Sticky Situation

[Anonymouse2]

Hello,
This is a long story, but I appreciate anyone who is listening.
I moved to Nebraska for a new job and finally got settled in enough to where I wanted to start dating.
I met a guy named Jack (not real name) on a dating app. We seemed to enjoy each other's company and went out again. By the 3rd date, Jack dropped the bomb he was seeing a therapist and the therapist recommended not to date (he was having some depression from what he said and needed to work on himself), so he only could offer friendship.
I said fine to friendship...because I was still new to the area and didn't have any romantic feelings going on at that point.
We ended up texting and talking for hours every day. And hanging out every weekend. I realized I was developing feelings for Jack beyond friendship. I didn't realize it at the time, but Jack was love-bombing and mirroring me. We had a completely different upbringing and background, but we seemed to have so much in common and wanted the same things out of life. We both felt this insanely deep and strong connection with each other, but Jack said he couldn't be in a relationship with me and I was too good for him. Jack didn't have romantic feelings for me (even though he sometimes would indicate there was something there and he was holding back). I didn't believe he didn't have some sort of attraction to me and sadly was holding out hope maybe things would change.

Jack quit seeing the therapist and then started seeing this other girl (Michele, fake name) and got intimate with her. He would call me and be really distraught if Michele didn't respond back or said something he misinterpreted. And then they would talk and things would be good again until the next time.
I couldn't take the constant rejection and didn't really want to be in Jack's life anymore even though I would miss him. I was weak and co-dependent...and couldn't stop wanting to be more than just friends. I told Jack I couldn't be in his life anymore...he said fine, but he doesn't allow people back in his life.
I was absolutely miserable (and realized I developed a limerence for him)...it was agony in my world and I felt like I couldn't function. All I could think about was Jack. I realized Jack probably had undiagnosed BPD. Jack had a really rough upbringing, had issues with emotional dysregulation, and seemed to push everyone away in his life...or everyone else was the problem except him. I wanted so badly to help him before I realized months later that there is no hope to help him and his problems will never be solved.
I was an idiot and couldn't work through my feelings. I went crawling back to Jack...even though I should have ran far away.
Jack was not receptive at first and was punishing me with silence, but did not block me...eventually, he let me back in his life...and said I hurt him.

Jack and I started texting and talking again. Jack actually wanted to move in together.
The next weekend we hung out. It started innocently enough with just going out to dinner, but ended with us in bed together. We both had too much to drink and both were in a vulnerable state. Earlier that night, Jack told me he loved me.
I didn't realize this at the time, but Jack was splitting on himself after we were intimate.
Things got awkward and Jack said we couldn't be friends anymore. I was sorry for what happened too because I would have stopped things if I was more sober. I had feelings for him, but he got drunk some other times...and he would start to get "handsy" and I would tell him no (which is why I thought he definitely had some feelings for me too, but didn't want to act on them).
I didn't reach out...and a couple of weeks later Jack acted like nothing happened and said we weren't going to talk about that night...and just move on like nothing happened.
Eventually Jack told me he didn't really Michele that much, but was just using her for a booty call. I told Jack he should quit playing with Michele's feelings because Michele was really enamored with Jack and wanted a relationship or something more too.
Jack did end up breaking things off with Michele since she was pushing for a relationship so hard.

Fast forward to the next week, Jack wanted to go to a concert with me...
So, we went to the concert, but things got bad halfway through and Jack ended up splitting on me.
He said some really vile things and it was just scary how he was re-writing history in real time...and seeing the empty glaze in his eyes. Jack said I was dead to him.
I thought for sure this was the end...and I really needed to have some dignity for myself to walk away from Jack and the whole situation. It opened my eyes for being with Jack could bring some potential danger in my life.

Jack reached out two weeks later. He went right back to acting like nothing happened. We hung out again...Jack got drunk and said he wanted to move in together...and that he loved me again.
Basically, when Jack gets drunk...his inhibitions go out the door, but when Jack is sober...he keeps more distant.

Fast forward to last week, Jack was distraught over something and was drinking again. He was making poor choices and called his booty call. Michele was not very thrilled about being used, but couldn't say no. I'm pretty sure...if Michele didn't say yes...Jack would have broken down his wall and asked me to be his booty call instead.

Anyway, I'm sick of being entangled and enmeshed in this.
Jack wants to go on a road trip with me to California in a couple of weeks...and I just don't want to be around him anymore...but I unfortunately haven't made any other connections or friends while being in Nebraska yet. I need Jack out of my life, but I'm so intertwined in his world right now...and accepting things I wouldn't normally accept because I still have romantic feelings and feel connected to him.
It's horrible. I am like a moth to a flame.
Any advice how to tell Jack no for the trip and trying to get distance from him? I need to step things up and be strong for myself because this whole situation sucks.

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[Anonymouse2]

I just wanted to add a couple more things.
Jack always has to be right...you cannot disagree with him.

And Jack is aware I have feelings for him, but he always insists the only thing he can offer is friendship and he doesn't have romantic feelings for me.

It's pretty crappy that he doesn't want to let me go either and wants to string me along for his validation.

[ForeverDad]

Just a disclaimer here... None of us can 'save' someone else.  Support yes, but the only person doing the saving has to be oneself.  Borderline is a disorder most impactful among the closest of relationships, which is why a relationship would be dysfunctional.

If someone has BPD, then relationships are likely to be repeating cycles of push and pull.  It's been described as a dysfunctional dance, you pull together, the other pushes away, then roles reverse, again and again.  It stops when the relationship ends and usually that's when we accept that it's up to us to do it.

Have you  considered devising and strengthening Boundaries, your own?  We're not talking about boundaries for the other person, a person with BPD (pwBPD) typically resists boundaries.  Therefore, practical boundaries are boundaries you set for yourself.

Usually I'd comment that boundaries are in response to the other's misbehaviors, but in this case  it's your own inclinations.  Here's a link to our Tools & Skills Workshops board where you can browse.  Note especially the topics on Boundaries as well the second half of the list that help us look at ourselves.

Tools & Skills Workshops

He quit his therapy.  What about you?  I recall when I went through divorce my lawyer exclaimed, "Courts love counseling!"  We can all use helpful guidance now and then in our lives.  Ponder too seeking a counselor to help you fortify your determination to stand on your own two feet and not succumb to inclinations you know will sabotage you?

[Anonymouse2]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thank you for the response and the advice to look at the Tools and Skills Workshop for strengthening boundaries.
I definitely will be spending some time pouring through the information.
Yes, I called about seeing a counselor last week and they said it was a 2 month wait list. I did book an appointment, but that's quite far away.