Got sucked back in, not much improvement (check in)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey hey everyone. I wrote some time ago about leaving my pwBPD. I figured I'd check in with update(s) and if anyone has advice or kind words that'd be awesome.

I broke up with her one Saturday morning, but unfortunately due to fog (fear, obligation, and guilt) and a lot of childhood trauma I caved later that day and begged for forgiveness and we got back together. This was despite that morning filled with screaming, crying, throwing things, breaking things, saying how much she hated me and how I was the 'worst boyfriend' she'd ever had, even with her other partners being abusive in every single way, and being verbally destroyed for 45+ minutes.

Not my finest hour. But some time later she got diagnosed with Bipolar II by her psychiatrist and started Abilify/Lithium to help. And it...kind of helps? Rage and anger is down, which is always a plus. However other areas are questionable, which is where bpd comes back into play as I don't think it's totally out of the question.

We started couples counseling and individual therapy. For my own therapy there's been a big focus on childhood trauma (glass child to a disabled brother, I was off to the side and not a focus, mom sacrificed her identity to caretake everyone are the highlights) and similarities between then and now. And there are a lot; sacrificing my wants and needs to cater to hers, being the favorite person-emotional anchor to hear about her daily struggles, handling everything while she recovers from...her day at work. Oh the sacrifice.

Couples counseling though is a weekly 'monster of the week' where we talk about whatever big issue has happened and how to tackle it, while at the same time I've been noticing I don't speak up much because those monsters are huge and me struggling with identity is kind of a back-burner item. And the handful of times I do actually speak up about money, communication, or other issues it results in her bringing up her pain and suffering and my past sins and, what's worse, acting fine in session, then bringing it up later where that third party mediator is completely absent.

Ever since rereading parts of "Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist," which I highly recommend, everything came back full force. I'm still caretaking, I still have to not only say the right thing but say it with the exact right inflection or it's wrong, make sure she feels good/sexy/wanted/desired/supported at all times no matter my wants or needs, keeping everything flowing because she's so worn down from just existing I think, needing infinite patience while I walk a flaming tightrope. The same song and dance, just now not as angry. I'm worn down, my empathy is just gone, and I'm pretty sure I'm the favorite-person utility rather than a person and not as important as her wants and needs. Her desire for doordash comes before her own dogs medicine, which is a whopping thirty five bucks a month if that illustrates things.

Our birthdays are kind of a good example. Mine came and went. I had a nice dinner that I had to reserve the morning of it, she then last minute invited other friends who couldn't make it, and I got a new air fryer. It's a nice air fryer but it's something that We needed rather than I wanted. Meanwhile her birthday is coming up, she got a nice dinner, and I'm taking her dress shopping as a gift, and she's getting a big potluck with a bunch of friends separately. Can't help but feel it's not even or fair.

[salvyrn]

Hey hey everyone. I wrote some time ago about leaving my pwBPD. I figured I'd check in with update(s) and if anyone has advice or kind words that'd be awesome.

I broke up with her one Saturday morning, but unfortunately due to fog (fear, obligation, and guilt) and a lot of childhood trauma I caved later that day and begged for forgiveness and we got back together. This was despite that morning filled with screaming, crying, throwing things, breaking things, saying how much she hated me and how I was the 'worst boyfriend' she'd ever had, even with her other partners being abusive in every single way, and being verbally destroyed for 45+ minutes.

Not my finest hour. But some time later she got diagnosed with Bipolar II by her psychiatrist and started Abilify/Lithium to help. And it...kind of helps? Rage and anger is down, which is always a plus. However other areas are questionable, which is where bpd comes back into play as I don't think it's totally out of the question.

We started couples counseling and individual therapy. For my own therapy there's been a big focus on childhood trauma (glass child to a disabled brother, I was off to the side and not a focus, mom sacrificed her identity to caretake everyone are the highlights) and similarities between then and now. And there are a lot; sacrificing my wants and needs to cater to hers, being the favorite person-emotional anchor to hear about her daily struggles, handling everything while she recovers from...her day at work. Oh the sacrifice.

