What to do about a weaponized "flying monkey"?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPDxw is engaged to be married in Aug.

To date, her fiance has been cordial if we see each other during kid pickups/dropoffs.

I'm well aware that my X has told everyone that I'm a narcissist along with a lot of disparaging and generally false statements.  I've generally ignored it and remained out of the fray.

This week, the fiance became confrontational - first in person, and later in email.

It's clear that he's highly energized in the rescuer position of the Karpman triangle.

I'm somewhat taken aback, as a more measured, rational approach would be for both of us to normalize a relationship ahead of the marriage - if only for the benefit of the kids.  Instead, it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization - and apparently ready to file motions to change the parenting plan, etc.

I know I need to go back and re-read (again) how to escape the drama triangle. 

In the meantime, I'd be glad to hear from anyone who's been in this situation. Yikes, it never ends.

[EyesUp]

My uBPDxw is engaged to be married in Aug.

To date, her fiance has been cordial if we see each other during kid pickups/dropoffs.

I'm well aware that my X has told everyone that I'm a narcissist along with a lot of disparaging and generally false statements.  I've generally ignored it and remained out of the fray.

This week, the fiance became confrontational - first in person, and later in email.

It's clear that he's highly energized in the rescuer position of the Karpman triangle.

I'm somewhat taken aback, as a more measured, rational approach would be for both of us to normalize a relationship ahead of the marriage - if only for the benefit of the kids.  Instead, it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization - and apparently ready to file motions to change the parenting plan, etc.

I know I need to go back and re-read (again) how to escape the drama triangle. 

In the meantime, I'd be glad to hear from anyone who's been in this situation. Yikes, it never ends.

[ChooseHappiness]

This week, the fiance became confrontational - first in person, and later in email.

It's clear that he's highly energized in the rescuer position of the Karpman triangle.

I'm somewhat taken aback, as a more measured, rational approach would be for both of us to normalize a relationship ahead of the marriage - if only for the benefit of the kids.  Instead, it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization - and apparently ready to file motions to change the parenting plan, etc.

Just verbally confrontational or physical as well?

Make sure you are documenting everything that happens, and you may want to record your interactions as well. I know the courts often don't like people recording each other, but the police do if it helps them figure out who is an aggressor, who is fabricating allegations, etc.

If she files motions to change the parenting plan, I imagine she would need a reason to do so and you would have a chance to dispute any false allegations. I don't think he would be able to change the parenting plans.

How old are the kids? In many areas, once they are past 12 years old the courts will generally respect their wishes about where they want to be.

It would be nice to have a normalized relationship with the ex and her fiancé, but I suspect such a thing is not possible when it comes to anyone with BPD. I'm not sure about the drama triangle stuff, but I would avoid engaging wherever possible - don't respond to the emails, remain courteous, etc. If this winds up in court, you want to look like the reasonable one. Also, if you don't respond, his white knight syndrome or whatever is motivating him may eventually fade. It's hard to pick a fight with someone who ignores you. And if you remain calm and rational, he may eventually come to realize she is making things up about you.

[jaded7]

My uBPDxw is engaged to be married in Aug.

To date, her fiance has been cordial if we see each other during kid pickups/dropoffs.

I'm well aware that my X has told everyone that I'm a narcissist along with a lot of disparaging and generally false statements.  I've generally ignored it and remained out of the fray.

This week, the fiance became confrontational - first in person, and later in email.

It's clear that he's highly energized in the rescuer position of the Karpman triangle.

I'm somewhat taken aback, as a more measured, rational approach would be for both of us to normalize a relationship ahead of the marriage - if only for the benefit of the kids.  Instead, it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization - and apparently ready to file motions to change the parenting plan, etc.

I know I need to go back and re-read (again) how to escape the drama triangle. 

In the meantime, I'd be glad to hear from anyone who's been in this situation. Yikes, it never ends.

A friend of mine is in the same position. The new husband has bought her story fully, and he is quite active in the chaos between him and his ex, the child care and parenting time chaos she manufactures, and the demonization of him. I tell him repeatedly that 'No' is a complete sentence.

