My adult son

[Ellah]

Hi, I’m new here and hoping to get some advice. I’m also in the UK
I’m am realising that my son aged 24 has BPD. My Mother has it so it seems it’s been passed down. Can you offer any advice as to what to do please? He still lives at home and works with me.
I have long suspected Autism as well but this is undiagnosed due to incredibly long waiting list (7 years +) for a diagnosis

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AlwaysAnxious]

Welcome.
I don't have much advice for you as I'm new here too but your story sounds similar to mine and so I just wanted to let you know this forum has been a huge help and you aren't alone.  I bought the book Walking on Eggshells and the workbook as well and I'm working through it.

AlwaysAnxious

[CC43]

Hi Ella, you've come to the right place.  BPD behaviors can really impact your son's functioning and therefore his life, as well as yours.  If you have questions, or if you just need a place to vent or process your feelings, we'll try to listen and help you.  Guilt, fear, frustration, despondency, resentment and mourning are typical of parents with a BPD child.  But I do think there's reason for hope, especially as your son is still fairly young, and he might be able to learn how to tame his emotions, turn things around and look forward to a bright future, with guidance from you.  But BPD behaviors are on a spectrum, and some sufferers are more functional than others.  It's also fairly common to have co-existing conditions, like ADHD, OCD, anxiety and depression.  The good news is that there are effective medications that can treat many co-existing conditions.  And DBT therapy can help to treat BPD, if the patient is committed to the process.

Many parents have trouble enforcing boundaries, which is a common topic.  Boundaries are basically rules for how you respond to situations, and not about changing your loved one per se.  Some parents feel like they are walking on eggshells, trying to avoid doing or saying anything that will trigger an outburst or meltdown from their BPD kid.  Many BPD sufferers resort to self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, which typically exacerbates the self-destructive behaviors.  Most BPD sufferers adopt a victim attitude and blame others, especially parents, for their own poor choices, which is ironic because parents are typically the most supportive people in their lives.  Blaming isn't helpful if it means they are resistant to getting therapy to change for the better.

Without knowing the particulars of your situation, I'd say there are a few things that helped me most.  First, the tougher things got, the more I needed to to focus on self-care.  For me, self-care means eating right, exercising and getting sleep, with exercise being an amazing way to de-stress and re-center.  Second, I try not to JADE when my loved ones are having a meltdown.  JADE is short for justify, argue, defend and explain; when there's a meltdown, the emotional brain takes over, so it's impossible for them to process any logical arguments.  JADEing in the heat of the moment just makes things worse!  Third, I think in terms of "adult tantrums."  What's the best response to an adult tantrum?  An adult time-out.  That means space and time for the pwBPD to cool off, and the timetable is entirely up to them.  And fourth, no illicit drug use is allowed in my household.  I don't control what happens outside my home, but my home is a drug-free zone.

I hope you see you're not alone in this difficult journey.  All my best to you.  Take care.