I’m so conflicted

[Josie C]

My dd(29)w/BPD was fired from her job three months ago. We haven’t been in contact for the past month (her therapist’s suggestion—gut-wrenching, but beneficial) and she recently reconnected, asking for some help with financial needs and applying for new jobs. It’s been tenuous—we have stayed calm but she always seems to be spoiling for a fight.

Her unemployment was denied due to being fired, so her dad and I met with her a few days ago and made a plan to help her financially (rent/utilites/gas) for two months while she looked for work. She is getting food assistance.  It seemed like things were on the right track.

Well, she came over today to work on her resume and a job application. She was edgy and irritated right from the start.  I asked what she wanted to work on first and she immediately started yelling at me that she can’t make decisions and that it was my responsibility to make a plan. Trying to lower the temperature, I told her to start with the resume.  It was tense but we managed.  Then onto applying for a job. She got to a question asking for the reason she had been fired from a job and she became completely dysregulated.  Makes total sense, that would awful to face…and I tried to help her write an appropriate response. It was no use. Soon she was shouting, throwing things, accusations, blame. She said that losing her job was my fault because I didn’t raise her properly, didn’t teach her the skills she needed to be successful. She  gave specific details about how she wants to physically harm me. Raged about how she should take her own life.  I kept walking away, trying mightily not to engage.  She ended up getting in her car and racing off; I was terrified she was purposefully going to get into an accident. She returned 15 min later because she wasn’t done with her verbal abuse (and perhaps because she still needed more help). My husband returned from the store, which only gave her more fuel as she had another parent to threaten and attempt to harm.  I nearly called 911.  Eventually, she switched to sobbing and then quieted enough to talk about needing help shopping for groceries. We followed her to the store, helped her out, and went home. I felt hopeless, used, terrified, lonely, misunderstood, and lost.  I’m thinking she had those (and more) to the nth degree.

Where do we go from here?

I understand she is under tremendous stress.  I think she’s frightened of herself and her situation. She cannot bear these intense feelings of self-hatred and turns them towards me.  And she’s not ready to accept that she’s the only one who can do the work to get better. I feel terribly for her and pray constantly that she will have the courage to begin.

Her dad and I desperately want to be supportive- but when in crisis she believes everything we do is either not enough, not sincere, the wrong thing, or that we do it because we want her to get better so that she gets out of our life.  I’m at a loss for what to say to her most of the time. It’s impossible for me to be validating when she hurling insults and accusations. It’s becoming harder to feel compassionate, and I hate that about myself.

I wonder if I’m adding to the problem.  How do I know if I’m enabling her behavior? I focused hard today to not JADE, to stay calm, to not make things worse. But I sure didn’t feel effective. She raged at me for nearly an hour and still got the help she wanted.  I feel both taken advantage of and guilty for not understanding and meeting her needs.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Josie,

What you describe sounds eerily similar to how my stepdaughter behaves when under stress.  It sounds like you have a good grasp of what is going on.  Your daughter surely feels like a failure, and she's blaming you because she just can't take the pain of facing reality.  Now that she's bumping up against that reality (searching for new work, facing questions around the reasons for leaving her last job, running out of money, etc.), she's re-living the pain.

I think I've probably already written something about the negative inner voice she has, tending to catastrophize everything.  She's probably saying to herself, she's a total failure, she can't do anything right, and that her life is hopeless.  You and I know that that is not true.  After all, it was just a job, and there are millions of other jobs out there.  She's not the first person in the world to get fired, and nor will she be the last.  Oftentimes, failure is the very best teacher.  She could take it as a life lesson, and even use that to her advantage.  Maybe her prior job wasn't a great match for her personality.  Maybe it was too stressful because of the heavy emphasis on problem solving, interacting with irate customers or working in a loud environment.  Maybe it was physically demanding--standing on her feet all day ended up frazzling her nerves.  Maybe she needs something predictable or monotonous.  Or maybe the opposite--she might need novelty and varied events to keep her attention.  But she just can't reflect and learn about herself, because her dark mood and negative attitude are getting in her way.  She's her own worst enemy right now.  And unfortunately, in a job search, hearing "no" is much more frequent than hearing "yes."  If she takes every "no" as a personal indictment, she might crumble.

My stepdaughter would similarly self-destruct when faced with what she saw as unsurmountable problems, like searching for work, finding a roommate or studying for exams.  And yes, she would blame her parents/family members for her problems, even if we objectively had absolutely nothing to do with the roommate search or her schoolwork.  But in her twisty brain, she blames us and her inadequate upbringing.  She would ask for help, and rage at us while holding out her hand for money.  And yes, sometimes she would threaten suicide.  I'd say, if your daughter does that, you need to call 911, if she's a threat to herself or others.  She'll probably hate you for that, but she'd hate you even more if you didn't take her threats seriously (invalidating her), and her life could be in danger.

I think your efforts not to engage when your daughter is raging are probably on the right track.  When she's like that, she can't listen to reason or see the silver lining.  I think she'll take anything you say and twist it around to something negative, just making things worse.  Only when she's in a calmer state can she even consider tackling a problem.  My advice might be to sit it out until she has calmed down, and help her break the problems into bite-sized pieces.  I know that can be very hard in practice, because you might not get many opportunities to help your daughter, as she might be procrastinating and avoiding you in the process.  Her most feared question might be, how are you doing on your job search?  You see, she doesn't want to be reminded of it, and she doesn't want to tell you the truth--that she hasn't done much of anything.  She's probably afraid of disappointing you, and most of all, of realizing that she's disappointing herself.  Because she's financially dependent on you, she will likely ask you for money frequently.  My advice is to give out money in dribs and drabs, maybe enough to cover a couple of days or a week at a time.  Maybe you simply go grocery shopping with her, and pay at the checkout counter.  Or maybe you effectively feed her with dinners at your home.  That way, she'll have to interact with you more often.  And you'll have more opportunities to assess how she's doing and help keep her on track while navigating this fragile, temporary, unstructured stage.

