Going no contact with uBPD sister. How do I get through to my parents?

[bing24]

New to the forum. Repost as I think I posted in the wrong spot LOL. I have a sister with BPD who I have decided to go no contact with after a lash out directed towards me.

For background: I’m a young adult in my 20’s. My parents are in their 70’s and my sister is in her 40’s. She lives with them but I l don’t. Huge age gap bc I’m adopted.

Anyways, I plan to have a conversation with my parents privately about this matter. I have written down a long note explaining my feelings and how this all has affected me. Throughout the years, she’s made it so I’ve never really felt comfortable being honest with my parents or ever shown much emotion, so I honestly do feel like I’ve kinda left them in the dark about all of this.

That being said, going no contact with my sister might affect my relationship with my parents since they are in the same house and I don’t know what they will decide to do. I don’t doubt that they will still love and accept my decision, it’s more so how it will effect our relationship as child and parent.

I’ve included in the letter that I don’t blame them for how they decided to navigate all of this. In a way, they’re also in this destructive cycle and maybe have some stockholm syndrome. They’re also older, so they might feel like her behavior is just something they should accept.

For any parents out there: Was there a moment where the fog lifted or you realized that something needed to be done? It’s probably not right to want my parents to go low/no contact with her. I know it’s their decision to make but in a way it kinda feels like they need saving too. She is very manipulative and verbally/somewhat physically abusive.

I guess I’m just looking for your personal experience, advice, anything. Please feel free to share anything you have bc I’m really struggling.

[Notwendy]

I understand your situation. One thing to keep in mind is family dynamics- they may not be personal to you. Families where there is a disordered person tend to arrange themselves in behavior patterns that serve to "balance" the family. These patterns can persist over generations. A child growing up in this kind of family sees this as "normal" or familiar.

Also, parents want to protect their children. This can result in them becoming enablers to a disordered child. To think of their child being unable to have a place to stay or food can be unthinkable to a parent- it's a very difficult position to be in. Your parents are likely in some kind of ebabling postion with your sister. I think it is good that you don't blame them. They may not know any other way. Parents love their children no matter what.

Many families operate with Karpman triangle dynamics. Consider the possibility your parents will step in to "rescuer" position for your sister and align with her. This doesn't mean you don't have your boundaries- you should have them, but also don't take your parents' reaction personally if they follow that pattern.

Each person has a role in keeping the family in balance. When one person changes their part- (you in this situation), the other family members feel imbalance and try to get the person back into their usual behaviors. If the person doesn't comply - they may even reject that person and realign themselves into a new pattern.

In my situation, I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but I had to have boundaries with her around my kids and also with her myself. I thought I had a good relationship with my father and assumed he'd understand. My father's main role was to be the protector of my mother. In Karpman triangle dynamics, BPD mother took victim perspective. Dad aligned with her as "rescuer".

It's unfortunate that if we have boundaries, it can impact our relationships with family members. However, boundaries are also necessary when there is a family member who is abusive in some way. You have the right to have boundaries with your sister. Your parents may react to this- and appear to not understand but I think they probably do. Just don't be emotionally reactive to their reaction.