I Finally See It For What It Is - What Now?

[Intotheforest]

My sibling is likely undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. I don't want to get into all the hurtful things that have gone on over the years, but we are now basically estranged. We each have our own families and lives. I have questioned through the years what I could do differently, never understanding why I am constantly cast as a horrible, mean person over and over again. I never understood why all my words were misconstrued, why my sibling has memories of me saying things I never said, and why my sibling thinks its okay and normal to lie about me, triangulate with others using inaccurate information and often hurtful lies about me, one-upping my suffering, refusing to take accountability and then expecting me to be accountable for things I didn't say or do. Anyway, it's been a hurtful hell of a ride and in doing my own work, I've come to recognize without a doubt that I've been in a relationship with someone who is abusive to me in particular. Even though I have empathy for the disease, I am so resentful of all the pain and all the ways my sibling has tried to cast me as this horrible uncaring person who wants to hurt them. Making matters worse, my family never acknowledges this is a problem, at least not openly, and generally enables her. Anyway, I don't want to lay out the whole history. I just want help figuring out how to move forward now that I am reasonably certain my sibling has this disease and that I seem to be the person they have consistently de-valued, and I would even say, demonized. Help.

[Notwendy]

I think a certain level of estrangement is the inevitable result of a relationship with this much abuse- if you want to avoid the abuse. It's sad and difficult and we do grieve the loss of the relationship we hoped for or wished for. However, we can't change how someone thinks or feels.

The Karpman triangle helped me to understand this. My BPD mother perceives herself as Victim. Others are cast in the role of either Rescuer or Persecutor but due to victim perspective- even the Rescuers don't succeed, as much as they try.

It's difficult to be cast as the scapegoat. It's frustrating to hear some of the things my mother says to others about me. I have made efforts to be of help to her and yet, she turns these efforts around into something else.

Before I understood the Karpman triange dynamics, being the "bad guy" felt hurtful. I tried to be even more helpful to prove that I wasn't that way.  For her to be in Victim perspective- attempts to change that have to fail.

Does this mean we don't do nice things for our family members with BPD or treat them decently? No, it means we turn to our own sense of self and ethics. If I do something nice for her- how she sees it doesn't change my intent or motive. However, I don't do things to try to change her perspective or feelings, and I don't do things with the expectation she will "see" them for what they are. I also don't do something unless I choose to do it. I also don't act intentionally hurtful to her, but I can't change if she perceives it that way.

This kind of situation affects families. Some family members may buy into my mother's view-or your sister's view in your case and also be enablers. They have choices too and we can't change what they believe or choose to do.

For me, understanding the Karpman triangle helped me to not take my BPD mother's behavior personally. It's not about me but about her disfunctional thinking. Your sister's behavior is not about you. What she says about you is more about her than it is about you. I don't like to be "cast" as the bad guy in my mother's thinking -but I don't have the capacity to change her thinking.

With her and anyone who is in her circle- I remain cordial but keep an emotional distance. You can move forward with the understanding that your sister's behavior isn't your fault or even about you.

[Intotheforest]

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[Notwendy]

Glad this helped!