Why they are so cruel?

[Stefano94]

I was in a 3-year relationship with this girl. We moved in together in just a few days after we met, and she showered me with love and compliments every day. However, after a few weeks, she began exhibiting strange behaviors. She would hurl insults at me, and if I responded in kind, she would manipulate the situation to make me seem like the monster. She physically abused me, hurled racist insults, and compared my genitals to those of her ex-partners.

She isolated me from my friends and created conflicts with my family due to her poor behavior towards them. She was jealous of many of my female friends and colleagues, and she had a constant fear that I might cheat on her, to the point of exhibiting self-harming behaviors if I returned home even a few minutes late from work or if I couldn't answer her calls while working. She often told me about how her ex-partners had mistreated her, even claiming they had been abusive, though she never reported it.

When I experienced a loss, I asked her to be there for me, but she went back to her family's home and constantly tried to pick fights, saying hurtful things to provoke me. If I responded, she would block me for days, always accusing me of going out secretly when I was depressed in bed, when it was actually her. We broke up in March because I lost my patience and insulted her heavily for her behaviors. She then blocked me everywhere, unblocking and reblocking me at times. Additionally, shortly after the relationship ended, she came to a public park under the window of the bedroom we used to share and started having sexual intercourse with a guy, fully aware that she was doing it to be noticed, with the sole purpose of hurting me.

I discovered that she is now telling people that I'm stalking her and that I was the one who had those negative behaviors, spreading the same kinds of lies she told about her ex-partners, but now about me. Do you think I was the victim of a narcissistic person? Consider that she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Please tell me what I should do, as I am feeling so bad about these false allegations that I feel I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I haven't been eating or sleeping for weeks, and I can't understand how someone who claimed to love me and want children with me could disappear after I responded to a fight she started, only to lie about me with the sole purpose of defaming me. She even made me delete the messages and videos where she behaved that way just days before doing this to me.

Also, please tell me if you think there's a chance she might come back, not because I want her in my life, but because I'm afraid I might give in and forgive her. I'm terrified of going insane and having a nervous breakdown. For the past 4 months, my life has been a living hell, and I don't know how to move forward. I don't sleep, I don't eat, and I keep wondering how someone who claimed to love me could have done this to me, especially after all the times I've been there for her in her crisis.
I apologize for my English and I would like to thank everyone who will give his piece of mind about this situation

[jaded7]

I was in a 3-year relationship with this girl. We moved in together in just a few days after we met, and she showered me with love and compliments every day. However, after a few weeks, she began exhibiting strange behaviors. She would hurl insults at me, and if I responded in kind, she would manipulate the situation to make me seem like the monster. She physically abused me, hurled racist insults, and compared my genitals to those of her ex-partners.

She isolated me from my friends and created conflicts with my family due to her poor behavior towards them. She was jealous of many of my female friends and colleagues, and she had a constant fear that I might cheat on her, to the point of exhibiting self-harming behaviors if I returned home even a few minutes late from work or if I couldn't answer her calls while working. She often told me about how her ex-partners had mistreated her, even claiming they had been abusive, though she never reported it.

When I experienced a loss, I asked her to be there for me, but she went back to her family's home and constantly tried to pick fights, saying hurtful things to provoke me. If I responded, she would block me for days, always accusing me of going out secretly when I was depressed in bed, when it was actually her. We broke up in March because I lost my patience and insulted her heavily for her behaviors. She then blocked me everywhere, unblocking and reblocking me at times. Additionally, shortly after the relationship ended, she came to a public park under the window of the bedroom we used to share and started having sexual intercourse with a guy, fully aware that she was doing it to be noticed, with the sole purpose of hurting me.

I discovered that she is now telling people that I'm stalking her and that I was the one who had those negative behaviors, spreading the same kinds of lies she told about her ex-partners, but now about me. Do you think I was the victim of a narcissistic person? Consider that she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Please tell me what I should do, as I am feeling so bad about these false allegations that I feel I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I haven't been eating or sleeping for weeks, and I can't understand how someone who claimed to love me and want children with me could disappear after I responded to a fight she started, only to lie about me with the sole purpose of defaming me. She even made me delete the messages and videos where she behaved that way just days before doing this to me.

Also, please tell me if you think there's a chance she might come back, not because I want her in my life, but because I'm afraid I might give in and forgive her. I'm terrified of going insane and having a nervous breakdown. For the past 4 months, my life has been a living hell, and I don't know how to move forward. I don't sleep, I don't eat, and I keep wondering how someone who claimed to love me could have done this to me, especially after all the times I've been there for her in her crisis.
I apologize for my English and I would like to thank everyone who will give his piece of mind about this situation

Stefano, welcome to the boards here, although under difficult circumstances.

