Helping a spouse that seems to driving herself to isolation

[gmn0122]

My spouse and I have lived in our neighborhood for 20 years and have many family friends.  Over the last year, my SO has become more paranoid about the friendships and is very focused on the negative elements which has led to her withdrawing from social circles.  She is now basically giving the group of friends the silent treatment while she hopes that they reach out directly to her to affirm their love and check in with her. 

I know that these individuals do love and care for her very much, so it is difficult to watch her project these negative feelings on them and isolate herself and potentially harm long term relationships.

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[ExhaustedEmpath]

I can relate to this. My pwBPD over thinks interactions with friends to the point he finds a perceived slight or insult and cuts friends off. Then he waits for them to mend with him. When they don’t, it solidifies his perception.
This makes socializing with other couples very difficult and has left him with no friends in his mind. This in turn puts a lot of stress on me and our relationship being his only friend.

[kells76]

Hi gmn0122, adding another welcome from me 

It's painful to watch someone you love damage relationships when it seems so pointless. You just want your pwBPD to have normal, supportive friendships, but it seems like self-sabotage instead.

it is difficult to watch her project these negative feelings on them and isolate herself and potentially harm long term relationships.

How do you manage/take care of your own feelings when you see this happening?

This in turn puts a lot of stress on me and our relationship being his only friend.

That would be a stressful position to be in -- and exhausting. Are you able to stay committed to your own values for socializing with others, regardless of what he says his needs are?

[CC43]

Hi GMN,

Projecting negative feelings and intentions onto others is a common feature of BPD.  I think you have shown a deep understanding of your spouse in identifying this behavior.  Others might simply wonder why she has such a hard time with friendships.

I've seen this behavior by the pwBPD in my life.  In her social interactions, it's almost as if she's looking for slights, or signs of condescension or rejection, even if they aren't there.  She seems "primed" for a trauma-like response, in the form of a fight or flight, in mundane interactions.  The "fight" response might emerge as an argument, or typically as angry, accusatory texts that are over-the-top reactions to whatever happened, invariably twisting fact patterns to portray herself as a victim, leaving the other party astonished and reeling.  The "flight" response typically manifests as a block on social media or texting, or the "silent treatment" you describe.  It's ironic how she'll block people and simultaneously become increasingly upset when others don't reach out to her.  Her tactics seem so incredibly misguided and one-sided.  She expects others to apologize, and yet she will never recognize her own role in a fight or misunderstanding.  She'll stand others up with no warning or explanation, while at the same time she'll go ballistic if someone cancels on her with a timely explanation and apology.

I think that underlying the misperceptions and misguided social behavior are pervasive negativity and a lack of self esteem.  In essence, she hates herself.  She can't be a friend to others if she can't be a friend to herself first.  Do you think that something else has been going on with your spouse lately that needs to be addressed?  I suspect that she won't be in a position to repair the relationships with friends until she works on her main issues.  Does that make sense in your situation?  Did something happen in the last year to unhinge your spouse and get her stuck in a rut of negative thinking patterns?  Paranoia is typically brought on by stress in pwBPD.

[gmn0122]

Thanks all for the feedback.  It is very helpful to hear others accounts. 

To date, I have been maintaining these relationships as these people are all very close to me and my wife understands that, however it has definitely been difficult for us both. 

My wife has started treatment and we have been having some good conversations, so I will continue to support her at home and hope that she can grow to understand how to manage her emotions with these relationships. 

For those that have experienced this, do you ever try to play peacemaker?  Its difficult for me to sit and watch what appears to be an slow motion car crash playing out, when to me it feels like it can be resolved with a conversation and a hug. 

[kells76]

Hi gmn0122, good to hear back from you, and great to hear that your wife has started treatment. That could be a real positive.

do you ever try to play peacemaker?  Its difficult for me to sit and watch what appears to be an slow motion car crash playing out, when to me it feels like it can be resolved with a conversation and a hug. 

That part in bold stood out to me. We have our own feelings to manage about what we see the pwBPD in our lives doing/saying. We can manage our feelings in healthier ways or in unhealthier ways.

Sometimes, our desire to intervene is coming from a drive to manage our uncomfortable feelings. Of course it's difficult to watch the car crash, as you aptly term the situation.

Stepping in to try to manage/massage things is a way that we can sometimes escape our feelings instead of managing them appropriately. Sometimes it shows up as Karpman drama triangle dynamics -- stepping in feels familiar, and we fall into an unhealthy (but less uncomfortable) role.

Anything in that link stand out to you, or seem like it might apply in your situation?

[gmn0122]

Sometimes, our desire to intervene is coming from a drive to manage our uncomfortable feelings.

This makes complete sense.  Because these are shared relationships that we have as a couple, it definitely drives me to be more engaged in the situation compared to a relationship that is hers alone.