The desire to 'normalize' the relationship is a potential problem here. My friend does the same thing, he wants a normal relationship, and at some level he wants his exw to 'like' him, which leads him into giving into to her constantly shifting demands and schedule changes, and guilting and gaslighting.

[EyesUp]

Just verbally confrontational or physical as well?

Make sure you are documenting everything that happens, and you may want to record your interactions as well. I know the courts often don't like people recording each other, but the police do if it helps them figure out who is an aggressor, who is fabricating allegations, etc.

If she files motions to change the parenting plan, I imagine she would need a reason to do so and you would have a chance to dispute any false allegations. I don't think he would be able to change the parenting plans.

How old are the kids? In many areas, once they are past 12 years old the courts will generally respect their wishes about where they want to be.

It would be nice to have a normalized relationship with the ex and her fiancé, but I suspect such a thing is not possible when it comes to anyone with BPD. I'm not sure about the drama triangle stuff, but I would avoid engaging wherever possible - don't respond to the emails, remain courteous, etc. If this winds up in court, you want to look like the reasonable one. Also, if you don't respond, his white knight syndrome or whatever is motivating him may eventually fade. It's hard to pick a fight with someone who ignores you. And if you remain calm and rational, he may eventually come to realize she is making things up about you.

All good advice, thanks.

My kids are D16, D13, and D9. 

D16 routinely asks her mom to modify the schedule, and mom always gives permission without communicating with me.  Then D16 will send me a text along the lines of "I'm going to mom's" or "mom says it's ok to go to her house."

Now my uBPDxw and her fiance accuse me of failing to honor the parenting plan...   it's a rope-a-dope setup.   In parallel, D13 and D9 follow the regular schedule without any issue, although D16 has started to prompt D13 to follow.

Obviously I have no legal relationship with the fiance - however his verbal escalations and written follow include insults, taunts, threats... 

I've been recording almost 24/7 for years, as I've come to expect false accusations from my uBPDxw, and more recently from D16. 

Nothing physical with the fiance at this point, and I take care to avoid that anyway.

[EyesUp]

A friend of mine is in the same position. The new husband has bought her story fully, and he is quite active in the chaos between him and his ex, the child care and parenting time chaos she manufactures, and the demonization of him. I tell him repeatedly that 'No' is a complete sentence.

The desire to 'normalize' the relationship is a potential problem here. My friend does the same thing, he wants a normal relationship, and at some level he wants his exw to 'like' him, which leads him into giving into to her constantly shifting demands and schedule changes, and guilting and gaslighting.

Thanks, good point re: normalizing things.  I'm an eternal optimist and just wish we could all act like adults.  I probably need to let that go.

[ChooseHappiness]

I've been recording almost 24/7 for years, as I've come to expect false accusations from my uBPDxw, and more recently from D16. 

Why the false accusations from D16? Does she believe the mom's allegations? Or is she possibly BPD herself?

I have a friend whose ex is quite likely NPD, and he poisoned the kids' minds for years about her. They really favoured him - until one of them realized he'd been lying the whole time. Now they mostly spend time with my friend and maintain a minimal relationship with the NPD dad.

So if your ex is poisoning your kids' minds with false allegations, they may figure it out at some point.

As for the fiancé, make sure you are keeping all his taunts and threats. It's important to have a record of harassment if you have to go to court, or if someone makes allegations to your employer, etc.

And yes, in regards to the other comments about normalizing relations between you, I would let that go. As long as you try to do that, you are still enmeshed with her and her drama in some form, and she will lash out because you're handy. My xwBPD would obsess over every imagined slight from her family members and friends and regularly clash with them until they all went no contact with her one after another. Now she rarely thinks of them at all and is rage obsessed with me instead. Once we have the divorce finalized and I'm essentially no contact with her, that will fade, too, and she'll move on to the next target. Because there always has to be a target. Move on and live your own life. You'll be much happier in the long run.

