Elderly BPD mom

[mugsydublin]

Circumstances in my life have brought back into close contact with BPD (marriage). But that's for the other thread.

I spent decades in therapy dissecting my relationship with my BPD mother and building my confidence and self-esteem. My family of origin is a wreck. We are all broken. One sister (out of six of us) seems to have gotten the BPD, but I am not in good contact with her, so I can only speculate based on growing up with her, living with her as an adult, and the times we interact every few years.

I have three brothers. All of us have married BPDs or been in primary relationships with one. My gay brother is in an abusive long term relationship.

The legacy. And as I always say, my mother's mother was a real piece of work, so this goes back at least three generations.

My mother hasn't bathed in three years. Has lost most of her teeth due to eating candy all the time. Is obese. Treats my dad like crap. Refuses to go to the doctors.

And now she has been diagnosed with dementia. I'm not sure how to process this. It has put even more strain on my father.

One thing that is striking is that everyone is rallying around our dad, who is a truly kind a decent person.

I want to say that I feel guilty that I have zero feelings for my mother. Intellectually, I know that she has had a miserable life and never intended to be such a hateful person. Intellectually, I have compassion. But I don't feel it. And I am afraid to open up all of the pain in my heart that she has caused me. I have done such a good job of walling that off and letting go of expectations. Other people have mothers whom they feel close to. I do not.

Anyway, going to visit later this summer, and do not want to stay with them, but I need to provide support for my dad. He was truly there for us as kids.

No questions. Just thoughts about part of what I am going through. (The fact that my wife is splitting me at the moment is not particularly helpful.)

[zachira]

You are far from alone in the circumstances that bring you here. Many members on this site have a mother with BPD and other disordered family members while often having to stay in contact with the family for different reasons. We have several members with a mother with BPD and a father enabling her who by himself can be a loving father. So many of us struggle with how to maintain a relationship with our father and other family members while wanting to distance ourselves from our mother with BPD who has been/is a very destructive influence in the lives of her children and other family members. The pain of inherited and/or environmental intergenerational mental illness in a family is overwhelming. We are here to support you. Let us know what you need.

[Notwendy]

I think your family is an example ( and it's a common occurence) of how family dysfunction can be intergenerational.

Even if family dynamics are dysfunctional- for a child who grows up with this situation- this is their "normal". They don't experience any other family dynamic. Even if it is extreme- my BPD mother's behavior was extreme- we knew it wasn't "normal"- we didn't have the experience of what "normal" is.

As children, we learn certain behaviors that are "functional" in our family dynamics- such as walking on eggshells around a disordered family member, or tolerating/enabling their behavior. When we become adults, these behavior may contribute to our matching up with another disordered person as the pattern feels familiar to both.

The better news is- if we are not disordered ourselves- and these are learned behaviors- we can "unlearn" them and learn new more functional ones. This can take some work through counseling, 12 step groups. We may not  "see" our own behaviors as contributing to issues if we perceived them as "normal" so it can take a counselor or sponsor to show them to us.

What would be the purpose of exploring our family of origin issues? Not to blame our parents. They may be carrying on with behaviors they learned in their own families of origin. Whatever happened or whatever they did- they did what they knew at the time.

Some reasons- if we understand the dynamics we grew up with, it might help us identify what we want to change about ourselves. If we can perceive our parents as children themselves being subjected to disordered behavior- we may be able to let go of resentments- which benefits us. If we aren't "no contact" with our parents, doing our own work can help us to relate to them. Gaining any relationship tools helps with all relationships- if we do the work, we keep the skill, whether we learn it with any person.

I also was more emotionally bonded to my father than my BPD mother. People who don't have disordered mothers can't comprehend that experience. They may judge you according to their expectations and experiences. If you can establish your own moral code when relating to your mother, and treat her according to what you feel is as respectful as possible, without enabling her to be abusive to you. you can hopefully let go of guilt for not loving her according to expectations.

I stopped staying with my parents when I visited. I need to have my own space when visiting them. Visiting and being able to go back to my own space helped me to manage the visits better. During visits, I try to avoid conflict. I find myself walking on eggshells and complying. Over a short visit, it seems better to me to just keep the visit smooth as possible.

