Partner with BPD struggled with my child.

[Magu84]

Hi everyone,

I just recently came across this board and it's great support for people wanting to understand BPD more.

A little background, my partner has been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD, over the past 3 years it has been very tough and I always feel I have to try and put out so many fires, the verbal assaults, the suicide attempts which have now stopped since she stopped drinking alcohol but the continuous berating for everything I do is hard but I do love this person and I am trying everything I can to help her move forward with this condition.

The major thing I find is the relationship she has my my kid from another relationship,  it heightens her BPD symptoms and whenever my child is around the outbursts get worse and it's like walking on eggshells, having to difuse the situation and she then calms down  but is ready to go again at any stage.  My child is now starting to pick up on this and I do not want my child experiencing this, she is to young to understand what exactly is going on.  Some of the comments she says are not worth repeating but these are in private and not in front of my child but they are still very damaging.

I don't know why I'm actually posting this, maybe to get it off my chest and relate to others that maybe going through something similar.

But thanks for reading and listening.

If anyone has gone through something similar I would love to hear your story.

Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD typically aren't equipped to deal properly with children.  Their dysfunctional thinking can impact everyone in their circle of contact.

That you're trying to keep things under control is admirable but unlikely to work.  BPD is a disorder of close relationships.  And what is closer than spouses or family?  It is largely the emotional baggage of the relationship's history that blocks the pwBPD from truly listening to you.  Oh, there may be moments in time when you think things are better, but they don't last for long.

What experience has taught us is that the best hope for improvement is with intensive therapy with an experienced therapist that continues for years.  Even then - at least for a great many of us here in peer support - that's a slim expectation.  So the real question is whether your partner is making or will make long term substantive progress in therapy.

Your description of your family life doesn't sound like progressive therapy and increasingly positive environment.  At some point you may feel the relationship just cannot work.

That said, it would first be wise for you not to have children with your partner until you're sure partner's issues have been addressed long term in intensive therapy.  Why?  Because if not resolved, then your very relationship is in question when you experience some scenarios that essentially boil down to... support my partner OR support my child.  Sadly, it too often does come down to that Either/Or reality.

[AskingWhy]

My uBPDH was married to a likely uNPD wife.  She messed up the three children when she got sole custody.  Adult S a drug addict, younger D likely NPD (a school bully), older D kicked out of military for promiscuity and suicide attempt.

BPDs are strange around children.

H had periodic custody for school breaks where he emotionally enmeshed his 2 Ds.  The younger D was very physically developed at her age, and looked 19 when she was 14. H was crazy in love with her and treated her like a mistress when she was around:  contriving to be alone with her, getting all giggly at her jokes, etc.  I don't think anything physical occurred but still it was creepy.

BPDs have no boundaries. You know what's best for your child.