[EyesUp]

Why the false accusations from D16? Does she believe the mom's allegations? Or is she possibly BPD herself?

I have a friend whose ex is quite likely NPD, and he poisoned the kids' minds for years about her. They really favoured him - until one of them realized he'd been lying the whole time. Now they mostly spend time with my friend and maintain a minimal relationship with the NPD dad.

So if your ex is poisoning your kids' minds with false allegations, they may figure it out at some point.

Yes, uBPDxw favors D16 and has been amping up an alienation campaign for the past ~2 years and recently tipped her hand that she's ready to go to work on D13, too.

I've got some solid documentation that could be presented in a counter-motion - if she follows through on her threat to file.  The wild card is what happens if the judge polls the kids.
D16 will choose mom, D13 might follow, and D9 would get sucked into a nasty situation...   I'd prefer to avoid all of that, but if history has taught me anything with my X, it's prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[kells76]

This week, the fiance became confrontational - first in person, and later in email.

It's clear that he's highly energized in the rescuer position of the Karpman triangle.

I'm somewhat taken aback, as a more measured, rational approach would be for both of us to normalize a relationship ahead of the marriage - if only for the benefit of the kids.  Instead, it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization - and apparently ready to file motions to change the parenting plan, etc.

Is he saying he is ready to file motions? Or is he saying that she is?

Now my uBPDxw and her fiance accuse me of failing to honor the parenting plan...   it's a rope-a-dope setup.   In parallel, D13 and D9 follow the regular schedule without any issue, although D16 has started to prompt D13 to follow.

I wonder what would happen if you replied something like "I am glad we agree to follow the parenting plan as written. I will let the kids know that's the plan per your suggestion" or something. Not sure if I'd 100% recommend that but if she is saying in an email "we should follow the PP" then that's something.

it's clear that he's amped up and completely in thrall with my X's narrative of abuse and victimization

I'd be glad to hear from anyone who's been in this situation.

 

yes, me here, relating to where you're at.

My approach was BIFF with Stepdad, minimal engagement, small talk on safe topics (weather/movies) if the kids were there. Never meet with him alone. Don't feel obligated to respond to any/all emails. If you respond to his email, cc Mom on it. Or, just reply to Mom. You and Mom are the parents.

When I taught SD18 high school algebra during Covid (long story), I guess I was not totally nice in how I emailed -- I left him out. I only emailed updates/grades to Mom and H because they are the parents. Any info that Mom wanted to share with Stepdad she could do herself.

He may toss out some bait, knowingly or not; work on yourself not to take it. Stepdad would call H's kids his own kids ("my daughters"), in front of H. Know that this stuff might happen and keep your kids' wellbeing in mind as you decline to let him rile you up.

Overall my top thought is that he has no standing to file motions etc, so don't engage with that.

[EyesUp]

Is he saying he is ready to file motions? Or is he saying that she is?


He's saying "we" and acting as my X's proxy.

There's some distortion in his words.  

e.g., he refers to me violating "court orders"... but there are no orders. It was ultimately an uncontested divorce.  We have a "court approved" agreement, and the distinction is more than semantic - but this is the language that my uBPDxw uses, and so now he uses it.

The violation he's referring to involved D16 declining to transition to me last week. Of course mom unilaterally gives D16 the go ahead to transition to her early almost every week - but this was the first time D16 told me she would not come to my house. I raised this with her mom, but made the mistake of doing it on the phone instead of via email.  Mom said "D16 is always welcome here" - Now mom and her fiance accuse me of unilaterally changing the parenting plan, propose that I pay $175/night for any time they take the kids on my time, and threaten to file a motion to change the parenting schedule so that they have the kids majority time - if I pay.

The last point is telling, but it also comes packaged with a lot of insults - that I don't keep my word, have no integrity, etc etc.  The gist is:  It's not a reasonable or rational approach for anyone to take if the goal is alignment and agreement.  It's intended to be a provocation.  I doubt a judge will ever take the time to read these emails - and I'm increasingly concerned that we'll end up in front of a judge.  Any responses from me are 100% to the point and courteous and solution focused.

