Feeling like a failure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi forum,

Today I'm feeling like a failure.  I've been working through unpacking more of my things from the move.  I've come across a few things that remind me of her.  And this reminds me of other times when I've had to work through a break up.  Except this time I'm the one who asked for it.

I realize that she is a special needs person.  She would require a great deal of love and support.  But ultimately what she needed was for me to give up my life to focus on her.  She needed, needs someone that can set aside everything.  That can't be me.

It's times like these that I think of the pain she's going through.  She needs special support and I don't feel it's likely that she'll find someone who can give her what she needs.

But what if she managed to take on this need and realize that she could amend it in some way?  What then.

I'm hearing her words in the back of my mind.  That if I just tried harder then it would work out.  Weirdly she's sort of right.  Unfortunately the cost to my happiness would be too great.

Does she have the capacity to own her own stuff and work through it?  The logical part of me says no but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard right now but I know in the end this is what I need.  I'll never get to the place I want to be in life remaining with her.  I'd have to constantly be living under her heel.  That's no way to live.

I am a very optimistic person.  It's a blessing and a curse at times.  I work hard to make things happen but sometimes I don't recognize when working harder just won't get it done.  This is one of those cases.

Just feeling like a failure today...

[usagi]

Hi forum,

Today I'm feeling like a failure.  I've been working through unpacking more of my things from the move.  I've come across a few things that remind me of her.  And this reminds me of other times when I've had to work through a break up.  Except this time I'm the one who asked for it.

I realize that she is a special needs person.  She would require a great deal of love and support.  But ultimately what she needed was for me to give up my life to focus on her.  She needed, needs someone that can set aside everything.  That can't be me.

It's times like these that I think of the pain she's going through.  She needs special support and I don't feel it's likely that she'll find someone who can give her what she needs.

But what if she managed to take on this need and realize that she could amend it in some way?  What then.

I'm hearing her words in the back of my mind.  That if I just tried harder then it would work out.  Weirdly she's sort of right.  Unfortunately the cost to my happiness would be too great.

Does she have the capacity to own her own stuff and work through it?  The logical part of me says no but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard right now but I know in the end this is what I need.  I'll never get to the place I want to be in life remaining with her.  I'd have to constantly be living under her heel.  That's no way to live.

I am a very optimistic person.  It's a blessing and a curse at times.  I work hard to make things happen but sometimes I don't recognize when working harder just won't get it done.  This is one of those cases.

Just feeling like a failure today...

[Pensive1]

I can recognize the feeling you're expressing, of having failed my BPD ex. In my case, that feeling is mitigated by the fact that she monkeybranched and left me, so I don't carry responsibility for ending the relationship.

On "Does she have the capacity to own her own stuff and work through it?"... Perhaps she doesn't have that capacity in herself, but could get there given the supplementary capacities of a good therapist, if your ex can avoid bailing on therapy (as many people with BPD do). Right now, I'm cautiously optimistic on that front with my ex, for whom I found an excellent therapist practicing Schema Therapy (where Schema Therapy provides limited reparenting, and where data suggests it may have the greatest efficacy among existing forms of therapy for BPD).

I suspect a lot of people in relationships with people with BPD may have a strong maladaptive self-sacrifice schema. That's definitely true of me. Indeed, one factor that contributed to the demise of my relationship was that I was allocating a lot of my time seeking to help other people and groups at the expense of time caretaking my BPD ex. It's healthy that you were able to recognize that your own wellbeing and happiness mattered too. I've seen occasional posts online from people who apparently did end up essentially setting aside everything else for a BPD ex, and the relationship still failed, given the bottomless need and distortions in thinking of their BPD partner.

[usagi]

Thank you Pensive,

I think that is the trap.  I feel like maybe if I try harder it will fill her needs but in truth nothing will.  I did finally come to that conclusion on my own.

I think like a lot of people on this forum, I want half of the person but not the other.  There is part of her that isn't dysfunctional, or at least it seems that is the case.  When everything is going smoothly I loved being with her.  It didn't take much to upset that apple cart though.

I'm also just feeling, damn it I have to start all over again.  I invested almost 5 years of my life in this relationship.  I do not relish the prospect of dating again but I don't have to tackle that problem right now.

[Pensive1]

There is part of her that isn't dysfunctional, or at least it seems that is the case.  When everything is going smoothly I loved being with her.  It didn't take much to upset that apple cart though.

Yes, the same with my own ex. When I decided to end most contact with her (after she monkeybranched), she referred, with sadness, to "the ocean of compatibility" between us. And there was truth to that. Compatibility in many basic values, political views, aesthetic preferences, things we enjoyed doing, education levels and intellectual predilections, etc. And this wasn't due to mirroring - I'm speaking here of what's clear after a very long-term relationship. Our favorite activity was walking in nature, and I've gone walking with many other people and it's not as enjoyable, since other people are not as observant, often want to rush, etc. And my ex has made similar comments - her current partner (a married NPD guy who is cheating with her) is much less compatible with her in nature walks, political views, etc.