You say to consider that she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Do you mean that she is actually diagnosed?

In either case, her behaviors toward you do seem to be cruel and hurtful. It's very hurtful to be accused of doing something
you didn't do. Especially abuse. Especially.

We have discussed here quite often false allegations. Please do search on the boards for that topic, and just look through the threads. They are not at all uncommon in these relationships. I just wrote about the topic of false allegations in my relationship yesterday. Not nearly as mean and cruel as in yours, but false allegations are false and cruel and hurtful.

By the way, it is not uncommon at all for a person with bpd to turn the behavior she/he does around onto you. This  too is very common and many have written about that here too.

I know you are suffering badly. Just a couple of thoughts for you when it's hard to eat and sleep. I know this feeling very well. Your body needs nutrients in order to process through this. Can you buy some protein drinks, meal replacement drinks? These are easy to stomach and get down. Drink a lot of water. Do you have a doctor? Perhaps your doctor can prescribe something to help you sleep. Food/nourishment, water and sleep are really important for you.

We all wonder how someone who claimed to love us could do these things to us. It's part of the disorder. Read and post, it will help you feel less alone.

[Stefano94]

Thank you for your response and for your advice. She has been diagnosed for about 1 year and has always had a bad attitude towards anyone - family, friends, or acquaintances. I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday and next week I will go to a psychologist. I am considering being hospitalized because this disappointment and the cruelties she says have really destroyed me. I have spoken with a lawyer and he is telling me to report to the authorities what I have been trough, and also to try to recover photos and videos of her physical and verbal violence towards me, as well as her various threats. I never would have imagined that this person was like this. The thought that these three years have been a hoax is really destroying my mental health.

[jaded7]

Thank you for your response and for your advice. She has been diagnosed for about 1 year and has always had a bad attitude towards anyone - family, friends, or acquaintances. I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday and next week I will go to a psychologist. I am considering being hospitalized because this disappointment and the cruelties she says have really destroyed me. I have spoken with a lawyer and he is telling me to report to the authorities what I have been trough, and also to try to recover photos and videos of her physical and verbal violence towards me, as well as her various threats. I never would have imagined that this person was like this. The thought that these three years have been a hoax is really destroying my mental health.

Glad to see you writing responses! Excellent job. Step by step.

Also very glad to see you have an appointment with a doctor. Talk about your eating and sleeping troubles, be insistent. Physical health is important in these traumatic, stressful times. Trust me, I have been there. REALLY been there. I know exactly what you are feeling and what you are talking about.

My ex said things that I can't get out of my head, and I have struggled a lot. But I'm here, I manage to do one or two good things a day, and I'm kind to people and helpful to people. These are available to us, every day, as a way of creating good in the world and making people feel valued.

[HoratioX]

A few things:

1) Consider seeing a therapist to best help figure out what to do, especially as you have emotional reactions to all that's happened or his happening.

2) Document anything in writing you can, and be very careful what you say and how you say it. You're dealing with someone looking to make you out to be the villain, and if you text or email anything that could be interpreted that way, it may well be used against you. At the same time, keeping written records where possible may help you to prove your case down the road.

3) Consider no contact (NC). Eliminating contact, and that includes your checking her social media and so forth, may be a wise step toward both faster healing and reducing the likelihood of conflict.

4) When you feel emotionally able, look to start rebuilding your life in positive ways. Eat right, exercise, and keep yourself busy with activities that fulfill you. Good luck.

[Stefano94]

Thanks for the advice. Apart from the first 3 days after the breakup, I didn't contact her anymore, and since the end of March I've been in no contact with her, but she often blocks and unblocks me or creates fake profiles with her photos and spies on my social media, to the point that I've removed them. I'm recovering all the deleted files from my phone, and one of her friends has offered to testify against her lies. In addition to her, several of my family members and friends who have had the opportunity to see her behaviors have offered to be available in case I need to defend myself against these false accusations.

The thing that's really driving me crazy is that I just can't understand how the night before she would say she loves me, and then the next day treat me badly and, in response to my gratuitous cruelty, block me everywhere and describe me with these falsehoods to everyone. The same things she used to say to me about her exes, now she's saying about me, when I was there for her when she needed it. Moreover, from what I've been told, she's been seeing these exes. I just can't understand this inconsistency and hatred. I wonder if she ever really loved me or if everything that happened in those 3 years was just an illusion.

