Why did I tolerate the b.s. for 20 years?

[JoannaK]

I haven't been on that much over the last week or so, and I was catching up last night... .just reading a few posts.?  Then my bf and I had a conversation in which something made me remember some ridiculous situation that happened with my exh.?  I was telling my bf about the ridiculous situation and wondering why I argued with the exh and why I felt that I had to defend myself against his stupidity.?  

I know... .yep, absolutely KNOW... .that I would never tolerate the same b.s. that I tolerated all of those years.?  Furthermore, I know that I couldn't love anybody now who engaged in those abusive behaviors.  (And my bf is not perfect... .that's not the point.  But he is never abusive.)?  

I have a friend who is now going through a painful break-up with a live in bf after 9 years.?  She does keep idolizing him and remembering the good things... .but I never thought he was much of anything, and I have to hold my tongue whenever she goes on about how charming and cute he was... .I just can't see it.?  And I never could.?  

He hasn't treated her very nicely for years, but she still remembers how wonderful he was.?  The more she tells me about the details of her relationship with him, the more I realize how abusive he was.?  

This woman has two master's degrees, a responsible job, many friends, a rapidly-appreciating house in a good neighborhood, two great kids who are older... .She has so much going for her.?  Why did she hang on?  Why didn't she pitch this guy years ago?  Why couldn't she see him as he really was... .under the supposed "charm" that pulled her in?  And why is she having such a hard time moving on?  Anybody has got to be better than that creepy guy.?  (My friend doesn't know how little I cared for her beloved.)

I'm not surprised that things turned out as they did... .I remember how surprised I was when I first met him... .he wasn't anything like the handsome, charming, caring man that she described.?  He was crabby and creepy... .but she didn't see it.

But I don't really understand why I hung on to my exh for all of those years.?  I don't know when I finally "flipped" and began to realize that I would no longer tolerate abuse in my life... .and I could no longer "love" someone who treated me like ___.?  I wish I could tell everyone out there who is still pining, still tolerating, b.s. what I did to get away emotionally, but, after 3+ years reading and posting at bpdfamily, I still can't.?  Perhaps it is something that we all must do individually.

I do know a few things:

1.?  My self-esteem is much better now.?  I'm not sure why, as I was beautiful, young, had a great job, had EVERYTHING when I met my exh when I was 30... .but I have a much better sense of myself now.?  

2.?  The Internet means that there are many more fish in the pond than there were 20+ years ago.?  Years back, we met people through friends, through work (not a good idea), at bars, at social events.?  Meetings were superficial and quick.?  You had to quickly decide if you wanted to see someone again... then your perceptions of the person were clouded by their physical appearance.?  I remember going into a bar, scanning the available pool and announcing to my friends "There's nobody here I'm interested in."?  My friends and I were always bemoaning the dearth of good men.

My 50ish friend now has a chance to interact with hundreds of potential people... .many more than you could possibly cull through at a noisy bar.?  And just about anybody is going to be better than the creep that just left her.?  (Now if only she can see that!)?  If one person turns out to be abusive, you can easily start making connections with someone else.?  So... .I think that the Internet does expand the "market" and doesn't make potential partners seem so scarce.?  

3.?  I guess this is a corollary of number 1:?  I deserve better.?  I know this.?  I feel it. Someone abusive is not "better" no matter how charming, sexy, or smart they may be... .no matter how sincere or warm they may act towards me or anyone else.?  A genuinely caring person will never abuse or seriously berate someone they love... .If they seem to be sincere but they are abusive to you, it is some kind of act... .it is not real.

4.?  Time and a greater belief in ourselves are the great healers.?  

Until we really know in our heart of hearts that we won't tolerate abuse, we are not ready to start a relationship.?  We will choose wrong, we will stay even if the person becomes abusive, we will blame ourselves when things go downhill.?  Or we will wind up getting pulled back into the abusive relationship that we just left.

Only we can work on our own self-esteem.?  It really involves liking ourselves... .and it does involve being the best person physically, mentally, and emotionally that we can be.?  Unless we really like ourselves, we will sell ourself short every time.?  That's how we get into and stay in these lousy relationships.

I wish I had those twenty years back.?  Yeah, I had many good experiences with my exh, but at such a cost?  And I wish I could convince everybody who is still tolerating b.s. to move on.?  It's just not worth it.?  Don't accept crumbs from an abusive partner when you can have a whole cake with someone who is geuinely loving and caring... .and just as sexy and attractive.?  Actually, probably more so, because we tend not to see our BPD loved ones with objective eyes.

For all of those who still "love"... .don't think about them.?  Think about yourself.?  Think about who you are and what you deserve.?  You will wake up one day and no longer "love" that person you are pining for.?  In fact, like me, you will not even understand the attraction.?  Because you've moved on.

