BPD has defined my life

[mugsydublin]

I've been in desperate situations with a BPD and will likely be in one at some point in the future. Fortunately, I am in a good space at the moment and trying to plan for my own sanity, safety, and space after a harrowing weekend last week in which I had to finally realize that once again my primary relationship is with a BPD.

It was a discouraging moment that made me confront the fact that there truly is something wrong with me that I keep walking right into this. In my first marriage (this is my third) I went through a hell that took me right to the breaking point and put my life at risk. In that marriage, I came to understand that my wife was BPD and that my mother was BPD. I found the books (Love and Loathing and others), pulled myself together, and escaped. There is a detailed story here that I won't get into.

As mentioned, my mother (who currently has dementia and has nearly destroyed my father) is BPD. Our childhood was marked by fear, adrenaline, and anxiety. My siblings and I are all quite damaged from the experience.

Having escaped my BPD marriage, I walked into another marriage--kind of a break from BPD. Took me awhile to understand that she is an NPD. Long story here. In some ways, it was easier because we simply lived separate lives while I raised her daughter. When daughter graduated from college, I was no longer useful for her except for financing her life, and she moved into an apartment (through my financing), and eventually, I was able to leave.

Finally free of these two marriages with people who were incapable of loving me, I thought that I had finally found love and remarried.

I've been with my current wife for seven years. She knows something about my history. There has been a lot of difficulty over the years in terms of the way that she speaks to me (sharply) and her penchant to throw away things that matter to me and picking fights. Not really knowing normal, I guess, I compared her to previous relationships and figured that she had some issues, but was not necessarily BPD.

Also, early in our relationship, while we were still in a bit of the honeymoon phase, she was diagnosed with cancer, and I spent a couple of years devoting myself to her care. No matter who you are cancer is devastating, and she truly went through hell. Almost died twice. Throughout, I juggled finances, shirked a lot of other responsibilities and put her first. Staying with her in the hospital, feeding her, cleaning her, being there. The after effects of cancer have also been really difficult.

So in all of that, I gave my wife a much-needed pass for the way that she spoke to me, the disrespect, etc. But now that she is getting better, the constant petty abuse is becoming more apparent. Those crazy gaslighting obsessions about a spot of coffee on the floor and the demand that I comply and tell her that black is white. I've been busy getting my professional life back on track, going into the office instead of working from home, so I have tried to keep that at the periphery as much as possible. My focus on my work has had the effect of compelling her to pick more fights and present tests for me to verify that she is in charge.

I have not mentioned that her adult son lives with us and is a total wreck. She yells at him and he yells back and tells her that he wishes she would die. It has not been fun or easy.

Last weekend the fighting with her son resulted in him threatening suicide and running out of the house barefoot--with me then driving around looking for him.

In the midst of this, she is yelling at me that both of us are against her and that I think that she's a bitch. Using that coffee spot as her pretext, yelling at me that I don't have her back. Then going into her late husband and at least she had love from him.

That is a lot of PLEASE READ to ask me to hold. And, finally, I understood that, yes, once again I walked right into a BPD relationship. I chose this. It is a discouraging realization.

I am 62. My wife is not in a position to stand on her own.

Also, after decades of therapy, I no longer think of myself as a totally worthless person. So I have tactics for protecting myself--although I am well aware that BPD will wear you down.

At the moment, my plan is to tread water and take a few actions to protect myself rather than follow my (probably correct) instinct to get the hell out.

Part of that plan involves finding support, knowing that I cannot get support from my wife and that I will never get the love that I would like from her. There is a family legacy here. I talked to my brother yesterday. He has had a similar life, and it is likely at this point that neither of us will get love from a romantic partner. But we can get love from each other and from friends. And that is just where I am not.

Obviously, this is the tip of the iceberg. But I need to have lifelines outside of the marriage to maintain my sanity.

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi mugsydublin and

You're not alone in joining here in the middle of a desperate situation. I did, too, about 9 years ago.

You're also not alone in realizing that there usually isn't just one pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life. The roots of that often go back to our family of origin experiences, where we were "taught" to feel comfortable around dysfunction and to associate those feelings with "well, this is what family feels like".

We do have different boards with different focuses here (where you'll get pretty different feedback), so let me make sure I'm tracking with where you're at.

I've been in desperate situations with a BPD and will likely be in one at some point in the future. Fortunately, I am in a good space at the moment and trying to plan for my own sanity, safety, and space after a harrowing weekend last week in which I had to finally realize that once again my primary relationship is with a BPD.

At the moment, my plan is to tread water and take a few actions to protect myself rather than follow my (probably correct) instinct to get the hell out.

