Help I don’t know what to do!

[Rainbow13]

Hi I’m new here and so glad I found your site, I feel so alone as no one I know has a situation like this. I have been married for 27 years and have a son with my husband. We have been through a lot. He knows he has severe PTSD but doesn’t know it think he has BPD. My therapist has diagnosed him and I read walking on egg shells and felt like it was my life in a book. He has gotten a lot of help over the years but has refused going to DBT, which I think would really help. I have been having problems with my job and would really like to quit, I complain all the time about it, I am trying to figure out how not to complain so much, it’s like I’m on a roll and can’t stop. I realize he has listened to it for a long time but we are not in a Position for me to quit, he has been out of work for a year due to having surgery on both shoulders. Yesterday he yelled at me to quit, he knows that’s not possible. I tried to come talk to him and apologize for complaining all the time but he was ignoring me and didn’t want to listen. I feel all on my own. But there are things he can do that would help me get a lower paying job. He could look for a part time job that he can do, he had first surgery in November 2023 and second March 2024. And he could sell his $850/mo truck for something less. I was frustrated and said this to him. And then said something really stupid I said why don’t you do something like sell your truck or get a part time job or would you rather I just off myself because that is where I am at. (Don’t say I would do it just that I wanted hint to see I’m at a breaking point) should never have said that. He came in to the house and started raging, we were up at our cabin and he grabbed our bag and said we were leaving, then he was leaving me by myself with out a vehicle. I tried to calm him, he ripped the door off the hinge, tore the screen apart when the door got stuck and he couldn’t get in the house. He said he was going to punch me in the face if I didn’t let him leave. He then came back but still raging and said I punched him in the chest,that did not happen. He was going to show me the mark and then couldn’t find one. He said so many horrible things, that he hates me and wants a divorce. These were things he has said many times before. I have decided to stay in our marriage a long time ago and deal with this behavior. But I want to be able to voice how I am feeling and that I need support or if I have any disappointment with him in our relationship and this is what happens when I do that. I keep most things to myself about how I feel, I have learned to do that. I know my complaining about my job was a lot and I admit that. But come on, I can’t complain or say any disappointment? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Would DBT help me?? I am willing to do anything

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zeero]

Hello

I am alarmed by this description of your husband's behaviour.  If he is moved to destruction of property (the screen door), violent threats ("I'm going to punch you in the face"), I think your next move would be to speak to a social worker.

Rather than type an ocean of text (which I would do!) I'll summarise what I think your next steps should be, in point form:

- speak to a social worker about your husband's behaviour, establish that you don't want to press charges, but that you'd like recommendations on how to prevent future violent behaviour and threats.

- do not assume that your husband has BPD and would benefit from DBT unless he has had an official diagnosis.

- if your husband "knows he has severe PTSD", does he have a diagnosis?  Has he sought treatment for it?  PTSD is very, very serious and hard to live with.  Perhaps he needs a change in his medication or to seek specific trauma-recovery therapy about it.

- lastly, I'd suggest, insofar as your own problems with your job are concerned, that you find an outlet other than your husband to speak about it.  If the job is destroying your life, and you need to quit, then tell your husband you intend to do so and devise a new financial plan together.  If the job is destroying your life, but you need to keep the job, then find a good outlet (a friend or a therapist) who can absorb the resultant venting.

Good luck and thank you for sharing.  You can get through this.

[Rainbow13]

He is now drinking and is up at our cabin still, he drove me home last night. He just texted thathe is calling the police because he said I hit him and they are going to document. I did not and would not ever hit him. I have never dealt with him being this bad before. Saying things that didn’t happen and then actually calling the police? Not sure what to even say, it’s his word against mine, he’s really smart and used to be a police officer. He is retired because he has been diagnosed with severe PTSD.

[LittleRedBarn]

Like Zeero, I am alarmed by your description of your husband's violent behavior. Any form of actual violence against property risks escalating to violence against you.

Do you have any kind of a support network? You need to talk to someone about this, if only to document what has happened in case your husband makes allegations against you.

I recommend that you take this situation extremely seriously. You need to look after your own interests.

[Rainbow13]

I do have a support system and he has been texting me awful things that I have screen shots of, he is saying things to our son who is 20 and home for the summer and telling him that I don’t like his girlfriend and other things. I am just so surprised that this is still going on. He keeps calling and hanging up. This is such irrational behavior, it’s so surreal. Should I call the police and do a welfare check? I know that would make him mad because he use to be a cop. But the things he is saying by text are just crazy. And this all started because I needed him to step up and help me in a time of need. He turned and made it about him. I feel like what do I do now? I love him but that sounds crazy when the things he has just called me and lies he is telling people are just not like him at all. I really think he believes I punched him. How could he even say that, he isn’t a liar ever but this is not true at all, it’s almost like he is delusional.

[LittleRedBarn]

The most important thing for you in this situation is your own personal safety, and the safety of your son.

Threats of violence against you personally should always be taken extremely seriously. Do not think that you can handle this yourself. Remember you are dealing with a serious mental illness.

You need to actively seek immediate help and support - in real life, not just online - whatever that looks like for you.

[kells76]

Hello Rainbow13, we're glad you're here and reaching out for some feedback.

Whatever his behaviors would be labeled, the core issue is that they are distressing and disturbing right now. It can be so hard to find a wise way forward when a loved one is saying frightening and hurtful things to us.

One thing I had to do for the first time a couple of months ago was call our local DV hotline (about some things my husband's kids told us about their mom's house). I was shaky at first, but then it was such a relief to get neutral, third-party, locally-informed advice about the situation.

Calling a DV hotline is free and you are in control. You can talk to them for as long or short as you wish, and you are allowed to take none or all of the advice they may suggest. You can hang up any time, and you can call back as often as you want (I think I ended up calling back once or twice).

They are typically anonymous and are not mandatory reporters, so it's not like they'll initiate a police check or other report/call without you knowing.

The national hotline is 1-800-799-7233, though if you search for [your state] DV hotline or [your city, state] DV hotline, you may get more tailored local support.

Rainbow13, do you think you can give that a try today, and then come back and let us know how it went?

I've done it too -- you won't be alone.