Met a girl...think she may have BPD - help! Been here before!

[mango_flower]

Hi all - thought I had long left this forum, but it appears I may have another person with borderline in my life.  Not sure how to proceed!

Firstly, we met via a mutual friend's death.  Both female, both lesbians.  We have been messaging for months and have an intense "like" for each other but are not a couple.

I will call her A (not her real name).  She started off all about how her exes have always screwed her over, how she can trust nobody.  I'm one of those 100% honest people, so I didn't worry, as people learn pretty quickly I can be trusted.

However, she still doesn't trust me.  Every single thing I say is twisted (especially over messages, it's better in person - though sometimes I'll say something in person which she doesn't say much to, and then a couple of days later I'll get an angry response out of nowhere over message, ranting about what I said?!)

The main red flags for me are her anger when it comes to something over messages - she literally will not argue fairly, she gets an idea in her head and rants about it (we just had an hour long conversation/her shouting over message) about the fact I still live with my ex (who is a good friend now and genuinely nothing there AT ALL, and she is moving out by October anyway).  A was ranting and ranting about how I'm a mug for wanting to split the house 50/50 with my ex, even though it's in my name (in my head that's fair, we have always paid half each).  I stayed calm, rational and explained my view, but just got nastiness back and insults about how stupid I am.  

I asked questions like "why does this bother you?  It's my past, I'll sort it" - we're not even together! but there was no response to my questions, just more ranting about how I'm a mug...it's like she goes off on a tangent and can't see the wood from the trees.  Inappropriate anger - check.

She blows hot and cold.  Sometimes really lovey, sometimes distant.  Huge mood swings.  Check.

However, she says she likes being on her own - an introvert - which makes me think it's maybe not BPD?  She has also had a 15 year relationship so clearly not the pattern of unstable relationships.

The weird thing is, when I see her in person and mention messages, she looks confused like she doesn't remember some of it?  And concedes "Yeah I'm a dick, you should just walk away"

 I feel like there are some borderline traits, but some of it is just bizarre - e.g. today (before our argument) I had said "fancy a hike on weds? It's supposed to be nice weather - could go to get food afterwards?" - after our argument, she responded to that message saying "No - this is bribery. I'll eat what I want when I want". Really bizarre and childlike (plus not sure where bribery came in - I was simply suggesting a nice day out!)

Anyway so a couple of questions (if you're still reading!) -
1. Does this sound like BPD or does something else jump to mind?
2. How do I respond to her to calm her down and stop the cycle of ranting and misinterpreting everything?  I'm tired of it but see a lot of good in her and if this is all due to her previous relationships screwing her over, then I want to be a support to her.

Thank you in advance!

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[mango_flower]

Forgot to add - the first time I started thinking things weren't quite right was because she kicked off (over messages, again a few days later) because she had talked about getting me a gift she thought I'd like, and I apparently "didn't make the right facial expression and looked disgusted".

Firstly, to mention, I am autistic (just on the border for diagnosis, but was given the label) so my face doesn't always match what I'm feeling. I'm notoriously awkward when it comes to gifts, never know how to respond, hate birthday parties etc - it wasn't personal!

Secondly, it was an intimate gift and I just felt awkward and didn't know what to say.  I did like the idea of it but my face just kind of froze!  She said nothing at the time and I thought the rest of the evening was nice, we laughed etc...but it seems like she went home and ruminated on it...again, is this characteristic of BPD?

[kells76]

Welcome back, mango_flower -- glad we can keep supporting you!

I think whatever's going on with your friend, whatever it might be labeled or diagnosed as, the bigger issue is what you think about those traits and behaviors. How does it all impact you, and most importantly, is it something you want to allow into your life? Some of the negative aspects are that she's unpredictable, hard to pin down, not always straightforward, and verbally volatile. You get to decide if you are OK with being friends (ranging anywhere from "passing acquaintance" through "deeply connected") with someone with those attributes.

An analogy might be that you're standing inside your home behind the front door, and something or someone is on the outside. You get to choose how much you open that door to whatever's out there. For example, if there's a severe rainstorm outside, you get to choose if you keep the door fully closed, open it a crack, or open it all the way. Some people are OK with getting rain in their house, some aren't, but everyone gets to choose how much they let in.