Couples counseling though is a weekly 'monster of the week' where we talk about whatever big issue has happened and how to tackle it, while at the same time I've been noticing I don't speak up much because those monsters are huge and me struggling with identity is kind of a back-burner item. And the handful of times I do actually speak up about money, communication, or other issues it results in her bringing up her pain and suffering and my past sins and, what's worse, acting fine in session, then bringing it up later where that third party mediator is completely absent.

Ever since rereading parts of "Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist," which I highly recommend, everything came back full force. I'm still caretaking, I still have to not only say the right thing but say it with the exact right inflection or it's wrong, make sure she feels good/sexy/wanted/desired/supported at all times no matter my wants or needs, keeping everything flowing because she's so worn down from just existing I think, needing infinite patience while I walk a flaming tightrope. The same song and dance, just now not as angry. I'm worn down, my empathy is just gone, and I'm pretty sure I'm the favorite-person utility rather than a person and not as important as her wants and needs. Her desire for doordash comes before her own dogs medicine, which is a whopping thirty five bucks a month if that illustrates things.

Our birthdays are kind of a good example. Mine came and went. I had a nice dinner that I had to reserve the morning of it, she then last minute invited other friends who couldn't make it, and I got a new air fryer. It's a nice air fryer but it's something that We needed rather than I wanted. Meanwhile her birthday is coming up, she got a nice dinner, and I'm taking her dress shopping as a gift, and she's getting a big potluck with a bunch of friends separately. Can't help but feel it's not even or fair.

[ForeverDad]

A diagnosis is helpful but it is of limited benefit if a clear pathway to recovery isn't there.

It has often been said here that while meds do address some chemical imbalances of Bipolar, meds only moderate Borderline and Narcissistic PDs... the real solution is long term intensive therapy that is diligently applied to thinking, perceptions and behavior.

In decades past BPD wasn't diagnosed as such because there was a stigma in the name - and insurance wouldn't cover it - so it was common for therapists to diagnose something with a similar behavior (Bipolar) instead.

Whether this is the case here, who knows?  The point is that meaningful long term therapy is more important than meds.

And a question for you is... is this small improvement ("less bad") sufficient for you to stay?

If you do decide to leave, better to accomplish your exit first then work out the details afterward.  Or else you'll feel FOG yet again and restart the cycles all over again.

FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

[livednlearned]

It's hard to turn these relationships around, much less leave. You're not alone there, that's for sure.

And you're making progress. You can see that things are fair and can see that you deserve a crumb and then some (!)

It's great, too, that you're seeing a therapist on your own. That may make the couples counseling seem even ... weirder. You get this amazing validation from someone and then you're in a triangle and suddenly you're invisible. The whiplash can be eye-opening.

Some of the things I learned from trauma-informed therapy helped me regain who I was, which as you point out can kind of stay missing or go missing when you come in distant second to someone who rages or takes more than half the oxygen in the room. Like counting a specific color in the room when someone is raging at you (pro tip: I was told to avoid being in cars with someone who has a tendency to be abusive), or naming each thing you see. A book a read said to pick 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, and I can't remember the rest but you get the point  

It kinda underscores how important it is (and hard) to focus on you in these moments.

Figuring out who you are is super hard to do when you have a FOO that made that hard to figure out, and then doing it in the relationship is no cakewalk either.

It's really admirable that you are here taking care of yourself and accepting that it's not easy what you're trying to do. Asking for support and advice is huge  

[salvyrn]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah I've been doing some thinking, and while the rage is improved there's still a lot of issues that are just not getting better that's making it seem like there's no hope for change.

The difference in the therapy is definitely night and day. I actually feel heard and validated and told hey, you're not crazy, those are legit concerns and issues, who wouldn't be feeling stressed/upset/used/sad? Then the couples counselling comes up and it's just 'so how are you supporting her this week with this massive crisis that shoves your wants and needs aside yet again? Also say the right thing the right way or else.' Then if, by a miracle, they ask me about my wants or needs I shrug because, hey, they don't matter right? As long as she's satisfied?