It sounds like you're conflicted about staying in the relationship? Kind of a "if a few things were different, I'd be out of here" place -- is that close?

[mugsydublin]

Honestly, I would be out if she were not still dealing with the aftermath of cancer and had better finances. Trying to work out my red line.

Also, we are both in our 60s, and I suspect that her BPD has diminished to some extent. What I most recently experienced was triggered, I think, by the fact that I went on a one-month work trip. The day-to-day is fatiguing and low-level abusive. I'm just not affected by it as I once was. The full blowing splitting happened around my work trip. So I am thinking about how to anticipate and cope with triggers.

Thanks for your comments.

[kells76]

Honestly, I would be out if she were not still dealing with the aftermath of cancer and had better finances. Trying to work out my red line.

OK, that's helpful to know -- thanks for filling in some background.

My thought is that it's going to be really important not to allow yourself to grow resentment on your side.

Sometimes we think of relationships as things being done to us.

"I'd leave except then who would take care of her? I have to stay or she _____________. It's not like I can just walk away".

Then it turns into a "worst of both worlds" situation -- you feel trapped ("If she had made better financial choices we wouldn't be here") and she senses that you feel trapped and responds accordingly.

No matter what you end up choosing to do -- and you are a choicemaker here -- I wonder what might happen in the dynamic if you had a mindset of: "no matter what's going on in her life, I'm the one in control of me staying or ending the relationship -- and right now I choose to stay and throw my weight behind improvement".

Like you said, you're in control of finding (and/or defining) your "this is too much" red line; until then, though, the worst possible situation is staying without working the tools. You might find that things improve enough, based only on changes on your end, to make it a more livable life for you. That would be such a blessing. Or, you might find that you feel you did everything in your power, but it still isn't a relationship that's coherent with your values. That's OK too.

One of the challenges -- and gifts -- of the bettering board is pushing each other out of the "things happen to me" mindset and into a more active place of taking responsibility for what is under our control. Hard stuff... good stuff.

It's also fine to check out our "Conflicted" board; the focus there will be more on legal logistics, separation/divorce/custody, and/or being in a place of not quite being ready to practice tools and skills. I'm usually posting there because of my husband's kids' mom (divorce situation). Just know that each board has a very different culture and focus.

...

Going back to details here:

we are both in our 60s, and I suspect that her BPD has diminished to some extent. What I most recently experienced was triggered, I think, by the fact that I went on a one-month work trip. The day-to-day is fatiguing and low-level abusive. I'm just not affected by it as I once was. The full blowing splitting happened around my work trip. So I am thinking about how to anticipate and cope with triggers.

How often do you have work trips that long? Even for me (a "generally normal" person) it would be rough having H gone for a month.

Are you back from the trip? How did she respond when you returned?

And am I tracking with you that it's the "big" stuff that you would most like some help with? Or are you curious about different approaches to the day-to-day, too?

[CC43]

Dublin,

I really feel for you.  You must be exhausted.  Helping a loved one through cancer is grueling, emotionally and physically.  I've lived that with two loved ones recently.  Everyone's nerves are raw.  And you're just trying to hold it together while doing a full-time job.  That alone is tough, and if you add to all that BPD, it's no wonder you're a wreck.

One observation I have is that your wife's adult son is living with you.  Based on your age, I'm guessing that the son should be independent by now.  That he's living with you and threatening suicide sounds like there's a possibility he has BPD too.  I've been in the same situation:  my husband's adult daughter with BPD was living with us, sleeping all day and threatening suicide whenever she didn't get what she wanted (and attempting suicide as well).  As you can imagine, the tension in the household was high, and nerves were frayed.  I felt we were constantly on suicide watch.  My husband, who does not have BPD, was having a very hard time seeing his beloved daughter in such distress.  I was too.  But what happened?  In a nutshell, my husband took all the stress and ill feelings out on me.  He criticized my every move, and if I didn't move, then he would accuse me of smirking, or looking the wrong way, or breathing too loudly.  He yelled at me, criticized me and tried to control me.  I felt he was surveilling me and persecuting me.  It took me a couple of years to realize that he was just taking his stress out on me.  He was telling me some things that should have been directed at his daughter.  But he couldn't, because she would self-destruct.  So I became the scapegoat.

Now I'm not saying your wife doesn't have BPD.  I'm just asking the question, given the tough recovery from cancer, and the fact that her son isn't "adulting," maybe she's under so much stress that she's out of sorts?  Might she feel that you are judging her son harshly, and passing judgment about her parenting?  If you are critical of her son, are you indirectly being critical of her, and she can't handle it?  It sounds to me like maybe you could all use some family therapy.  And maybe you could use a break.  I don't know about you, but at one point I looked forward to Mondays, so I could go to the office and get some work done, because my home life was too unstable and negative.