Now the kids are all away at camp for a month.  uBPDxw is getting married in just over a month - I'd think she'd have better things to think about.

Finally, the situation with D16 is rough, but her T recently asked me if I think mom might be a covert narc... answer:  maybe!

[EyesUp]

Part of our communication is quarterly expense reconcilliation.  Just got this somewhat amazing message from my uBPDxw re: additional expenses to add to the list she previously shared:

"$875 parenting fee for 5 days... This list is not exhaustive. I am also not including books for camp, clothes, more stamps, more socks and underwear, wear and tear on MY towels and sheets, all costs associated with D16's birthday celebration with her friends, etc etc etc."

We both provide essentials for the kids.  I let the kids take whatever they want to mom's, she seems to tell the kids to leave everything at her house.  I try not to raise it unless it's something specific one of the kids needs for school or extra curriculars.

The "parenting fee" is amazing, and wear and tear on towels and sheets is a bit over the top...   For clarity, there is no parenting fee (!) in our agreement, and I don't think many judges would approve this concept. 

I've known her for almost 30 years, and this stuff still surprises me. 

I want to ignore it, but we need to finish the reconciliation and I don't want to set a precedent to "let it slide."

[Cluster Beeline]

You may have more shared interests with her fiancé than you imagine. I know many people get uncomfortable hearing this but fairly often, men do not appreciate raising another man's children. Obviously he has accepted this up to a certain point, but it may be that he is policing the agreement strictly. He may be unaware that your ex is the one who is undermining the agreement by allowing/encouraging your daughter to break its terms.

You and he both want the agreement strictly followed while your ex loves the triangulation tension created by breaking the agreement.

You should clearly communicate that, as always, you insist on the agreement being followed strictly and that it is crucial that both sides reinforce this to all the children. For the expenses you may have to become strict as well, although I can understand how petty this feels.

I don't know how the finances work with your ex and fiancé but it may be that he is complaining about spending money on her children and pressuring her to get you to pay more. The only defense to this is strict accounting and following the agreement to the letter. 

[jaded7]

Part of our communication is quarterly expense reconcilliation.  Just got this somewhat amazing message from my uBPDxw re: additional expenses to add to the list she previously shared:

"$875 parenting fee for 5 days... This list is not exhaustive. I am also not including books for camp, clothes, more stamps, more socks and underwear, wear and tear on MY towels and sheets, all costs associated with D16's birthday celebration with her friends, etc etc etc."

We both provide essentials for the kids.  I let the kids take whatever they want to mom's, she seems to tell the kids to leave everything at her house.  I try not to raise it unless it's something specific one of the kids needs for school or extra curriculars.

The "parenting fee" is amazing, and wear and tear on towels and sheets is a bit over the top...   For clarity, there is no parenting fee (!) in our agreement, and I don't think many judges would approve this concept. 

I've known her for almost 30 years, and this stuff still surprises me. 

I want to ignore it, but we need to finish the reconciliation and I don't want to set a precedent to "let it slide."

This is the kind of 'escalation' in demands my friend I mentioned above experiences all the time. Shifting demands, upping the
'requirements' of him, denying what was said, acting like an agreement doesn't exist.

He gives in all the time due to his codependent nature, just wanting to get along. And she just pushes and pushes and pushes.

Wear and tear on the towels! That's almost laughable. And parenting fee??? Oh my gosh.

As I've explained to my friend, his ex just pushes the envelope all the time, and then if he does say no he will then 'compromise', which is always him giving up or giving in to some extent, and just like that the landscape is shifted to a new normal, which then becomes the 'agreement', and slowly but surely they move away from the plan and he is more and more out of sorts.

The triangulation angle Cluster Beeline brings up makes sense to me. She gets supply watching him 'defend' her and put you down, mess with you. It's a win-win for her.

