Coming in Exhausted

[ExhaustedEmpath]

Hello, I’m writing feeling very worn out. I am married for 2.5 years to a BPD husband. We’ve been together for 9 years, and have an 18 year age gap- him being older.

I noticed the episodes while dating. I don’t know why I didn’t see them as a red flag. I was raised by a narc mother, so I’ve been told that conditioned me to accept more bad behavior than most. I’ve spent probably a decade working on myself and my own issues in therapy, group therapy, workshops and reading. My codependency is probably where most of my work continues to lie. I pick up his emotions, try to make positive suggestions, in essence fix things. First and foremost, I want his pain to stop, second to that mine.

His episodes are getting more and more frequent as he ages and nears retirement. I’m quickly becoming a threat to him. This issue alone can trigger an episode. For example, he doesn’t like taking pictures or going out with me anymore because “I make him look bad”. People are judging him for being with a younger woman in his mind.

The other area that triggers episodes is competition. He’s competitive with everything and everyone. The moment he feels threatened by someone else’s success, he cuts ties, belittles their accomplishments to me and then shifts into a depression about regrets of his life choices.

Episodes include yelling, slamming doors or objects. Profanity, and verbal character assassination. He has said some of the meanest things I’ve ever been told. He collects vulnerabilities only to use them in the devalue/discard.I am by no means perfect, but I try my best and try to grow.

He says he feels alone. My understanding of BPD is that is a component, deep and profound loneliness. He has trouble maintaining relationships and has a history of falling outs. He doesn’t like me saying this, but I feel so alone too. I can’t afford therapy at this time, part of why I reached out here. He refuses therapy or starts..goes to 2-3 sessions and discontinues. I have no one to talk to. I believe talking outside of marriage is not helpful because it can alter people’s impression of him without having a voice. Intimacy has ceased. He says he hates his body and doesn’t feel comfortable/confident and more.

The last issue that is tearing us apart is day trading. It started as something to do in COVID and has turned very ugly. Days he loses money, he spirals down into a thinking pattern that often doesn’t seem rational. Often times lashing out at me. Vacations have been ruined, date nights and holidays all due to trading.

Episodes can last from a few hours, a day or a few days. He has a cycle that they are weekly. I can sense one coming and I’m on eggshells. I’m exhausted by the hyper vigilance. I’m also beaten down by the devaluation and discard.

But here is the thing. When he’s having a good day, he’s incredible. I love him very much and want him to be happy. So much so, if he feels trapped with me as he says… set him free. Sadly though, I don’t know if he would be any happier. It seems there is a bottomless emptiness and self loathing that I have empathy for but also frustrated with.

I could post more but this is a start. My hope of posting is that with support from others I can detach with love when I need, create stronger boundaries and stay in my marriage that I love and cherish.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

Hello, I’m writing feeling very worn out. I am married for 2.5 years to a BPD husband. We’ve been together for 9 years, and have an 18 year age gap- him being older.

I noticed the episodes while dating. I don’t know why I didn’t see them as a red flag. I was raised by a narc mother, so I’ve been told that conditioned me to accept more bad behavior than most. I’ve spent probably a decade working on myself and my own issues in therapy, group therapy, workshops and reading. My codependency is probably where most of my work continues to lie. I pick up his emotions, try to make positive suggestions, in essence fix things. First and foremost, I want his pain to stop, second to that mine.

His episodes are getting more and more frequent as he ages and nears retirement. I’m quickly becoming a threat to him. This issue alone can trigger an episode. For example, he doesn’t like taking pictures or going out with me anymore because “I make him look bad”. People are judging him for being with a younger woman in his mind.

The other area that triggers episodes is competition. He’s competitive with everything and everyone. The moment he feels threatened by someone else’s success, he cuts ties, belittles their accomplishments to me and then shifts into a depression about regrets of his life choices.

Episodes include yelling, slamming doors or objects. Profanity, and verbal character assassination. He has said some of the meanest things I’ve ever been told. He collects vulnerabilities only to use them in the devalue/discard.I am by no means perfect, but I try my best and try to grow.

He says he feels alone. My understanding of BPD is that is a component, deep and profound loneliness. He has trouble maintaining relationships and has a history of falling outs. He doesn’t like me saying this, but I feel so alone too. I can’t afford therapy at this time, part of why I reached out here. He refuses therapy or starts..goes to 2-3 sessions and discontinues. I have no one to talk to. I believe talking outside of marriage is not helpful because it can alter people’s impression of him without having a voice. Intimacy has ceased. He says he hates his body and doesn’t feel comfortable/confident and more.

The last issue that is tearing us apart is day trading. It started as something to do in COVID and has turned very ugly. Days he loses money, he spirals down into a thinking pattern that often doesn’t seem rational. Often times lashing out at me. Vacations have been ruined, date nights and holidays all due to trading.

