Fourth time posting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello again everyone.

I’ve posted a few times about my situation here, I was out of the relationship but I tried to reconcile things. I ended up moving back with here and things immediately went horrible. I’m planning to leave after work today, thankfully kids are at their grandparents house.

My daughter redownloaded an app that she was not allowed to have. Her mother went absolutely crazy and screamed and berated me for 3 days straight. I work from home and she would not let me work and forced me to argue. She threw my work computer across the room and physically wouldn’t let me leave. She took my phone and keys and I could not get them from her without getting seriously physical.


While trying to get my phone so I could leave, she strangled me (again), bit me and punched me in the balls. Afterwards she’s been love bombing and trying to get sympathy. I have been trying to leave for two days and I just can’t take it anymore. I need to leave after work today

[NotHereButHere]

Hello again everyone.

I’ve posted a few times about my situation here, I was out of the relationship but I tried to reconcile things. I ended up moving back with here and things immediately went horrible. I’m planning to leave after work today, thankfully kids are at their grandparents house.

My daughter redownloaded an app that she was not allowed to have. Her mother went absolutely crazy and screamed and berated me for 3 days straight. I work from home and she would not let me work and forced me to argue. She threw my work computer across the room and physically wouldn’t let me leave. She took my phone and keys and I could not get them from her without getting seriously physical.


While trying to get my phone so I could leave, she strangled me (again), bit me and punched me in the balls. Afterwards she’s been love bombing and trying to get sympathy. I have been trying to leave for two days and I just can’t take it anymore. I need to leave after work today

[Tangled mangled]

Hello again everyone.

I’ve posted a few times about my situation here, I was out of the relationship but I tried to reconcile things. I ended up moving back with here and things immediately went horrible. I’m planning to leave after work today, thankfully kids are at their grandparents house.

My daughter redownloaded an app that she was not allowed to have. Her mother went absolutely crazy and screamed and berated me for 3 days straight. I work from home and she would not let me work and forced me to argue. She threw my work computer across the room and physically wouldn’t let me leave. She took my phone and keys and I could not get them from her without getting seriously physical.


While trying to get my phone so I could leave, she strangled me (again), bit me and punched me in the balls. Afterwards she’s been love bombing and trying to get sympathy. I have been trying to leave for two days and I just can’t take it anymore. I need to leave after work today

That sounds awful!
Is there any reason you can’t get the police involved, you’re being held against your will and she could claim you assaulted her. It’s better you escalate matters before she does because the last thing you want is to be dealing with a false DV claim in addition to the abuse.
You were wise not to get physical trying to get your phone and keys, but do you have a safety plan in place and video evidence.
Be prepared to support yourself with evidence, eg video or voice recordings,damaged laptop, bruises etc.

Can you get a spare key and phone to keep on you or hidden from her?
If I were in your situation I would involve the police before leaving just in case she raises hell and turns around to say you assaulted her

[kells76]

Hi again NHBH, glad we can keep on being here for you.

It's good to hear that the kids are at their grandparents' house. Smart to make sure they aren't around. How long will they be there? And is it your parents or her parents?

Will she be around the house today or will there be times she's gone?

...

I want to encourage you to carve out a few minutes to call your local DV hotline. We never think we'll have to... until we have to. I had to call for the first time ever, back in May (about stuff the kids told me about their mom's house). The hotline worker was calm, supportive, nonjudgmental, and informative. Our local DV hotline is totally anonymous, yours probably will be too, so it's not like they'll initiate some other action (CPS involvement, police call, etc) without you knowing. You're in charge when you call them; you can take all or none of their suggestions, and are allowed to hang up any time. If it's a local hotline they'll probably have a good feel for how things work specifically in your area, and how to exit in the safest way possible.

I made my calls in the car in the parking lot at work on breaks. Maybe you can take a walk or something today and make the call, then let us know what they tell you? Sound doable?

[NotHereButHere]

That sounds awful!
Is there any reason you can’t get the police involved, you’re being held against your will and she could claim you assaulted her. It’s better you escalate matters before she does because the last thing you want is to be dealing with a false DV claim in addition to the abuse.
You were wise not to get physical trying to get your phone and keys, but do you have a safety plan in place and video evidence.
Be prepared to support yourself with evidence, eg video or voice recordings,damaged laptop, bruises etc.