Cluster Beeline makes a good point about how much the fiance REALLY understands this all. And anyway, he's a guy who is marrying a cluster B woman, so therefore he has issues himself and is prone to her manipulations and wants to defend her. I've told this very thing to my friend.....he married a very problematic woman, and was very open to her manipulations and dishonesty.

[PeteWitsend]

I had one negative interaction with BPDxw's BF. 

I decided I'd just keep the voice recorder on for future ones.  He never did it again, and the first time I saw him after that, he ran into the house and avoided me. 

According to my daughter, they (BF and BPDxw) fight all the time, and her extended family called CPS on him, so I think that took some of the "wind out of their sails" so to speak when it came to uniting against me. 

Plus, given the way BPDxw would triangulate at the drop of a hat with whoever she can against whoever she's fighting against in that moment, I think that's caused her occasional lapses into seeing me as a potential rescuer, possibly explaining times she reached out asking for us to be cordial and schedule activities together (!!!!)

I ignored her each time.  No interest in getting dragged into her chaos again.

Whenever I have to deal with them, I try to adopt a very professional tone, knowing that if the communications end up in court, how everything would look.

[EyesUp]

I agreed with Cluster B's assessment, too.

I followed up with uBPDxw out of necessity to reconcile the quarterly expenses, in writing. Kept it short and to the point, and stated that the way forward is to follow the rules. 

The response was... flaming.  I'm not going to post it here, but she declared that she will not reimburse expenses that our divorce agreement states we will split 50-50, and she provided several shocking rationalizations based on exaggerations (ok, here's one: "you make 5 or 6x what I make" - simply false).

I'm concerned about how to pay for extra curriculars because I can't fully cover it while also paying child support - many would be shocked to know what I pay in weekly CS...   

The quarterly reconciliation won't kill either of us - it's just a few hundred bucks. And the documentation of her violation may prove to be helpful at some point. It's amazing to me that someone who threatens to file a motion isn't on their very best behavior, beyond reproach. But that's the way the disorder can be self-destructive, right?

The thing that jams me is that this is never 3D chess - It's chaos. And I don't know how to insulate my kids.

[SinisterComplex]

I agreed with Cluster B's assessment, too.

I followed up with uBPDxw out of necessity to reconcile the quarterly expenses, in writing. Kept it short and to the point, and stated that the way forward is to follow the rules. 

The response was... flaming.  I'm not going to post it here, but she declared that she will not reimburse expenses that our divorce agreement states we will split 50-50, and she provided several shocking rationalizations based on exaggerations (ok, here's one: "you make 5 or 6x what I make" - simply false).

I'm concerned about how to pay for extra curriculars because I can't fully cover it while also paying child support - many would be shocked to know what I pay in weekly CS...   

The quarterly reconciliation won't kill either of us - it's just a few hundred bucks. And the documentation of her violation may prove to be helpful at some point. It's amazing to me that someone who threatens to file a motion isn't on their very best behavior, beyond reproach. But that's the way the disorder can be self-destructive, right?

The thing that jams me is that this is never 3D chess - It's chaos. And I don't know how to insulate my kids.

You can only do what you can do with the kids. Your kids are going to be exposed to it no matter what. All you can focus on is being the best parent you can be and remain the strong, stable, sensible one. Yes you want to protect and shield your kids, but unfortunately you don't have total control there so you have to find a way to be at peace with that.

I truly wish the best for you moving forward. Just keep your head up and focus on being the best version of yourself for your kids.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[GaGrl]

If she refuses to reimburse per court orders, is she than in contempt? Are you willing to go there?

[EyesUp]

If she refuses to reimburse per court orders, is she than in contempt? Are you willing to go there?

Yes, she's in contempt.  At this point it's just a few hundred bucks, so... no, not willing to go there.  I'm focused on solutions, and I don't think it would be particularly rational to ask for a judge's time to help reconcile this particular issue.

She's clearly enraged at the moment - something must be up.

Absence of the kids at camp (all three are away for a month)?
Imminent wedding?
Financial strain (maybe due to the wedding)?

Who knows.

