Newbie

[Crynangeleyez]

I wanted to introduce myself, I am new here and am looking forward hopefully finding resources along with learning more about BPD so I can best support my S/O.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi and welcome! Glad you found us.

Have you had a chance yet to check out our article library on When a partner/spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder? It's a good general starting place.

How long have the two of you been together? What would you say are some of your biggest challenges?

[PearlsBefore]

I'm sorry your post isn't getting many replies yet - but definitely it helps if you give a bit more information; not knowing whether you guys are teens or seniors, have kids, been together long, etc all help give more specific advice.

Best advice I can give right now is to not let their words hurt you; it may seem impossible but remind yourself their opinions are skewed (you likely wouldn't ask them for life advice, right?) and therefore not of any weight. When they are at their most trying, picture them in a hospital gown shouting those things at you - it's not really "them" or anyone really, it's "the BPD".

[SinisterComplex]

I wanted to introduce myself, I am new here and am looking forward hopefully finding resources along with learning more about BPD so I can best support my S/O.

First, welcome to the fam. You picked a good place to find support. It's not easy to ask for help in the first place and furthermore quite a daunting task sharing and being vulnerable to strangers on the internet. However, I can assure you that you are safe here and we will have your back. Ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want to. No pressure. I would just recommend to share enough so we can all better assist you and point you in the right direction.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Crynangeleyez]

Thank you for responding, I have read quite a few of the links that are provided. I have also been doing research for the past several months. We have been dating for going on 9 months. Unfortunately about 2 months into our relationship he went to prison, he'll be released in 9 months. Our struggles are mostly with trust. He showed signs within the first few weeks of being what I considered a bit off. It didn't take long before he was looking through my phone trying to see if I was up to anything shady. I wasn't, I allowed him to continue to have access to my phone, just too help ease his mind. Accusations of me.Bing unfaithful came shortly thereafter. That's been a repetitive accusation, However, the past six weeks, it has seriously escalated. He makes up stories about what I do and who i'm with, and I believes them. He will take a nugget of truth and turn it into a full blown made up sinerio. I do my best to try to sympathize with him and validate his feelings. I will tell him I will validate the truth, but I cannot validate his assumptions. Because I do not validate his accusations , he now sees me as a lier. He's been devaluing me more and more, and this past week, I walked out of our visit after 20 minutes. I didn't want to spend the next four and a half hours being talked down to and berated. I thinks I made a fool out of him by leaving, And all the inmates now know that I am single because I walked out on him. Phone calls used to be anywhere from 4 to 8 times a day, he's not calling at all some days or I may get 1 or 2 calls. Every time he starts in calls me names and makes horrible assumptions about me I end up hanging the phone up on him. I'm trying to protect myself and not argue with them. I believe this is going to be the end of our relationship. I want so badly for him to get help. There was moments not long ago he was willing two work this out, but this past week has seemed to really taken a downward spiral. I don't want to walk away. I want to be there for him and love him through this. I feel hurt and broken at the moment, not knowing for what the future may hold up for us.

[Crynangeleyez]

Thank you for responding, I have read quite a few of the links that are provided. I have also been doing research for the past several months. We have been dating for going on 9 months. Unfortunately about 2 months into our relationship he went to prison, he'll be released in 9 months. Our struggles are mostly with trust. He showed signs within the first few weeks of being what I considered a bit off. It didn't take long before he was looking through my phone trying to see if I was up to anything shady. I wasn't, I allowed him to continue to have access to my phone, just too help ease his mind. Accusations of me being unfaithful came shortly thereafter. That's been a repetitive accusation or thought of his since.However, the past six weeks, it has seriously escalated. He makes up stories about what I do and who i'm with, and he believes them to be true. He will take a nugget of truth and turn it into a full blown made up sinerio. I do my best to try to sympathize with him and validate his feelings. I will tell him I will validate the truth, but I cannot validate his assumptions. Because I do not validate the made up stories, he now sees me as a lier. He's been devaluing me more and more, and this past week, I walked out of our visit after 20 minutes. I didn't want to spend the next four and a half hours being talked down to and berated. He thinks I made a fool out of him by leaving, and he thinks all the inmates now know that I am single because I walked out on him. Phone calls used to be anywhere from 4 to 8 times a day, he's not calling at all some days or I may get 1 or 2 calls. Once he starts with name calling and demeaning accusation,  I end up hanging the phone up on him. I'm trying to protect myself and not argue with them. I believe this is going to be the end of our relationship. I want so badly for him to get help. There was moments not long ago he was willing to work this out, but this past week has seemed to really taken a downward spiral. I don't want to walk away. I want to be there for him and love him through this. I feel hurt and broken at the moment, not knowing what the future may hold up for us. I just don't know what to say once he starts in, If I don't speak, he thinks I have him on mute and when I do speak all he wants to do is argue. He told me that he thought with him not calling me for a day, that punishment would finally make me be truthful. I tell him I understand that he is going through a lot and that I realize that believes his thoughts to be facts, but there not my reality. He can't seem to get past this idea of who he thinks I am. All the good qualities that he used to see in me, seem to be locked away in a box, and they pop up once here and there. One minute he tells me he can't do this, and the next he tells me not to leave him and he can't live without me. It is such a yo yo emotions, And I feel I am pulled in so many different directions. I am finding myself a bit mentally unstable witappreciated h this push and pull dynamic. Any ideas of how I can communicate better with him and be there for him would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my long winded post

[jaded7]

I wanted to introduce myself, I am new here and am looking forward hopefully finding resources along with learning more about BPD so I can best support my S/O.

I pulled this out of your last post so that it would be more visible to everyone

"I just don't know what to say once he starts in, If I don't speak, he thinks I have him on mute and when I do speak all he wants to do is argue. He told me that he thought with him not calling me for a day, that punishment would finally make me be truthful. I tell him I understand that he is going through a lot and that I realize that believes his thoughts to be facts, but they're not my reality. He can't seem to get past this idea of who he thinks I am. All the good qualities that he used to see in me, seem to be locked away in a box, and they pop up once here and there. One minute he tells me he can't do this, and the next he tells me not to leave him and he can't live without me."

Silent treatment as punishment. To get you to be 'truthful', when you've told him time and time again you are being truthful. So, you experience and feelings are wrong. A very common dynamic, feelings are facts...he feels you are not being truthful and therefore you cannot possibly convince him otherwise. Silent treatment as punishment is abusive.

All the good qualities he used to see in you are locked away in a box. Again, very common. In my experience, I noticed that too. All the good things my partner saw in me somehow vanished, even though nothing had changed on my part. It is confusing. To your point, I even told my ex this.....I reminded her of the great things she texted her friend about me, that I'm the same person she sent her friend the text about. The very same. Her response was 'that's before I knew all this other stuff about you'. So even begging a person to see the good in you doesn't work. She just couldn't give an inch, even when a person is begging them to be kind and see you.

This is all very manipulative and hurtful behavior. I congratulate you on not sitting there and taking the anger and the putdowns. That's a very good sign for your own inner strength and worthiness.