Episodes can last from a few hours, a day or a few days. He has a cycle that they are weekly. I can sense one coming and I’m on eggshells. I’m exhausted by the hyper vigilance. I’m also beaten down by the devaluation and discard.

But here is the thing. When he’s having a good day, he’s incredible. I love him very much and want him to be happy. So much so, if he feels trapped with me as he says… set him free. Sadly though, I don’t know if he would be any happier. It seems there is a bottomless emptiness and self loathing that I have empathy for but also frustrated with.

I could post more but this is a start. My hope of posting is that with support from others I can detach with love when I need, create stronger boundaries and stay in my marriage that I love and cherish.

That is a good start Double E...I'll stick with that for a short call sign ;-). Anyway, welcome to the fam.  Take your time here. We get it and understand for sure. If you want more info please feel free to check out our library here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you feel comfortable with. Zero judgment here.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

I myself and the rest of the fam here have your back. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

Excellent start Exhausted Empath. And oh can we relate to the name.

You'll be glad to have come here. There are so man knowledgeable people here who have been through a lot of challenging situations
in these relationships.

You've been together 9 years, but you sent the episodes are getting more frequent over this time? And you are a threat to him?

I myself can relate to the yelling and slamming doors and profanity. Like you, I have never in my life been called the names my
ex called me, or been yelled at the way she did. It's really hurtful. The way you write "he collects vulnerabilities" only to hurt you with
them later is SO accurate and like many of us experienced.

[ExhaustedEmpath]

Thank you for the kind words jaded7.

The episodes increased when he began day trading. It seems to really trigger his competitive nature as well as trigger volatility in his moods. Day trading can make or break his day. I fight hard for it not to ruin mine, but easier said than done. It has deeply affected his self esteem- therefore more episodes. I hate day trading, and he doesn’t need to do it. He’s quite comfortable financially. He sees net worth as not enough and failure. I on the other hand feel grateful for the security it provides. I think he may be addicted to it.

He came home the last time he went to therapy a few times with the feedback that his provider suggested BPD or High Conflict Person. He said it fits, then quit therapy. I have been researching BPD and it does fit. It sounds like a horrible illness. With that said, it’s like I can’t unsee behavior now knowing what is at the root. It’s really hard. And quite sad.

[jaded7]

Thank you for the kind words jaded7.

The episodes increased when he began day trading. It seems to really trigger his competitive nature as well as trigger volatility in his moods. Day trading can make or break his day. I fight hard for it not to ruin mine, but easier said than done. It has deeply affected his self esteem- therefore more episodes. I hate day trading, and he doesn’t need to do it. He’s quite comfortable financially. He sees net worth as not enough and failure. I on the other hand feel grateful for the security it provides. I think he may be addicted to it.

He came home the last time he went to therapy a few times with the feedback that his provider suggested BPD or High Conflict Person. He said it fits, then quit therapy. I have been researching BPD and it does fit. It sounds like a horrible illness. With that said, it’s like I can’t unsee behavior now knowing what is at the root. It’s really hard. And quite sad.

You're welcome ExhaustedEmpath. People here have been so supportive to me, I hope you can find some peace by reading and asking questions here.

You made a pretty insightful observation about the day trading and how it's related to his self-esteem, even though he is so comfortable financially. You'll read that BPD and other cluster B personality disorders are related to deep shame and fear of vulnerability, and it sounds like when he has a bad day with day trading he is 'forced' into facing these things, which is very difficult for people with cluster B disorders to do. They avoid it at all costs it seems.

So I think that even though a bad day in trading doesn't ruin his financial picture, in his mind he feels shame and guilt, especially knowing you don't like the trading. And it's then that the projection and other defense mechanisms come out.

Like what you wrote in your first post:

"The other area that triggers episodes is competition. He’s competitive with everything and everyone. The moment he feels threatened by someone else’s success, he cuts ties, belittles their accomplishments to me and then shifts into a depression about regrets of his life choices.

Episodes include yelling, slamming doors or objects. Profanity, and verbal character assassination. He has said some of the meanest things I’ve ever been told."

The fact that even someone else's success threatens him is a real clue to this dynamic. The feelings of 'not good enough' are there, and in this case it's really easy to see it has nothing to do with you, at all. Therefore, those feelings are there no matter what you do. The competitiveness is a manifestation of the deep-seated feeling of 'not good enough'.

The defense mechanism- projection, blaming, anger, yelling, slamming doors, profanity- serve people with BPD by offloading the guilt and shame, putting it on us, then getting mad at us....for things we didn't do, never said, and don't think. In many relationships, including mine, my partner would tell me what I'm thinking or intending- and it was always bad- when it was nowhere near what my intentions or thoughts were. Then we feel we have to defend ourselves against what we are told we are thinking/intending, because it is wrong, but that will never work! That is JADEing, and it simply fuels more anger and rage, and off to the circular arguments we go.