After I posted yesterday, I received another email, this time asking if I'd consider a change in custody - to give her more time.   Who sends flaming emails as a prelude to negotation?  A pwBPD, that's who.

I perceive a connection between money and parenting time behind all of this.

I don't feel like I can completely ignore it, but not sure how to address it - other than as a concisely as possible.

Strictly following the agreement yields "oh, so you want to change the rules?" - i.e., complete distortion/reframing/projection. 

Ugh.

And for avoidance of doubt - No, I don't want to change the parenting plan.

[kells76]

I'm concerned about how to pay for extra curriculars because I can't fully cover it while also paying child support - many would be shocked to know what I pay in weekly CS...   

Do you pay 100% of extracurriculars? If not, how does it look: you pay 50% to her then she pays the group 100% (hers plus yours), she pays you 50% then you pay the group 100%, both of you independently pay the group, something else...?

Maybe start putting some feelers out for work trade, volunteering trade, etc. Kids may have to volunteer a bit too.

Boilerplate rules for divorce are that you don't talk to the kids about money/child support/etc, but these aren't boilerplate divorces so sometimes you do end up having those financial talks with the kids earlier than you wanted to.

I think if you do end up needing to talk with the kids about finances/extracurriculars, you can frame the conversation in a way where you're still in the driver's seat with your hands on the wheel, versus "finances are out of control for me as an adult, and I need a child's help to survive".

More like: OK, you kids are getting older and want more privileges/freedom, so part of that is you get to see the budget and give your feedback (do you have Mint or some app like that with good visuals?). Here's income, and here are the expense categories. We have to pay for housing first, then utilities, then cars, then food. That leaves X amount for clothes and Y amount for extracurriculars. Right now we can cover 100% of housing, utilities, cars, and food, so we're good there. Let's look at the numbers, looks like if we spend X on clothes then we have 80% of what we need for extracurriculars. Right now I'm thinking we do ABC but if you have other suggestions I'll think about those too. What's your feedback, what ideas would you have to cover that.

If I were doing that approach, I'd go into it with at least one solution already in mind, so that the kids don't feel like it's all on them.

It's not the greatest option but it might have some upsides -- sometimes kids in your kids' age range do well when they're "brought to the table" and have their ideas treated seriously. If they have skin in the game with budget reallocations they might feel more ownership. Obviously they don't get to decide about changing housing, not paying utilities, etc, but maybe they'll decide "I'm OK with not doing X or not buying Y if it means I can do Z".

...

After I posted yesterday, I received another email, this time asking if I'd consider a change in custody - to give her more time.   Who sends flaming emails as a prelude to negotation?  A pwBPD, that's who.

I perceive a connection between money and parenting time behind all of this.

I don't feel like I can completely ignore it, but not sure how to address it - other than as a concisely as possible.

Strictly following the agreement yields "oh, so you want to change the rules?" - i.e., complete distortion/reframing/projection. 

How do you think it would go to reply "thanks for the thoughts; let's keep it as is for now. Best; EyesUp" or something?

[EyesUp]

Thanks, Kells.

I use Greenlight with the kids, but will prob switch sometime soonish.  Mint is a good idea, thanks.

The bigger issues are how to communicate at any level.  To put things in context, I pay > $1k/week in child support.  To get stonewalled on quarterly reconciliations on expenses that our divorce agreement states are to be split is frustrating, but not the end of the world.  Yes, it's a violation, but it's not worth filing a motion over.  

This becomes more problematic with services like driver's ed ($$), summer camp ($$$), or a neuropsych eval ($$$$).

About a month ago, uBPDxw sent an email stating that if I didn't agree to split the cost of a private pay therapist ($350/hr) and neuropsych eval - that she selected - she would file a motion of contempt.  I took a breath, waited a week, and then responded "no, I have insurance and intend to use it.  If you want to proceed with out of network providers, that will be entirely your expense..." - no acknowledgement, no response.  

