest thing she'd ever done because I didn't understand why.

Uge.  I'm going to make a suggestion which you can ponder or ignore as you wish. 

When they know we want something during a time when they have "painted us black", the information of knowing what we want gives them power.  When my mom is hurting inside, and she blame me (including when what she is blaming me for is completely irrational and maybe I wasn't even present when it happened eg a fall), she strikes out in revenge, and says and does things to hurt me in retaliation.  Eg.  I'm going to cut you out of my Will, or whatever.

IMHO, from experience and the school of hard knocks, I have learned that the thing to do is say "We can talk or visit when everyone is feeling better.  Right now I have to go".

Your sister probably knows how much you love this nephew.  If she wants to inflict the maximum pain on you because of her own emotional dysregulation (pain), she may "react" by withdrawing the one thing she knows is most important to you.

I asked her why aren't we talking. That I'm confused. That I don't understand what's happening. She ignored me. All the while, up until this past weekend, her son comes over my father's house every Friday and stays with him through Sunday. This was his first time not spending the weekend with my dad in months. That even though she has not been speaking to him or our older sister, she still would let them see him, but when it came to me ... the person who has loved, protected and supported her, I was denied and iced out.

Can you see how much "POWER" this gives her?

Oh my gosh, we've all been around this "power" block - with different examples, but the principle is the same.

NotWendy often talks about the Karpman Triangle.  For some reason your sister has decided you are the "persecutor".  You're not, but that's irrelevant if she feels it to be real to her.  If you are the persecutor, she sees herself as your victim.  But, if she knows you want something, i.e. the nephew, she can switch roles by withdrawing your access to him.  Then she's in a position of power and makes you the victim.  This makes her feel stronger.  Maybe someone else would spin it differently, but I have seen this kind of drama with my mom a lot.  If you read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle elsewhere on this website, there are two ways to respond to this.  One is to step off the triangle and just not even engage in the conversation.  Certainly don't talk any more about how important your nephew is because that's just giving her more power.  Another strategy is to NOT JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).  This just makes it all so much worse with a high-conflict person.  It invalidates them, and escalates the misunderstanding and hostile feelings.  There's info about not JADEing on the website too.

I have reached out a few times since then, but I can feel myself giving up.

It's ok.  Maybe this is stepping off the Karpman Triangle, for now.  It doesn't have to be permanent. When she needs something, she'll come back to you.  They always do.  Then you get to decide if you want to re-engage the relationship.

She used to call me her "best friend" and I knew that never sounded quite right (she has always had a tendency to put me up on pedestals to only knock me off when we disagree), but I wanted to believe it was me and her forever, that we'd always be close from now on.

Being on the pedestal = being painted white.  Getting knocked off = being painted black.

But the bad old days of our teens and 20s are back and worse than ever. Before she stopped talking to me, we would talk a lot about how tired she was of the turmoil in her life. She was tired of being harassed and stalked. Tired of chaos. Tired of everything being so "hard" for her. And I was too. I was tired of being on this journey with her, but I didn't want her to go away. I just wanted her to get better and be happy. Now I'm afraid with me being cut off, that may never happen.

  Does the "Desiderata" poem apply here?  "If you love something, let it go?  If it comes back..."

I've read a lot about BPD. I know there's a strong chance that after I stop trying to engage, or if another crisis hits, she'll be back. But I don't know if I can do this anymore. This hurts more than anything she's ever done to me. Mostly because I'm 46 now, in a good, healthy romantic relationship with a great career, a peaceful home life, and lots of friends. The only thing I don't have is a child. I feel like she resents me. Before we stopped speaking there were signs she was upset that my life was so problem-free, as if I hadn't been broke and struggling for most of my 20s and 30s. As if I hadn't worked hard, through therapy, medication, and making amends, to get my life together after being in and out of mental hospitals, and struggling with suicidal ideation for more than a decade.