He was actually told by his therapist that he likely would be diagnosed with BPD or HCP....that is a huge thing....for YOU. One of the things we talk about here is whether a person is BPD or not, and many will spend a great deal of effort trying to figure out if the partner is that, or something else. You have a professional telling him that, and he even seems to agree. You don't have to wonder, and that's a very good thing for you. Many of us have to learn to just see the behaviors for what they are...abusive. And live without actually knowing if their partner is diagnosable.

So for you now you have clarity, and now it's a matter of what to do with this clarity. Not JADEing is a huge start, not taking things personally is another, learning boundaries around abusive behavior is another. There is much here to help with these.

[ExhaustedEmpath]

You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I am grateful the suggested diagnosis came from her and then in turn from him. We are moving to another state soon. That change alone has triggered him immensely, too much change. He has tried to back out of the deal in rage numerous times. He completely ruined our last trip by splitting in the hotel room. He “approved” a picture of us to post. I was so happy that he wanted to not even take the picture but share it with friends on social. Later that day when he saw himself closer in it, he imploded and split. He disparaged himself/looks then went after me.Yelling, profanity, using known vulnerabilities against me. I was to the point of wailing in emotional pain of what was said. He listened to it and did absolutely nothing. That concerns me greatly. Long story short, on the dive home the next day he said “I clearly have mental health issues that makes my responses inappropriate.” While that was validating, he has victimized himself ever since making the event 100% about him. It feels manipulative at best, not true accountability or responsibility- an excuse.

[kells76]

Hi Exhausted Empath, adding another welcome to the group 

I hear you about wanting to stay in your marriage. People choose to stay in BPD relationships for any number of reasons, and we respect that here.

Finding new ways forward, that are more effective when your partner may have BPD, will be crucial for the relationship to have a chance.

Two areas stood out to me as possible candidates for trying new tools/skills. It's kind of like building a house -- you can't "focus on everything at once" or nothing will get done. Trying little concrete steps in a manageable number of areas gives you a better chance at successfully making a change.

One is the day trading. Do you have commingled finances or separate accounts?

The other one is this:

He completely ruined our last trip by splitting in the hotel room. He “approved” a picture of us to post. I was so happy that he wanted to not even take the picture but share it with friends on social. Later that day when he saw himself closer in it, he imploded and split. He disparaged himself/looks then went after me.Yelling, profanity, using known vulnerabilities against me. I was to the point of wailing in emotional pain of what was said. He listened to it and did absolutely nothing. That concerns me greatly.

How long did that go on for?

Listening to your partner disparage you, to the point that you're weeping, hurts you and hurts the relationship.

It can be better for the relationship -- if you are choosing to stay -- to decline to stick around and listen to that kind of negativity. Listening to it is bad for him (rewards him with an audience, and then he seems to regret the behavior), bad for you (you hear your partner say horrible things about you, which is damaging), and bad for the relationship.

What would it be like if when he started to turn on you, you exited the hotel room and chose to do something else?

"I'm heading to the pool; I'll be back in an hour"

"I'm going to get some food, I'll be in the restaurant"

"I need some fresh air, so I'll be driving to the park -- I have my phone with me"

Could that be a change that seems do-able?

[ExhaustedEmpath]

Thank you Kells76.

It is overwhelming to try to make too many adjustments at once. I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.As far as your questions…

1. Our finances are completely separate. We each contribute to a joint account to pay joint expenses. We don’t even share a credit card. To that point, it’s his money. He is not going past what his initial deposit was. Meaning he will not add more money and he is good about not going below the deposit amount. It’s the volatility of trading that IMO is not helpful in regulating his emotions. I do not feel financially at risk. It’s the emotional roller coaster.

2. I have been considering implementing ending a conversation and being clear on when I’ll be back and that I have my phone. I felt a little off because I was in a hotel and it was getting late to leave the room. I agree with you 100% that staying to listen when I know it’s splitting doesn’t help either of us. I actually told myself yesterday that this will happen again- splitting. I don’t control him but I do control me. My plan is to be clear on what my boundaries are: no profanity, personal attacks or yelling. If he can’t communicate without these… the conversation has to end and be returned to when he is able.

The book has really helped me stop JADEing quite a bit. I’ve actually also started to check the time when he’s going into a negative/complaing mode. I contract how long I will actively listen, validate but I will no longer ruminate with him. I can remove myself respectfully from those situations but I know it will be harder to do so when he splits.

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I appreciate it so much, and feel less alone.