But then there were the mental health issues (predominantly her BPD; but my own issues from childhood trauma didn't help), and that wrecked our relationship. And as you say, it didn't take much to upset the applecart. Any small thing (e.g., me being a few minutes late, which she would experience as abandonment, or me disagreeing with her, which she would experience as rejection) could set her off into a rage, such that about every two weeks she would declare the relationship over.

My subsequent dating attempts haven't been very successful so far. I think the proportion of women who are really compatible with me is low. In the case of one woman, we became very close, and I thought there was good compatibility. There was a dalliance that went on for over a year. But then she blew it up a couple weeks ago because of a fundamental incompatibility (basically having to do with thinking for oneself versus accepting whatever a favored authority figure says). On this particular issue again, my BPD ex and I had good compatibility (when logic and evidence contradicted what a supposed authority said, we each would go with the former). So I find myself missing her and a bit morose right now.

[usagi]

Yes we did have a lot in common for sure.  Love of art, music, nature, good stories (books/movies).  She also was a noticer.  That was something that she had believed, that her intensity was also tied to her ability to notice things and be in wonder at the world.  I don't think that's really true because I also wonder at the world.

There is no such thing as a perfect partner.  I think I'm realizing that it's not so much the physical interests that are important.  My needs are tied more to the emotional connection.  That can be bolstered by common interests but the emotion needs to be there.  I need someone who can encourage my relationships and activities outside of the relationship so that I can be more present with them.

I am the type of person to take on all the problems thought.  Which is why I was feeling like a failure yesterday.

The other night I had a dream that my ex, her son, and I were all living in the house I grew up in.  It was late at night and I heard something that got me out of bed.  I go to the garage and see that all the cars are gone and the garage door is wide open.  I rush inside to check on my ex and she asks me if I still want to break up.  I stand there dumbfounded and the dream ends.

I think I'm still wrestling with this a bit.  I am getting a lot of encouragement from friends to hold to my decision and I know it's the right one.  But part of me misses her a lot.  Then I'm reminded of the blame and disrespect and that longing disappears.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi forum,

Today I'm feeling like a failure.  I've been working through unpacking more of my things from the move.  I've come across a few things that remind me of her.  And this reminds me of other times when I've had to work through a break up.  Except this time I'm the one who asked for it.

I realize that she is a special needs person.  She would require a great deal of love and support.  But ultimately what she needed was for me to give up my life to focus on her.  She needed, needs someone that can set aside everything.  That can't be me.

It's times like these that I think of the pain she's going through.  She needs special support and I don't feel it's likely that she'll find someone who can give her what she needs.

But what if she managed to take on this need and realize that she could amend it in some way?  What then.

I'm hearing her words in the back of my mind.  That if I just tried harder then it would work out.  Weirdly she's sort of right.  Unfortunately the cost to my happiness would be too great.

Does she have the capacity to own her own stuff and work through it?  The logical part of me says no but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard right now but I know in the end this is what I need.  I'll never get to the place I want to be in life remaining with her.  I'd have to constantly be living under her heel.  That's no way to live.

I am a very optimistic person.  It's a blessing and a curse at times.  I work hard to make things happen but sometimes I don't recognize when working harder just won't get it done.  This is one of those cases.

Just feeling like a failure today...

My friend all I can ask is why feel like a failure? Explain that to me.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[usagi]

Hi SC,

I felt like a failure on Sunday because I take on too much.  I think this is part of my care taker self that I'm trying to work on.  My therapist recently theorized that I have been working harder and harder in the relationship in an attempt to "prove her wrong."  My ex would make statements about my behavior and I would try to show her it wasn't true.  I felt a sense of responsibility this weekend that maybe I hadn't given her a chance and that there were more things I could do.  In hindsight I don't believe that's true.

Last night I got home late from visiting friends and found my ex waiting at my door.  I just sat in my car for a moment with my jaw hanging open.  She came over and wanted to talk and I just shook my head.  I eventually had to just drive off when she tried opening my car door.  This is an entirely new level for me.  I drove to a local big box store and parked for about a half an hour to make sure she'd leave.  I've told her before that I wasn't in a position to see her or talk in person.  I said that I needed space because it was too painful for me to see her.

This morning I texted her therapist and relayed what had happened.  The office she works at is only a few blocks from my office and I'm concerned that she'll just show up at my door.  I can keep the door locked while I'm here so she can't just walk in, like she's done in the past.

And now I feel like I need to hide from her.  I'm hoping she will eventually respect this boundary.  I've had friends suggest that I may need a restraining order.  I've never considered that for anyone in my life before.  I'd rather not have to go to such lengths with her.  I realize she's being driven by her fears and attachment to me.