[cornucopia]

Thank you so much for this post. I needed to read it right now. I keep asking myself why I have waited 23 years to wake up. At least I can gain some strength knowing that there can be a life after the b.s., and that once I leave Oz I won't ever have to look back.

I am continually amazed reading posts on bpdfamily. This place is full of brilliant, insightful, kind, patient, excellent people. It sucks so bad that the best people end up in the worst situations, but priceless that they have the opportunity to learn from bitter experience and to move on to find what they really deserve.

[bluemumdaughterbpd]

But I don't really understand why I hung on to my exh for all of those years.?  I don't know when I finally "flipped" and began to realize that I would no longer tolerate abuse in my life... .and I could no longer "love" someone who treated me like ___.?  I wish I could tell everyone out there who is still pining, still tolerating, b.s. what I did to get away emotionally, but, after 3+ years reading and posting at bpdfamily, I still can't.?  Perhaps it is something that we all must do individually.

Ditto Joanna,

I don't know why I stayed with my 'X' and get this I NEVER loved him. But stay I did for 13 horrible years. Then one day I packed one bag, three kids and left the country for the city and never ever looked back.

Now I get angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did.

Do I understand it 'NO' I don't

Have I learnt to live with what happened to me 'NO' I haven't

Do I put up with bull sh!@#t now, NO I don't not that my hubby gives me any.

Only bull sh!@#t I have to put up with is that from my d BPD daughter who is cut from the same cloth as her father... .nasty horrible thing to say but very true.

[kathy45]

Joanna

do you really get over it ?

I  feel i never will...

And i just don't understand...

i can't understand the meaness, from someone thats says they can't live without you... .

I feel ruined as a person... .

[deliza]

Joanna - thank you for your extremely insightful post. ? I appreciate your thoughts and feelings so very much. ? I've been going through the push-pull again, through my own doing, calling to wish him a happy birthday, and two days later he berated me and tried to make me believe that I was such an awful human being again. ? I'm done -- I've thrown in the towel - for good. ? The last couple of months I've felt my spirit come back, the fun-loving, positive human being I was before I met the ex. ? Why did I mistakenly think he might have changed? ? Hope. ? We all have hope that people we love will get better. ? But many don't and it's not our fault! ?  I've still got work to do on me. ? I still get these tingles where I feel I'm not good enough, but I'm working on it and liking myself again. ? I won't allow another human being to ever abuse me again. ? There are so many people who believe as I do and don't hurt others intentionally or not. ? I know my ex is in pain -- but I can't help him and he doesn't see it. ? Anyone who reads this MUST truly believe that their life on this planet is short -- we all have the opportunity to make our lives the best it possibly can be. ? As Joanna has said -- get out and stay out. ?

Thank you again, Joanna -- you've really instilled some positive values in your post. ?

hugs and love

d

[Corrine]

Right on, Joanna!  I couldn't agree with you more.

I am out for three years now, and except for one re-engagement two years ago, have had no contact with my (now late) exbpbf.   Right now, I, like you, can't believe what I put up with from him and know that I should have bailed the minute I saw the abusive behaviors began to surface.  How much pain would have been avoided if I did that. However, I didn't and when our relationship ended, I went through very much what your friend is going through.  I could only see the good things in him and couldn't believe that there would be anyone else out there that would make me happy. I was in pretty deep, I really was.  I tried the patience of my friends, who were supportive but also pretty baffled at the same time.

Time and a greater belief in ourselves are the great healers

That and also continuing no contact was the best thing for me, as difficult as it was.   Hopefully, in time, your friend will come to see her ex for what he really was. 

[John Galt]

Joannak

When I was 18 I was ''in love'' with this girl,we lived togeather for 2 years and then she decided to move on .I was a heartbroken little boy (note I did not say man),and I thought I would never get over her.Years later,and not too many,I could not believe that I was ever involved with her because we grow as people and continue to grow as humans.

Note to Kathy45,yes you will get over it.It takes some time.

Anyway Joannak,I have been sharing with someone on this board privately and this persons' spouse stated ''Why don't you love me more than yourself,I do"

I explained that that is ridiculous because how can a rational human love the spouse more than themselves.It is unbelievable that someone could state this,and actually believe it ,unless of course you are BPD and you believe irrational things,I guess.

You are absolutely correct,it all boils down to self esteem,and with regards to my BPDwife,she has none,which is tragic.

I also think that most on this board-when and if they move on- will look back and ask themselves the same questions that you are asking now.Yours truly included.

In the last few days I have been repeating my new mantra to my soon to be exBPDwife(it warms my heart stating this) the following:

''I will not engage in your childish behaviour,I will not tolerate it any more''

If she does not let me finish this statement,then I text her.Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't but you know what,it feels warm and fuzzy inside either way!

Joannak,you;re the greatest.

Marc

[talion]

Joanna - I have to say thank you. ? Of all the posts I have read here at bpdfamily, it was your continual insight and wisdom above the others that really struck me and got me to open my eyes. ? Even though I have been out of Oz for a short time, I can look back at your replies to my posts and they continue to strengthen my resolve to stay out.