So I'm left hunting for in-network providers, then trying to align with my ex (joint decision making) to move forward, and then eventually reconciling fees, co-pays, etc etc.

I was originally the guarantor for all three kids with our PCP, but you know who changed it for D16...  So I get the bills because D16 is on my plan, but it's unclear what if anything uBPDxw has paid.  And communicating is never easy.  What should be "hey, did you get this one, or do you want me to take it?" turns into...  something else.  Of course it's all documented.

I haven't had much luck putting skills to use to get simple stuff done.  And then she lays on things like "you're a terrible parent, everyone knows it, have you considered giving me and my fiance more parenting time?" - while simultaneously complaining about parenting time, and asking for a "parenting fee" for times when she unilaterally agreed to transition early for D16 when the two younger kids remained with me (eyeroll emoji).

Not easy to tell D16 "you may not go to mom's" without opening yet another battlefront.  Also well documented that D16 and mom communicate about schedule exceptions without talking to me...  it's always a fait accompli.   And then she wants to impose a parenting fee?  I'm sure the judge would find that interesting...   be my guest, file the motion!

In the meantime, I'm unfortunately trying to manage the circus which means I might be a clown...  I really don't see how to step out of this situation - without giving her what she wants, of course.

[Skip]

The best way to deal with a drama triangle is to filter every communication (or have someone filter it for you) to mine out legitimate questions. Rephrase them the way a mature person would have asked and then respond to that.

Let the chafe fall to the floor.

Did I understand correctly that your current agreement is more generous in your child support than the state requires?

If so, a DT response would look like this...

Sometimes having a third party do this helps, especially in the beginning.

Example: "We're going to file a motion to get more kid time and collect a parenting fee, you pile of horse vomit. BTW, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries"
Rephrased: "We have been looking at the expense sharing, and given all the changes, we wonder if we should re-work it."
Response: I agree. A lot has changed (is changing), and we should re-look at the expense arrangement both ways. When convenient, send your attorney's contact information, and I'll get right on it. I'll still continue to pay under the current agreement until it is changed (attached).

I'm not suggesting you do this... just painting a picture.

Why does D16 prefer to be with her mother?

When is D16's birthday? Have you ever written her a love letter? There are a number of non-profits that can coach you through this. This is not about getting her to do anything but rather about making it clear how important she and her well-being are to you.

[EyesUp]

Thanks, Skip.

Great advice, as usual - appreciated.

To answer a couple of the questions:

Nothing has changed, except...
- uBPDxw is getting married in a month
- xw's fiance is suddenly in on the act
- D16 turned 16 at the end of June, she's presently away on a service program until early August

Have I written my daughter a love letter?  I've written her a number of times over the past two years to express how much she means to me, to let her know that I'll always be here for her, and even to apologize for the divorce - we're at a point where she rejects or ignores pretty much everything.

Why does she want to be at her mom's?  At risk of simplifying, it's either typical teen girl stuff, alienation, or possibly internalizing some of her mom's behaviors.  Most recently, D16's T asked if I think mom is a covert narcissist...   My feeling is that the rejection is more than just teenager "phase" stuff and can be attributed to an ongoing campaign from uBPDxw that predates the divorce in early '22, but really ramped up immediately after the divorce...

I've written a bit about it here, with a lot of good input from Kells and others:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357039.msg13213281#msg13213281

So another factor may be that D16 does not want to spend any more time at my house when she returns in Aug, and is putting pressure on mom to do something about it.

So far, things with D13 and D9 are good, although they are sometimes confused or unsettled when D16 leaves a day early...  I'm super apprehensive that the alienation train has left the station and will pick up speed after the wedding and all kids are home from camp, etc., in Aug.

i.e., the various provocations are intended to get me to react in someway that helps to justify whatever action she/they hope to take re: parenting schedule.

Finally, yes, I do pay more in CS than required by guidelines because uBPDxw makes more, and I make less, than when the agreement was signed.  If either of filed a motion, support would be recalc'd based on the guidelines and I would most likely pay less - even if the time split was adjusted to 66 mom /33 dad.  I have a hunch uBPDxw might pipe down if she realizes that there's no money to be had in a schedule change...  I've already heard about how unfair the courts are to women a few times (of course we live in a state that's known to be exceedingly friendly to moms and hostile to dads)... 