  This is fair.  I don't blame you.  It sounds like you have some processing to do to figure out what you want - and whether or not that includes a relationship with her if she comes back.  If you do want a relationship with your nephew, you aren't likely to get it unless you have at least a cordial relationship with her.  This is a big topic to discuss with your T.

 

I feel like... the last 43 years meant nothing. My love meant nothing. My support meant nothing. My time meant nothing. All our memories. All the things we shared, feel like lies or a past that never really existed.

This hit me like a ton of bricks because this is EXACTLY what I am feeling with my mother.  I am 62, and have been caring from her since my earliest memories around the age of 5.  It pretty much feels like a lifetime of time and energy and commitment and love was for naught, because now that she is 88, the situation is the worst it's ever been.

I just don't understand why she had to cut me out of her life. I wasn't her toxic exes or our "controlling" mother or our distant and at times aloof father. I wasn't our unknowable older sister. I wasn't her horrible, narcissistic friends. I was kind, loving, and always supportive, pouring my love into a cracked, unhealed vessel that could never receive it.

I've written my two bit theory about this based on my experience with my mom.  I'm not a psychiatrist.  But from all my reading and experience, I think it could be worthwhile to explore stepping off the triangle, and remember to never ever JADE.

Is there any coming back from this and how do I move on when I feel so defeated and brokenhearted?

YES.  Remind yourself that what you are experiencing is a FEELING, and this too shall pass.  Truly. Try to focus on positive things in your life you mentioned - career, romantic partner etc. 

Don't let her rent too much space in your head.  Get on with your own life, and take back what you can control, and let go of what you can't control.
 

[LonelyOnly77]

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts. Thankfully my nephew has his own phone, so I can communicate with him with minimal involvement from my sister for the time being. And I'm trying to learn how to let go. I'm still quite hurt, but I understand that this is not my fault and was always inevitable if she was unwilling to do the work. All I can do is hope that as my nephew gets older, he will seek me out. Our family is very small and his father's family is dysfunctional, so all he really has as a stabilizing force are my father, older sister, and me. Other than keeping him from us on Father's Day, she has continued to let the boy spend time with my father and older sister on the weekend. She's still not speaking to anyone, but at least that remains the same.

[Notwendy]

When love depends on their mood like it does with a pwBPD, is it really love? And how confusing is this random dishing out of inconsistent emotions to a child, a sibling, a romantic partner? 


So as for going "back and forth" between being "best friends" (all white) vs getting the "silent treatment" (all black), this is one of the many things that has really messed me up.  For most of my life, I genuinely believed my mom loved me

I have trust issues.  I'm speculating most of us do. 

Your sister probably knows how much you love this nephew.  If she wants to inflict the maximum pain on you because of her own emotional dysregulation (pain), she may "react" by withdrawing the one thing she knows is most important to you.

Can you see how much "POWER" this gives her?


Don't let her rent too much space in your head.  Get on with your own life, and take back what you can control, and let go of what you can't control.
 

I can relate to these feelings about my father too. I don't feel bonded to my mother as a mother but I was attached to my father. I believed he loved me. I had to beleive it. As a child, we want our parents to love us. I couldn't believe my mother does- but I had to believe my father did.

It's BPD mother who did the going back and forth with the black and white thinking- and my father was enmeshed with her so he followed it. On the Karpman triangle- she's in victim role, he was her rescuer. While he wasn't the one saying the mean things like she was- he would do what she asked him to do and expected us to tolerate her behavior. This was our normal growing up and I didn't think much about it until I became a parent and realized how inappropriate my mother's behavior was. I would not ever allow anyone to treat my children like she treated us. So why did my father allow it?

I know how hard it must have been to be married to my mother- and so I don't feel critical of him- but it was confusing, so I have similar feelings about the relationship- was it real or did I just want to believe he loved me so I did? I think he did love me but he also was enmeshed with my mother and it was a difficult situation for him.