And the focus on 'me' is definitely something I need to enforce, it's just hard because my upbringing hardwired me to help others and sacrifice myself. Codependency is fun to work through.

And as far as improvements go money is still a huge issue, and she doesn't seem to understand or care, chores are still a shrug, her attitude is overwhelmingly negative with a daily "I'm so tired" no matter what, launching into her drama while I get a 'how was work?' then back to her thing. Yeah, it's no wonder my sense of self has practically disappeared. Not to be super negative but it's like you said someone who takes all the oxygen in the room.

[ForeverDad]

Unless I'm mistaken, couples counseling's goal is to improve the relationship.  But what do you do if it doesn't improve, or by much?  That seems to be where you're hearing {crickets}.

It's up to you to decide whether there is any value left to continue the relationship, with your own T's insight as well.

Have you pondered these?  Discuss them with your T.
The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole

[salvyrn]

Those stories resonate completely. And yeah, I'm surprised the therapist has let this dynamic continue. Granted, there's some anxiety with opening up in there, and the therapist tries to give me space. But I feel like she puts on this permanent victim aura that convinces a lot of people, and presents a more upbeat, friendly, personable version of herself to others while I get one that's always tired and hates her work and always wants food. And the handful of times I do speak up we have very different words outside the session so there's the fear of retaliation. You know, healthy stuff .

I've even mentioned I don't know what my wants and needs are, and you'd think someone would say 'that's not good, what do you think they might be?' but nope. Then it's back to her coworkers or something.

[kells76]

When did couples therapy start?

Does the couples therapist ever do individual check-ins with either/both of you? (this is not uncommon)

Have you signed any releases for your individual T and the couples T to talk to each other?

As odd as it sounds, the current dynamic in CT might make sense, especially if CT started relatively recently.

[salvyrn]

CT started maybe 6 ish months ago? And it's a local collection of therapists and psychiatrists who all work together, and yes they are able to talk to one another to share notes, bring up things, etc. I only started this most recent therapist about a month or two ago, but they did offer to speak to the CT if need be. It's still pretty early for that though.

Our most recent CT session went better, I brought up money (she's the type to survive on 20 bucks for 2 weeks, which isn't good in my eyes.) And how any comment from me was 'judgement.' The CT helped break down that I'm not actively judging but showing concern and worry, especially because she wants a future, but that costs money and I'm not footing everything. Lots of tears were shed, but it's still exhausting having to reaffirm over and over and over and comfort and show understanding at the most basic of conflicts and disagreements.

[salvyrn]

Okay, so this weekend was somewhat eye opening. I've been reading about the 'favorite person' phenomenon, and I'm beginning to think that's my situation. I've had this feeling that something is just 'off' and I'm more of a utility than a person. So our struggle is money, as I've mentioned. She frequently ends up having to make 20 dollars last 2 weeks or so right after payday. Recently her dog ran out of his medication which costs forty bucks a month. I let her know a week ago, but since I heard no updates I randomly asked "have you ordered his medicine yet?"

You'd have thought I asked "Ayo how'd you get so fat?" because she flipped, immediately getting an attitude, saying "You know how much I'm struggling, I only have six dollars, you need to be more aware of how you ask questions, you need to put more thought into your words-" and on and on. Her mood was ruined, and I was practically berated for 20+ minutes. I eventually snapped back at how ridiculous it was to be berated for asking a simple question and left the room saying how terrible it was to walk on eggshells and how grunting like a caveman would be better in the long run.

Anyways, for the favorite person bit, it really does feel like I'm an emotional anchor. If she's in a bad mood I have to endure and help her get out of it. Every day she tells me how tired she is. Every. Day. Then about how she wants food because she's too tired to cook. Then about how her coworker sucks. Then out of mercy she'll ask how work was for me (normally "fine") then back to her endless exhaustion. Is this part of being a favorite person is being the dumping ground for their negativity and being required to empathize with them with the correct words and correct inflection?

Also random tangent, has anyone read the r/bpdlovedones subreddit? It resonates but there's a lot of criticisms from other boards there for almost 'villainizing' those with bpd.