[Stefano94]

Sorry sometimes I have to use a translator I mean when she has treated me this badly and with cruelty and the first time I said means thing back she blocked me and started spreading lies about me as she did towards her exes who she now hang out with

[Stefano94]

Am I in the wrong because I said mean things after she insulted me I am wrong tk have calling her out and tell her she is a sadistic narcissistic sick women? Do I deserve this after all the years I've been there for her when she was at her lowest?

[once removed]

Am I in the wrong because I said mean things after she insulted me I am wrong tk have calling her out and tell her she is a sadistic narcissistic sick women?

i think when you find yourself in a dysfunctional situation, it is less about who is right or wrong, and more about who is going to be the one to end the dysfunction.

the thing about a breakup is that its the ultimate score settler. if we were treated unfairly, or the relationship was one sided, its over now. we dont have to continue the battle.

of course, we understandably may still have a lot of hurt to heal. i think one of the hardest parts about a breakup is that our exes cant help us do that. lashing out at them cant help us do that. its about us, now.

[seekingtheway]

Sorry sometimes I have to use a translator I mean when she has treated me this badly and with cruelty and the first time I said means thing back she blocked me and started spreading lies about me as she did towards her exes who she now hang out with

This is just proof of her internal instability. Of painting a person good or bad based on a moment, rather than a pattern or trend of behaviour. So in that moment when you lashed out at her, she won't have remembered all the good things you've done for her and the love you shared. She is responding to solely to how that statement made her feel. How she feels in the present moment. Feelings can equal facts for those suffering with BPD. Feelings change of course, and that's why she now speaks to her ex's who she once thought so badly of.

There's a lot of peace to be gained from following Once Removed's advice. It doesn't feel that simple when you're in it, but really it does all come down to that. It's over. Time to remove yourself from further engagement and try to heal and find some peace.

[chas911]

You are where I was the past two years. it's not you, it's her. DO NOT take her back if she attempts to lure you back. Your heart will tell you otherwise but you must resist and self care. These relationships do not end well and, in my opinion as a Behavioral Health worker, she will never change. Find the book "walking on eggshells, how to survive if someone you care about has BPD". This wonderful book addresses the Narcisistic PD in the best way I've ever seen. Remember they process nearly everything differently, rarely accept blame(Unless it's to manipulate) and have no Empathy for the people they hurt. I've been there and finally, with help from this site, can now see my self worth. Try, as I have, to see how you've been brutalized as extremely hilarious. Then praise yourself for surviving it(her). This may sound frivolous but it works for me. "Sex in the park below your window"? That's warped -  Think of that and don't let it break your heart, let it make you laugh your A___ off!
Anyone who would do that is not worthy of your time or commitment.
It's hard, the online dating, the new love interests that ghost us, but it's worth it. Be honest with anyone you do meet but don't play the victim and run your Ex down. That's what BPDs do. When I first met my Ex the NPD, her Ex husband and the boyfriend she dumped for me were slandered, ridiculed and demonized by her daily. When they are doing this, saying all the lies and half- truths, you need to understand you will soon be the next one to be crucified.

[jaded7]

in my opinion as a Behavioral Health worker, she will never change. Find the book "walking on eggshells, how to survive if someone you care about has BPD". This wonderful book addresses the Narcisistic PD in the best way I've ever seen. Remember they process nearly everything differently, rarely accept blame(Unless it's to manipulate) and have no Empathy for the people they hurt. I've been there and finally, with help from this site, can now see my self worth.

 When I first met my Ex the NPD, her Ex husband and the boyfriend she dumped for me were slandered, ridiculed and demonized by her daily. When they are doing this, saying all the lies and half- truths, you need to understand you will soon be the next one to be crucified.

Rarely accept blame. I had a long conversation with a friend last night about how her mother treats her, and the idea of not accepting blame. I believe it's tied to guilt/shame, and not being able to deal with it. So the defense mechanisms come out, like a reflex. Mechanisms like DARVO, anger, attacks.

This morning I wrote out at least 9 times I gently tried to tell and share with my ex how her behaviors hurt me, were not really respectful. I was being as relational as possible, thinking that sharing how we feel gently, being open and vulnerable, is good for the relationship. NO. Each and every time it resulted in explosive anger on her part, followed by yelling and attacks. Every time.

That would probably be related to empathy for people they hurt, because of course you'd have to accept that you did something that hurt somebody else, and that would force them to be in touch with guilt and shame again, which can't happen.

And yes, my experience is that they will paint the ex as bad, all bad, and it was a major subject of our conversations. I needed to support and validate for her that he was bad. She would send me his emails and texts and have me look at them, I guess in order to get me to agree with her that he was bad. Like you, it was pretty much daily.