Just like your sister knows you love your nephew, and that is the one thing she will use to be hurtful- BPD mother also does this. If she knows I want something or care about something- that is what she goes for. If it was an object- she'd destroy it or confiscate it or keep it and not let me have it. She enlisted people I care about to "her side".

I am glad you are able to be in contact with your nephew. My father's family made a difference for us kids and we are still close to them. Your nephew will grow up and leave home and you can seek him out and have your own relationship with him. I have been close to my father's siblings and their spouses. They were aware of the situation with my parents and while they weren't able to intervene then, as an adult, we could have our own relationship.

[LonelyOnly77]

Thank you again to everyone who has replied.

I'm having a tough day today. Before my sister stopped speaking to me, we used to communicate in some form almost every day. The feeling is very similar to when our mother got diagnosed with dementia and eventually forgot us but was still alive. It's like she's gone, but she's still alive, just not speaking to me.

I realize she took up so much of my time and energy but I never complained because she is my sister, and I felt guilty that she had it so hard in our family while my childhood was a bit different. She has this tendency to think "different" means "better," but it was just different. Our parents had really high expectations of me, as they did all of us, but for whatever reason, I thrived despite the pressure and she crumbled underneath the weight of it.

I was talking to my therapist about it this week and she said it's likely that she's resented me for years for thriving in the same environment she struggled within. The therapist thinks me entering a healthy, happy relationship was the last straw for my sister, as she's never had a relationship that wasn't toxic, but since she's not self-aware enough to admit this is just about herself and has nothing to do with me, she's chosen to cut me out. Even our father, who's been telling me for years that my sister is competitive with me, flat-out told me this weekend that she's just envious, and can't appreciate her own achievements because she's so blinded by what I have... and what she doesn't. It's just weird to me because I was so happy when she hit milestones like buying her home or getting three degrees. (I rent and am still rocking my undergrad until the wheels fall off this thing.) I even paid for gifts and a wedding dinner when she married the lowly narcissist. But I'm also happy with who I am and love myself and she's never loved herself or been happy with anything, except maybe her son. And I just have to get that as long as she hates herself, how can she love anything, including me?

[Gorgagirl]

It's so bizarre, all these descriptions of BPD sisters are practically identical. (Her inability to feel loved by others in her family, her envy, her inability to recognize her own achievements, etc.) You could be talking literally about my sister.  I don't know much about your situation, but if she has BPD most likely she's never going to get better, she will never believe you want the best for her, she will always blame you for anything that she feels is going wrong in her life. I  cut off all communication with my sister 2 years ago and am at peace with that decision. We are both in our 80s--it took me that long to face reality!

[Older sister]

Sister with BPD, that I’m recently estranged from, stole most family photos from family of origin home, saying she was the photographer (not possible—her and my infancy photos are included). She used these to create beautiful albums on Facebook which she shared publicly on FB for years. Then when she devalued me, she blocked me and my other siblings. Photos and memories stolen again. So I just created a new FB account and saved everything.
She also publicly posted that a beloved recently deceased great aunt was the only one who ever believed in her. Passive aggressive digs to the rest of us. Ugh.

[Gorgagirl]

I'm an older sister too and I've been there. The anger and resentment in your post is clear. I was in that frame of mind for years and years, ruminating over all the unfair and hurtful things my sister had done and said and was continuing to do and say.

Eventually something will happen or someone will say something wise to you when you're receptive, and you will see a path to get her out of your head and live your own life. Liberation only comes when you let go of your anger, accept that she is hopelessly impaired, that there's nothing you can do to change that. When that came for me, I was able to cut off communications with my sister without guilt or anger. It was a long process.

[Older sister]

Thank you for the wise and true words. I agree that I am in that state, after having been at relative peace for a while. I am also angry at myself for having continued to support her when I clearly saw the horrible things she did to others on social media. I will get over it, but it’s been the bulk of my adult life that she has occupied, colonized, infected…and I let her. Forgiveness (of myself) and acceptance (of the wreckage caused by family wBPD) is not one-and-done, happening in stages. This is part of my healing, and I am grateful to be part of the forum.

