Is this final?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello and firstly i'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this!

Disclaimer: My ex does not have a formal diagnosis (that i'm aware of), however this may of changed since we last spoke?

I'll try and keep this as easy to digest as possible - i've tried to write this several times however each time I end up going into HYPER detail which is likely unnecessary.

SUPER SUMMARY:
My not-yet-partner is dating J, they break up. Months later she is dating me, six months later we break up. Days later she is dating A1, we continue to talk and have sex as i'm unaware of the A1 situation. She leaves A1 after ~eight weeks, and is back with J. J proposes, she accepts, they move in together, four months later they break up. Two months later her and I are back together. ~5 months later she cheats on me with J which I find out about after we break up, ~4 months after that she breaks up with me and AFAIK that day onward she is dating A2. From then on, she has been no contact with me besides calling me to threaten me for talking to a mutual friend...


LONG story short, I met a girl about 2.5 years ago online through an online game, and we became friends. She had a relationship at the time where, her partner of the time (lets call him J) had told her if she didn't terminate her pregnancy he would punch his own ticket, so she did. This traumatised her greatly and resulted in them breaking up. I later found out she was also due to go to court "because of him" and a domestic violence case which was levelled against her...

We hit it off after some time, became much closer and started to consider the prospect of us dating, which we ultimately did.
We dated for six months, long distance (~12hr drive) at first however about four months into the relationship thanks to her job she ended up moving only about an hour down the road from me.

One day while at her house visiting she was called away to work, so I continued to fiddle with her computer (I was fixing it up for her) while I waited for her to come home. About 45 minutes later, she came home right as I was finishing up and put me on blast about someone she didn't like joining the guild we were in (the online game) and frantically demanding I do something about it (as a leader in that guild). She was furious this was allowed to happen and levelled a lot of the blame on me, even though I had nothing to do with them joining. Eventually I calmed her down and she came in for a hug, I paused and said "I know you're upset and its totally okay to be upset, I understand you don't want him in the guild and we'll get that sorted out, but can I ask that you please don't have a go at me when I wasn't at all responsible?" She instantly snapped and went from "sad seeking reassurance" back to furious, said "if you don't want to hug me FINE" and stormed off. I didn't hear from her again for two days and she later texted me "I think we should be friends" on the eve of our six month anniversary.

I spent the next few weeks trying to work out what happened, why she just threw the relationship away all of a sudden over something that shouldn't of really been such a big deal at all, while we still were close speaking as friends and having sex from time to time...
I was later told by a mutual friend that three days after breaking up with me she was seeing a guy from another state (lets call him A1). The two of them had been getting closer over time (A1 was also from the guild) and I felt so betrayed, as if this was planned just to get me out of the way, and that she continued to sleep with me while seeing A1 and hadn't told me about him was an extra level of betrayal. She was confronted about this, confirmed it was happening and [after even more long winded detail] ended the relationship with A1 after about eight weeks.

We spent that weekend (after she broke up with A1) together, and on the Sunday I found out she was talking to J again (from the start of the story) and she was convinced he was a changed for the better person and wanted to give him another shot - she told me her and I weren't going to happen because A1 had twisted her perception of me and she hadn't overcome it yet.
One month later she was visiting him back in her home state, he proposed, she accepted.
They moved into a new home together in my state and everyone who knew her, and J, had tried to warn her that he would not of changed and she was making a mistake.
Her and I continued talking, I wanted so desperately to be with her again and only saw her as someone confused and wounded searching for her place in the world, in love and romance and struggling to find stability.
After four months she ended her relationship with J however they continued to live together for a further two months. Her and I again became romantically involved and after J moved out, I moved in.

Things weren't "perfect" but in my eyes they were good, besides arguments that seemed to pop up from time to time about the smallest, most trivial things. We did go "on a break" at one point before going on a holiday, argued during a holiday where we visited other friends, however once we were home things were on the mend and she said to me "we [were] the best we've ever been". During this time, a group of new people joined the guild and she became particularly attached to one (this one's A2) as he had his own history of childhood trauma and mental health issues, and on this they found familiar ground and bonded. A2 was wary to not upset me or make me feel uncomfortable, as he was having a friendship with my partner, but I constantly reassured him that she is allowed to have friends regardless of gender, and I trust both him and her to not cross any boundaries.

