Bf beginning diagnostic process explosive episodes

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi ! I've been with my partner 7 years, over the years his outbursts have been fairly spectacular but things seem to be getting worse.

We started off great and then after about 5/6 months problems crept him with gambling , too much drinking , recreational drug use that caused debt to spiral.  He has been verbally and physically abusive at times (usually when drunk)

It feels like we go in cycles, things will be good, then the moodiness and irritability starts, then bickering (usually over money , the way he spends it like water and is incredibly reluctant to contribute to shared bills) there is no conversation any attempt at an adult discussion get's blown up and "I'll just leave you then/we'll split up"

Eventually it will come to a head and a huge blowup will occur, the rage is insane and other people who have witnessed it look horrified.  This is then usually followed by him running away, not speaking to me and then eventually reuniting - ground zero , calm and peace is restored - until the cycle starts again (pay day is particularly triggering trying to get him to contribute before he gambles the lot (which has happened on multiple occasions)- I get accused of financial abuse but I by far shoulder the bulk of the finances.

Its come to a final head with him getting blind drunk, sleeping on a bench and then coming home being loud obnoxious verbally abusive (I'm always a c**t) before driving off drunk.  Shortly after his mother turned up (I believe she also has some personality disorder) and she proceeded to be verbally abusive (we do not have any relationship due to her inability to ever acknowledge my children from a previous relationship.

Over the last year I've had therapy myself (mostly for anxiety and grief) and I've become a lot more aware of how his behaviors are so disproportionate and out of control.  It was speaking to a friend who's sibling has BPD I have come to think its what is behind all his issues and behaviors. 

I know any sensible person would say "just leave" and I'm now on the brink of having to end it for my own mental health.  He has seen a doctor and has been referred for an assessment.  I know there is no magic fix and it will take a lot of therapy.

I think I just needed to talk to other people in the same situation.

Thanks for listening 

[sm1981]

Hi ! I've been with my partner 7 years, over the years his outbursts have been fairly spectacular but things seem to be getting worse.

We started off great and then after about 5/6 months problems crept him with gambling , too much drinking , recreational drug use that caused debt to spiral.  He has been verbally and physically abusive at times (usually when drunk)

It feels like we go in cycles, things will be good, then the moodiness and irritability starts, then bickering (usually over money , the way he spends it like water and is incredibly reluctant to contribute to shared bills) there is no conversation any attempt at an adult discussion get's blown up and "I'll just leave you then/we'll split up"

Eventually it will come to a head and a huge blowup will occur, the rage is insane and other people who have witnessed it look horrified.  This is then usually followed by him running away, not speaking to me and then eventually reuniting - ground zero , calm and peace is restored - until the cycle starts again (pay day is particularly triggering trying to get him to contribute before he gambles the lot (which has happened on multiple occasions)- I get accused of financial abuse but I by far shoulder the bulk of the finances.

Its come to a final head with him getting blind drunk, sleeping on a bench and then coming home being loud obnoxious verbally abusive (I'm always a c**t) before driving off drunk.  Shortly after his mother turned up (I believe she also has some personality disorder) and she proceeded to be verbally abusive (we do not have any relationship due to her inability to ever acknowledge my children from a previous relationship.

Over the last year I've had therapy myself (mostly for anxiety and grief) and I've become a lot more aware of how his behaviors are so disproportionate and out of control.  It was speaking to a friend who's sibling has BPD I have come to think its what is behind all his issues and behaviors. 

I know any sensible person would say "just leave" and I'm now on the brink of having to end it for my own mental health.  He has seen a doctor and has been referred for an assessment.  I know there is no magic fix and it will take a lot of therapy.

I think I just needed to talk to other people in the same situation.

Thanks for listening 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello sm1981 and welcome to the boards 

You'll definitely find members in similar situations here. Untreated PD's plus substance issues equals a difficult combination, and others here have coped with that too. It's no wonder you described his outbursts as spectacular and then getting worse on top of that 

A few things stood out to me as I read your post...

You mention having kids of your own -- how old are they? Do they spend time with you and your partner in your home? And do you and your partner have any kids together?

You're right that there's no magic fix for a PD (though all of us here wish there were). It would take long term diligence in meaningful therapy for him to improve. That being said, it's not impossible -- when's the assessment due to happen? And what is it assessing for?

No matter if he does or doesn't go through with assessment/treatment, what we learn here is that we can make changes on our end, totally under our control, to make our own lives more livable, no matter what the pwBPD does or doesn't do. Those changes often look like "out of the norm" choices, but these relationships are "out of the norm" relationships that take some unintuitive relational tools, skills, and approaches.

Finances sound like a big deal. Do you currently have shared accounts?