In a job search, it might be too overwhelming for her to tackle multiple tasks at once.  So I might suggest focusing on one thing at a time.  Be sure to ask your daughter for her input on where to start first.  If she doesn't have a clue, maybe you suggest taking a job skills matching test.  I did this with my stepdaughter.  She was reluctant at first, but I said something like, well, there's no right or wrong answer on these tests.  Let's take it, just for fun, and see what the results are.  I think she was surprised to see so many potential job titles that cater to her skills and talents.

Another session I said, if she wasn't sure what she wanted and needed to find motivation, maybe she should make a vision board.  She really liked the idea of a career vision board.  You can look online for how to do one.  Again, there are no rules or right or wrong answers for this task.

Another session you could find one or two job openings with a job title that comes up on the skills matching test.  Another day she could update her resume with her last position, detailing three responsibilities she had.  Another day she could find three sample cover letters online.  Another day she could craft a cover letter using the three samples as templates.  Another day is spent finalizing her resume.  And another day she does one application online.  I know this can be tough, because it requires a lot of cooperation on the part of your daughter.  But I think if she's dysregulated, she'll fall apart if she take on too much.  I'd try to keep a session to 20 minutes (or however long it looks like she can handle it), until she shows more confidence.

Good luck to you and your daughter.  I think she can do it, because she held down a job before.  That's a big accomplishment for someone battling BPD.

[Sancho]

Hi Josie C
Gosh your post resonated with me and what I am going through at the moment! Thanks for posting.

My DD is under great pressure - as is yours - but there are several things that need to be done. I am here, willing and able -BUT do you think she could just work with me towards getting things sorted? Nope!

My frustration level is off the scale at times as I try to find the right moment to offer assistance.

You have a great understanding of the stress your DD is under and even remembering to use the skills eg not JADE - ing - is amazing given the situation. It really sounds as though it was just terrible and I can't believe you actually got something done!

I was listening to something on BPD/anger/blaming the other day and something really struck me. Amongst other things the chap said that BPD people can be triggered easily to anger, but sometimes it is there even without a trigger. What happens then is that they create a narrative around the anger - it is all your fault etc - because they need to explain to themselves why this huge anger is raging inside them.

I found that really interesting.

In my situation I find I can be extremely anxious that these things get attended to - but my anxiety makes my DD much worse. So I force myself to put my mind/thinking etc elsewhere except for a certain time each day when I allow myself to think about the situation and feel anxious.

I don't really know why, but if I am laid back about it all, my DD seems less off the show about things and that's when I can make a suggestion - always by text, never spoken - and wait for a reply. Eventually my seeming lack of anxiety about the matter appears to help the situation.

So thanks for posting and sorry I am not more help. I don't think you should worry too much about whether you are enabling or not etc etc. This is a tough time and I am sure whatever you do will be the right thing for this moment in time. I have some things I want to put in place but I am waiting till this crisis time passes.

[js friend]

Hi Josie,

I think you are doing a wonderful job of trying to keep your composure with your dd. Its such a shame that your dd cant see that you are there to help her when she is so dysregulated. Writing resumes and looking for jobs takes time so I wonder if it may be better to shorten your interactions with your dd around finding a job.. My udd loves making lists, they keep her on track and they work for her. Maybe you could suggest a to-do list that you make together that your dd can work on on her own, in her own time.

[Josie C]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. After some reflection on the situation, I agree that we tried to do too much at once.  Even though she came wanting to do several tasks, she was emotionally overwhelmed. I thought by ‘checking  things off’ it would help her calm down (because that helps me). I was apprehensive, but so pleased that she was ready to roll.  And I was looking forward to seeing her be proud and feeling some relief by starting a job search.  I really didn’t appreciate the stew of emotions that was boiling inside her until her outburst/rage went haywire in a flash.

I was listening to something on BPD/anger/blaming the other day and something really struck me. Amongst other things the chap said that BPD people can be triggered easily to anger, but sometimes it is there even without a trigger. What happens then is that they create a narrative around the anger - it is all your fault etc - because they need to explain to themselves why this huge anger is raging inside them.

This is really interesting.  As mentioned in the original post, my dd did arrive already edgy.  What I meant as helpful and reassuring, she twisted into accusatory and nasty. She was ready to pick a fight and I had no idea why.

I’ve kept my distance these last few days, no sense in poking the bear. I know feelings of abandonment are something people wBPD deal with, so I have tried to stay in contact (at my own comfort level) by sending a few texts with low-level info.  We talked briefly today and it was difficult. I have a feeling that she wants me to do something —but doesn’t know what—and I’m going to get blasted for not knowing what it is and not doing it.

It’s gut-wrenching to witness someone I care so much about sink deeper into despair.  She’s desperate for help, yet unable to articulate what that help is.  Or maybe she’s afraid of what the help she wants would require of her?

Trying to remember the only thing I have control over is myself. I’ve often read posts that say to let the awful words of a pwBPD “float by.”  I’m trying to practice this, but it’s oh so hard.