BPD mother has stopped her nurses from communicating with me.

[Notwendy]

I haven't received any updates from the nurses at the assisted living or Hospice. Meanwhile, BPD mother's behaviors have gotten worse. She will call me or other people over and over and over until someone picks up the phone. One of the nurse coordinators called me to ask if I knew anything about this and I told her no- I don't get updates anymore from the Hospice nurses or the staff at assisted living. She called about this and the response she got was that my mother told them to not call me.

While I do have power of attorney (for medical too), she is self directed and so I don't act on her behalf unless she is unable to. However, I have been in the communication loop- but not for several weeks and now I know why.

This is typical thing for her. I am not surprised. She's done this many times before and not only with her caretakers but with other family members- told them to not speak to me.  It's how she maintains control- she controls the narrative- so I only know what she tells me- which may or may not be true. Talking to the nurses helps me to know what is really going on with her. It also helps her too. I know her medical history and have been able to provide information to them to help with her care and feedback too.

I won't share that I know this- because she'll just dismiss the nurse that told me and that is my best source of information and also because this nurse is very good and helpful to her. No point in confronting her about it either- I'll just get some story from her. Best to not have any reaction with her.

[Tangled mangled]

NW,
I’m a bit naive in asking this but how does it affect you if you don’t receive updates from the assisted living facility about your mum? Are there any costs, consequences or other direct impacts on your wellbeing?

I can see that she’s exploited your concern for her wellbeing to no end. Controlling the narrative is how they operate but at this point she’s only doing it to herself I can imagine.
 
Maybe a no news is good news approach will be useful here as your mum’s behaviour can only hurt if it triggers an emotional response within you.

[Notwendy]

NW,
I’m a bit naive in asking this but how does it affect you if you don’t receive updates from the assisted living facility about your mum? Are there any costs, consequences or other direct impacts on your wellbeing?

I can see that she’s exploited your concern for her wellbeing to no end. Controlling the narrative is how they operate but at this point she’s only doing it to herself I can imagine.
 
Maybe a no news is good news approach will be useful here as your mum’s behaviour can only hurt if it triggers an emotional response within you.

Good question. At this point, no- she's responsible for her decisions. It's just the snafu that she's elderly, is mostly lucid, but has had episodes of confusion and so has named me as her next of kin and medical power of attorney and so they have updated me at times not just for her but for their own protection as they know she's unstable mentally and so feel the need to update me.

She is still legally competent to make her own decisions and yet, people who work with her think some of her decisions are unwise. "Legally competent to make her own bad decisions" so they have kept me informed.

That she's done this doesn't surprise me. During the time my father was ill and with his passing, it caused a lot of confusion and even ruined family relationships. I think part of my wanting to be updated was out of a sense of obligation. Her only next of kin are her children and I am the one who lives closest to her. I am also the nearest family member in the best position to make decisions in her best interest if needed. She knows that and this is why she made me POA or rather her dispempowered POA.

You are correct in that this only hurts her. I don't feel an emotional response in terms of hurt. I'm actually disgusted at her behavior. It's got to be some twisted need of hers to do that. If she doesn't want her nurses to speak to me - then I am OK with that.

[Notwendy]

And just like that *poof* it didn't happen. *She didn't do anything*. When the nurse coordinator asked her about it "of course they can update my daughter" was the reply.

I don't feel hurt. I feel anger but also disgust. You try to help her with good intent and she does this. There's no point in getting angry at her. She just dissociates and feels like a victim. That just plays into her game.

If the nurses update me- fine. If they don't- well that is OK too. However, I am not going to get too involved in this. She can make her own decisions.

[Methuen]

Are you distressed by her doing this NW, or relieved for the reprieve, or feeling something else?

[Methuen]

You just answered my query with your last post.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You feel anger and disgust about how your mother is not allowing the nurses to communicate with you. I had a similar experience with my mother with BPD. I was told by my neighbor, a well respected orthopedist, that my mother was receiving inadequate car for her damaged leg. She went home from the hospital way too early and refused to elevate the leg. Eventually a doctor put her in a nursing home for two weeks so she would get regular reminders to elevate her leg, so the leg would not get infected and possibly have to be amputated. I tried to help with this situation and my mother was furious, told the medical staff not to speak to me. Underneath the anger, I found myself feeling sad and grieving the loss of the mother I never had. I was just trying to show her that I cared. Do you feel sad? I interpret your not feeling hurt, as you have accepted that your mother is the way she is. 