[LonelyOnly77]

It is telling (and fascinating) the similarities in all the stories. I thought, for years, I was alone in this and had no words for what my sister's issues were. Like, all of us (I have one other sister) are a little kooky, but this was just an extreme response — cutting us all out — when there was no physical, verbal, or sexual abuse in our family. Our parents were just strict and traumatized from their own issues (both grew up in poverty and fought to get out of it. My mother was completely changed by the poverty she endured to the point she'd fight you over 10 dollars and my father, his mom died when he was 18 while his father was physically abusive, so it made him a stoic who was emotionally withholding for most of our lives). Like, that's not great, but they also weren't worse than most other parents of their particular generation. But if you hear my sister talk, they were the worst parents ever. And her list of resentments is long, but sound wild when you say them out loud. For example, she was full of rage because our father is leaving us with an inheritance, and he decided to leave her the house since it's worth the same as his stock holdings and his savings. (Oldest sister gets the holdings. I'm getting the savings. And there was a logic behind it, I don't live where my family lives anymore and always had money troubles. Oldest sister is an account who could easily manage the stocks and bonds. Baby sister has a kid who loves the house, hence ... house.) Most people's parents don't leave them with anything and I'd honestly rather have my father forever than this money, but if you listen to my sister this is an insult and the worst thing ever and is evidence she was not loved.

I wouldn't give someone I didn't love anything. And yet!

The house is worth over $300k. Like, c'mon. I feel like if she said this to anyone else, they'd just say "can I have the house?" She's very similar to our mother in that way, who would complain constantly about everything, even good things, as that was what her mother did before her. Once our mom lost it over my dad buying her a brand new Lincoln Towncar because it didn't have a tape deck. She complained all the time until she complained to her workout buddies who said "I'll take the car if you don't want it" and she never complained about it again. It's ridiculous. My sisters and I all hated how much our mother complained and played victim, and yet, that's exactly what my youngest sister is doing now.

Anyway. Today is a tough day. I miss her even though she's awful. We were very close and it's been hard accepting that she won't speak to me. I know it'll work out for the best in the end, as I'm off the rollercoaster, but I don't think she's a bad person, just really sick and misguided. She only has herself to listen to now (she has no friends or romantic partner, just her kid) and she hates herself, so I can only imagine what terrible things she's telling herself now without me to tell her anything different.

[Gorgagirl]

Oh,yes, the inheritance!!! My father made two special bequests  in his will. He died before our mother died. So on his death, while everything really passed to my mother, he left a Steinway Grand piano to my sister, and to me, a car, but only if my mother pre-deceased him. So actually, I got nothing at that time. At the reading of the will, sister got up and made a dramatic speech, with tears, saying father was coming back from the grave to hurt her, and screamed "I get a piano, and SHE gets a CAR?!!!" The lawyer stood up and said, "M, SIT Down! No one has gotten anything except you". Then she said she refused the inheritance and insisted the will be changed. (She didn't seem to get that dead people cannot change their will). 10 years later my mother died and everything left was split evenly between us. I was the executor. She tried to sue me for "embezzling" money from my mother while she was alive (I was the caretaker and sister lived on the other coast and did nothing). She is still telling everyone I stole her childrens' inheritance. You can probably read this identical story a hundred times on this site.

[LonelyOnly77]

At the reading of the will, sister got up and made a dramatic speech, with tears, saying father was coming back from the grave to hurt her, and screamed "I get a piano, and SHE gets a CAR?!!!" The lawyer stood up and said, "M, SIT Down! No one has gotten anything except you". Then she said she refused the inheritance and insisted the will be changed. (She didn't seem to get that dead people cannot change their will).

