Dating again?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have gone on three dates in three weeks and I am going on the fourth tomorrow. I know this process is different for everyone... and friends and family think it is too soon. I, however, do not. I don't want to waste time. If my "person" is one out of 1000, then I have 999 people to touch base with (not necessarily date). I am not the type of person to rebound... and I am actually incredibly secure (with all relationships except my BPD ex). The way I relate to my BPD ex is actually unique to the way I relate to any other relationship. However, I do think that I have learned that the feelings I had with him in the initial stages of love-bombing are the very thing I wish to avoid... and should I encounter them... I will know to close that door. Even though I know this, it does cause me a bit of anxiety when I happen upon a person who I think I will really "click" with. I can get infatuated kinda fast and have to constantly remind myself that I do not yet know them.

I went on a date Monday and I had a lot of fear with this one... fear that I wouldn't be able to see him clearly if we "click," since it seemed like we had a lot in common and he "ticked a lot of boxes," and I might ignore or excuse or explain away red flags. He was very affectionate and clearly very into me. Just like my ex, he is kinda acting like we are a couple after one date. I do not think this gentleman has BPD, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable... because... healthy relationships start out getting to know the other, not adoring them and laying claim to them quickly. I will not pursue seeing this man again because I am trusting my gut, no matter how many other boxes he ticks... it's not a healthy start.

I am trying to learn as much as I can in this process. I am glad to know that I am still the same confident woman I was before my BPD ex. I am glad to know that what I tell everyone is actually proving to be true (I am not going to just rebound into a relationship with the next man who shows me affection).

The first man I went on two dates with tried to rope me in with a "this could all be yours" flaunting of his wealth and lifestyle. He was so into me he couldn't stop peacocking... which he didn't need to do... I liked him well enough as a person. I was the apple of his eye immediately. We actually did hit it off, but I remained slow and cautious and took my time asking good questions and learning about him. He was the one who ended up getting freaked out about his feelings for me and pulled away due to "intimidation." It was kinda sad, but no biggie... this happens with me from time to time... they get a little freaked out by their feelings and if they are anxious... sometimes pull away. When that happens, I don't tug on the rope... they can go... I want to meet a secure partner... not one who is anxious or avoidant. At any rate, this was proof that I can navigate dating without being too vulnerable, seeking external validation, or moving in toxic ways. 

I am meeting up with a person tomorrow for dinner. We matched as friends and we have both experienced similar things... his ex was BPD as well... and she put him through hell for 2 years. He has a "fixer" side of him that he wants to get control over before getting into another relationship. I feel like I am in the same boat. When we have dinner, I am sure we will share stories and commiserate as friends, since we have both agreed that's what we want to pursue with each other for now... but I have a feeling that his "fixer" mentality may be a little stronger than mine... and upon hearing my stories, will subconsciously want to be my next knight in shining armor. Luckily he seems quite self-aware and I believe I can communicate with him effectively... as my therapist suggests that if he does "fixer" things or makes "fixer" statements, I call him out on it... because, after all, if we are friends, friends help hold each other accountable after learning about self-development goals... if he wants to get better at that, then I can try to help course-correct if he does it with me (and I fully suspect he will).

It can be both a blessing and a curse that I am a charismatic woman, and many people find me attractive. I have a lot going for me, and men are often smitten pretty quickly, so I know for certain I am not going to run to the next person offering love. Otherwise, I would have done that already. I casually dated 20 people in about one year's time before becoming exclusive with my BPD ex... and they were all smitten... but their affection didn't hook me. It's not hooking me now. New men cannot fill the void my ex left, and that's up to me. It has nothing to do with them. Thank goodness it doesn't carry over for me.  I created a dating app account and had 1500 likes on the first day... I also use another app, which gets far too many likes daily to manage. Obviously, it kinda slows a little over time... but every day, I probably have to sort through about 100 people locally who have liked me. It's exhausting but also very validating, even though I can validate myself just fine. The ball is in my court... and I want to keep it that way... I see it as we each have a ball and a court of our own... having that ball doesn't mean the other person is at my mercy... we always have the ability to choose for ourselves. As I navigate the dating world again, my eyes are WIDE open... not only on them but also on me.