[Skip]

It's good that you wrote those letters. In time, she will fully embrace them. Maybe not when she is 16. Blaise Aguirre once posed the question, " What is the difference between a normal 16-year-old and one with BPD?" and then posited, "nothing."

Finally, yes, I do pay more in CS than required by guidelines because uBPDxw makes more, and I make less, than when the agreement was signed.  If either of filed a motion, support would be recalc'd based on the guidelines and I would most likely pay less - even if the time split was adjusted to 66 mom /33 dad.  I have a hunch uBPDxw might pipe down if she realizes that there's no money to be had in a schedule change...  

This is the change I was getting at. Also, if hubby reduces her expenses (e.g., paying housing expenses), that might also be in your favor. You can give her what she is asking for. Putting the ball in her court to get an attorney and explore her options and get back with you. If she actually survives that and still wants to go, then get your attorney involved.

You can be cooperating and constructive.

The idea of redoing the agreement will probably crumble on it own weight.

It's really hard to stay steady in the face of attacks on your integrity in front of your girls. Stay steady. Play the long game.  

[EyesUp]

The wedding was yesterday.

I'm coming back to this post because an interesting thing happened as I transitioned the kids to my exMIL to go to the wedding.  Some context:  The wedding occurred during my scheduled parenting time, so we agreed to trade some days this past week for next week... hence the exMIL transition - something we haven't done before.

I gather that just prior to the transition, exMIL texted D16 to confirm that D9 had packed a dress.  D16 had a near panic attack because she could not find the dress.  D16 said the dress was supposed to be in particular bag, so we checked that bag.  Then we checked D9's room.  When exMIL arrived a few minutes later, D16 was in meltdown.  It only took a moment, but we found the dress in another bag that her mom had packed and instructed her not to unpack prior to the transition.

This was the first time a 3rd party observed D16's behavior at my house. I'm apprehensive that this will get framed or reframed somehow, but in the moment, exMIL indicated that she understood that D16 was not being rational. 

In these moments, it often feels like sabotage - D16 overtly attempting to create some problem or drama to blame me for.  uBPDxw accepts this at face value, so it's interesting to have another live witness, even if that witness is firmly on uBPDxw's "side".   I'm aware that D16's behavior may be related to stress before the wedding, or due to being made responsible for D9 yet again (because of course uBPDxw and exMIL don't ask me to check for the dress that they are responsible for in the first place)...

I'm probably turning a small moment into something larger than it needs to be, but this did feel like something different.

The wedding snuck up on me - While I knew enough to support the kids and to communicate that I'm happy for their mom and new step-father, I realize that I didn't prepare or fully consider if there is more I should do to support them at this time.

I'm also wondering if I should send a gift to the newlyweds.  I occasionally hear about people who have amicable relationships with former spouses and I admit that I wish my situation was more like that.  I continue to take the high road, but I'm not trying to force a situation here.  That said, not sending a gift gives uBPDxw an opportunity to cast me in a negative light, yet again.  And anything I do send will almost certainly be wrong or unwelcome.  Although I'd like to do the right thing, perhaps as added support for the kids. 

And then I think:  It's a mistake.  Don't engage.  Don't feed the fire.

[At Bay]

When our son remarried in 2017, his ex and her husband didn't send a gift as far as I know, and if they didn't, I wouldn't have thought it wrong.

Earlier when his ex remarried, he didn't send a gift to them and no mention was ever made of it as far as I know, again. We're usually kept in the loop by our son as we talk often.

Sorry to hear about the dress problem, and your ex should have emailed you with information about where it was and to keep up with it instead of putting your daughter in that role unnecessarily. My son and his ex don't like each other, but when it comes to making things go smoothly for the kids, they rise to the occasion. Weddings are a different animal.