Aghast and mortified

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am the mother of an adopted adult daughter diagnosed with BPD. I’ve been through it all the promiscuous behavior with unsavory men. The rampant drug abuse including while pregnant. Prostitution while pregnant and high risk physical behavior. This past month my daughter after coming into a significant settlement promptly bought herself expensive jewelry and a gold tooth. She has posted vulgar photos on an account that my family and friends have access to and is showing her vulva in one of them. She is flashing her cash and newly obtained valuables online and I am scared to death that someone will rob or kill her for them. I have blocked her because she just will not listen to my concerns. I can’t watch anymore. I can’t take one more middle of the night phone call of her crying and then going back to do the same destructive things. I wait for a phone call telling me that I have to come identify her body. I’m beyond brokenhearted as I had so much hope for her but she cannot seem to stop spiraling. I’m at a complete loss.

[Foolingmyself]

I am the mother of an adopted adult daughter diagnosed with BPD. I’ve been through it all the promiscuous behavior with unsavory men. The rampant drug abuse including while pregnant. Prostitution while pregnant and high risk physical behavior. This past month my daughter after coming into a significant settlement promptly bought herself expensive jewelry and a gold tooth. She has posted vulgar photos on an account that my family and friends have access to and is showing her vulva in one of them. She is flashing her cash and newly obtained valuables online and I am scared to death that someone will rob or kill her for them. I have blocked her because she just will not listen to my concerns. I can’t watch anymore. I can’t take one more middle of the night phone call of her crying and then going back to do the same destructive things. I wait for a phone call telling me that I have to come identify her body. I’m beyond brokenhearted as I had so much hope for her but she cannot seem to stop spiraling. I’m at a complete loss.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Foolingmyself
It is absolutely heart breaking stuff. All the things you describe are the criteria for BPD - impulsivity in areas such as sex, spending - frantic efforts to avoid abandonment etc

My DD is low functioning but as she was growing up she was very attractive (it breaks my heart to see how she looks now) and of course she got a lot of attention from men. This was her way of avoiding intense feeling of abandonment.
 
This has taken me on a chaotic journey of dealing with DV, the effects of substance abuse, financial issues  - and of course those frantic mid night calls.

It is exhausting and sad.

You have done all you can and said all you can say. Your words will be there when DD is able to hear them. At the moment it sounds as though her emotional dysregulation is very high.

You have your own life journey too and it seems this is the moment to do the things you need to do in order to respect that. The first step is the blocking. You are in enough pain and need to close off the sad details of what your DD is doing etc.

What other boundaries can you put around yourself to help you at this moment in time? Do you have a counsellor? If not would that help?

The road your DD is on is high risk and you are well aware of the possible consequences. These consequences are not absolutely inevitable though, and things can turn around certainly. What is so hard is that we have no control over how things will develop.

You have done everything you can that has been in your control. At the times when I have bee/am most anxious about what will happen to my DD I repeat the mantra 'I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it' over and over again.

It brings me back to the cause of all that is happening: my DD has a serious, very serious mental health condition that is complex and difficult to understand. It helps me to remember this when I am so frustrated at the impossible road the condition takes us all on.

When I come here and read the posts it is reminds me that I am not alone so thank you for your post.

[js friend]

Oh my, this is a truly difficult one

I guess you could ask the police to do a wellness check if you feel that your dd's mental health is truly spiralling. It also may actually uncover other things like if she is being forced to do these things online.

[Foolingmyself]

I just feel up in the air at the moment. Hoping for some better news. Going about my daily routine. Having a lot of physical symptoms of stress in my stomach. Feels like a constant churning sensation.

[kells76]

Your situation is so difficult and heartbreaking. All you want is for your daughter to be safe and loved, but she is not interested in making safe choices right now.

Given that you realize that she is closed off to hearing your concerns or advice, it makes sense to block hearing about her choices.

Is she still in touch with any other family members right now?

And what kind of support do you have? Are there friends or family who understand the challenges? Do you have a counselor/therapist for yourself?

Sometimes we can also feel supported and grounded when we educate ourselves. I wonder if there's a local crisis line/intervention team that you could call, where you could explain the situation and learn from them what options are available in your community.

Really glad you checked back in. Doing your daily routine while noticing how your body feels is wise.

What's something coming up in your life that you are looking forward to?

[Foolingmyself]

She’s in touch with someone but of course not giving the full picture of what she is engaging in. I have support of my spouse and a good friend. I am starting to take walks to center myself. Sometimes though I will get caught in a flurry of worries thinking about her safety but I have no control over that. I guess that part is inevitable.