I find that it is actually helping my process... seeing that other options DO exist. I have to tell them I am not emotionally unavailable at the moment, so it will be a slow burn if they want to invest in me. Gotta be honest. I also think it helps with my process because of the feelings it brings up regarding my ex... I am confronting those now to try to get over this faster... I am in a state of what feels like hyper-vigilance regarding my mental and emotional health. I am taking control of my destiny... but I have my foot on the gas pedal, and it's to the floor. I want to do everything I can to hold myself accountable and identify self-deception. I want to try to use this dumpster fire situation to grow into an even stronger, self-aware individual.

According to my therapist, who is impressed and very proud of my strong will to overcome this, I need to relax. He's right. My childhood trauma and other traumas of my life have contributed to this tenaciously determined version of myself where the gloves come off, and I reclaim my destiny with strategic vigor. I have had to do that so many times in my life... and I am doing it again... I feel like it is not destructive... but maybe that's just self-deception...?

What are your suggestions regarding dating moving forward?

[HealthTeacher]

I have gone on three dates in three weeks and I am going on the fourth tomorrow. I know this process is different for everyone... and friends and family think it is too soon. I, however, do not. I don't want to waste time. If my "person" is one out of 1000, then I have 999 people to touch base with (not necessarily date). I am not the type of person to rebound... and I am actually incredibly secure (with all relationships except my BPD ex). The way I relate to my BPD ex is actually unique to the way I relate to any other relationship. However, I do think that I have learned that the feelings I had with him in the initial stages of love-bombing are the very thing I wish to avoid... and should I encounter them... I will know to close that door. Even though I know this, it does cause me a bit of anxiety when I happen upon a person who I think I will really "click" with. I can get infatuated kinda fast and have to constantly remind myself that I do not yet know them.

I went on a date Monday and I had a lot of fear with this one... fear that I wouldn't be able to see him clearly if we "click," since it seemed like we had a lot in common and he "ticked a lot of boxes," and I might ignore or excuse or explain away red flags. He was very affectionate and clearly very into me. Just like my ex, he is kinda acting like we are a couple after one date. I do not think this gentleman has BPD, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable... because... healthy relationships start out getting to know the other, not adoring them and laying claim to them quickly. I will not pursue seeing this man again because I am trusting my gut, no matter how many other boxes he ticks... it's not a healthy start.

I am trying to learn as much as I can in this process. I am glad to know that I am still the same confident woman I was before my BPD ex. I am glad to know that what I tell everyone is actually proving to be true (I am not going to just rebound into a relationship with the next man who shows me affection).

The first man I went on two dates with tried to rope me in with a "this could all be yours" flaunting of his wealth and lifestyle. He was so into me he couldn't stop peacocking... which he didn't need to do... I liked him well enough as a person. I was the apple of his eye immediately. We actually did hit it off, but I remained slow and cautious and took my time asking good questions and learning about him. He was the one who ended up getting freaked out about his feelings for me and pulled away due to "intimidation." It was kinda sad, but no biggie... this happens with me from time to time... they get a little freaked out by their feelings and if they are anxious... sometimes pull away. When that happens, I don't tug on the rope... they can go... I want to meet a secure partner... not one who is anxious or avoidant. At any rate, this was proof that I can navigate dating without being too vulnerable, seeking external validation, or moving in toxic ways. 

I am meeting up with a person tomorrow for dinner. We matched as friends and we have both experienced similar things... his ex was BPD as well... and she put him through hell for 2 years. He has a "fixer" side of him that he wants to get control over before getting into another relationship. I feel like I am in the same boat. When we have dinner, I am sure we will share stories and commiserate as friends, since we have both agreed that's what we want to pursue with each other for now... but I have a feeling that his "fixer" mentality may be a little stronger than mine... and upon hearing my stories, will subconsciously want to be my next knight in shining armor. Luckily he seems quite self-aware and I believe I can communicate with him effectively... as my therapist suggests that if he does "fixer" things or makes "fixer" statements, I call him out on it... because, after all, if we are friends, friends help hold each other accountable after learning about self-development goals... if he wants to get better at that, then I can try to help course-correct if he does it with me (and I fully suspect he will).