Fast forward a couple months, into the new year, and suddenly my partner's demeanour had shifted. She was often cold, quick to anger, saw malicious intent where there was none (in all kinds of situations) and my own patience for this shifted attitude started to wear thin. One night we started talking and the conversation became heated - this is when she turned around with tears in her eyes and told me "i'm done". From that moment on our relationship was over. I stayed with my parents for about a week to give her space, however she was steadfast that her and I were over but she still loved me and thought we could continue to live together and be civil.

Ultimately I decided I did not want to live with a constant reminder that she gave up on our relationship, and the reminder that even this second try at "us" had failed. In my depression I also decided that the guild we were in (which was now run solely by me) was no longer a home for me, as i'd maintained it for "us" and there was no more "us". I handed leadership across to another 'officer' and departed. That night I received a message from my now-ex telling me i'd "screwed up massively" and didn't even deserve a friendship, as the officer i'd handed leadership to (while a leadership vote was run) was someone she didn't like. I was told to pack my stuff and get out, never to talk to her again.

On the day of me removing my things from the house, my ex came out of the bedroom after smoking what smelled like an awful lot of weed, threatened my mother verbally (who was helping me) and shoved me telling me she'd kill me. She then retreated back to the bedroom to smoke more. After the move a member of the guild told me that she let him know she is dating A2 and doesn't need to hide it anymore. He, like A1, also lives in another state... Sidenote: during the breakup and move a mutual friend of myself and my now-ex was present (visiting), and after the break up she also cut me off.

Fast forward two months, i'm now on antidepressants struggling with losing a relationship I saw going to marriage, kids, house, the works... and in my panic I call the mutual friend - and she calls me back. She supports me and tells me it would of been too difficult to remain friends with both me and my ex at the time, but "you know what she's like, her mood will change" and hopefully we can keep talking quietly on the side for now, as she does value my friendship and always has. I also found out off J that he had slept with her about 3 months prior to our break up, right in the middle of our relationship...

Fast forward two weeks, my ex calls me and says "if you involve yourself with anyone who has anything to do with me again, i'll slit your f*cking throat, c*nt" and hangs up. After about ten minutes to calm down I messaged her back saying "you need help, you also have no right to dictate who others do or don't speak to. Delete my number." An angry back and forth follows, and that was the last time we spoke. That was three months ago.

She's been with A2 ever since and i've not heard from her at all.

I'm sorry if the story is missing too much detail or context or is confusing at all, i'm really trying to keep it readably brief!


Onto my questions!

So, given that when she broke up with J she continued to talk to him, and when she broke up with me the first time we continued talking and sleeping together, and when she was back with J again we were still talking as best friends, and that while we were together she STILL was speaking to J (without me knowing about it) and sleeping with him... this time around shes fully disconnected from me, not talking to me nor trying to... is this that "final discard" i've heard so much about?

And, given that A2 has his own mental health history (and subsequently awareness), is he likely able to manage his own mood/approach as well as hers, to keep her from getting to a devaluation/splitting state? Are they likely to last?


Again, sorry for the long winded story, am happy to clarify/add detail if people would like it - just didn't want it to be a full-blown novel

[IsItOver]

Hello and firstly i'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this!

Disclaimer: My ex does not have a formal diagnosis (that i'm aware of), however this may of changed since we last spoke?

I'll try and keep this as easy to digest as possible - i've tried to write this several times however each time I end up going into HYPER detail which is likely unnecessary.

SUPER SUMMARY:
My not-yet-partner is dating J, they break up. Months later she is dating me, six months later we break up. Days later she is dating A1, we continue to talk and have sex as i'm unaware of the A1 situation. She leaves A1 after ~eight weeks, and is back with J. J proposes, she accepts, they move in together, four months later they break up. Two months later her and I are back together. ~5 months later she cheats on me with J which I find out about after we break up, ~4 months after that she breaks up with me and AFAIK that day onward she is dating A2. From then on, she has been no contact with me besides calling me to threaten me for talking to a mutual friend...


LONG story short, I met a girl about 2.5 years ago online through an online game, and we became friends. She had a relationship at the time where, her partner of the time (lets call him J) had told her if she didn't terminate her pregnancy he would punch his own ticket, so she did. This traumatised her greatly and resulted in them breaking up. I later found out she was also due to go to court "because of him" and a domestic violence case which was levelled against her...

