Parent using money

[Swimmy55]

Hi
I did not want to hijack the previous thread on this topic.  I am 61 years old, my Dad is 91 and undiagnosed bpd.  He wants to buy me a car .  I can fully afford to do this on my own and have actually purchased one today.  One thing I am doing is practicing detachment.  I have to separate his reaction from what I am doing for myself, by myself.  Iit's like just carry on and take care of my business.  He will only find out about it when I come over to visit a
nd he sees the car.  I a
m not sure how to handle
 it from there but keeping the focus on myself is part of my plan.
 I hate I am like this at 61 ,
, but better late than
never, right? 
Sometimes we have

to learn how to say ,"
So what".  Just not sure how to deal with the fallout , the pouting, sulking him being insulted.

[chezpeppermint]

Unfortunately, I know all too well what you are talking about. How parents can sadly use money to manipulate, or give a gift that has strings attached to it. You just have to put up emotional boundaries, sorry to say.

If your parent sees the car and starts laying into you, throws a temper tantrum, or other over-the-top behavior, I'd just say something along the lines of, "It was my decision to purchase this vehicle, and I'm sorry you're unhappy about it, but it's a done decision and I'd rather not argue about it." And then change the subject.

If he just doesn't respect that and continues to wail, cry, or pout, it's okay to just walk away. Either go into another room, or whatever you need to do to put physical distance between you and him. Maybe say, "I can't have a productive conversation with you right now, sorry." And then just disengage and walk away. Give him time. And if he just won't calm down? Tell him, "I'm sorry you're upset about this, Dad. I'm going to have to leave now. I love you." And just end the visit.

[Methuen]

Hi Swimmy,

I can relate to your concern about dealing with the fallout including the sulking, pouting and his feeling insulted.

Maybe you've already read my reply on the other thread about the time we declined a cheque from my mom meant to be a contribution to buy a new house.  In today's dollars, it would be worth $50000 to 60000, and we said thanks but no thanks to the gift.  We did it kindly and made sure to include it was because we wanted to earn and pay for that house on our own so we could take pride in it. We also said we wanted her to keep her money to use it for herself as long as she was alive, and assured her we would be grateful for whatever was left that she didn't need.  So we tried to make it about her.  She took it as a "personal rejection of HER", rather than what it was which was declining a generous gift.  Eventually she got over it.  Now 30 years later, she threatens to remove us from the Will.

Your dad will get over it.

I like the way you're going about this.  The car is purchased and at your home already.  When he sees it when you come to visit, there will probably be some reaction.  It will be interesting to hear how that goes.  I hope you post about it.  The rest of us can observe from afar, and learn and reflect.  Keeping the focus on yourself is a good idea. 

It's crazy that we have to put so much thought and strategy and energy into thinking and stressing about something that isn't even on the radar for most people.  Most people would just drive up to their parents with the new car and have a conversation.  But for us, thinking about this is anxiety producing. 

I especially like the "so what" thinking.  I may have to borrow that to use myself.

I would recommend planning to do something special for yourself for a couple of hours after you visit your dad.  For me, it would be a hike in the woods - which always grounds and relaxes me and makes me feel happy again, and helps to bring my nervous system back to baseline.  What can you plan to do for yourself after that visit?

[Swimmy55]

Thank you both.  I am kind of ashamed he still knows how to " hook me " in.  I thank you kindly and will keep you posted!

[chezpeppermint]

Good luck 

[Notwendy]

Thank you both.  I am kind of ashamed he still knows how to " hook me " in.  I thank you kindly and will keep you posted!

He's your parent- and this is a significant person. I think we will always have an emotional response to our parent. I hope that you can be able to accept this part of yourself. Children feel attached to their parent- even if that parent is disordered.

My BPD mother also uses money in a manipulative way- but it can go both ways. She might be overly generous or the other way. I don't accept money from her- and also she doesn't usually offer.

I just see her money as having strings attached and it's better to not accept money from her.

[Swimmy55]

Thanks, All!