What appears to have gone on for you is enmeshment and poor boundaries on the part of your mother. You being a separate individual and becoming independent is perceived by her as a form of abandonment and not meeting her needs, but if you were to not become your own person and only meet her needs, it would be detrimental to yourself.
You need to believe that you aren't doing anything wrong by being an adult on your own. What you are doing is appropriate for your age- regardless of how your mother sees it.
Exactly, Notwendy! So well said. I sure relate to your comments! In the last 9-10 years, I moved closer to my BPD Mom so I could support her in her old age. However, I had to set boundaries and maintain a life for myself, too, and that didn't go over very well. Mom was constantly telling others that I didn't help her or that I was selfish. I am not sure what else she said, but her friends and neighbors certainly didn't react well to me when we crossed paths, and since I didn't really know them or interact with them, I could only conclude that Mom had said things to them about me that were not positive. She also seems to have turned my sibling against me. I think she did that because she realized that we were communicating with each and she didn't want us talking about her. She needed to be in control.
In the end, Mom moved across 2 states to live in an assisted living facility near my sibling. My sibling doesn't talk to me and Mom rarely does....only if I call her. Even though I am aware that we are not likely to ever have a normal family dynamic, I still feel heartbroken that I no longer have a family. It is much better for my health and serenity to have her gone to another state, but it is heartbreaking to be rejected by your own mother.
Mom once told me that if she ever had to choose between her two children (who talks like this?), she would choose my sibling. She told me this years ago. What mother even starts a conversation like this? Maybe she saw Sophie's Choice. I don't know. But, the bottom line is that it is very hurtful to be rejected by your family.
I have been processing this for a year. At first, I was just so burnt out from being on constant call while also trying to work full time, so, I just tried to take care of myself.
Now, I've had a few revelations, such as realizing just how attached I was to her. I never really separated and became an independent adult. And, I was constantly trying to please her and make her proud of me. I realize that everything I did had an underlying thought about how she would react. This is a very sad state to discover now as a senior myself.
Slowly digging myself out from the trauma of a BPD mother and being the scapegoat child. It's hard and some days I feel really lost and so unloved.