[Notwendy]

I'm not grieving the loss of a mother I wished I had. I'm mostly angry and disgusted.

A nurse did update me. BPD mother changed her tune when confronted by a nurse coordinator. It's to her advantage to contact me. Even though she's tried to be secretive, I do know her medical history and it's more accurate to speak to me than to her as she says whatever she wants to. The nurse wanted to look into increasing one of her medicines. She's taken that medicine before and it's helped her so I was able to let the nurse know that.

I don't need any validation from my mother or even appreciation. I don't care what she thinks of me. My interest in her care management is that she is human and all humans are worthy of being treated humanely. I don't want her to suffer but if she's suffering from her own decisions, then that is out of my hands.

The nurses can call me and I will offer any information that might help with her care but I am not going to voluntarily get involved- like making calls to them at her request. If she wants to be in control, she can handle that.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You have made it clear that helping your mother is about following your values. You know who you are and who your mother is.

[Notwendy]

Notwendy,
You have made it clear that helping your mother is about following your values. You know who you are and who your mother is.

Yes- thank you. It's values but in an oddly detached way- like you'd do for anyone. I am sure Zachira- that if you were walking down the street and saw someone acting sick, you'd call for medical assistance- because- that is the right thing to do. You would do this for your mother too- but not because she's your mother, you'd do it because you'd help someone in that situation whether she is your mother or not.

Does that make sense? That's what is odd. My friend is helping take care of her elderly parents who are in a nearby assisted living. She's helping because of her values and also because, emotionally they are her parents. and there's that relationship.

[Methuen]

I'm mostly angry and disgusted.

I take my hat of to you for expressing the truth.  Honestly, I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me it would never feel safe to tell that to anyone who knows me.  Even a best friend.  Who could possibly understand that reaction/feeling about a parent, and not judge us?  It's feels so vulnerable to tell the truth sometimes because there's risk to it.  It's such a wonderful thing to have this community and feel safe to express our feelings and experiences and know others will understand.  

I find it interesting that your mom changed her tune when she was confronted by the nurse coordinator.  "Changing tune" isn't in my mom's skill set, so I'm curious about this.  Maybe it helped that it was a nurse coordinator in an assisted living facility, and not you directly.  I presume it would have gone differently for you if it was a behavior you had to deal with if she was still living independently.

I don't need any validation from my mother or even appreciation. I don't care what she thinks of me. My interest in her care management is that she is human and all humans are worthy of being treated humanely. I don't want her to suffer but if she's suffering from her own decisions, then that is out of my hands.

This.  

I have a couple of curious questions, but if you aren't in a place where you feel ok to answer them, then please don't.  

Would you say that your mom still tries to make you feel responsible for her suffering?  If yes, how have you managed to navigate that?

It sounds like you have reached the point of emotional detachment.  I'm guessing that anger and disgust is a stepping stone to this.  I don't know.  I am still trying to figure this all out.  I am deeply stuck in the intense "resentment" phase.  My mom has capacity to choose to live in her own home.  Which leaves H and I stuck in constant contact with her as we live 5 min from her.  The manipulative behavior and texts just invade our space 24/7.  She has too much free time to "bug us" because she really has nothing left she can do for activity except watch TV and water her plants with her walker, and think her negative thoughts and be a victim.  Today I got a text at work saying "Jane is making me supper at 5."  I really don't need to know or care who is making her supper.  She has chosen to live independently.  If she wants to have her supper made for her, assisted living is an option.  Mom's subtext to me: other people do more for me than you do.  You should be bringing me supper.  Jane cares about me more than you do.

I don't know if your mom is one to needle you with comments which either overtly or by implication tell you that "you are not enough", or if she is more about creating chaos to get your attention by telling you that others (nurses, doctors, care aides) are not doing their job, and then expecting you to do something about these other people (even as she is choosing not to follow their medical advice).  I guess I'm trying to suss out if her attacks are on you or if she uses you to attack others, or maybe it's both.  I guess I'm asking because I'm trying to learn from you and figure out what the heck I need to do to make my own peace with my mother.  Inotherwords, find a way to move past the resentment, the obligation and the guilt, and just not feel those things any more, because they have sucked the joy out of my life, as long as we (H and I) have so much contact with her (because she lives alone and obligates us to take care of her needs).

The nurses can call me and I will offer any information that might help with her care but I am not going to voluntarily get involved- like making calls to them at her request. If she wants to be in control, she can handle that.

