Challenging the narrative and lies

[Tangled mangled]

So recently I have made connections with my dad’s sister. My aunt is of similar age to my mum and was a her scapegoat some almost 40 years ago when my mum was pregnant with me.

My own agenda:

To connect with relatives who were split black by my parents, who I never developed relationships with but somehow showed up infrequently in my childhood with gifts for me.

Also there was an adverse event that took place between my mum and my aunt while my mum was almost nine months pregnant with me. I set out to find the truth because my all life my aunt had been accused of causing a congenital condition ( which by my medical knowledge could be genetic) that I was born with.
My mum’s story was that she being attacked so she went ahead and struck my aunt to protect herself. There were two aunts present that day and that they were out to take all the food/ farm products in her pantry.

My aunt’s account was that my mum initially told everyone that my aunt struck her but later changed her story to say she actually slapped my aunt. The farm produce in question were crops my aunts had helped plant and there must have been some agreement before hand to share. But my aunt was going to pay for the items as my mum was selling to others around.. My aunt who was  a healthcare worker at the time knew better than to attack a pregnant woman and she said she didn’t. She said she was injured that day as her face was red and my mum refused to apologise.
When I was born, the congenital condition was noted and my parents quickly accused this aunt for years. My aunt stayed away throughout my childhood and I ve never had a chance to have a chat.

A few months ago I got in touch with her and she narrated what happened. She was happy to hear from me and since then we’ve heard a few more conversations.

Turns out my parents, especially my mum told so many lies about my dad’s side of the family. It’s weird but I’ve found it validating to hear others experience of my mum.

She’s not this fictional villain I created to explain away my lifelong grief and sadness. She has always being the monster that she is now and even persons from her generation find it hard to believe the way she treats her children.

My mum will be livid if she finds out about my association with this aunt. But this is the kind of karma I want to be part of.


Next step is to widen my associations with other aunts who she has no control over.

[zachira]

Tangled mangled,
Both of my parents had siblings whom they ruthlessly scapegoated. The scapegoated aunts and uncle were the family members who were truly kind to me and did not scapegoat me like many of my disordered family members did. How wonderful you got in touch with your aunt and intend to get to know more aunts from your father's side. Learning and seeing the truth is healing and really helps with all the self doubts we have about who we really are.

[Methuen]

Turns out my parents, especially my mum told so many lies about my dad’s side of the family. It’s weird but I’ve found it validating to hear others experience of my mum.

  Not weird at all.  It must be so validating.  I can imagine there must be relief too. 

[Tangled mangled]

Tangled mangled,
Both of my parents had siblings whom they ruthlessly scapegoated. The scapegoated aunts and uncle were the family members who were truly kind to me and did not scapegoat me like many of my disordered family members did. How wonderful you got in touch with your aunt and intend to get to know more aunts from your father's side. Learning and seeing the truth is healing and really helps with all the self doubts we have about who we really are.

This here !

This is adding even further validation as I still question my own intentions for reaching out to my parents ‘ enemies ‘.

Sometimes when my wounds come to the surface, I feel an overwhelming urge to revenge all the smear campaign against me. This self doubt still keeps me from widening my reach.

Now that I know it’s part of my healing journey, I will proceed in earnest.
Thank you

[Tangled mangled]

  Not weird at all.  It must be so validating.  I can imagine there must be relief too. 

There’s indeed relief, and it further confirms to me that I was not the defective one after all.

[zachira]

The smear campaign is infuriating and very hurtful. I am dealing with an ongoing smear campaign with my large extended family and their enablers which began when I was a child. Those who deliberately smear another person need a target to smear to avoid dealing with how badly they feel inside.

I am glad you are finding it so rewarding to reach out to your parents' enemies. As a child and one of the family scapegoats, I found that there were many people who did not like my parents who went out of their way to be kind to me. My current situation is that I have wonderful genuine friends who have known my family forever who were never friends with most of my disordered family members yet are my friends. I find the really wonderful people are authentic, modest, kind, and have boundaries, which is not a fit for my disordered family members who are extremely narcissistic.

When we are family scapegoats, the challenge is to keep working on knowing our true self and disentangling ourself from the false family narratives that we are somehow defective and deserve to be abused. As we become more comfortable in our own skin, the really good people are attracted to us and the disordered people are less interested in us as narcissistic supply. As we start to feel worthy of healthier relationships and continue to learn how to have loving relationships with ourself and others, we feel happier and do not let the smear campaigns rent so much space in our head.