we will never be able to have an honest discussion

[Waitinghope]

The thing that bothers me the most, is that I will never be able to tell my ubpd sister how I actualy feel about the way she threats us.  She is so mean to our mother - she ghosts her- my mom continues to try to talk to her. She constantly blames us for abandoning her, but ehe is the one pushing us away, ghosting, whitholding information. She constantly threatens suicide, and ghosts. We are contsantly worried and stressed.
But I cant tell her that I think she should treat us better - she will make herself the victim - she will we are guilting her - or something like that. She is 40 now and you know - she doesnt seem to have changed - in a way she seems worse. I keep hoping that she will change - but I dont think she can.

[Methuen]

I understand your grief at "never being able to have an honest discussion".

That is how I feel about my mother.

I think that hoping your sister can change, is akin to tormenting yourself.  For me, I have let go of expectations of my mother.

My struggle is how to navigate her 88 yr old needs with strong boundaries.

Radical Acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg604907#msg604907

[LonelyOnly77]

The thing that bothers me the most, is that I will never be able to tell my ubpd sister how I actualy feel about the way she threats us.  She is so mean to our mother - she ghosts her- my mom continues to try to talk to her. She constantly blames us for abandoning her, but ehe is the one pushing us away, ghosting, whitholding information. She constantly threatens suicide, and ghosts. We are contsantly worried and stressed.
But I cant tell her that I think she should treat us better - she will make herself the victim - she will we are guilting her - or something like that. She is 40 now and you know - she doesnt seem to have changed - in a way she seems worse. I keep hoping that she will change - but I dont think she can.

I can totally relate. I had to accept that my sister does not love herself, so how can she be expected to love anyone else or treat them well? The only thing she knows is pain and chaos, as that is what she brings into her life constantly with the men she's chosen to date and the few friends she used to have who were completely self-involved. She's stuck in her loop, repeating the same patterns over and over and never learning how to subvert them. It's hard to watch. But I had to accept that these are her choices and they have nothing to do with me. If she wants to ruin her life, it truly is her life to ruin.

[Notwendy]

I think this is one of the more difficult aspects of a relationship- if any relationship were to be possible- with someone with BPD. If someone isn't honest, if it's not possible to have these kinds of discussions, then it limits the relationship.

Even now, at her advanced age, I can't believe what my mother is telling me because she will say things that aren't true. I think a part of this is shame avoidance and also control. If she isn't open with me, she keeps control. She will ask me questions- these are probing questions, to find out if I know something or not. She has an agenda to her conversations with me.

I think there is grief over the realization that these relationships are limited and also some shock when we realize that what we thought the relationship is, may not be what we thought or hoped for. I don't know what my BPD mother thinks she's doing with people but I wonder if it's a game to her to manipulate or it's just who she is due to her BPD but whatever it is, it's a limit to relationships.