>First post! 22yrs with BPD husband

[Retireinpeace]

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” recommended this site.  I’m looking for a community of spouses that have been able to manage the ongoing waves of rage /silent treatment / accusations that inevitably pop up just when you are relaxed into a stretch of normal/calm. 
I’m 66, husband 74.  Both retired at age 65.  Much more eggshell walking with the retirement togetherness! 
Among neighbors (in both this neighborhood and the one we left 3 years ago) BPD husband is adored and respected.  He helps invalids.  He started an AED program.  He mows lawns for people, fixes things for them.  He’s chatty and personable.  I cannot confide in my local friends.  I am hoping THIS online community can help me feel less alone. 
My sisters and (elderly) parents are nearby, and I have an adult daughter 3 hrs away.  All are aware of the “anger issues”.    I have “go-bags” and hidden bank accounts “just in case” the verbal tirades escalate in future.  I don’t feel unsafe so much as I feel alone and struggling to put on a happy face in the neighborhood (I walk a lot). 
Are you my tribe? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Retireinpeace

Welcome! I'm new here and only just finding my feet, but there are similarities between your situation and mine. My BPD husband is 67 and I am 63, we are both retired and, like with your husband, the way he presents to the world is charming, amenable, keen to help anyone out, very easy to get on with. Behind closed doors, or in the car with me, it's another matter.

I'm so glad that your sisters, parents and daughter are all aware of your situation. I made the mistake of hiding things from my family and there have been devastating consequences for me personally. I'm now in the process of opening up to them, but it's hard to do so without feeling disloyal to my husband.

The 'Walking on Eggshells' book really spoke to me, because the first thing it said was that it was NOT disloyal to be reading it.

One thing you can be sure of - there is absolutely no need to put a happy face on here!

Hope you find the forum useful and supportive.

[Retireinpeace]

Thank you, LittleRedBarn, for your positive response! 
It is rough to let close family and friends know about your situation with BPD spouse.  I personally don’t want to hear “Why do you stay in this marriage?” from girlfriends when I want to vent, so I rarely tell them of the situation.  Thankfully, my parents and siblings are empathetic, and can clearly see the kind, helpful in-law that presents his best face to them on most occasions.  They have also witnessed meltdowns. 

[mugsydublin]

Stop Walking on Eggshells may have saved my life 25 years ago when I was in my first marriage and was so confused and demoralized by the constant abuse from my wife. And I grew up walking on eggshells with my BPD mother. So it was deeply ingrained in me to try to figure out what the irrational angry person wanted and doing anything possible to keep from triggering them.

The book was so useful in terms of validating my right to think and feel and say what is authentic to me. I am in a different place now where I am much more confident about my rights and my identity and am looking at how to caretake my irrational partner.

I'm thinking that we need to tailor how we approach BPD based on where WE are emotionally and how supported we are outside of the relationship and the circumstances of the relationship. Should we be careful about the words we choose with our partners or not? Should we stay or go? I think it comes down to whether or not we are safe and what our expectations are.

My expectations from my wife are so low at this point. I don't expect her to be loving. I don't expect her to be rational. I don't expect her to understand my needs. My approach at the moment is to manage the relationship with love. Because I want to be a loving person. That is an important value to me. But also to manage my own life with love. Because I do love myself and I deserve happiness and fulfillment. Most of my fulfillment occurs outside of my relationship, but I now expect a lot less from the relationship.

The question is what to do if my ability to love her and my ability to love myself are in such conflict that she demand that I abandon love for myself. At that point, I think that the choice has to be to abandon her.

I see conflicting advice. Don't be a caretaker versus how to manage a relationship as the healthy partner. Stop walking on eggshells versus control your words (again, with the presumption that you are the healthy partner). I think that it comes down to mindfulness and always self-respect (coming from you--not your partner).

All of this said, I shudder at the thought of retirement. My advice would be to find space for yourself so that you are not constantly under the stress of living with a BPD. Volunteer? Work out?

My father went on long bike rides every day to connect with himself and get a break from my BPD mother.

Random thoughts. I'm no expert, but I have plenty of experience.

[mugsydublin]

Oh, and good luck. Stay safe. Connect with other people. You deserve love and respect.

[mugsydublin]

Sorry for all of the replies.

I am in the process of setting up a self-storage unit for most of the things that matter to me, since my wife has a habit of throwing away the things that matter most to me. I have some money in a separate account for an emergency. I also have a bag of my work essentials so that if I need to suddenly leave, I can keep continuity with my job.

My opinion is that we need to think strategically for ourselves and defy standard relationship advice about sharing everything with your partner. I need to support my partner, but I need to also support myself. So I need a contingency plan.