Now, when it's over, we wonder if that's what they're saying about us. And it's super painful, as Stefano you point out. How can they say these things about us? Didn't they love us?? After all the times we were there for them?

How could they think these things about us? How could they tell people these lies and half-truths about us?

I come back to the avoidance of guilt and shame. If it was that WE are bad, and caused all the problems, then THEY cannot be bad or hurtful people. It seems to be part of the overall pattern. So that's what they 'think', and that's what they tell other people.

As Chas says, we need to come back to ourselves and really know that we aren't who they say we are.

[js friend]

Hi Stefano94

No you are certainly not wrong to say mean things back to your ex when she is attacking your character. You said those things to her in the heat of the moment and maybe they were totally out of character for you but pwbpd can often bring those emotions out in us....so please dont beat yourself up about it. Please look after yourself in this time. Take it hour by hour  and try to spend time with people who really care about you. It will take time, you have been through a lot but things will get better

[Stefano94]

Hello everyone, thank you for your words; they have lifted my spirits a little. I am trying to keep myself busy; it’s tough at times, my mind constantly ruminates whether those years were just an illusion, and her behavior remains inexplicable. However, reading online, I understand that I can return to how I was before; she, on the other hand, will always be like this. The only fear I have is that, as soon as I get back on my feet, she might reach out to me again. I really hope it will be not the case

[Stefano94]

The worst part is that every time I take one step forward, it feels like I take ten steps back. It’s consuming my mind with doubts about whether she ever loved me or not, and that’s the hardest part of my day. Not to mention when she blocks and unblocks me to check my profiles; it’s really sadistic.

[CC43]

Stefano,

You are hurting right now, and after being abused, that is understandable.  I'd recommend that you focus on three elements of self-care:  eating right, exercising and getting sleep.  If your mind is racing, I'd recommend taking a walk in nature and noticing something unusual on your walk.  Focus only on that, and you might feel a sense of calm come over you, at least for a few minutes.  Then when you're trying to sleep, try re-tracing the steps of your walk in your mind.  I'll add that taking a break from social media might do you some good.  It's summer now, the perfect time for a break from social media.

I'm sure your ex did love you, in her way.  It's just that if she has BPD, her negative emotions got the best of her, and she lashed out to rid herself of the unbearable pain.  You are the target of her anger, precisely because you were the most important person to her at the time, and likely a very supportive person, too.  Ironic, isn't it?  This is typical behavior of someone with BPD, and it has nothing to do with anything you did or said.  You didn't cause the problem, and you can't solve it, either.  Only she can learn to control her feelings and her reactions to them.

Given that your ex abused you, if I were you, I'd stay as far away from her as possible.  Sure, she may try to win you back, but, unless she's had extensive therapy and is fully committed to change, she will surely be cruel to you again.  Please protect yourself, and don't allow yourself to be abused again.  You can read on this site the behaviors that are typical of someone with untreated BPD.  They include out-of-control rage and anger, hair-trigger emotional responses to normal situations, petulance, self-harming behaviors, and suicidal threats and gestures, which may or may not be used as manipulative tactics.  Some of the hallmarks of untreated BPD are unstable relationships (with family, colleagues, lovers, etc.), blaming others for all their problems, a overly negative attitude, and difficulties working or finishing school.  An annoying and disturbing habit is re-casting history in a negative light, or outright lying about things that happened, usually portraying the pwBPD as the VICTIM of abuse.  The pwBPD can be very convincing when telling these tales, that you start to wonder if her version of the story is true.  But please don't fall for that.  It's her brain re-assembling fragments of history into a story that fits her negative emotions and blames others for her plight.  You see, it's like she sees the world through black lenses, and she interprets innocuous words or gestures as threats.  Basically, she has a trauma response (fight or flight) to stimuli that aren't trauma at all.  It's just that she FEELS traumatized.  And so her brain invents a reason for feeling traumatized, and she lashes out, hurting you in the process (the fight reaction), or she might cut you off (the flight reaction), whatever she feels will hurt you the most!

Please take care of yourself.  I'm sorry you had to go through such an intense experience that ended up hurting you.  Once you are rested and a bit recovered, maybe you can start to think straight and look to the future, rather than doing a post mortem.

[Stefano94]

You're right, I always try to take care of my physical and mental health, and I thank everyone in the support forum. I know it will be a long journey because these past five months have really taken a toll on me. There has been no closure, no explanations, and the disappointment is strong; unfortunately, it has significant repercussions in my mind.