I guess the upshot is, with a BPD diagnosis and lots of treatment, things are much better now.  I wouldn't say it's completely normal, but at least we're on the right track.  I now feel I'm not on suicide watch anymore, and my husband is much calmer and more pleasant, more like his old self again.  Of course we have arguments, but they seem to be more rational now.  Even if we get into a heated argument, we get back to baseline pretty quickly.  I'm just saying that when the stress levels in the household are high, it's hard to keep things together.  I would cope by exercising and getting outside every week, no matter what.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi mugsydublin

Your post resonated for me because my BPD husband had surgery last week and I have been acting as his caretaker, even though we are not currently living together. I was dreading it for all the reasons you describe - the petty abuse, the put-downs and disrespect, all of which I would have to let go because he was unwell. But I made a conscious decision that I would help him out, just for one week. Then we would go back to our own separate lives.

To his credit, he was brave and cheerful most of the time, and we actually had a pretty good week. But this was only because I dedicated myself 100 percent to his needs. I drove him to the hospital, stayed on site until he was discharged, stood in line at the pharmacy for his meds, drove him back to my apartment for a few days, prepared his meals, washed his clothes, planned a week's menu that he could cook for himself when he went home, did all the shopping and sent him home with all the food he needed. He thanked me profusely and praised me for how amazing I'd been, but I couldn't enjoy his praise because I just knew that it wouldn't last.

At the end of the week, I was totally exhausted and said that now he was back on his feet, I needed some time to myself. Immediately, the sniping has begun again. "I'm boring you." "You're glad to be rid of me." "You don't love me really."

Our relationship only "works" when I dedicate myself to him 100 per cent of the time. The problem is that I burn out, and me burning out looks like withdrawal or abandonment to him, so then the fireworks begin.

I need to move away from being his full-time caretaker (there is no real reason why he can't look after himself), and I don't know what that will mean for the relationship long-term.

[jaded7]

I've been in desperate situations with a BPD and will likely be in one at some point in the future. Fortunately, I am in a good space at the moment and trying to plan for my own sanity, safety, and space after a harrowing weekend last week in which I had to finally realize that once again my primary relationship is with a BPD.

It was a discouraging moment that made me confront the fact that there truly is something wrong with me that I keep walking right into this. In my first marriage (this is my third) I went through a hell that took me right to the breaking point and put my life at risk. In that marriage, I came to understand that my wife was BPD and that my mother was BPD. I found the books (Love and Loathing and others), pulled myself together, and escaped. There is a detailed story here that I won't get into.

As mentioned, my mother (who currently has dementia and has nearly destroyed my father) is BPD. Our childhood was marked by fear, adrenaline, and anxiety. My siblings and I are all quite damaged from the experience.

Thanks.

In my therapy at the beginning of this attachment shattering nightmare for me, my therapist told me "this is a developmental issue".

I didn't really understand why that meant, but in my reading and video watching and learning here, I've come to understand that my deep, deep attachment to my ex was/is related to a family upbringing that was not particularly great.

You mention your Mom has BPD and has nearly destroyed your Dad. You were brought up in this environment. It was the air all around you, when you were developing attachments to your mother and father, and you witnessed your father tolerating all the chaos and abuse.

We are born with a primal need to attach to the primary caregiver, usually our Mom. We will attach to Moms that are disordered or non-disordered, it doesn't matter. We HAVE to attach, and they to us in ideal situations. It's hard-wired into us because it is how a young and helpless child survives. In the process, we learn how to love and how to be loved.

It is clear to me that my deep attachment to me ex is related to how her love for me manifested, it stirred very deep attachment wounds in me. My Mom was cold and unaffectionate- my ex was cold and unaffectionate. My Mom didn't accept me for who I was as a person- my ex didn't accept me for who I was as a person (constant criticisms and put down, contempt, not doing things 'right', not interested enough in the right things, etc). My Mom tried to change me when I was young- my ex tried to change me (not that I was doing anything bad). My Mom was very rigid and fearful- my ex was rigid and fearful.

With both, I tried to be 'better'. With my ex I became fearful when she would get 'mad' at me, I allowed her to yell at me and put me down. I allowed her to belittle me.

I allowed this because I was both afraid of losing her AND because I felt sorry for her that she was so confused and scared, seemed so fragile. Like with my Mom, I thought that this is her and I can just accept this because, after all, she says she loves me.

We can often re-enact the love of our family of origin in our adult relationships. The part from your post I quoted above reminds me very much of all of this. These attachments are real and very, very deep.

You've been in multiple relationships like this, which is a clue of some kind. It's not a criticism, I've had to look at this myself.