Do Other People Really Get It?

[zachira]

I always wonder how many people get who my disordered family members really are/were. I do know that some mothers got it that my mother with BPD was not a good mother because I noticed the distressed looks on some mothers' faces when my mother was mistreating me.

Today I was reading the obituary and condolences for a woman who I know was horrible to her stepchildren. The content of the obituary was factual with no real indication of what kind of woman she really was in person. It seemed clear from the condolences that some people only knew this woman superficially and others who did know her were reframing from saying that they really got it that she was not a nice person. One condolence mentioned spending a lot of time playing with her daughter as child while no mention of how she experienced the mother.

When my mother with BPD died, I experienced her Celebration of Life as a lot of people giving facts about her life and making superficial comments about her. It seems we spend a lot of time feeling we are alone and nobody gets how we are experiencing being mistreated by the disordered people in our lives.

Some people do seem to get it if they have enough contact with the disordered person. Most people never get it because the relationships are superficial with the disordered person. Disordered people deliberately keep relationships superficial and transactional so nobody sees who they are beneath the superficial presentation. When we are in a close relationship with a disordered person And try to make the relationship reciprocal and more authentic, that is when we get push back and abused for exposing the disordered person underneath the mask.

[Tangled mangled]

Zachary,

My mother is the superficially kind Aunt and is known as Aunt  insert ‘really kind adjective here ‘.

She will pay  for my cousins school supplies before her children’s. She wasn’t a monster at all in public- as a teacher, she will offer kindness to her pupils and was well loved.

She exploited my need for her affection by taking in a female cousin who was a similar age to me but younger. She used this cousin to rub it in my face , I was less than 7 years old, she will take my cousin to her place of work, telling everyone how my cousin looked like her.

My mother went to great lengths to show the world that she didn’t love me her daughter but I was supposed to love her unconditionally and enable her abuse.

Well today that cousin and her sister did not make much out of life, and from all accounts could be low functioning bpd- teenage pregnancy, multiple partners. So yea she was right.


It adds to trauma that no body gets us when we complain about the abuse our mothers metted out so casually . My mum was cruel and it still hurts. Just this weekend my wounds came to the surface and I let it out buy telling off my mum’s flying monkeys in an email. I reminded one in particular that she was as toxic as my mum. I still get bouts of wanting to revenge on my parents so badly.

I have started writing a book and I hope one day to publish it if not for anything but to reveal to relatives the trauma that actually took place.
I get so mad at the  way relatives turn a blind eye to the abuse and make you , the  actual victim, a perpetrator.
It’s crazy and it hurts.

I wonder what folks do when the wounds come to the surface?

[Tangled mangled]

* Zachira*

[zachira]

Tangled mangled,
So much of what you describe seems to be so typical of how disordered mothers treat their children: showing off with children other then their own how great they are to other children while abusing their own children in private. One of my relatives was adored by the children and parents in the school system where she worked while ruthlessly abusing her own son. My own mother with BPD was adored by other children and disliked by most of her own children.

The flying monkeys are all part of a narcissistic family system in which people are expected to play their assigned roles. When you are a chosen scapegoat and and nearly the whole family accuses you of being the problem, the perpetrator, the pain and sorrow are difficult to put into words. I do hope you will write your book. The betrayals of the flying monkeys are often more painful than that of the direct abusers. 

Giving people special treatment that only enables their bad behaviors, seems to make these people unable to face their challenges in life. It sounds like this may be why your cousin and sister have not made much out of life. My rule is I validate good behaviors and I do not put anybody on a pedestal.

[zachira]

her sister

[Notwendy]

In my family- no- not until recently and only a few people.

My BPD mother has a completely different "public persona" and seeing it feels eerie because she's a different person when she is in public. She's good at this. I think she'd have been a great actress.

My immediate family- we "normalized" her. It was an expectation.  My father would praise her in public. We knew we weren't allowed to say anything about what went on at home.

What changed recently is her need for caretakers. She can't keep this persona on all the time. Some of her family members ( who were at one time flying monkeys)  have recently caught on to her as well due to spending more time with her alone. If someone knows her superficially- no they have no idea. These family members felt something was odd but didn't know what. They thought she was eccentric. They also thought my parents were snubbing them because they didn't invite them over. We rarely had people over because we couldn't predict what "mood" my mother would be in and we didn't want them to see.

I've seen a few obituaries that are more open about the disordered person, but I think in general, they are more of a formal tribute to the person and people don't share such details in them. Because other people may not be aware of the person's behavior among their own family, including this kind of info would probably be perceived as disrespectful.

[CC43]

Zachira,

You wrote:

Today I was reading the obituary and condolences for a woman who I know was horrible to her stepchildren. The content of the obituary was factual with no real indication of what kind of woman she really was in person. It seemed clear from the condolences that some people only knew this woman superficially and others who did know her were reframing from saying that they really got it that she was not a nice person. One condolence mentioned spending a lot of time playing with her daughter as child while no mention of how she experienced the mother.

I think you nailed it there.  Obituaries aren't really the place to air grievances; they are supposed to inform and provide some sympathy to the survivors.  I suspect that the absence of statements about her loving nature says it all.  People were looking to find the silver lining, and mentioning her daughter was probably one way to do that.  Indeed, maybe some people knew her only superficially.  But I bet her immediate family knew full well what kind of person she truly was.  They just don't need to re-live it in print.

Do other people "get" how toxic a disordered person can be?  I doubt it, because some of the behaviors seem truly bizarre and harmful, and they can last an entire lifetime!  Maybe you need to mourn the loss of a loving relationship that never was.  But you survived, and though it can hurt sometimes, you are probably a very strong person despite it all.  You probably can detect abuse from a mile away and steer clear.  You are probably keenly aware of your emotions and have learned effective tactics to self-soothe, re-center yourself and set clear boundaries.  And you are probably skilled at dealing with the other disordered people you come across.  I have a handful of BPD and NPD people in my life, and after learning to deal with them, I feel I can identify and handle tricky social situations better than before.  Some of the skills mentioned on this site--JADE, grey rock, empathetic listening, validation, effective boundaries--work well in many situations, in the personal and professional spheres.

I'd add that the people on this site really do "get" it.  Sometimes I come here to help me process some events (like several suicide attempts by my stepdaughters), because if I share details with others, I could seem like I was the one who is depressing, crazy, complaining or unhinged.  I confess I have confided with some close friends, and they really do "get" it, as they also experience disordered people in their lives.  In fact, I think it is much more common than I once realized.

[zachira]

I feel that I see through what is written in the obituaries because of how I have been abused for most of my life by many family members, how I have reenacted my traumas by getting involved in relationships with people who are similar to my disordered family members And it is a reflection of the many years of therapy and hard work I continue to do to know myself and others on deeper more personal levels. I want to be seen and I want others to be seen for who they truly are. There is the occasional obituary that warms my heart when the deceased person is described as loving, kind, generous and the facts presented back this up. A man who I knew, was a loving father, generous in his contributions to the community, had written in his obituary that he did not want a Celebration of Life that instead he wanted people to do something for the community. I think many families carefully cultivate a public image and what is written in the obituaries of their family members is part of this. I am thinking of writing my own obituary and making a request similar to the man who wanted people to do something for the community instead of going to a Celebration of Life. Listing my achievements like graduating from college, does not reflect who I am and what I want others to learn from my life.