is it bpd?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

At the end of last year I came back from living abroad for a few months and the day after I got back my mum had already shut down and started giving me the silent treatment over an issue at the airport with baggage storage (??). That was when I realised that I actually didn't enjoy being around her and there was a reason I had moved in the first place. My relationship with my mother has always been very intense/strained but I hadn’t done anything to understand it because I figured it was normal or it was something wrong with me and not her.

Since then, I’ve been reading a lot about what it's like to be a child of a bpd parent and I’ve never seen my exact thoughts written out so clearly before. I’m just coming on here to see if anyone has had a similar experience to what I talk about below or if it’s something completely different? (apologies in advance if it’s not bpd)

It feels like my mum is always either sad, angry, anxious, or guilty. As soon as she hears something that could be taken as a criticism or rejection (last time it was a joke about MY driving), it’s almost like a switch flicks. Suddenly, she's overwhelmed with negative emotion and starts storming around the house, muttering under her breath, slamming the occasional door or cupboard, talking about how she’s such a terrible mother or person, and ignoring everyone - almost like a child’s tantrum. This happens most days, sometimes multiple times a day if it’s been a stressful one. One minute we’re having the time of our lives and she’s so happy and the next she hates life and herself and me and everything’s a burden. When it gets bad she yells, cries, leaves the house, and she’s gone as far as shoving our dog a couple of times (whom she loves more than anything).

When I was a kid I remember coming downstairs after she’d had a moment the night before and happily saying good morning or something similar only to be met with a grunt or monotone hi in response. For as long as I can remember she’s also had issues with her weight. Sometimes she won’t eat all day or she’ll go on these obsessive health kicks where there won't be any sugar in the house so she "isn't tempted" and a massive sign on the fridge saying "don't eat". My entire family has to watch what we say or do around her just in case it pushes her over this imaginary edge. I can’t hang out with a friend because she could feel betrayed, I can’t move out because she’ll feel like I’m leaving her (ironic), I can’t get her cake for her birthday because she’ll feel fat or take it the wrong way and shut down. She always confides in me about issues with friends, work, even with my dad (who's the most patient person on the planet - the drama is usually her making something of nothing) and I can’t do anything except agree with her otherwise she’ll give me the silent treatment or turn on me. It's exhausting.

I'm not sure if that’s bpd or something else or normal but I just feel like I’m going kind of insane sometimes not knowing if it’s all in my head because when she’s happy she’s not actually a bad mother.

[justaperson41]

Hi everyone,

At the end of last year I came back from living abroad for a few months and the day after I got back my mum had already shut down and started giving me the silent treatment over an issue at the airport with baggage storage (??). That was when I realised that I actually didn't enjoy being around her and there was a reason I had moved in the first place. My relationship with my mother has always been very intense/strained but I hadn’t done anything to understand it because I figured it was normal or it was something wrong with me and not her.

Since then, I’ve been reading a lot about what it's like to be a child of a bpd parent and I’ve never seen my exact thoughts written out so clearly before. I’m just coming on here to see if anyone has had a similar experience to what I talk about below or if it’s something completely different? (apologies in advance if it’s not bpd)

It feels like my mum is always either sad, angry, anxious, or guilty. As soon as she hears something that could be taken as a criticism or rejection (last time it was a joke about MY driving), it’s almost like a switch flicks. Suddenly, she's overwhelmed with negative emotion and starts storming around the house, muttering under her breath, slamming the occasional door or cupboard, talking about how she’s such a terrible mother or person, and ignoring everyone - almost like a child’s tantrum. This happens most days, sometimes multiple times a day if it’s been a stressful one. One minute we’re having the time of our lives and she’s so happy and the next she hates life and herself and me and everything’s a burden. When it gets bad she yells, cries, leaves the house, and she’s gone as far as shoving our dog a couple of times (whom she loves more than anything).

When I was a kid I remember coming downstairs after she’d had a moment the night before and happily saying good morning or something similar only to be met with a grunt or monotone hi in response. For as long as I can remember she’s also had issues with her weight. Sometimes she won’t eat all day or she’ll go on these obsessive health kicks where there won't be any sugar in the house so she "isn't tempted" and a massive sign on the fridge saying "don't eat". My entire family has to watch what we say or do around her just in case it pushes her over this imaginary edge. I can’t hang out with a friend because she could feel betrayed, I can’t move out because she’ll feel like I’m leaving her (ironic), I can’t get her cake for her birthday because she’ll feel fat or take it the wrong way and shut down. She always confides in me about issues with friends, work, even with my dad (who's the most patient person on the planet - the drama is usually her making something of nothing) and I can’t do anything except agree with her otherwise she’ll give me the silent treatment or turn on me. It's exhausting.

I'm not sure if that’s bpd or something else or normal but I just feel like I’m going kind of insane sometimes not knowing if it’s all in my head because when she’s happy she’s not actually a bad mother.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It could be BPD, but it could also be something else. Typically people feel grumpy and are easily piqued when hungry or facing stress in their life. A trauma could bring on a trauma response, putting people in fight or flight mode.

On this site somewhere are signs and symptoms of BPD. Everyone is on a spectrum. Hallmarks include some of the things you mentioned (passive-aggreiveness, irritability, emotional responses to seemingly insignificant stimuli, extreme demandingness, obliviousness to how others might feel). Other indications are a pattern of self-harm and suicidal threats or attempts. Feeling abandoned at every turn is typical. Impulsivity is too. A pattern of intense and ruptured relationships is a sign. Always being a victim is typical. So is bending the truth (or outright fabrication) to preserve victim status. Lashing out at you in misguided attempts to control you or command your attention are signs. Everyone might exhibit some of these behaviors from time to time, but is the behavior so pervasive and extreme and long lasting that it’s disrupting her life, and yours?  Do her thought patterns go haywire when she’s emotional, so much so that she can’t process what’s going on or think rationally, let alone listen to you?  Then maybe it could be BPD.   

[silent child]

Hi there. Wow… I am similar age to you and you’ve pretty much just described my life word for word. It was almost creepy reading it … down to the exact wording on the sugar cleanses, random healthy eating kicks, ALWAYS in one of the few moods you mentioned, and the one that really resonated - a child’s tantrum. I just found this website because I’m on a trip with my uBPD mom & I was seeking advice on how to handle her. It’s comforting (but also kind of sad) to see that others grew up in an almost identical environment. It can feel isolating too. I don’t know about you, but all my friends had very sweet and normal and involved mothers. Mine was just always a bit off. Always had to be really careful around her to not trigger a mood or bout of silent treatment, etc.

I’d love to know the resources that you read recently so that I can give them a look myself. I am in Africa with me uBPD mom for the next 2 weeks and the silent treatment has already started, so maybe some reading on this will get me through

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I know the feeling. Moving out after college last year was so incredibly freeing, but you forget how bad it is until you go back, so proceed with caution. 

Best of luck to you!

[justaperson41]

Hi, thank you both for responding! I definitely agree that borderline is a spectrum and I really appreciate your insights.

Silent child, our mums sound like they could be twins. I know exactly what you mean about your friends, mine are always excited to go home and see their parents but I’ve just always felt a bit out of place (and a little guilty) for preferring to stay where I am. Some of the resources I was looking at were the “Understanding the Borderline Mother” book by Christine Ann Lawson (particularly the waif section) - there’s a pdf online somewhere which was really helpful

This website: https://eggshelltherapy.com/mother-with-bpd/ was also really good, specifically with understanding my own emotions and moving forward. I wish you all the best for the trip, I know solo trips with my mum are always difficult.