We'll keep listening -- fill us in on more whenever you get a chance;

kells76

[sm1981]

My kids are 13 and 15, they live with me half the time, their dad the other half.  So he is around them, they have seen him explode on a couple of occasions (they think he looks like a toddler having a tantrum).  We have no kids together.

He saw his family doctor and explained everything he's been referred for a further assessment for BPD and also for support with depression.

We don't have joint finances but I spend the majority of the money.  I have my own home where he has lived on and off (when he's not run off to his mothers (I think there may be BPD involved with her too or NPD).

I don't know if I want to do this anymore which makes me sad but its a never-ending cycle

[kells76]

He saw his family doctor and explained everything he's been referred for a further assessment for BPD and also for support with depression.

OK, good to hear. When will you know more about next steps (i.e., the next assessment date, the start of treatment/support, etc)?

Sometimes deciding for yourself "I think I need X to happen by Y date, or I will choose Z" can help with choosing how to move forward in your life.

We don't have joint finances but I spend the majority of the money.  I have my own home where he has lived on and off (when he's not run off to his mothers (I think there may be BPD involved with her too or NPD).

Sometimes finances can't be safely shared when BPD is in play. He may not like that but it's what you need for stability. To me, the issue would be if you can depersonalize his feelings about finances -- he can complain about them all day long but can you decline to listen/decline to put stock in his accusations.

Am I reading correctly that you do still need him to contribute? Is that for bills, food, other?

As much of a hassle as it can be, sometimes things ultimately go more smoothly when we set up our lives and choices to not require cooperation from a pwBPD. If you do choose to stay together, I wonder if we can brainstorm with you how to get out of the cycle of "trying to get him to contribute".

I don't know if I want to do this anymore which makes me sad but its a never-ending cycle

Untreated BPD is so difficult. It's OK to reflect on what you want in your life and what you have bandwidth for. Some people do choose to stay, others make choices to move on. We're here to support you, no matter what you decide.

...

Do you have any counseling or therapy for yourself, in all this?

[sm1981]

Thanks for replying!

He has the depression self referral assesment next Tuesday- he is waiting to here about the psychological assesment which would be the formal diagnosis for BPD .

Contribution towards bills and food but he's yo-yoing between here and his mothers (basically to avoid contributing but to be honest I probably spend more on him then he contributes so I proabbly wont be worse off.  Its every single pay day that it triggers him, he doesnt pay so I then ask , he then will drip feed depending on how I've "behaved"

I have had therapy in the very recent past- I think this is what's prompted me realising the root cause of the arguing is his behaviour

[CC43]

Hi SM,

I totally get the emotional whiplash and the dysfunctional, infantile behavior.  It may be that your partner has BPD, because the "adult tantrums" and the over-the-top, disproportional rage sound very typical.  Sometimes depression and substance abuse can be co-existing conditions, which can make it harder to untangle the root cause of the dysfunction.

When the person with BPD in my life has an "adult tantrum," it's usually followed by an "adult time-out."  In practice, that means she escapes to another household and cuts off communication for a time.  How long the time-out lasts can vary from a few days to a few weeks.  She'll typically "un-shun" us when she needs something--usually money.  Sometimes, she can act like she never had the tantrum, and there will be calm for a while, until a stressful event or disappointment sets her off again.  Alternatively, she'll re-interpret history and blame her family for provoking her (or "abusing" her).  Sometimes she'll fire off very mean, accusatory texts.  She just won't admit any inappropriate behavior on her part.  In practice, that means she never says she's sorry for how she acted and treated us badly.  Never.  Does that sound familiar?  I think that might be an indication of BPD.  Anyway, I'd advise not to take any of the insults or accusations personally.  That's just BPD talking.

It's interesting that your partner is being assessed for BPD.  Did he make the arrangements to see someone?  Did he do so with the intention of getting some help, to try something different to feel better?  I'm asking because I think that for therapy to work, the patient has to want to do the work and want to get some help.  I think therapy doesn't work well if the patient feels forced into it.  They might just "go along" with it in order to get some sort of concession, like money from you, or agreeing to take him back.  If that's the case, I wouldn't get my hopes up too much.

The good news is that there are medications that can treat depression, a common co-existing condition of BPD.  BPD can also be treated--DBT can be effective--with the caveat that the patient has to buy into the process, and it's not a quick fix.

I'm finding that maybe the hardest part of loving someone with BPD is adjusting expectations.  When she's not raging, it's easy to see all her good traits and talents, and it's easy to envisage a promising future and have high hopes.  But then she'll fall apart under the slightest pressure, have a raging fit and self-destruct, trying to hurt her loved ones in the process.  This whiplash can be so hard to take.  Sometimes I think I have to adjust my expectations, by hoping for the best, but planning for the worst.  Nothing I ever say or do can change anything.  It's entirely up to her.