We hit it off after some time, became much closer and started to consider the prospect of us dating, which we ultimately did.
We dated for six months, long distance (~12hr drive) at first however about four months into the relationship thanks to her job she ended up moving only about an hour down the road from me.

One day while at her house visiting she was called away to work, so I continued to fiddle with her computer (I was fixing it up for her) while I waited for her to come home. About 45 minutes later, she came home right as I was finishing up and put me on blast about someone she didn't like joining the guild we were in (the online game) and frantically demanding I do something about it (as a leader in that guild). She was furious this was allowed to happen and levelled a lot of the blame on me, even though I had nothing to do with them joining. Eventually I calmed her down and she came in for a hug, I paused and said "I know you're upset and its totally okay to be upset, I understand you don't want him in the guild and we'll get that sorted out, but can I ask that you please don't have a go at me when I wasn't at all responsible?" She instantly snapped and went from "sad seeking reassurance" back to furious, said "if you don't want to hug me FINE" and stormed off. I didn't hear from her again for two days and she later texted me "I think we should be friends" on the eve of our six month anniversary.

I spent the next few weeks trying to work out what happened, why she just threw the relationship away all of a sudden over something that shouldn't of really been such a big deal at all, while we still were close speaking as friends and having sex from time to time...
I was later told by a mutual friend that three days after breaking up with me she was seeing a guy from another state (lets call him A1). The two of them had been getting closer over time (A1 was also from the guild) and I felt so betrayed, as if this was planned just to get me out of the way, and that she continued to sleep with me while seeing A1 and hadn't told me about him was an extra level of betrayal. She was confronted about this, confirmed it was happening and [after even more long winded detail] ended the relationship with A1 after about eight weeks.

We spent that weekend (after she broke up with A1) together, and on the Sunday I found out she was talking to J again (from the start of the story) and she was convinced he was a changed for the better person and wanted to give him another shot - she told me her and I weren't going to happen because A1 had twisted her perception of me and she hadn't overcome it yet.
One month later she was visiting him back in her home state, he proposed, she accepted.
They moved into a new home together in my state and everyone who knew her, and J, had tried to warn her that he would not of changed and she was making a mistake.
Her and I continued talking, I wanted so desperately to be with her again and only saw her as someone confused and wounded searching for her place in the world, in love and romance and struggling to find stability.
After four months she ended her relationship with J however they continued to live together for a further two months. Her and I again became romantically involved and after J moved out, I moved in.

Things weren't "perfect" but in my eyes they were good, besides arguments that seemed to pop up from time to time about the smallest, most trivial things. We did go "on a break" at one point before going on a holiday, argued during a holiday where we visited other friends, however once we were home things were on the mend and she said to me "we [were] the best we've ever been". During this time, a group of new people joined the guild and she became particularly attached to one (this one's A2) as he had his own history of childhood trauma and mental health issues, and on this they found familiar ground and bonded. A2 was wary to not upset me or make me feel uncomfortable, as he was having a friendship with my partner, but I constantly reassured him that she is allowed to have friends regardless of gender, and I trust both him and her to not cross any boundaries.

Fast forward a couple months, into the new year, and suddenly my partner's demeanour had shifted. She was often cold, quick to anger, saw malicious intent where there was none (in all kinds of situations) and my own patience for this shifted attitude started to wear thin. One night we started talking and the conversation became heated - this is when she turned around with tears in her eyes and told me "i'm done". From that moment on our relationship was over. I stayed with my parents for about a week to give her space, however she was steadfast that her and I were over but she still loved me and thought we could continue to live together and be civil.

Ultimately I decided I did not want to live with a constant reminder that she gave up on our relationship, and the reminder that even this second try at "us" had failed. In my depression I also decided that the guild we were in (which was now run solely by me) was no longer a home for me, as i'd maintained it for "us" and there was no more "us". I handed leadership across to another 'officer' and departed. That night I received a message from my now-ex telling me i'd "screwed up massively" and didn't even deserve a friendship, as the officer i'd handed leadership to (while a leadership vote was run) was someone she didn't like. I was told to pack my stuff and get out, never to talk to her again.