It can be both a blessing and a curse that I am a charismatic woman, and many people find me attractive. I have a lot going for me, and men are often smitten pretty quickly, so I know for certain I am not going to run to the next person offering love. Otherwise, I would have done that already. I casually dated 20 people in about one year's time before becoming exclusive with my BPD ex... and they were all smitten... but their affection didn't hook me. It's not hooking me now. New men cannot fill the void my ex left, and that's up to me. It has nothing to do with them. Thank goodness it doesn't carry over for me.  I created a dating app account and had 1500 likes on the first day... I also use another app, which gets far too many likes daily to manage. Obviously, it kinda slows a little over time... but every day, I probably have to sort through about 100 people locally who have liked me. It's exhausting but also very validating, even though I can validate myself just fine. The ball is in my court... and I want to keep it that way... I see it as we each have a ball and a court of our own... having that ball doesn't mean the other person is at my mercy... we always have the ability to choose for ourselves. As I navigate the dating world again, my eyes are WIDE open... not only on them but also on me.

I find that it is actually helping my process... seeing that other options DO exist. I have to tell them I am not emotionally unavailable at the moment, so it will be a slow burn if they want to invest in me. Gotta be honest. I also think it helps with my process because of the feelings it brings up regarding my ex... I am confronting those now to try to get over this faster... I am in a state of what feels like hyper-vigilance regarding my mental and emotional health. I am taking control of my destiny... but I have my foot on the gas pedal, and it's to the floor. I want to do everything I can to hold myself accountable and identify self-deception. I want to try to use this dumpster fire situation to grow into an even stronger, self-aware individual.

According to my therapist, who is impressed and very proud of my strong will to overcome this, I need to relax. He's right. My childhood trauma and other traumas of my life have contributed to this tenaciously determined version of myself where the gloves come off, and I reclaim my destiny with strategic vigor. I have had to do that so many times in my life... and I am doing it again... I feel like it is not destructive... but maybe that's just self-deception...?

What are your suggestions regarding dating moving forward?

[try2heal]

I feel the need to start getting on dating sites, if only to solidify my resolve to truly end this relationship. BUT I'm so fearful. And I don't remember how to start. 
You're helping me some (though you seem to be a bigger draw than I....)

[seekingtheway]

Hi Healthteacher,

As you say, deciding to date again is a very individual process. So it's absolutely up to you if and when you feel ready to get out there again.

However, I hope it's okay for me to reflect a few things back to you from your post...

You said that you sometimes get infatuated quickly and have to remind yourself that you don't know the person well yet. And you also mentioned that you are not yet emotionally available, and whoever you meet will need to be okay with taking it at your pace until the time you do become emotionally available.

You also pointed out that you are definitely seeking a secure relationship - and these two things could potentially be blockers in that process. Secure relationships tend to form when both people are emotionally available... otherwise it can create an imbalance from the beginning and form a push/pull scenario.

Personally, I have needed time to heal after the chaos of being in a relationship with someone with BPD traits. There are wounds that need to be tended to, and some of those wounds have disconnected me from myself, but the journey of coming back to self is one I need to take alone and outside of a relationship. My psychologist said that getting back into dating can lessen some of the pain from a Cluster B breakup (distraction), but the timeframe for a lot of people to heal from an abusive relationship is a year or beyond. But, like I say, we all get to the place we want to go in different ways. You do you!

In any case, it sounds like when you are ready to go, you have an extremely large pool of candidates to sift through. That's honestly quite incredible!!

[Missygirl]

I'm terrified of dating again (more like for the FIRST TIME) Since he was my first relationship, first kiss, first everything.
The gradual transition from
Just being  friends ->I think I like you ->Dating in highschool->Moving in together
= frantic break up-make up cycle 
It scares the everlasting heck outta me.
I don't know to flirt!? Let alone the dynamics of dating??
Getting to know someone new is so foreign and scary.

I applaud you for being fearless. And its amazing your strength in knowing your boundaries.

I think mine have been so trampled I need to start rediscovering what I stand for before I risk losing it again .