Any tips or tricks please?

[mango_flower]

The main issue I would like help with is that my Ubpd "partner" gets an idea in her head and it gets stuck.

She goes on and on about it (it's usually irrational about something I have done- e.g I left a group gathering for 5 mins to make a phone call to a friend who was upset).

She didn't say anything at the time- 3 days later when mad at me for something else, she brings this up - how rude that was, unacceptable etc.

She even swears over message, telling me to F off, calling me dull, frigid, miserable...

No matter what I say, it's a repetitive loop.

I have tried justifying, apologising, and ignoring.

I'm not sure which is best?

I have tried SET but unsure how to do this when the attack is on me?

Interestingly, I had enough today and called her out on her behaviour - I told her her feelings were very valid but her behaviour was not OK and that she has never once apologised or taken any accountability.

She responded with "that's because it's 100% your fault".

What should I do at the time when she is ranting over messages?

And how do I ever bring it up when she is calmer? Because it just seems to trigger her again,or she shuts down and says "oh don't start".

Help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi mango_flower;

Getting fixated on a certain idea of how things were, or how things went, sounds pretty familiar around here. To me, it seems like a common feature, versus an uncommon occurrence, when BPD is involved. Kind of part of the package.

I think you're on to something when you noted that no matter what you say or how you say it, she remains fixated and in a loop on that idea.

What is your goal in this situation?

[mango_flower]

Hi, sorry for late reply!
My goal is to not trigger her further - to keep an uneasy truce until she has gone back to being her usual lovely self?

I mean, ideally I would like her to see sense but that's not going to happen....

So at least just to de-escalate the situation?

Thank you

[Pook075]

So at least just to de-escalate the situation?

Hey Mango!

It feels like there's two things going on here:

1) You don't want to hear about that instance anymore
2) You want to make your spouse realize they're wrong

Let's start with #2, since it would be easier to teach you to fly than to teach you how to get a BPD person to admit they're wrong.  This second point is the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish long term, so the only move here is to let it go and accept that you're not getting an apology.

For #1, it might help to understand why your spouse keeps circling back to this.  Every single time they feel insecure (for whatever reason- could be valid or imaginary), their mind starts looking for proof that the person they're insecure with has wronged them.  So instances like walking away to take a 5-minute phone call, regardless if you were in the wrong or not, tend to become "proof statements" that you're an insensitive jerk.

Think of a lawyer preparing opening remarks for trial.  My client is innocent because of A, B, C, D, and E.  The prosecution will point out, F, G, and H, and I'll now explain why each of these are illogical and incorrect.

A BPD person feels like they're doing the exact same thing as the defense lawyer, but their minds are actually doing something like this:

- I wonder why they just walked away like that
- They did rudely take that phone call and they never apologized
- They didn't even hug me before leaving, they knew i needed a hug too....
- The week I met them, they said their cousin was sick.  I wonder if that's a lie?
- They lied about the phone call thing and disrespected me, I deserve better than that
- I wonder where they are now, maybe they're cheating on me. Why am I doing this?
- They did say they had to go the other day when I called at lunch, who were they with?
- Why do they always put me down and feel like crap?  Should I leave?  I'm going to tell them how I feel....
- (You walk in the room) Why did you disrespect me like that and walk away from the party?  And don't say someone needed you, I needed you!

What to do in this situation is ignore the actual question being asked and focus on the emotions that are behind the words.  If they're angry, be calming.  If they're upset, be supportive.  If they're violent, then leave (and/or call 911).  Because what they're looking for by bringing this up over and over again isn't an explanation....there is no explanation because it's disordered thinking. 

It's like asking why the sky is fluorescent purple- the correct answer is, "It's not."  But that's your viewpoint (and the world's viewpoint), which devastates a person with BPD.  Some of their facts just don't add up to anyone but them.

I hope that helps.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much! Something really resonated re focusing on the emotion behind the words...so yes, what's the REAL reason she is accusatory of me being rude, messed up, selfish, needing therapy etc?! And support that part.

As we don't live together and work differen shifts, a lot of our communication is over messaging which makes it a lot harder.

I will have a think on how to convey the support over messages!

Thank you ☺️

[LittleRedBarn]

I read somewhere recently (can't remember where), that with BPD accusations are normally confessions. So, if your wife is accusing you of being rude, messed up, needing therapy etc, it's because somewhere, deep down where she can't access it, she's describing herself. And if you deny that YOU are rude, messed up and needing therapy, the only place she can go is to confront that it might actually be her and she literally cannot tolerate that.

You have to get away from the accusations (hard to do when they are being thrown in your direction) and try to look at what is really going on for her. That's why looking at the emotions behind the words can help. If someone really believes that they are rude, messed up and needing therapy, how would they feel? Shame, I would imagine, guilt, humiliation, fear...  If you can get anywhere near those feelings at all, I'm sure it would help.

Oh, and NEVER talk about what I've just written above to her, unless she is super-calm and well-regulated. Even then I would be cautious - it could be like putting petrol on a fire!

I say all this knowing that the theory is fine, but putting it in practice is s-o-o-o-o hard!!

[mango_flower]

Thank you! I read similar. And wondered the same! Interestingly some of the stuff she has accused me of (e.g that my ex is taking me for a mug re money) is exactly what happened to my Ubpd in the past (according to what she told me once). (And BTW my ex has not taken me for a mug, we have divided assets in a fair and legal way)

I'm starting to see the thoughts behind the words now which is starting to help. It's helping me get less defensive for sure!

[Pook075]

Thank you! I read similar. And wondered the same! Interestingly some of the stuff she has accused me of (e.g that my ex is taking me for a mug re money) is exactly what happened to my Ubpd in the past (according to what she told me once). (And BTW my ex has not taken me for a mug, we have divided assets in a fair and legal way)

I'm starting to see the thoughts behind the words now which is starting to help. It's helping me get less defensive for sure!

It's a breakthrough moment for sure, because instead of the attack being about you, it becomes obvious that this is a sick person lashing out because the world stinks and is unfair.  They're hurting so much internally and trying their best to hide it that the only thing left is to lash out over everything and anything that's perceived as a slight towards them.

One other nugget to keep in mind, those closest to a pwBPD take the brunt of the verbal abuse.  They wouldn't go off on a stranger because that's just plain rude...but someone they know and love, they're held to a different (impossible) standard.  They push you away hoping you'll pull them back in with love and attention; they simply seek that affirmation in the worst possible way at times.