Validation questions

[captain5024]

1.  How can I validate before the problem is understood?   For example, all disassociations are associated with delusions of abandonment, but before I know exactly what the current psychological issue is, how can I validate feelings if she is in denial/passive aggressive?

2.  Where does validation stop and caretaking begin?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LittleRedBarn]

I recently attended a DBT Family Skills training course, where they taught that true validation consists of 8 steps. It looks daunting, but I have found it really useful when my BPD husband becomes dysregulated. Sometimes, if I need to take a short time-out in the middle of an explosion, I go back to this worksheet and write down the answers before going back to talk to him again.

I've also found it useful in validating myself, when I'm upset!


VALIDATION X 8 WORKSHEET

Level One - Mindfully Listening
Can I listen with empathy, really paying attention and not letting my own thoughts, judgements and feelings get in the way?
"I am willing to........"

Level Two - Accurate Reflecting and Acknowledging
Say back the essence of what has been expressed. Describe what you observe. Refrain from interpretations, as these come from your perspective and mean you are trying to make a point. Acknowledging does NOT depend on agreement. This allows you to express an understanding of the other person's feelings and experience without judgement.
State your non-judgemental observation of what was said to you.

Level Three - Articulate unverbalized emotions, thoughts or behavior
Ask clarifying questions from a place of genuine curiosity and caring. Focus your questions on confirming what the other person appears to be thinking, feeling, wanting.
Ask a clarifying question from a place of curiosity or caring

Level Four - Place problem behavior in a larger context of the past learning and biological problems
Consider the impact of the person's past experiences and learning, and how biological factors have led to problem behaviors developing. Balance the problem behavior with these factors. Do not ignore or minimize the behavior, but show understanding.
Describe how you understand the context of this problem

Level Five - Normalizing and attending to the present context
"Of course this behavior makes sense, is understandable..." Consider the present situation or intended goal of this behavior. Remember that all behavior has a purpose - there is a reason why your loved one is behaving this way. It makes sense to them. Show them that it makes sense to you too.
This makes sense to me, considering..."

Level Six - Radical Genuineness - Expressing Equality and Respect
The other person is not seen or related to as a fragile or incapable person. Allow his/her experience without attempting or forcing change.
"I am remembering to demonstrate my respect by......................"

Level Seven - Matching Vulnerability
Self-disclose to reassure, validate and increase safety. This is when we openly express some of our own painful, vulnerable or sensitive experience that may parallel what our partner is coping with.
"I also feel ............. at times."

Level Eight - Respond in Action
Offer assistance, act with kindness, offer a hug, reach out to take a hand.
"May I give you a hug?"

[Jabiru]

1. If she's in denial, maybe it's not time yet to talk about it nor validate her feelings about it. You could hint at it to find out, but if she's not ready then she's not ready. No need to be a caretaker for her emotions. You can't be responsible for reading someone's mind.

2. Probably when you care more about the person than yourself. Another line to watch out for is supporting vs enabling, see here.

I saw from your post history that you know about Dr. Fjelstad. Have you read her book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? I think it does a good job describing lots of these. Reading it helped me a lot.