I used to have some decals on my care that represented my family.  This weekend I was looking at that and felt such pain.  I decided it was OK for me to remove them so I did.  Yesterday my ex ended up behind me in traffic at a light and saw that I had removed them.  I think that's what drove this behavior.

I feel like I need to hide in my office and home now.  This isn't healthy.  I've actually considered getting out of town to visit relatives or friends and just work from there.  I honestly don't think that's healthy either.  I shouldn't have to feel like I need to run and hide from my ex.

[HealthTeacher]

I understand the feeling like a failure part... especially because you have likely experienced a lot of gaslighting and blame-shifting. Nobody is super-human... and when it comes to this neediness she's experiencing, I like to call it "chronic dissatisfaction" because it is chronic... and it may never actually go away. There may have never been an end to it... no matter what a person does... there may always be something.

I know you know this with your logical mind. I also know the feeling emotionally that if you could only just hold-out a little longer.

One person here... on a different thread... mentioned the concept of cathexis. I looked it up. It really resonated with me. Look it up... is she a slot machine you have put all of your attention into, with some little wins here and there... but you are holding out for the big prize? Afraid that someone else might get that prize because they were willing to invest just a little bit more... or, the dreaded concept that they were on the cusp of change and someone else will reap the reward even though you had already invested so much?

There's also the issue of vasopressin for males... the more she got you to take care of her, the more attached you became... physiologically... because it created a bond in a very primal way. For women, oxytocin is more of a bonding chemical... but for men, it's vasopressin... the more she got you to do things for her to take care of her needs, the more she became "yours." It is also responsible for reducing the likelihood that you develop attraction to other women... it's primal... but over time and with no contact, the bond will lessen... and if you eventually push yourself to entertain the thought of another romantic partner... and do things for them instead, you will be able to form a new bond. You can only get her out of your mind (cathexis) by giving that mental energy to other things (several other things)... and you can break your vasopressin bond by not giving her what she needs/wants anymore... and maybe giving to others...

[usagi]

That's really interesting HT.  I'll have to consider that.  I'd not heard of cathexis or vasopressin before.

I think it's definitely possible that I formed a bond in that way.  Thinking the more she needed me the more she was my person and that she can't get by without me.

Right now I'm just concerned from what happened last night that I'll have to be dodging her for a while.  That she'll just show up at my work place or home unexpectedly.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi SC,

I felt like a failure on Sunday because I take on too much.  I think this is part of my care taker self that I'm trying to work on.  My therapist recently theorized that I have been working harder and harder in the relationship in an attempt to "prove her wrong."  My ex would make statements about my behavior and I would try to show her it wasn't true.  I felt a sense of responsibility this weekend that maybe I hadn't given her a chance and that there were more things I could do.  In hindsight I don't believe that's true.

Last night I got home late from visiting friends and found my ex waiting at my door.  I just sat in my car for a moment with my jaw hanging open.  She came over and wanted to talk and I just shook my head.  I eventually had to just drive off when she tried opening my car door.  This is an entirely new level for me.  I drove to a local big box store and parked for about a half an hour to make sure she'd leave.  I've told her before that I wasn't in a position to see her or talk in person.  I said that I needed space because it was too painful for me to see her.

This morning I texted her therapist and relayed what had happened.  The office she works at is only a few blocks from my office and I'm concerned that she'll just show up at my door.  I can keep the door locked while I'm here so she can't just walk in, like she's done in the past.

And now I feel like I need to hide from her.  I'm hoping she will eventually respect this boundary.  I've had friends suggest that I may need a restraining order.  I've never considered that for anyone in my life before.  I'd rather not have to go to such lengths with her.  I realize she's being driven by her fears and attachment to me.

I used to have some decals on my care that represented my family.  This weekend I was looking at that and felt such pain.  I decided it was OK for me to remove them so I did.  Yesterday my ex ended up behind me in traffic at a light and saw that I had removed them.  I think that's what drove this behavior.

I feel like I need to hide in my office and home now.  This isn't healthy.  I've actually considered getting out of town to visit relatives or friends and just work from there.  I honestly don't think that's healthy either.  I shouldn't have to feel like I need to run and hide from my ex.

You are a not a failure at all my friend. I understand and get the overwhelming feelings. Trust me I do. However, let's use some perspective here. You are not a failure, but the relationship failed. It doesn't mean you failed. Sometimes in life S happens and S just doesn't work out. It is what it is and you move on and learn from the experience.

Don't run and hide. Stand your ground. Be firm and indifferent if you have to have any confrontation again. You control your emotions, your emotions do not control YOU.

Keep your head and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Again...YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[usagi]

Thanks for the kind words SC.