This is perfect.  And I'm happy for you that she's in care.  It sucks that she chooses to ignore the help and medical advice of her care providers, but that's her choice.  These are her decisions.

[Notwendy]

Methuen-
To address your question- I don't reveal my feelings about my mother to most people- on this board, yes, but I agree- people will not understand or they will judge me.

There is no way I could be in close distance to my mother like you are. I couldn't manage it emotionally. I think you mentioned you don't sleep well sometimes when you are in contact with her. I don't either- before or after.

I know that both you and your mother are in the same area. I knew, as a teen, when I went to college- that I could not relocate in the same town as my parents. If my mother had moved near me on her own, I don't know what I'd do. I think the kind of issues you are dealing with because you live near her are a stressor for you and cause resentment.

12 steps- with a sponsor- in an ACA group. That might seem odd to you if your mother doesn't use alcohol but the 12 steps help with feelings like resentment and doing too much  and the dynamics are similar to having a parent with BPD. Being in a smaller area, it does feel uncomfortable showing up at a meeting as there may be people you know- but if they are there- they are working on their own issues as well and confidentiality is a part of the group. I've run into people I know and think "uh oh- they are going to think I'm a mess" and find out they are struggling with something difficult themselves- empathy for them rather than my own embarrassement. I mention 12 steps because it didn't ever occur to me to try it until  a counselor recommended it and I think it helped me a lot but one needs to do it one on one with a sponsor while going to meetings. (one finds a sponsor at the meetings)

BPD mother will change tune when it impacts her "public persona". While we feel judged about our relationship with our mothers, she also is invested in maintaining her "normal" persona. A part of Hospice is communicating with families so what she did was unusual and so she corrected it. I think what she is afraid of is that I might tell the nurses something that would counter this public persona- but her behavior is an issue for her caregivers and they are already aware of it.

When I do talk about her behavior with them, it is in context of trying to help her, not to say bad things about her. The nurses know this but my mother gets upset when anyone talks about her. She has a lot of anxiety so they increased her medicine and she seemed over medicated to us- her family- so we told them that and they went down a bit on the dose. The image that "mother is normal" is a family rule and we weren't allowed to say anything otherwise but it won't help her to pretend in this situation.

I understand the fear of being open about it. My parents would get angry at me if I said anything. But being in assisted living- and having caregivers- it's a known situation and it's impacting her care and so it needs to be discussed.

Yes, my mother thinks from victim perspective and everyone else is responsible for her suffering. It is difficult for me to see her in distress. I don't want her to suffer. I haven't seen anyone succeed at changing her feelings for her though. It's difficult to see her physically suffer too but when asked to do something to help it- she mostly refuses.


I don't know if your mom is one to needle you with comments which either overtly or by implication tell you that "you are not enough", or if she is more about creating chaos to get your attention by telling you that others (nurses, doctors, care aides) are not doing their job, and then expecting you to do something about these other people (even as she is choosing not to follow their medical advice).  I guess I'm trying to suss out if her attacks are on you or if she uses you to attack others, or maybe it's both.  I guess I'm asking because I'm trying to learn from you and figure out what the heck I need to do to make my own peace with my mother.  Inotherwords, find a way to move past the resentment, the obligation and the guilt, and just not feel those things any more, because they have sucked the joy out of my life, as long as we (H and I) have so much contact with her (because she lives alone and obligates us to take care of her needs).

Yes, to this. The comments of not being enough- also when my father was ill, whatever I did wasn't enough. I think in the larger perspective- "enough" for her is impossible. We can only do what we can. How she perceives it is not something we can control. Yes to telling me the doctors and nurses aren't doing their job but when we look into it, it seems the nurses are doing their job. Some of this, my mother brings on herself. The staff in the assisted living will do their minimum job with her if she treats them poorly. I think one difference with my mother being in assisted living is that other people can be blamed as well so I can see it isn't personal.

I don't think it's possible to "make peace" with my mother or what I do for her. I think I have to accept that I won't be or do enough for her in her eyes and we won't have the kind of situation I see with my friends who have their parents near them and help with their care. That to me is the same kind of wish as having a mother like my friends' mothers I saw as a child. There's the ideal and then, there's reality. The more someone is emotionally close to my mother- the more they are subjected to her verbal and emotional abuse. It's like that article "what kind of monster has their mother in a homeless shelter- I am that monster" feeling.

Manipulative phone calls tend to cycle. She either won't call or she will call over and over until I pick up. But I am not in proximity to bring her dinner or do things for her so I don't get those requests but for things I can arrange long distance.