It is also OK, and maybe even better, to separate out if (or how much) you want to be friends with her, from your feelings of wanting to support and help her. The order of operations might be better as: first, befriend someone for who they currently are. Then, if they need help later, there is a solid foundation. It does not seem as stable to have "I need to support her" as part of the foundation of friendship, if that makes sense.

One final thought about this question:

How do I respond to her to calm her down and stop the cycle of ranting and misinterpreting everything?

A common misconception is that we need to do something to help pwBPD with their feelings. I don't think it quite works that way. Everyone's feelings are their own responsibility to manage -- even when that person doesn't have great skills. A pwBPD is just as responsible for managing her feelings as I am for mine, and you are for yours. Taking the position that "I have to calm her down" is still enabling and overfunctioning for the pwBPD.

Of course, we don't want to make things worse -- it isn't helpful to announce to a pwBPD "I'm not going to engage with you because I'm not responsible for your feelings." That's just escalating.

What we can do is lovingly step back while the pwBPD is having unmanaged emotions, to allow them space and time to practice self-soothing and regulating themselves.

I wonder how it would go if when she starts ranting in messages, if you chose not to respond to those messages? Or, if you kept your response neutral and focused on what you needed: "I have to go take a shower and do some chores; I will be able to check your messages again in 4 hours".

...

P.S. introvert vs extrovert, and length of relationships, aren't diagnostic criteria for BPD, so I wouldn't put too much stock in those either way. She could have BPD and be introverted, or not have BPD and be introverted; there isn't a necessary correlation. Hope that clears it up a bit  

[mango_flower]

Welcome back, mango_flower -- glad we can keep supporting you!

I think whatever's going on with your friend, whatever it might be labeled or diagnosed as, the bigger issue is what you think about those traits and behaviors. How does it all impact you, and most importantly, is it something you want to allow into your life? Some of the negative aspects are that she's unpredictable, hard to pin down, not always straightforward, and verbally volatile. You get to decide if you are OK with being friends (ranging anywhere from "passing acquaintance" through "deeply connected") with someone with those attributes.

An analogy might be that you're standing inside your home behind the front door, and something or someone is on the outside. You get to choose how much you open that door to whatever's out there. For example, if there's a severe rainstorm outside, you get to choose if you keep the door fully closed, open it a crack, or open it all the way. Some people are OK with getting rain in their house, some aren't, but everyone gets to choose how much they let in.

It is also OK, and maybe even better, to separate out if (or how much) you want to be friends with her, from your feelings of wanting to support and help her. The order of operations might be better as: first, befriend someone for who they currently are. Then, if they need help later, there is a solid foundation. It does not seem as stable to have "I need to support her" as part of the foundation of friendship, if that makes sense.

One final thought about this question:

A common misconception is that we need to do something to help pwBPD with their feelings. I don't think it quite works that way. Everyone's feelings are their own responsibility to manage -- even when that person doesn't have great skills. A pwBPD is just as responsible for managing her feelings as I am for mine, and you are for yours. Taking the position that "I have to calm her down" is still enabling and overfunctioning for the pwBPD.

Of course, we don't want to make things worse -- it isn't helpful to announce to a pwBPD "I'm not going to engage with you because I'm not responsible for your feelings." That's just escalating.

What we can do is lovingly step back while the pwBPD is having unmanaged emotions, to allow them space and time to practice self-soothing and regulating themselves.

I wonder how it would go if when she starts ranting in messages, if you chose not to respond to those messages? Or, if you kept your response neutral and focused on what you needed: "I have to go take a shower and do some chores; I will be able to check your messages again in 4 hours".

...

P.S. introvert vs extrovert, and length of relationships, aren't diagnostic criteria for BPD, so I wouldn't put too much stock in those either way. She could have BPD and be introverted, or not have BPD and be introverted; there isn't a necessary correlation. Hope that clears it up a bit  

Thank you so much! So much to think about here...my brain is pickled! Thank you for the detailed reply.