It's good that you can be supportive to your father and appreciate what he has done for you. Perhaps being around your mother will give you insight to your current situation with your wife. I agree- don't bring up the emotional past with your mother. That is something that may be appropriate for therapy.

[Notwendy]

I looked at some of your other posts- on the relationship board- and I also will share something I didn't realize until I did a lot of work on my own co-dependent behaviors. It took me a while to comprehend that these were dysfunctional because they were the "normal" in my family. I perceived my BPD mother as the one with the problem, and my father as the "good guy" and somehow a victim of my mother's behavior. When I began to see my own co-dependent behaviors- I also understood that my father also had a role in their dynamics. This isn't to blame or be critical- he was the parent who did so much for the family.

As children, our parents are our primary role models. My BPD mother's behavior was very disordered- I knew I didn't want to behave like her. Seeing Dad as the better example of how to behave- he became my role model. Much of it good- role modeling how to behave, valued education- and along with that, the enabling, walking on eggshells- behaviors that helped me as a child in my own family but not as an adult.

From reading your other posts- it seems your situation is similar to your father's. It makes sense- he is your role model, and your example of what it is to be a man and in an adult relationship. Seems he is a pretty good guy- my father was and it seems you are too- trying to do your best with your family in a challenging situation.  I used to wonder why my father tolerated how my mother behaved but I was also seeing their situation from a simplistic view as if she is the "problem" not my father.

It's possible that your upcoming visit will be an opportunity to observe both parents and bring you some insights.

[mugsydublin]

Thanks for those thoughts, NotWendy. I am now in my 60s and still dealing with the effects of BPD. I think that I get a little better myself every time I confront it. It will be worth spending time with my dad. I have been trying to call him more often so that he has a lifeline outside of the house.

[So Stressed]

What appears to have gone on for you is enmeshment and poor boundaries on the part of your mother. You being a separate individual and becoming independent is perceived by her as a form of abandonment and not meeting her needs, but if you were to not become your own person and only meet her needs, it would be detrimental to yourself.

You need to believe that you aren't doing anything wrong by being an adult on your own. What you are doing is appropriate for your age- regardless of how your mother sees it.

Exactly, Notwendy!  So well said. I sure relate to your comments! In the last 9-10 years, I moved closer to my BPD Mom so I could support her in her old age.  However, I had to set boundaries and maintain a life for myself, too, and that didn't go over very well.  Mom was constantly telling others that I didn't help her or that I was selfish.  I am not sure what else she said, but her friends and neighbors certainly didn't react well to me when we crossed paths, and since I didn't really know them  or interact with them, I could only conclude that Mom had said things to them about me that were not positive.  She also seems to have turned my sibling against me.  I think she did that because she realized that we were communicating with each and she didn't want us talking about her. She needed to be in control.

In the end, Mom moved across 2 states to live in an assisted living facility near my sibling.  My sibling doesn't talk to me and Mom rarely does....only if I call her.  Even though I am aware that we are not likely to ever have a normal family dynamic, I still feel heartbroken that I no longer have a family. It is much better for my health and serenity to have her gone to another state, but it is heartbreaking to be rejected by your own mother.

Mom once told me that if she ever had to choose between her two children (who talks like this?), she would choose my sibling.  She told me this years ago.  What mother even starts a conversation like this?  Maybe she saw Sophie's Choice.  I don't know.  But, the  bottom line is that it is very hurtful to be rejected by your family.

I have been processing this for a year. At first, I was just so burnt out from being on constant call while also trying to work full time, so, I just tried to take care of myself.

Now, I've had a few revelations, such as realizing just how attached I was to her.  I never really separated and became an independent adult.  And, I was constantly trying to please her and make her proud of me. I realize that everything I did had an underlying thought about how she would react.  This is a very sad state to discover now as a senior myself.

Slowly digging myself out from the trauma of a BPD mother and being the scapegoat child.  It's hard and some days I feel really lost and so unloved.