On the day of me removing my things from the house, my ex came out of the bedroom after smoking what smelled like an awful lot of weed, threatened my mother verbally (who was helping me) and shoved me telling me she'd kill me. She then retreated back to the bedroom to smoke more. After the move a member of the guild told me that she let him know she is dating A2 and doesn't need to hide it anymore. He, like A1, also lives in another state... Sidenote: during the breakup and move a mutual friend of myself and my now-ex was present (visiting), and after the break up she also cut me off.

Fast forward two months, i'm now on antidepressants struggling with losing a relationship I saw going to marriage, kids, house, the works... and in my panic I call the mutual friend - and she calls me back. She supports me and tells me it would of been too difficult to remain friends with both me and my ex at the time, but "you know what she's like, her mood will change" and hopefully we can keep talking quietly on the side for now, as she does value my friendship and always has. I also found out off J that he had slept with her about 3 months prior to our break up, right in the middle of our relationship...

Fast forward two weeks, my ex calls me and says "if you involve yourself with anyone who has anything to do with me again, i'll slit your f*cking throat, c*nt" and hangs up. After about ten minutes to calm down I messaged her back saying "you need help, you also have no right to dictate who others do or don't speak to. Delete my number." An angry back and forth follows, and that was the last time we spoke. That was three months ago.

She's been with A2 ever since and i've not heard from her at all.

I'm sorry if the story is missing too much detail or context or is confusing at all, i'm really trying to keep it readably brief!


Onto my questions!

So, given that when she broke up with J she continued to talk to him, and when she broke up with me the first time we continued talking and sleeping together, and when she was back with J again we were still talking as best friends, and that while we were together she STILL was speaking to J (without me knowing about it) and sleeping with him... this time around shes fully disconnected from me, not talking to me nor trying to... is this that "final discard" i've heard so much about?

And, given that A2 has his own mental health history (and subsequently awareness), is he likely able to manage his own mood/approach as well as hers, to keep her from getting to a devaluation/splitting state? Are they likely to last?


Again, sorry for the long winded story, am happy to clarify/add detail if people would like it - just didn't want it to be a full-blown novel

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Caleb91]

Hi IsItOver,

I'm new to this community and hardly an expert, such looking for answers myself, but I can tell you what struck me about your story.

Of course I don't know any more than you've told us, but the story about J traumatizing her by making her terminate a pregnancy sounds exactly like the kind of distortion that pwBPD tell. Twisting the facts to make an ex partner out to be the bad guy, this is exactly what's happened to me and to countless people whose stories I've read. The story about J reeks of that dynamic.

The fact that she came back to J demonstrates that after painting somebody as a villain, she is capable of reversing her feelings and reconciling. And if she could do a 180 with J, there's no reason she can't with you. I would wonder how J behaved in the time between him being the villain and her coming back to him. You seem to be holding out hope for your ex and projecting some neediness at times, and I wonder if J did the opposite, because I continue to read that exes with BPD come back to exes who they believe had stopped caring.

Just so you know, I'm in a similar situation to you, holding out hope that my ex returns, and I did grovel for far too long after the breakup and projected plenty of neediness. I'm curious to hear how your situation plays out. Everybody looking at my situation says "why would you want to be with that person again?" and from the outside it would be easy to say the same thing to you, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess until it doesn't anymore. Sending you hugs, and curious to hear how your story unfolds.

[IsItOver]

Hi Caleb91,

Thanks for the reply mate, i'll add some additional context (I tried my best to keep it as slimmed down as possible, meaning I skipped a LOT!) regarding J.

So, when her and I first met, she had been with him for some time and one day posted a selfie showing her holding up a positive pregnancy test. About a week later during a social event online she was drinking, and I privately messaged her asking why as it could be harmful to the baby - thats when she told me about what had happened between her and J, and basically she was drinking to cope.

She later also told me she had a court date set in about ten months time, where her local state police were charging her with domestic violence/abuse - the story goes that one day he visited her (this was prior to the pregnancy situation) and he refused to leave her house when she asked him to. He grabbed her phone and corralled her into the bathroom. Eventually she got out, got her phone back after a scuffle, and threatened to call the police. He then agreed to leave and as he was walking out the door he turned back around and ducked back into the house. From there she apparently grabbed whatever she could to defend herself against him - the only thing at hand was a disinfectant spray. When police did arrive he was injured and she was not, therefore they deemed her the aggressor.

