I feel like I need to write an entire book to fully explain how I feel. My wife and I met almost 6 years ago and have been married for a little over a year. After the first few months together we started a pattern of arguing/fighting pretty frequently. I often felt that our fights were blown way out of proportion and never really understood why. Around a year into our relationship I made the worst decision of my life and cheated. I purchased a few premium SCs, talked to a handful of women, and had sex with one. I immediately regretted it and tried to distance myself from that kind of behavior. 6-9 months afterwards my partner found out that I had been talking to someone. She demanded I tell her the extent of it and asked if I had slept with anyone besides her. I admitted I had and she, understandably, blew up on me.
That day she moved out of where we lived together and back to her parent's. This would be very short-lived, however, as the next day she messaged saying she wanted to get back together. Desperate to fix the situation I agreed and drove the 5 hours to where her parents live to pick her up.
The next year of my life was absolute hell. She constantly abused me physically, verbally, and emotionally. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, even my family, unless she was supervising. I wasn't allowed to attend my online classes unless I displayed everything onto the TV while she sat behind me. When I had proctored exams I was to tell her immediately when I finished so she could come and verify I hadn't been using the internet for anything except the exam. She would constantly berate and belittle me and tell me I deserved it for what I had done to her. She even bragged to a friend once: "I made him pay for cheating on me".
As time went on things did start to improve. She allowed me to get a phone again, she didn't insist on watching over my shoulder every time I used my computer, she would let me go to the bathroom again with the door closed. I still wasn't allowed out of her sight for at least another year, but things were definitely improving.
The last couple of years have been basically the same: I'll do something that will annoy, anger, or piss her off - this can be literally anything such as answering a question the wrong way, or slowing down just slightly too much when she asks me to while we're out walking - and she will blow up on me (screaming, accusing, devaluing, etc.). These situations are only made worse by my failure to handle them well. In the moment I have a hard time recognizing how the BPD is playing a role and I just take everything personally and get defensive. It's hard, though, because I'm starting to suspect I might have my own personality disorder (I don't know if I actually do or if my thinking this is only based on the things my wife has said about me over the years).
Another aspect that really hurts is how my wife will use her mental illness as an excuse when it's convenient or when she wants sympathy. She tells other people, she tells people in her group therapy, she shares things on social media talking about having BPD. But when I asked her to please just acknowledge how being her FP affects my own mental health (emphasizing I'm not trying to make her feel guilty, I just need to hear her say she recognizes how it affects me) suddenly she's in denial: "I haven't been diagnosed yet", "I'm probably just bipolar or have CPTSD", "I don't think I have BPD".
It's extremely frustrating because I'm the one who constantly is burdened with not upsetting her and taking the blame anytime she is upset - if I don't want to be screamed at and given the cold shoulder for days at a time anyway. When we talk about it in couples therapy the narrative she spins is that she is out of control of her emotions, words, actions, etc. so, for instance, if she says I don't love her because I happened to glance in the direction of another woman in public I HAVE to apologize for this harm I caused or she will unleash her wrath. I have a lot of anxiety. She knows I have serious anxiety, especially in situations like fights. I'm not trying to say I'm not also responsible for how I respond when triggered (e.g. when she starts screaming at me so I freak out and try to fix the situation by convincing her that her accusations are untrue). I just want her to stop being a hypocrite about it. She'll laugh at my anxiety, she'll be sarcastic and mock me for freaking out. She doesn't treat me with any semblance of dignity with regard to my mental health, but wants everybody (including me) to constantly pander and feel sorry for her because of her mental health. She wants me to just automatically affirm her beliefs when her head is telling her "he hates you", "he wants to leave you", "he's cheating on you", "he thinks you're fat", "he thinks you're ugly". She isn't looking for me to simply acknowledge she feels that way and say I'm sorry for how I've contributed to her feeling that way, she wants me to agree with her that it is what I'm thinking and apologize for thinking it.
My wife is currently packing up because she says she can't stay with me anymore. We have 2 children 3 and under who will stay with me. I have to go to work Monday morning and I have no idea if I will even be able. I don't have anyone to watch the children (probably not a surprise to many here but I don't have close friends). We've been living paycheck to paycheck for the last couple months. We had gotten onto a budget for 2-3 months earlier this year and started saving, but like clockwork, once our fights got a little too bad she reverted back to impulsive spending well above our means. I have enough to cover our rent that'll be due this coming week, but if I'm not able to return to work I don't know how I'll afford next month's.
I know I've painted my wife in a very negative light here; I'm sure I don't have to say this isn't the whole picture. If it was I don't think our relationship would have lasted as long as it has. I'm new to understanding BPD so I wasn't really aware of how idealization/devaluation worked (I just knew I felt crazy constantly). My wife has made me feel more like
PLEASE READ than anyone else in my life; but she has also made me feel more special than anyone else has. I hate to even say it, but I think I'm addicted to this toxic cycle.
I know I typed this up a little quickly, and admittedly I was a bit pissed while doing so. I apologize for the grammatical mistakes. If anything I said was too unclear let me know so I can clarify.
