Meanwhile, my wife has gone into these incomprehensible interrogations about small things that I don't understand. She claims to have told me things that I have no recollection of her talking about. Example, the fact that I had my shoes on a shelf. She says that she told me that she does not want to see shoes when she is brushing her teeth and that she has told me over and over again and that the fact that I did not move them shows that I don't have her back. I honestly do not recall her saying it once until the moment that she blew up about it.
This is driving me crazy. As mentioned before, I nurtured her through cancer--spending many nights with her in the hospital. Paying the bills. But the fact that I did not move my shoes shows that I don't love her.
An earlier version of myself would not see just how crazy this is.
I know you are feeling a great deal of stress, I hope you are able to get some relief today.
Just commenting on this, oh my gosh. It sounds so very familiar, and of course adds to your stress. Trying to capture what's happening here:
interrogations: sharp, rapid questions that come from a place of power-over, often with no 'right' answer since they intended to corner us; demanding and presumptuous. Our partners need to be in the power-over position and believe they have the right to diminish us with the interrogations. Experienced this a lot myself, and wondered why and how she came to think this was ok. I never would have approached her in this way, because I don't want her to feel cornerned, or bad in any way, and this type of questioning makes a person feel bad.
about things you don't understand, don't remember her mentioning before. gaslighting, which creates a great deal of confusion. And if you say you don't remember this, then it is your memory that is the problem.
told you over and over again: taking it to extremes, gaslighting. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But over and over again is similar to "you always __________!" which is a form of abusive relating. Leaves no room for understanding.
shoes on a shelf when she brushes her teeth: highly specific and hard to predict, which creates a walking on eggshells feeling.
...and finally
means you don't have her back/don't show up for her: this was the real purpose of all of this, and also the real source. She believes you don't have her back, needs to believe this, and needs you to feel bad for not having her back. Nothing else matters in the moment, not that you took care of her for a long time in really challenging situations, not that you paid a ton of money for her health care. None of this matters in the moment, the feeling is a fact- you don't have her back.
No amount of explaining or defending ourselves in these situations will work. You probably already know this.
Been there with all of this, it's so shockingly similar to what I've experienced, with the details changed. My last communication with my ex she told me 'she needed someone who shows up for her". I did every single thing she ever asked me to do, went to every single event she wanted me to come to, would drop everything for her when she needed to talk or have me help her with something. She, on the other hand, came to precisely zero events I asked her to, trips I invited her on, parties I wanted to have, brewpubs I wanted to visit, social events at my business, record stores and bike rides and .....nothing, not once. No, every time. Often with mocking me or the event or my friends or my business.
Just sharing to give you some validation and support.