Eventually the court case was heard and settled under mental health grounds, requiring her to undergo ongoing therapy for six months. This court case was during our (her and my) first relationship. During this time, from the pregnancy all the way through our relationship, the court case and beyond, she stayed in contact with J. Hes also the person with the largest amount of relationship time with her (cumulatively), they've been on and off again several times. He's definitely a very "mans man" kind of guy, i'd actually hazard a guess and say he's almost a narcissist... She always told stories about how he'd invade her privacy, demand to see messages she was sending to people or to know who she was talking to, was physically abusive and at one point even called me while I was interstate for work (during their relationship between our two attempts) to tell me he'd just raped her. I told her to get out of the house, call the police IMMEDIATELY, and go to my parents (not far away) for safety. Police were never called, she remained in the house.


As for myself, after our break up we did have a couple of weeks of back and forth text exchanges, me trying to see if we could talk about the issues that brought her to decide to end the relationship and her being unwilling to participate - multiple times she told me that she had tried but I hadn't listened, or belittled her. I swear to you these conversations NEVER happened. I heard off our mutual friend she had issues with me working from home and when the mutual friend tried to talk to me about it I was confused and shocked. She looked at me and said "wait... is this the first time you're hearing about this??" and all I could say was "do I LOOK confused and surprised? Yes!" Whenever my ex seemed down or off in any way I did ask "are you okay? are WE okay?" and she'd always reply with "yeah, i'm just tired" (or had a long day / have a sore back etc) and i'd say "okay I just wanted to make sure i've not done something to upset you and am unaware of it" sort of thing. I opened the door multiple times to conversations when she seemed off and the chance was never taken by her to do so.

I likely projected neediness in the conversations immediately following the break up - a relationship I was fully invested in suddenly ended seemingly out of no where for me, it blindsided me and shook my core. As I said however, we haven't spoken since she called to threaten me, and prior to that we hadn't spoken since the day I moved out (that day I could of swore she'd been replaced with an imposter - i'd never seen her in such an aggressive, threatening and agitated state before. Heightened yes, but never like THAT...) So I doubt i'm projecting much of anything these days being entirely out of contact?


I'm aware that rationally, logically, I need to move on and i'm better off with her out of my life. The stress, walking on eggshells, moods that flip on a dime, ability to perceive aggression or malintent or insult where none is intended... its draining. Kicking up drama where none need exist then demanding I do something to make the situation better (basically, back her up / defend her, even in cases where shes bluntly in the wrong...) Its not healthy.
BUT. I am fully aware i'm still emotionally stuck, and I 100% fully understand your situation too mate. For me its probably some burning need/desire for closure of some kind. I don't want her to have to continue through life like this, flipping from person to person, having no stability etc - i'd love to be there to support her if she ever chose work on the issue. But for right now all I can see is that even with J "raping, abusing" etc she never went out of contact with him, and besides calling to threaten me we're 6 months separated and completely non contact...

I have a friend with BPD whos been in ongoing treatment for 10 years, and shes adamant "once the grass is shown to not always be greener, she'll reach out"... but this period of silence has me doubting it. Hence the "is this final?"

[Caleb91]

I relate so much to this, knowing the relationship is bad and the person is incapable of having a stable relationship, but still being 100% stuck and incapable of moving on to something healthier. The lack of closure is it. The unfinished business. And for me, feeling like we made progress so why can’t we just keep working on it and progressing? Plus the fact that I made my own mistakes and feel like I could clean up my side of the street. But a friend put it well when she said dating my ex was like Sisyphus pushing the bolder up the hill. You can get it a ways up the hill but it’ll always roll back down and crush you.

To me it sounds like J might have the strongest pull on your ex which explains why she keeps going back, but I agree with your friend that there will be a moment where everybody has disappointed her and she realizes that your grass was really the greenest, that you were the best to her. But will that moment end in stability or just another round of push/pull?

Hopefully I’m not projecting my own wishful thinking because I’m in a similar situation. The blind leading the blind. 

 

[IsItOver]

I guess i'm having trouble understanding why he was never out of contact with her (and as far as I know isn't even out of contact with her now while shes with A2), but for me (this time around) i'm the worst person in the world and fully cut off?