I don't know about your mother but an aspect of my mother's behavior that I have to be detached from is that she lies to me and does things behind my back like telling the nurses to not speak to me and I don't know about it. I think it's the most destructive behavior to our relationship now. I don't trust her because, I can't trust her. I think this is some strange game to her- to manipulate me or play me. She does this on purpose with me and other people too- she knows what she's doing.  If I fall for her story and act out of empathy with her, she plays that. If she calls me and tells me she isn't feeling well- maybe it's true or maybe it isn't. I think this is a factor in the detachment. It's not something I did to "detach" but that she's done this so much, it has a distancing affect.

Also the relationship- if you do have warm and caring memories- it is harder to feel less attached. I have good memories of my father and so felt more attached emotionally. My mother didn't act "motherly" or affectionate to me. I do feel an obligation to her in the religious/moral sense- that "honor your parents" aspect but I don't believe that to honor your parent means enabling them to be abusive either. It feels like walking a thin rope- and one can fall off to either side- doing too much and feeling resentment or doing too little and feeling guilt but I also think that maybe that trying to stay on that walk is part of it- that we stay mindful of our actions.

I think you are in a difficult situation because of the proximity to your mother. It's because of your help that she's able to live on her own. Without it, she'd have to go to a care facility. However, you don't feel it's OK to step back and do less. I think we all make decisions with what we know, but even by my teen years, the situation at home was so difficult I didn't want to come home from college. There were times that I tried to- I did live at home for a longer period of time or move closer to them, and it was the same situation. I felt- hoped, I could do something to make my relationship with my mother better. 12 steps did help me to not look to my parents for validation- if they aren't capable of doing that, due to their own emotional situation, then don't seek it. There's a saying "don't go to an empty well to get a drink of water".

[Tangled mangled]

Good question. At this point, no- she's responsible for her decisions. It's just the snafu that she's elderly, is mostly lucid, but has had episodes of confusion and so has named me as her next of kin and medical power of attorney and so they have updated me at times not just for her but for their own protection as they know she's unstable mentally and so feel the need to update me.

She is still legally competent to make her own decisions and yet, people who work with her think some of her decisions are unwise. "Legally competent to make her own bad decisions" so they have kept me informed.

That she's done this doesn't surprise me. During the time my father was ill and with his passing, it caused a lot of confusion and even ruined family relationships. I think part of my wanting to be updated was out of a sense of obligation. Her only next of kin are her children and I am the one who lives closest to her. I am also the nearest family member in the best position to make decisions in her best interest if needed. She knows that and this is why she made me POA or rather her dispempowered POA.

You are correct in that this only hurts her. I don't feel an emotional response in terms of hurt. I'm actually disgusted at her behavior. It's got to be some twisted need of hers to do that. If she doesn't want her nurses to speak to me - then I am OK with that.

NW

I think she does it out of spite and it’s part and parcel of emotional cruelty. The way I see the bpd mother-non  daughter relationship is that they groomed us and know precisely how to hurt us. It’s like a like they do so with precision of surgeon and his scalpel and so casually too.

She has a need to hurt someone, as she’s predatory too. Now she’s almost powerless in her state, but she chooses to prey/exploit your values.

In my profession I work with colleagues who are have high functioning npd/bpd traits. what I ve learned is that, if I’m becoming a target, I handle them by becoming very cold and I can usually calculate their next moves and prepare myself to be even more distant while acting like I’m unaware of their behaviours. If they can sense that I may be disordered like them they usually back down.

I see in your other response that your mum’s allowed access again. Looks like she tried to bait you into a conversation with her about her health. I can imagine she got a desired response in the past when she did thesame. It’s all about eliciting a response from you to maintain her position- as the offender and you remaining as the responder/ reactive one.

[Notwendy]

NW

I think she does it out of spite and it’s part and parcel of emotional cruelty. The way I see the bpd mother-non  daughter relationship is that they groomed us and know precisely how to hurt us. It’s like a like they do so with precision of surgeon and his scalpel and so casually too.

She has a need to hurt someone, as she’s predatory too. Now she’s almost powerless in her state, but she chooses to prey/exploit your values.

I think you are correct. This is intentional on her part to be cruel. She has an NPD aspect to her and I have suspected sociopathy too.