It's that level of entitlement that befuddled me. A Steinway is a great piano (I grew up playing the piano and ours was no Steinway), while cars depreciate the minute they're off the lot. It's the perceived slights that are so ridiculous. There are plenty of real slights to complain about, but to constantly act like you got the short end of the stick when your inheritance is worth the same as everyone else's is weird. I always tried to respect her worldview and understand it and have empathy, but now I realize that was a fool's errand. My therapist says for her it was "a death of a thousand cuts" kind of trauma instead of a single, critical violation. I don't discount that our parents treated her like an afterthought at times, that they were "busy" and our mom was sick a lot so she had to fend for herself more than myself or our older sister, but to act like this was paramount to being the child of severe abuse was beyond. I agree that we all suffered from childhood emotional neglect and dealt with it in different ways, but this is just too much to act like we are "toxic" when toxic has been the men she chose to have in her life, not us.

[HappyChappy]

I have a little sister. We have always been close ... exceptionally close since I was about 12-13 ..... with her toxic ex after having a child with him, she has relied on me for emotional support and called me her "best friend." .... (or me for that matter, I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2006) ...  passive-aggressive

If someone struggles with difficult emotions, they may have Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). This is common to many different undiagnosed conditions, and  people that show little emotion at all can suffer from it.

E.g. untreated/undiagnosed adhd can lead to developing bipolar, adhd is genetic and RSD is common with those that are undiagnosed for too long. Given you've admitted to a bipolar diagnosis - you're probably more aware (and understanding) than most. I mention this as adhd is the most treatable "neurodiverse" condition there is, including medication. So that may be a "quick win" in your dynamic. But only specialist physiatrists can diagnose and as I'm sure you're aware, most folk are very ignorant about bipolar and adhd. I have friends with adhd and bipolar, and even they seem ignorant to the fact there's no such thing as "neurotypical", just people that like to insist they're "normal" and other people have "mental issues". But do your own research and make sure it's from credible sources (i.e. medical journals). 

[HappyChappy]

PS "neurodiversity" also means some people struggle to recognise or understand emotion (e.g. people on "the spectrum") they tend to be missdiagnosed as NPD. I know an excellent surgeon who's been diagnosed with NPD, she keeps calling me to ask why her staff are crying  So she knows she doesn't understand (or care) about feelings. She doesn't manage people and lives alone. So self awarness is the key.

[BPDstinks]

Hello, everyone!  I just happened upon this thread & whomever posted:  being on the pedestal=white, has solved life's mysteries for me!  I will NEVER understand "this", however, knowing I don't "imagine" it, is monumental (thank you!)

I, too, had a weird event, which makes me sad (however, also makes me MAD (which, I am finding is better than sad (?); 7/4/24, my mother told me my pwBPD (daughter) (estranged, through her request) went to my sister's for the holiday (talk about WEIRD....my sister does not talk to OUR entire family due to major Covid disagreements (you can't make this up!) pwBPD said, "she would rather eat dirt than ever associate with her again) so...I am quite sure they had much to say about me (pwBPD told my sister, I was toxic (that was a very bad day); I am NOT a quitter by nature, however, am just so DISAPPOINTED (I have not been invited to ANY family function since 2020 (the first couple of holidays were soo sad, pwBPD would coordinate little Holiday dinners for her Dad, her sister & I (odd to think 2020 was OUR little family's happiest times)

[LonelyOnly77]

If someone struggles with difficult emotions, they may have Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). This is common to many different undiagnosed conditions, and  people that show little emotion at all can suffer from it.

E.g. untreated/undiagnosed adhd can lead to developing bipolar, adhd is genetic and RSD is common with those that are undiagnosed for too long. Given you've admitted to a bipolar diagnosis - you're probably more aware (and understanding) than most. I mention this as adhd is the most treatable "neurodiverse" condition there is, including medication. So that may be a "quick win" in your dynamic. But only specialist physiatrists can diagnose and as I'm sure you're aware, most folk are very ignorant about bipolar and adhd. I have friends with adhd and bipolar, and even they seem ignorant to the fact there's no such thing as "neurotypical", just people that like to insist they're "normal" and other people have "mental issues". But do your own research and make sure it's from credible sources (i.e. medical journals). 