Can you get a spare key and phone to keep on you or hidden from her?
If I were in your situation I would involve the police before leaving just in case she raises hell and turns around to say you assaulted her

Thank you for the response! I considered getting police involved. I am worried that she will try to play the victim if I do. I took pictures at the scratches on my neck and the bite mark on my shoulder. During the fight she cut herself several times on the forearm, burned herself with a cigarette, and punched herself repeatedly in the head and face.

Today I am trying to work and she keeps trying to invite me to pamper her and tell her how awful her situation is. She’s insisting I’m not going anywhere but I’ve just stopped entertaining the argument. Ive gone complicit just to avoid another outburst and to finish work today.

But I certainly need to leave, it’s just going to happen over and over. She hasn’t worked for almost a year so she’s always home

[ForeverDad]

My ex too would rant and rage.  She also had a tendency to cut my mouse and keyboard cords so I usually bought a few at a time.  I had even built a computer for my preschooler but she threw it into the garage and bent it all out of shape.  Still I didn't report it.

Ex also would hit me.  One time she knocked my glasses off, cutting my nose.  I didn't report it either.  I was zoned out mostly, trying to contain the discord.  Didn't work.  Eventually I called the police.  That week ended our marriage and we separated.  (Well, really, it was her being arrested for Threat of DV that did it, but why quibble on the details?)

By then I had Accepted that there was nothing I could do to salvage the relationship.  Fifteen years together just gone.  That's the impact of such a vicious acting-out disorder.

Thank you for the response! I considered getting police involved. I am worried that she will try to play the victim if I do. I took pictures at the scratches on my neck and the bite mark on my shoulder. During the fight she cut herself several times on the forearm, burned herself with a cigarette, and punched herself repeatedly in the head and face.

You being bitten, etc really is DV.  It is reportable.  But you also need your ducks in a row so she doesn't find a way to sabotage you.  More than just an extra set of keys, quietly fill a backpack as a Go Bag with some clothes, keys, cash, etc so you can make an exit quickly.  Keep it in a safe place elsewhere.

Then be sure you don't let yourself be lured back for yet another ride on the sickening roller coaster of her life.  Get off the roller coaster and please stay off.  You can't fix her.  Only she can seek help for herself and therapy would still take years even if she applied it diligently.  Better to Let Go and Move On.  Focus on your parenting.

As to How To Leave... Can you have a friend be with you as you leave, as a witness?  DV typically is more likely to occur (1) in private scenarios (2) when no witnesses.

[NotHereButHere]

Hi again NHBH, glad we can keep on being here for you.

It's good to hear that the kids are at their grandparents' house. Smart to make sure they aren't around. How long will they be there? And is it your parents or her parents?

Will she be around the house today or will there be times she's gone?

...

I want to encourage you to carve out a few minutes to call your local DV hotline. We never think we'll have to... until we have to. I had to call for the first time ever, back in May (about stuff the kids told me about their mom's house). The hotline worker was calm, supportive, nonjudgmental, and informative. Our local DV hotline is totally anonymous, yours probably will be too, so it's not like they'll initiate some other action (CPS involvement, police call, etc) without you knowing. You're in charge when you call them; you can take all or none of their suggestions, and are allowed to hang up any time. If it's a local hotline they'll probably have a good feel for how things work specifically in your area, and how to exit in the safest way possible.

I made my calls in the car in the parking lot at work on breaks. Maybe you can take a walk or something today and make the call, then let us know what they tell you? Sound doable?

Thank you. She hasn’t worked for almost a year so she is always home. We have some history so this is not the first time I’ve been in a similar situation with her. I left 3/4 years ago and moved in with my parents so the kids are there with my parents before school was supposed to start.


I have finished work now, but I can’t seem to figure out how to leave. I have a lot of things I would need to get for myself and the kids in the house. I just don’t know how to initiate leaving. I’ve spent so long trying to deescalate her mood and trying to make things work it is so hard to just leave.

I know it’s best, and it won’t be easy.

[ForeverDad]

You may be avoiding this, but when my ex and I separated - I had a TPO which stated I had possession of our home - she had to get her personal possessions.  A police officer escorted her while she was there to ensure there were no scenes or incidents.

You may feel that's too much, asking the police for safe conduct to your own home, that it might get your ex too triggered, but it is better to be safe than sorry.  Also, if you have a friend who could accompany you to help carry things out, that might help ensure things stay peaceful.