My mother, on her own, is powerless. Her "power" has come from her ability to manipulate people to do things for her. It makes sense in terms of survival- and she does this well. I guess the "keeping me in the dark" power by what she tells me and keeping other information (like updates from nurses) from me makes her feel she has some control. I know why she allowed access and it's because she was about to get called out for doing what she did by the nurse coordinator. This was her attempt to smooth things over.

I don't mind being able to talk to her nurses. I prefer it as it's a way to get a true assessment of what is going on with her. However, I get what you are saying- by speaking to her nurses, it gets me involved. It's worth it to me to have an accurate report. Where I can draw the line is if she asks me about something- I can deflect to "please ask your nurse". I see your point about being cold and non responsive to your disordered co-workers. Grey rock, not reacting- helps in this situation as well.

[livednlearned]

NW, this is helping me process something my own mother did recently. It's so bizarre to describe I almost can't figure out how to do it. This used to happen with my son's disordered (n/BPDx) father. I would try to explain something but it was so convoluted I often gave up. Only people here on this board seem to understand. I hope it's ok to post it here, not to process it for myself because I've already done it but to do a full autopsy on how ... insidiously...disordered people rope us into shenanigans. I can only think that the aggression (?) that was fine-tuned over a lifetime with us gets consequential in terms of health as they age, but that doesn't factor in for them. Or, if it does, only after they realize their "solution" to whatever problem they were working through has made things worse. Then we get dragged in to help solve the new problem of their own making. It's exhausting.

My mother makes bad decisions impulsively in order (I think) to solve a short-term emotionally disordered moment that is based on childlike or self-absorbed thinking. It's 100 percent about her, except she uses people around her sort of like barriers she is trying to override. And then she has to solve the new problem she created without taking any responsibility for creating it, and acts like the original issue didn't exist or wasn't something she caused.  

She was packing for a trip and my father, who oversees her medications closely (for seizures), asked about a steroid cream on the counter and whether she was going to take it. They got into a fight, and she said she didn't even need the cream. I think her intent was to fight him then later slip the cream into her toiletries. Why the fight? Not sure except she probably didn't like how he was talking to her.

When she arrived at her destination she started to worry because she forgot the cream after insisting she didn't need it. I got a text from my father that said, "Your mother needs this ointment because she didn't bring it with her. It's an ointment for her face. It's (name of drug with quantity)."

Meaning, deduce from this text that H must order the cream for her.

This is my mother telling --> my father to tell --> me to tell --> H to do _______ --> for my mom.

They did this once before. H called in a prescription and they didn't thank him. They didn't thank me.

I mention to H, "I'm not responding to this text, they may contact you. Do not feel obligated to help for xyz historical reason."

Six days later my mother seems to be using my father's phone and sends this text: "Tell (LnL's husband name) thank you I will go to CVS and see and get it there probably tomorrow."

Except H did not get a text from them and did not call anything in.

Then a day later, "Thanks again."

Two days later my father calls. He explains, with her on the call, that my mother did not want to bring the cream. She argues and says she forgot it. My father says he tried to help her remember it. She snaps at him that it isn't a big deal, then she's says it's for cancer.

I suggested going to a clinic to get it. She says no because she would have to wait in a long line. This is a retired person in a resort town with nothing to do. I ask if my disordered sibling who lives 5 min from them can send it from their home and they say he is very busy.

So H, who has a demanding job, and me, who also works, are not too busy to help but my brother is.  

Pre-estrangement my father would use abusive strategies to get me to comply but he now has some restraint so the topic is left dangling. I think he also realizes he can't really demand H does something.

Two days later I get another text, "Can you ask (LnL husband's name) to send a requisition for the ointment to the Walmart near us. Your mother is getting a little nervous about the area on her chin."

I reply that maybe go to a clinic since then she is not waiting on H, who is at work.

Next day from my mother on my father's phone: "I hope that LnL is ok as we haven't heard from her for a bit. Thanks so much for the help but I will wait until I get home and hopefully the cancer won't spread."

Then shortly after, "Don't worry about the prescription. I will look after it."

A week later, "(Brother's name) is so wonderful he sent the cream went to the house on his own took care of everything for me"

I mean. On face value this is what. Irritating? Weird? But for me this is the same person who admitted she saw my brother violently beat me (for eating the last piece of bread) in the kitchen and turned around quietly and walked the other way.

These under-the-table knife fights are always connected to greater abuses in my experience. They radiate from the same core. My parents can't do greater damage, the two of them, because of changes I've made, but they can still do damage, especially when they are functioning as two sides of the same disordered coin.