Thanks for the info on RSD. My sister could be afflicted by it, and very well could have suffered from ADHD as a child/teen. She had a harder time in school than myself and our older sister but was still a good student.

I think what was frustrating for me was how suddenly she decided to cut everyone off after she was triggered by having to be around her abusive ex. She's always been a little hot-headed and emotional, but cutting everyone off seemed extreme when the main person she felt was "horrible" to her (our mother) has been dead since 2018. It just feels like she wanted very badly to hurt all of us because she can't hurt her ex and make him feel the pain she feels, but she can hurt us for whatever perceived or real shortcomings we have. Because we do love her and want her in our lives. But I feel like she's trapped herself in a box because she has no romantic interests and no friends, not even co-workers because she works remotely. She's completely isolated herself.

For most of our lives, I used to say that our eldest sister had somewhat isolated herself because she'd been hurt so much by outsiders that it was easier to decide "people are the problem" and just live a life where our dad and her sisters are the only people really in her life (and we're barely in her life. She's mostly just close to our dad and our nephew.) My youngest sister always would say that sounded crazy, but it seems she's come to the exact same conclusion. (Both my sisters are different sides of the same coin. One is just angry and the other is neutral all the time. Even when she shouldn't be.) If you're never around anyone, I guess no one can hurt you. But you also spend your life alone with no one to rely on, talk to, love, or befriend. It just seems like an awful life to choose, IMHO. We're all in our 40s and 50s now. We're only going to get older. She's only going to get older, and a day will come when she won't be able to be as self-sufficient. I hope she's "figured it out" by then, but who knows? Something seems really broken this time and I feel like she's chosen to just dig herself into this hole and stay in it, rather than ask for help.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks for the info on RSD ....

I think what was frustrating for me was how suddenly she decided to cut everyone off after she was triggered by having to be around her abusive ex....

As you'll read on this forum, people that are sensitive to criticism  (e.g. RSD) or are traumatized and stressed will go "No contact" with others as a defence mechanisms. It's not personal, it just their way of coping when "overwhelmed"  E.g. It's common for people "on the spectrum" to cut people out of their lives, for no apparent reason, never to return. Also people with adhd get "hot headed" and overwhelmed. My sister has ADHD (and is high IQ) so cut herself off from everyone but me.

Getting a diagnosis, is the first step to enlightenment. If someone has a personality disorder (or is undiagnosed high functioning ASD) then it's less likely. If someone has always had privilege due to prejudice, also less likely as people need a reason to learn new things. If bully using prejudice and miss information gets people what they want, they’re more likely to buy into it. If a BPD mom rules the roots - why would she change ?
 
People only tend to learn, what they need to, hence why scapegoats tend to be the first to realise the BPD games family members play. As selfish people believe whatever gets them what they want. E.g. BLM needed to use cameras to prove Police prejudice – even then the Police tried to close ranks and bully those that reported it. Hence why they operate in cells (harder to bully everyone if they can't isolate the "trouble makers").

Time will tell in your case – but peace be with you and well done for being self aware and coming on this forum to learn. Btw people that buy into prejudice (e.g. covid deniers) often lack self awareness and kindness, tend to buy into it if it servers their personal needs – so that should be a "red flag". Always seek advice from the experts, ignore Google. So don't take my word for it - do your own research. 

[HappyChappy]

PS isolating is also a red flag - it make someone easy to influence (and groom on the internet) so try and encourage anyone you know, not to isolate and take advice from kind people, with nothing to gain from their advice. 

[HappyChappy]

PS by "nothing to gain" you do need to pay some experts - they need to live (unless they're part of a charity like BPDfamily). Free advice from friends telling you what you want to hear - is just designed to make you feel better. The truth hurts - you need to pay professionals to deliver that expertly. Sorry for being blunt.