Thinking of "leaving" but do want my husband to leave the house

[DogLoverMom]

While I am new to the BPD community and my husband hasn't been officially diagnosed, I think may be at the absolute end of our marriage. I won't put up with being backed into rooms/small spaces anymore. He has physically harmed me in the past (3 times), intentional or not (he says not). He knows that is why I need an exit and when he's upset, uses it against me.

We have been married for almost 14 years, together for 20 (since we were 14, 15). We have two boys (ages 8 and 11). I have a good income and he has been a "stay at home" dad for the last 6 years. Looking back, borderline symptoms have been there since our late teens, and his mom and family also agree.

When I went back to school to get my doctorate, he quit his job to focus on becoming a cop. He already had a degree (most of which I did the work for) in criminal justice. He never did a single minute of work towards that. Instead, he went into a deep depression and locked himself in the basement most of the time. I was going to school, taking a 2 and 5 year old to and from daycare, taking care of them and our 2 dogs anytime I was home, doing the groceries and laundry, and working 24 hours a week.
After about 6-9 months he came out of the basement, because he had shoulder surgery. When covid hit, it was nice he was home, but it did take a toll on our kids and their self confidence. My boys love their dad so much, but he can really put them down and judges their every moves, like mine. I have had conversations with them about how he feels things and thinks about things differently than most people and that they are good, amazing boys. If I try defend them or comfort them in front of him, it makes things worse.
The second time he physically hurt me was right after I graduated my doctoral program. Looking back, I should have left him then. I let him stay at home even though both kids were at all-day school because we wanted to move out of state. Two years later (and me being "at the point of leaving" two more times) we moved 12 hours away from all of our friends and family. He has no interest in going back to visit, and we haven't now in the last year even though I want to and the kids want to.
I love our new location, I love my job and I love our house. The kids like their new school and friends. My husband has made no attempts to make friends, volunteer at the school, sign the kids up/take them to any activities, or really do anything with them. He does do more around the house and with grocery shopping, but cooking and taking care of the kids and dogs mostly fall on me when I'm home.
My family is afraid of me going anywhere without my kids because the only time I did, he drove them to the ER in the middle of the night while having a panic attack and started calling all of my sisters and mom because I wasn't answering the phone. Earlier that night he had fabricated a reason to get mad at me and sent me multiple pictures of things around the house I left messy before I left. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him the rest of the night after arguing on the phone through the dinner part of the reception.
He has chronic pain and a distrust of the medical community, so really hasn't had it fully worked up.
Anyway, that was a lot of background information... Sorry for the venting/rambling. The real point is .. how do I get him to be the one to leave the house. He hasn't worked and really hasn't helped much in the last half of our marriage.
With both of our families being far away, it really complicates things. I have seen other posts about people having recordings of their BPD spouses. What is the safest way to do this?
I am planning on getting a therapist to help me navigate this as well. I have also seen that the book "Splitting" could be helpful. He has mentioned SI in the past, especially when talking about splitting up, so that is a concern as well.
I want to keep my dream house. I want to give our boys the option of joint custody, but depending on how he treats them, that could change.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated, thank you.

[DogLoverMom]

Oops... Sorry, typo in the subject... I DO want my husband to leave the house

[ForeverDad]

We wish you didn't have reason to come here but you do need a safe place to find support and resources.  So here we are.  I'm sure others will chime in soon but I'll offer my initial thoughts.

I recently posted similar overviews here.  <-- click the link

Of course it makes sense that the problem person ought to be the one to depart.  Reality may make it not very easy to accomplish.  So let's look at it from different angles.

Have you confidentially and privately interviewed some family law attorneys (lawyers/solicitors)?  Some states do allow the the person filing for divorce also request to be the person who remains in possession of the home and have the other depart.  It may involve some sort of temporary protection order.  And frankly, living separately with clear boundaries of behavior does make sense since the initial separation time is when DV is at the highest risk.  Which is why "confidentially and privately" are crucial.