Like... is she done with me? Or is it to protect the new thing because perhaps the new partner wants me entirely out of the picture knowing he was fully aware of our relationship when he engaged in the monkey branch with her? Was it just an emotional overload and now its been so long she doesn't want to bother reaching out / is embarrassed to? Is trying to prove something to me?


I do think if something did happen between them and she suddenly didn't have the next guy lined up, thats the scenario where I see her potentially reaching out to me - but I feel like if shes had time to line the next branch up there won't be use for me so we're "done" in that sense.

As for what I think it would look like if she did ever reach out, I don't expect it to be any different honestly. Maybe another round of idealisation going down the same road as before... but, i've made my peace in that I have to love myself first and can't risk giving her a third chance to emotionally destroy me - that said, I'd welcome a friendship... Limited, of course. But a chance to maybe one day support her if she does make positive steps toward her own healing and progress, i'd love to be there for her through it. Because frankly, after all the ups and downs and the things that would be considered toxic as hell, I do still love her - genuinely.

[Caleb91]

It's impossible to say but it sounds like your ex cycles through her exes being painted black or white, and seems to reconcile with J the most due to some pull he has over her, but that she still goes in and out of love and hate with him and all of them eventually.

Your last paragraph about knowing that the cycles would continue and therefore only wanting to be her friend out of love and the desire to help her seems pretty healthy, at least healthier than where I'm at which is wanting another cycle of dating. Out of a belief that we can do it right this time, even though most people would tell me that there's no "doing it right" and the same patterns will repeat.

[IsItOver]

It just...

Everything sucks because I feel like I have no power, have no control, don't know what to expect...
Will she reach out? Is she gone for good? Is my replacement going to have the life with her I wanted to?

[Caleb91]

I'm in the same position as you, IsItOver. After so many cycles, my ex initiated what might be a final discard, although I hope not, and have come to this board myself looking for clues about what to expect. Will she unblock me? Will she unblock me if I stay in NC? Will she unblock me after a new relationship of hers goes south? I've been reading everybody else's stories looking for patterns.

Yes yes, I'm trying to focus on myself, but I can't help thinking about her every day, many times a day, waking up every morning hoping I'll see a 4am text from her which would mean that she's finally unblocked me, and maybe starting to rethink or forget all the twisted villain stories she created in her mind during and after the breakup.

I have no answers, but I'm here going through similar agony it sounds like, and I'm invested in hearing where your story goes from here.

[ForeverDad]

Is it final?  Frankly, it should be.

If she ever reaches out to you, know deep within yourself that resuming such a chaotic relationship yet again will only enable another future rejection and heartache.

Maybe - but probably unlikely - one day she will start meaningful therapy (DBT or CBT are highly recommended) and she could stick with it for years and manage to progress to some level of recovery.  Maybe.  But the odds are against you.  More likely she will continue Denial, Blaming and Shifting Blame.

Better for you to Gift yourself Closure (that you didn't receive from her) then Let Go and Move On.  In the meantime you would be well advised to find a counselor who can help you find yourself and worthwhile goals.

[IsItOver]

I know it should be final from my standpoint - and i'm not saying i'd jump back into anything serious with her.
I still deeply care about her and want her to succeed in life, and would love to be some part of it - even just an acquantence.

Would I consider more if she were actively engaged in long term treatment? 100%. Do I think she will? Not unless she hits rock bottom and is forced to come to a realisation.

@Caleb91, i'll keep you posted if I hear anything, etc

[ForeverDad]

would love to be some part of it - even just an acquaintance.

Unlikely.  Not saying it couldn't happen, but even as acquaintances the risk is that the cycles would resume.  It's as though either you're in or you're out, halfway usually isn't an option.  That's how impacting the mental illness is.

[IsItOver]

Unlikely.  Not saying it couldn't happen, but even as acquaintances the risk is that the cycles would resume.  It's as though either you're in or you're out, halfway usually isn't an option.  That's how impacting the mental illness is.

Well from where i'm standing right now closer and closer to 6 months post-breakup, regardless of "you're either in or out", doesn't seem like any of its likely... We're entirely out of contact and I would of thought if she wanted me to be a part of her life she would of reached out by now?

If i'm wrong let me know, but it does feel pretty "final" / "done" to me.

[kells76]

Hi IsItOver, glad you found us, and

Everything sucks because I feel like I have no power, have no control, don't know what to expect...
Will she reach out? Is she gone for good? Is my replacement going to have the life with her I wanted to?