Focusing on moving forward today.  I have some things to sort out with work and I may go meet up with my friends to do my hobby tonight.  We'll see.  Individual therapy session today as well.  Still processing a lot of emotions for sure!

[PeteWitsend]

...
I'm hearing her words in the back of my mind.  That if I just tried harder then it would work out.  Weirdly she's sort of right.  Unfortunately the cost to my happiness would be too great.

....

you keep going out of your way to justify this person's behavior and rationalize their disordered thoughts and behavior for them.

You can't know what any other person is REALLY thinking, especially not a pwBPD!  That's the very nature of their disorder in a way.  So stop trying.

On some level she could be sad she lost you but while you're imagining her heartbroken and sad, it could mean anything on her end. 

If she's anything like my ex, while she's telling you one thing, she's telling the opposite to other people.  At the same time she was begging me to stay and try to work it out, I heard from someone else that she went to a party and told people she only said that because she didn't want to have to find a new man and endure the expense of a divorce.  This was on top of telling people a whole slew of made up nonsense about me to try to ruin my reputation...

[PeteWitsend]

Thanks for the kind words SC.

Focusing on moving forward today.  I have some things to sort out with work and I may go meet up with my friends to do my hobby tonight.  We'll see.  Individual therapy session today as well.  Still processing a lot of emotions for sure!

It sounds like you're moving forward, but still unwinding all the "twists" and "kinks" this person worked into your thinking.  It's preventing you from seeing things clearly, although it's really good on your part you stood your ground and didn't let her in your car.  Don't be so hard on yourself... you're far from a failure.

[ParentingThruIt]

I'm so glad the failure feeling isn't too persistent and you can see it in a different light a few days later.

I struggle with the same feelings. My uBPD ex and I have kids and they are sad about the divorce too. I feel like their dad and I failed them, and (less over time but still) I wonder whether I am "missing the boat" on something.

In those moments it helps to remember his more extreme bouts of disordered thinking, rages, how hard I tried to have basic decision-making conversations about sensitive topics, etc. And as you said that the relationship was unhealthy for me. I was not happy, it sucked my energy and disordered my thinking. It's been a relief not to live in it day to day.

That being said there's still been a lot of grief for our shared experiences, the things I love about him, and also what I hoped for.  I think it's tricky to separate the grief and true loss from the dysfunction - because like you said it's almost like two people in one. A person we loved, and then this illness that makes them act in ways that become impossible/exhausting to manage.

Thank you for sharing.

[usagi]

Thanks ParentingThruIt,

Thank you for sharing too.  I definitely feel caught up in this oscillation between being relieved of being away from the dysfunction and missing all the wonderful things about my ex partner.  When that pendulum swings to missing is when I feel like I somehow failed her.  It's incredible the range of emotions I feel right now.  And some all at once.  Relief, sadness, frustration, longing, empathy...and the list goes on.

I actually found out that I got an unsatisfactory review at work this past Wednesday.  I was not completing my tasks quick enough and to the satisfaction of internal customers.  That is a very complex story but it was certainly influenced by my relationship problems this year.

Lots became clear to me recently.  My ex partner really expected me to give up everything for her and it was starting to happen.  She started intervening in my relationships with my friends, my hobby, and clearly my work.  If I was still with her now I'm sure I'd be getting pressure to not work extra to catch up.  I'm really under some stress at the moment but with her in the mix it would be unbearable.

My job now is to focus on self care, sailing this rocky sea of emotions, and fortifying my relationship with my friends and my standing at my work.

[HoratioX]

I think it's normal to feel that way. After any traumatic experience, we tend to ask ourselves questions and even second guess our actions.

But let me say this: Stop that.

When you're dealing with someone with a significant personality disorder, there is no fixing them. No amount of effort on your part will change them. At best, with years of therapy and hard work, they might go into "recovery" -- but that is the same thing as an alcoholic in recovery, which is to say, only one drink away from disaster.

But there is a difference between an alcoholic and someone with a significant personality disorder. The latter has a rewired brain that operates differently than that of someone without such issues. It's that rewiring that leads to a host of thoughts and behaviors that turn a relationship with them, for the most part, into a nightmare.

You can't fix that. Some part of you thinks it's still possible. It's not. Recovery does not mean they're fixed; it means they're simply not doing all the horrible, chaotic things they might otherwise. This is temporary, at best a holding action keeping them a fraction away from slipping back into the same behaviors.

If you called it off, that means on some level, you recognized the no-win situation a relationship is with someone like this.  If she tried to blame you for not trying hard enough, that's a form of manipulation. Any recovery starts with her, not with you or with anyone else.

Perhaps discuss this further with a therapist. But the further away from a relationship with someone who has such a profound mental illness, the easier it will be to see how things were and how things are with clarity, and that includes knowing there is no making them right.