What to look for in a lawyer?

[XianJaneway]

Hello everyone!
It's been over 15 years, but I'm actually not new. I'm the child of a NPD/BPD couple, & this site was an incredible asset while I was recovering my sense of self, & caring for my mental health. I'm grateful for all the work you do here.

Sadly, one of my best friends is in a jam, & I think you'll be the best resource for advice. She had a one-night stand with someone who was stepping out on his likely-BPD partner. (I'm not here to judge anyone's actions. We all know a disordered person can come into our lives in so many ways. She could have volunteered at a church bakery, & had the same outcome.)

Since then, my friend has been stalked, harassed online, followed, and had multiple frivolous lawsuits AND criminal complaints filed against her. The moment my friend said, "She changed her hair color, & is starting to dress like me," I knew this person was pathological, & that my friend is likely in serious danger.

What advice would you give my friend? As a child of a BPD, I haven't had to navigate the legal system the way you guys have. You've had to develop resilience & testicular fortitude that I can only imagine.

Finally, I don't think her lawyer is taking her concerns, or the risk to her safety, seriously. What does she need to say to her lawyer to wake him up? Or, what does she need to look for in a new lawyer?

Thanks so much for your help.
Sincerely,
XianJaneway

[EyesUp]

Hello XianJaneway,

You clearly care a great deal about your friend.

If I follow correctly, your friend is being harassed by the romantic partner of a one-time lover.  Is that right, i.e., your friend is not trying to continue the relationship and is mainly seeking advice re: how to protect herself?

If that's the case, she should go 100% no contact with either of the people involved and move on with her life. 

If there are legal concerns, she should seek an atty who is a litigator rather than a negotiator, i.e., an atty who's style and approach is aggressive and assertive - who does not shy away from conflict or confrontation, and who defaults to litigation, rather than avoidance of it.  This can be counter intuitive, but it's often the best way to deal with someone who seeks drama via conflict, or who needs to "win" somehow - Does that sound like what your friend is dealing with?

Good luck and take care.

[XianJaneway]

You are correct.
My friend is already no-contact, but is regularly stalked, harassed, & sued, over a period of 2-3 *years*. It shows zero signs of stopping or slowing down. It's escalated to things like spoofing phone calls.

She wants nothing more than to go on with her life.

What I want is some people besides me, telling her, "This is really bad, it's not going to go away unless you get a lawyer who is a junkyard dog, who goes for the throat, & who doesn't back down."

People who don't live with a Borderline don't seem to understand: they don't stop, & they don't move on. They don't get tired of harassing you until they face real world consequences.

Hell, it's been 20 years since I went no-contact with my mother, &she STILL tries to worm her way back into my life. How much more vindictive would a borderline be, when she sees my friend as the source of all her marital problems?

And yes, I absolutely care deeply for my friend. She once watched my children FOR FREE all summer long, so I could go back to school. She took care of me for several days when I suffered a back injury. Her friendship has been the antithesis of having a borderline mother. I hate seeing her live in this awful liminal space of, "I'm suffering, & living in constant fear. But I can't do anything about it because my lawyer says there's nothing to be done right now."

So, please, share your stories, tell my friend what kind of lawyer to look for. This is TERRIBLE to watch, & must be 50x worse to live through.

(By the way, I found my old posts, dating all the way back to 2007, . If there's any questions Abt me, instead of my friend, I'm happy to DM my old screen name to you, but won't post it here.)

[try2heal]

Your friend probably needs to find out what kind of restraining orders are available in her state for non-intimate partners. She might be able to get help from a victim's rights or domestic violence group to find a lawyer and get some support. Even though she isn't an intimate partner of the stalker, it's .... dv adjacent?
It's not always a bulldog, but she needs someone who will understand how much trauma she's experiencing through the legal system and will use every angle to try to make it stop. She also needs to do safety-planning with experts on domestic abuse.