If BPD is in play in your situation, then how you feel makes a lot of sense. My husband's kids' mom has many traits, and I can relate to you saying you don't know what to expect. Some members here talk about a "predictable unpredictability" to some BPD patterns.

These relationships are crucibles for us. We're faced with a foundational choice: will we keep the spotlight on them -- what are they doing/thinking/feeling/wanting, when will they change/get help/come back/see the light, or will we finally break the cycle of our contribution to the dynamic b y turning that spotlight on ourselves?

This position of not knowing what to expect, and feeling powerless, is so uncomfortable. I've been there, too -- it's a lot of what I talk about with my therapist    Are you seeing a therapist or counselor right now, for yourself? That kind of support can be so critical when we're trying to make wise choices if BPD is in the mix.

Turning back to your feeling of not having power or control -- that does suck. Again, these relationships are crucibles that give us the opportunity to get intense clarity around the fact that we do actually have a lot of control... over ourselves. And, we have zero control over anyone else. It's important to keep that distinction, because I'm wondering if there are some blurred boundaries that are making it feel like there's not much under your control, because you recognize at some level that her choices are out of your control?

There is one big choice that is 100% under your control, even though it might be frightening. Deciding  not to choose to be in a relationship with her is a choice under your control.

Deciding to reflect on your own personal boundaries (rules for yourself that are 100% under your control) is another choice that you control. For example, you could decide for yourself that you are able to be in relationships with partners who get support for mental health. If she tries to reconnect and shares that she's in treatment, then you could decide to reconnect in a way that is coherent with your values. If she isn't getting help, you could also choose not to reconnect, because that would be respecting your own boundaries for yourself.

I guess my overall thought is that even though right now seems like rock bottom, with no clear sense of what's in the future, you have an opportunity -- when everything is stripped down to its fundamentals -- to take the wheel of your own life and decide if you'll prioritize your own mental health right now. It's a win win -- if she chooses to try to reconnect, you'll be in a much more stable position and able to execute on a different approach with her (because whatever was going on wasn't working). And if she doesn't choose to reconnect, you've invested in yourself and have turned that spotlight onto you and the inadvertent ways you may have contributed to the dynamic. What a gift to bring forward into any future relationship.

Anyway, lots of food for thought... anything resonate? Anything off target?

[IsItOver]

I kind of ran out of energy to engage with... well, everything... so ended up ghosting this thread.

Time for an update!


Turns out, late May (~2 months into her relationship with A) my ex reactivated her facebook account and mid June she started seeing J on the side behind A's back. This lasted for four months, with her ultimately discarding A three and a half months into seeing J behind his back.

Two weeks later, J had had enough and walked. She did a 180 to A and he took her back. She deactivated facebook around this time. J had also reached out to A to tell him everything that had happened, because J was fed up with my ex's behavior and wanted to make sure people knew the kind of person she truly was - functionally burn bridges for her so she couldn't keep swinging from person to person. (She was financially using both A and J at the same time, by the way).


Fast forward to December, one week before Christmas J gets added by A on Discord, J asks him what he wants but A says nothing. Just after Christmas, the ex has once again reactivated her facebook account. J believes based on his experience with her (he has the most of anyone), she'll likely reach out to him again in 1-2 months as per the proven cycle/track record, but he will no longer entertain it and he is fully done with her.


I myself haven't heard from my ex, besides a single phone call she made to me. Once I'd heard she was no longer with A and was back with J, I contacted a mutual friend who'd cut me off since the breakup (was made to choose a side by my ex) to ask if we could be friends once again as I was no longer "THE" ex. Instead of a call back from the friend, it was my ex who called (they live together now). All she had to say (in a very smug tone, you could hear the smirk) was "stop trying, shes not going to talk to you" and hung up.


As for myself - Christmas was difficult, I still do care about her however I'm doing FAR better than I was. I think about it less, it causes me less pain when I do, and while I miss the person I thought she was and the future I thought we'd have together - I'm certainly glad it isn't me being lied to and betrayed. I won't lie, the flood of relief I felt when I heard her and A broke up was insane. Regardless of them being back together now, I was SHOWN beyond a doubt that it didn't matter who it was or what they did - nobody would ever be enough and it wasn't my fault, it was just my turn.