How do I go about getting my stuff back?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The reality has, hopefully, finally been setting in for my ex regarding the end of the relationship. He's finally reset his relationship status to "single" on FB, which signals to me that he's acknowledged (although maybe not accepted) that it's over. Perhaps, however, it's a tactic to torture me and get me to reengage (which I am struggling with).

He's 800 miles away. I have another trip planned for August to see him (which I am canceling), but he has a plastic tub of $$$$ worth of my stuff in it. I had told him when I broke it off with him that I would send a friend of mine who lives about an hour away to get the stuff.

So here we are... It's only been a little over a week... it's been no contact (which is horribly painful)... and now he's finally set his "status" to "single." Is it still too soon for the next steps regarding getting items back? Clearly, I do not want to reach out to him and start a dialogue because (a) it will reengage me in a bad way since I have such a hard time "quitting" him and (b) I don't want to reengage and cause him pain because it's not easy for him to quit me either... potentially more challenging for him.

I can give his number to my friend who lives an hour away and ask him to coordinate to get my stuff. Is it too soon for that?

I also fear that as he goes through his stages of grief, he's going to destroy my stuff. I also will not know if he has or has not. I suppose that's a risk I have no control over... the only control I have is in who engages with him and when... as I would like to get my stuff before it's destroyed... but again, he may be in an OK place because he's in therapy and online BPD groups... maybe more time for the dust to settle doesn't mean he's going to light a ceremonial fire and torch my stuff.

Obviously, everyone is different, and I don't know what he's thinking or where he's at. I just don't know how to proceed now that I know he's at least acknowledged that he's single; we are not together.

It feels like it's too soon... but it also feels like there might be a window here before anger sets in... I just don't know how to play it, and I have no idea how to "take the temperature" of the situation since we are in a no-contact communication situation.

I am not using my stuff as an excuse to reengage with him... 100% if my crap were here at my house, it would make everything with NC easier. I also know he's trying to heal from all of this, too, and I don't want to get in the way of that.

What can I do that would be the least disruptive to him (and to me)? If he's not mad, I am sure he wants my stuff gone ASAP so he can remove anything that reminds him of me/us.

My best friend, who is a dude, has his number. I don't want to include him... but I have also toyed with the idea of having him text him to start a dialogue with him and ask him about what he wants to do regarding getting my stuff back to me.

I honestly just don't know.

[HealthTeacher]

The reality has, hopefully, finally been setting in for my ex regarding the end of the relationship. He's finally reset his relationship status to "single" on FB, which signals to me that he's acknowledged (although maybe not accepted) that it's over. Perhaps, however, it's a tactic to torture me and get me to reengage (which I am struggling with).

He's 800 miles away. I have another trip planned for August to see him (which I am canceling), but he has a plastic tub of $$$$ worth of my stuff in it. I had told him when I broke it off with him that I would send a friend of mine who lives about an hour away to get the stuff.

So here we are... It's only been a little over a week... it's been no contact (which is horribly painful)... and now he's finally set his "status" to "single." Is it still too soon for the next steps regarding getting items back? Clearly, I do not want to reach out to him and start a dialogue because (a) it will reengage me in a bad way since I have such a hard time "quitting" him and (b) I don't want to reengage and cause him pain because it's not easy for him to quit me either... potentially more challenging for him.

I can give his number to my friend who lives an hour away and ask him to coordinate to get my stuff. Is it too soon for that?

I also fear that as he goes through his stages of grief, he's going to destroy my stuff. I also will not know if he has or has not. I suppose that's a risk I have no control over... the only control I have is in who engages with him and when... as I would like to get my stuff before it's destroyed... but again, he may be in an OK place because he's in therapy and online BPD groups... maybe more time for the dust to settle doesn't mean he's going to light a ceremonial fire and torch my stuff.

Obviously, everyone is different, and I don't know what he's thinking or where he's at. I just don't know how to proceed now that I know he's at least acknowledged that he's single; we are not together.

It feels like it's too soon... but it also feels like there might be a window here before anger sets in... I just don't know how to play it, and I have no idea how to "take the temperature" of the situation since we are in a no-contact communication situation.

I am not using my stuff as an excuse to reengage with him... 100% if my crap were here at my house, it would make everything with NC easier. I also know he's trying to heal from all of this, too, and I don't want to get in the way of that.

What can I do that would be the least disruptive to him (and to me)? If he's not mad, I am sure he wants my stuff gone ASAP so he can remove anything that reminds him of me/us.

My best friend, who is a dude, has his number. I don't want to include him... but I have also toyed with the idea of having him text him to start a dialogue with him and ask him about what he wants to do regarding getting my stuff back to me.

I honestly just don't know.

[Augustine]

Being guided by a fairly acute survival instinct, when I left, whatever wouldn’t fit into a small carry-on piece of luggage was abandoned.

Unless what was left behind was of inestimable value, it’s to your greater long-term advantage to not reengage.

I left behind a house, and all my worldly possessions. What I received in return was my life and happiness.

[HealthTeacher]

You are incredibly brave.

I have contacted another friend, who has his number, to coordinate getting my items back. I am now trying to just assume that I will never get them back.

She also has BPD, the friend, and I think she can be kind and caring to him when she engages with him. It's out of my hands now.

In reality, it always was.

[HealthTeacher]

Well, she reached out to him... made a plan to get my stuff next week.

After they made the plan, and some time had passed, he blew up her phone with 24 texts (she hadn't responded once). They were sad. He was being loving and supportive to her while also expressing his pain... and understanding that he has to do this alone. He knows I am going full-no-contact. I think getting the plan/date for her to get my items made reality set in for him... It's really over this time, but as the week progresses, I am concerned that he will act out and re-engage with me. Time will tell. I will remain vigilant.

If I really love him (which I do), then I will not engage back. He needs this cycle to end just as badly as I do.

This is the closest we can get to an amicable breakup. I need to keep reminding myself that re-engagement, even if it's a message of love and support for him, isn't going to help. He knows I love him. He knows I support him. He already knows all of that.

She sent me the text messages he sent her. It's hard to read. He is in so much pain. Crying every morning, afternoon, and night. I want to hold him, hug him, and cry with him.

But we did that last time... and we recycled the relationship.

I need to stop thinking about how he's feeling. I need to overpower the nurturing/caretaking/savior complex that got me so enmeshed in his drama in the first place.