Another scenario is when there is a recent incident of violence, threat, etc.  Promptly seeking legal protection will get a response from courts or police.  If the incidents are well in the past then it may not be seen as urgent.  (When I was in court and was testifying about conflict with my stbEx, the magistrate stopped me when I described an incident over six months before, he stopped me.  It seems some courts focus most on incidents within the past six months before filing.)  For example, picture you calling emergency responders saying, "Last week my ex said he would ____."  A likely response would be, "Please call back when you have a current or ongoing emergency."

This is certainly not to minimize past events, but actionable incidents are usually within a recent time frame, the more recent, the more actionable.  Local lawyers or solicitors can describe local policies, laws and legal strategies.

Did you follow that link?  I listed why you do not share your separation or divorce musings or strategies, that could enable the other to sabotage your plans.  No, you do not give 'fair' advance notice.  Once a marriage is ending, you do not give an opportunity to let the other act first.  For example, if you say you're going to divorce, the other may then file first, seeking the home, the kids and the moon too.  Seek legal advice, get your ducks in a row and then do what is right for your and your children.  (In other words, your ex is at the bottom of your priority list, if even there.)

[DogLoverMom]

Thank you!

I have not spoken to any attorneys yet, but definitely plan to.
Up until yesterday, I was really hopeful that we could work things out since I was learning more about validation and he started counseling (even if he had his therapist convinced that he doesn't have BPD).
I should have looked at this board instead of only looking at the "reverse a breakup board".
Needing recent evidence makes complete, logical sense and so did the points in the link.
I am looking for a counselor whonhas experience with BPD currently and will start looking for lawyers as well. I have very little privacy/time away from work or home. I did recently start creating a log of incidents that have happened throughout our relationship, more to keep myself honest on his behaviors.

[At Bay]

I’m sorry to hear the stress level in your life right now. One of the hardest things about it, and it favors him, is that with the stress, it’s difficult for you to see how to make things better. Seeing a therapist is a good start and also speaking to a center for abused women who understand the effects of threats, hinted repercussions or violence for saying or doing anything he doesn’t like.

Caring people and even the state would be looking out for you and your kids. He may be pointing out what he’s doing for everyone, but mistreating any of you is inexcusable.

He has a responsibility to you and his children. That he is letting you down isn’t your fault, and in my opinion, you need the advice not only of an abused women’s center and therapist, but also advice from an attorney about your rights under the special circumstances.

Many of us here know all too well how hard this is to face. Please keep posting and seeking the experience of others, and what might help. No one should be alone in this.

[ProtectiveDad]

I've been in similar shoes and you're doing amazingly well given how difficult this is!  A few things I'll share that, based on where I am in my journey, I count my lucky stars every day that I fell into.

1.  You mentioned the book "Splitting".  Read it!  It's just a few hours read but it will help a tremendous amount.  I read it only recently and it really reinforced the things i had done right, reset my expectations of an outcome which really helped manage my stress and overall mood, and finally brought me to realizing how I could respond differently to certain scenarios (false allegations and lying in court- ready yourself!).

2.  The absolute best decision I made was hiring a consultative attorney that has experience in DV cases.  I don't know how much my attorney knows about PDs, but my attorney's help and advice has been the truest of blessings and I genuinely think it has saved lives.

3.  Having a solid therapist.  I've had the same one for years and this therapist has seen me through and out of hell, and back in again, and back out again.  Without this individual, I'd be... I don't want to even think about it. If you take nothing else from this... get a therapist, you're in for a long and hard road.

[ParentingThruIt]

I was able to get an order to vacate the house for my husband and initially sole custody and stay-away from the house and school order because he was passing out while watching our kids and had a prior history of some DV incidents (spread out, like yours). Don't know if you have enough for one but it's worth asking your attorney. His SI might factor in etc.

I have gone to a domestic violence support group since 2 months before I vacated him and it's been really helpful - echoing what others are saying here. Even if violence isn't your #1 problem, control and problematic behavior dynamics are similar and as ForeverDad said when you leave is the most dangerous time.

Welcome and best wishes. As others have said you seem to have coped really well with a really tough situation.