Hi I am new to this forum, very glad to have found it!
I have an 11 year old with my ex, who has no formal diagnosis but has strong traits of NPD and BPD. Our history and current situation is very complicated and hard to summarize, so I'll do my best to paint a picture of things without getting into the weeds, and then ask my specific advice question
My ex, (I’ll call them X), moved to a remote community a 3 hour flight north of where we live a few months ago to be with their partner who got a job there. This is the second time they have moved away from our daughter “D” - the first being when she was 5 years old and they moved across the country, coming back for visits and a few unsuccessful stints living here.
Each time they come back, they demand 50/50 custody and accuse me of kidnapping and alienation when our daughter expresses fear of sleeping at their place. (For a lot of reasons we don't have any legal separation agreement, which I am about to change)
It has taken me years of weekly therapy to understand what I got caught up in. X is incredibly magnetic and can be warm and funny and it feels amazing to be in their light. And one of their ‘survival talents’ is to draw people into their powerful, painful stories of victimhood, and to use a lot of the language of accountability without ever changing behaviour.
Just one of many example of this; during a psych intake process for our kid (who was self harming), X told social workers they are bipolar, (untrue) and struggle with chronic pain (true) and deeply regret how their behaviour affects our kid (maybe true?) - I guess because bipolar is less stigmatized and more of a hero’s ailment (or something??) they used that story to paint me as ableist and abusive. (Something they call me when I refuse to let them yell at me in front of our kid, or take our kid away from seeing them self harm)
This has sort of worked with the social workers, has alienated me from quite a few people in our small LGBT community, and gives X cover that they are meaningfully “working on their
PLEASE READ” .
It doesn’t help that a lot of their struggles ARE structural/outside of their control - like the chronic pain, history of abuse, anti-lgbt discrimination, and little family support or financial resources. It also doesn’t help that I was their greatest defender and enabler for so many years.
But recently, more people who are close to both of us have seen the full spectrum of behaviours and understand just how bad it actually is. That community validation for me, plus distance and time (and therapy!!) has helped me build a fairly solid emotional boundary, and I know my job is to give our kid as much security and solid love as possible.
Which leads me to my question. Up until now, I have helped support D as best I can, because she misses X and WANTS to be with them, even though equally afraid. She often feels their sadness and pain more than her own, and that awful mix of fear and obligation. I have tried my best to validate her feelings without adding to the anxiety.
X can also be really fun, and the two of them have genetic connection and interests in common that I don’t have (X is the birth parent).
And up until recently, X’s hostility and extreme anger has been reserved for me and anyone else they are disappointed by, but not our kid directly.
But a few days ago, D was scheduled to get on a plane alone to fly into this remote community to visit X for a week, knowing no one else except their partner, who they've of course been fighting like crazy with.
And things had been ramping up badly (X recently decided it was “time to tell D that I kidnapped her, and that I get in the way of their plans etc”) and when D tried to call to ask some questions/get some reassurance about what the visit would be like, instead of answering and trying to help, X expressed irritation and anger at being asked.
D was desperate to not go, so I told her she didn’t have to, and wrote to tell X. I also offered them money to come visit D here instead
(In the lead up to this, I got solid legal advice, knowing that it might come to this and that I wouldn't force D onto the plane, so I am secure in that part of the decision)
But today, X (and their partner) have been messaging D all day, telling her how badly she has hurt them both, and demanding she call to explain. (And harassing me of course)
And this is where we are in new territory:
If/when that call happens, this will be D’s first time experiencing the direct rejection rage from X - my immediate instinct is to try to soften/protect her from it somehow, but A) I don’t even know how to in this case and B) even if I could, would it just be prolonging some 'truth' or gaslighting her? Is it ‘useful’ for D to feel the full wrath at age 11?
How do I help her through this? My heart is breaking for her.