Sometimes I imagine carrying this large sack of heavy items that gets lighter and smaller as I gain understanding and new skills, but the sack is still there. Every interaction with my parents they try to add more to the sack and my entire response is to prevent that from happening.

It's so exhausting.

[Notwendy]

how ... insidiously...disordered people rope us into shenanigans. I can only think that the aggression (?) that was fine-tuned over a lifetime with us gets consequential in terms of health as they age, but that doesn't factor in for them. Or, if it does, only after they realize their "solution" to whatever problem they were working through has made things worse. Then we get dragged in to help solve the new problem of their own making. It's exhausting.

My mother makes bad decisions impulsively in order (I think) to solve a short-term emotionally disordered moment that is based on childlike or self-absorbed thinking. It's 100 percent about her, except she uses people around her sort of like barriers she is trying to override. And then she has to solve the new problem she created without taking any responsibility for creating it, and acts like the original issue didn't exist or wasn't something she caused.  


er's phone and sends this text: "Tell (LnL's husband name) thank you I will go to CVS and see and get it there probably tomorrow."


Sometimes I imagine carrying this large sack of heavy items that gets lighter and smaller as I gain understanding and new skills, but the sack is still there. Every interaction with my parents they try to add more to the sack and my entire response is to prevent that from happening.

Your story is similar to my BPD mother turning what could be a simple situation into a crisis involving several family members.

The simple solution to forgetting to pack a medicine is to call one's own provider and have them call in a prescription for a few doses to use over the time away. One calls the office, explains the situation, and gives the contact info to the nearest pharmacy.  If needed- there's urgent care, and other options if someone is out of the country. Your father mentioned a CVS- so they have a solution for this- have her provider call it in to CVS. However, your mother has raised a one step solution for replacing a cream (call her own provider) to involving the whole family.

Unless your H is your mother's doctor- he doesn't have to call a prescription in for your mother. I hope he can take himself out of this situation and tell her he's "not allowed to" (whether it's true or not).

Your father going along with this is similar to what my father would do- be worried about my mother feeling distressed and also attempt to solve the situation for her.

[livednlearned]

Your story is similar to my BPD mother turning what could be a simple situation into a crisis involving several family members.

That's what struck me too.

I know there's no point in asking, but I can't help sometimes in my exasperation ask WHY.

The way H and I handled it was to essentially sit on our hands. This is hard for both of us but we realize if we don't want to get pulled into these things we cannot over-function. We also can't speak to the nonsense directly because then we will find ourselves in open conflict.

Our goal is to be as benign as possible while we observe and/or guide natural consequences to play out.

They called last night and my mother brought up how helpful my brother is which is a dig at me. I asked her how the alleged cancer on her chin was doing since this is what the cream was apparently for. "I don't have cancer, I never said I had cancer."

So she didn't need the cream, then she didn't forget it, then it wasn't important, then it was just for cancer, then she never said it.

I know interactions like this have built up emotional scar tissue. There is a wound there but there's a lot of nerve damage on top of it and it doesn't feel the way it should.

[Notwendy]

I agree- this feels uncomfortable. I think we feel we should do something but you and your H did the right thing- by leaving this issue to her to deal with ( or hand over to your brother who may want to be the "hero" this time).

If it's something serious- this would be something her doctor would need to take care of- and she is capable of calling her own doctor.

I understand the craziness. My mother will call me to ask me to call the nurse for her (prior to the no talking to them I guess) . But if she is able to pick up the phone and call me- then she also is capable of calling the nurse on her own.

It's the need of someone doing for her- that drives this. My mother will call someone to get her something to eat from food delivery but not call delivery herself. She has Amazon prime but sends people to the store for her to get things she could just order.

She was in nursing home rehab for a while and forgot to pack her cream ( common cream for women past menopause) and asked me to go to her assisted living to get it. I was visting her at the time. The nursing home facility could order it for her but she insisted that only her doctor is able to order this cream. I went and got it and gave it to the nurses station. It's prescription, and state law that all medicines must be handled by the facility. They put the name of it in the computer and ordered it so they would be able to give it to her as prescribed. She was furious- she wanted me to give it to her and not tell them.

The simple way would be to tell them, on admission, that this is one of her medicines and they could have ordered it.

Similar issue- this isn't a controlled substance or hard to get. Your mother could have easily gotten her doctor to call her cream into CVS. The nursing facility can get the cream.

So your brother is the hero this time. Let him do this if he wants. You know this is all Karpman triangle dynamics and can change in an instance if your mother gets upset with him over something.