Think about yourself. Think about who you are and what you deserve.

Words to live by for sure. ? I see now that I was trying to give myself worth through her. ? I always deferred my feelings to her and never thought of myself, only her. ? If anything, I am grateful to my ex for putting me in the position to confront my lack of self worth and insecurities. ? I am also grateful to Joanna and bpdfamily for nudging me in the right direction to find the confidence and strength of character necessary to finally escape from Oz.

[egghead]

Joanna,

Your clarity and words still strike me every time I read one of your posts. I truely admire the strides you have made. ? 1 Day, 3 Months, or 20 years 'too late'... .the truth is, you made them. ? In the last 2 years since I have begun posting on bpdfamily, I hear more and more confidence and joy in your 'voice'... .

Thank you for your post. ? It is definitely something that I will continue to come back to and read often as it 'releases some cognitive juices' on my part... .

Bless you Joanna... .

Continue on the path you have created for yourself.

eGG

[0987]

JoK,

I will say this I appreciate and admire yourkick-ass attitude.

At times I thought some of the things you told people were really harsh and cold but you once asked me why I wanted a friend like my BP, when there are so many other great people out there... .and in my core I knew this but I was in denial... .I didn't want to give up, but I have since done a 180... .

You are right... .though it is painful to acknowledge, BPs though we can have compassion for their pain and illness we cannot have a mutually satisfying relationship with them... .they are too self-absorbed in their personal dramas to actually be able to fully engage with an other human being.

The reason I think it gets so nuts is because they strike a chord in you that triggers all the worst feelings we have about ourselves.

My friend tried to make me feel all the shame and self-loathing and doubt and ugliness that she feels about herself and it affected me so much because I have worked hard to rid myself of all that BS that my parents, my society and every other A-hole has ever tried to make me feel... .I was at a weak point in my life when I met her... .and that is what abusers look for though I believe on an subconscious level.?  I stuck out like a sore thumb for this woman and she descended like the vulture she is.

After a while, anger came across me and it was the best thing... .I really needed to feel that inorder to once and for all rid myself of this person.?  To quote my teenage hero... .Johnny Lydon,in PIL---"Anger is an energy... ."

Thanks again for this great post... .

[bella]

Joanna,

Thank you for this.  Your post is more than helpful.  I will read and reread it to help me make my decision.

You sound happy in your present relationship, this makes me feel that there is hope, hope for a real loving relationship for all of us who have trouble leaving or who have just left.

Thanks.  Bella

[JoannaK]

Thanks for your comments and your thoughts... .

Kathy45... .

Joanna

do you really get over it ?

I  feel i never will...

And i just don't understand...

i can't understand the meaness, from someone thats says they can't live without you... .

I feel ruined as a person... . 

Kathy, you can get over it... .but only if you work on yourself and your self-esteem.  Only when you honestly, truly, in the deepest part of your being, believe that you deserve better.  That means truly believing in and valuing yourself.  I think you can't start valuing yourself until you distance quite a bit from the abusive BPD partner.  As long as you still see yourself through the abusive eyes of your partner, you will have a hard time seeing yourself... .your strengths and your weaknesses.  So take an emotional break!  Don't listen to anything the BPD person does or says for a while and don't argue with him/her.  And, no, I also don't understand meanness from someone that says they can't live without you... .that's why you leave that person.  Love is as love does.

 

Bluemum... .

I don't know why I stayed with my 'X' and get this I NEVER loved him. But stay I did for 13 horrible years. Then one day I packed one bag, three kids and left the country for the city and never ever looked back.

Now I get angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did.

Do I understand it 'NO' I don't

Have I learnt to live with what happened to me 'NO' I haven't

Do I put up with bull sh!@#t now, NO I don't not that my hubby gives me any.

Only bull sh!@#t I have to put up with is that from my d BPD daughter who is cut from the same cloth as her father... .nasty horrible thing to say but very true.

Bluemum, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to deal with a BPD child.  My heart really goes out to those of you on the parenting board... .I'm so happy that my son is reasonable and not rebellious and mean.  You said you never loved your ex, bluemum, but you had children, and having children does make it difficult to leave, love or no love.     

Cornucopia... .

Thank you so much for this post. I needed to read it right now. I keep asking myself why I have waited 23 years to wake up. At least I can gain some strength knowing that there can be a life after the b.s., and that once I leave Oz I won't ever have to look back

.

There are so many brilliant insightful people here!  I still read a post and see things from a different perspective than I did, even though the subject isn't that different from what it was last year or the year before. 

Yes, cornucopia... .there is life, a good, rich life, after we manage to get free of the abusive partner.  I feel younger than I have in years... .I feel I'm subtracting years vs. adding years as the time away from my exh goes by. 

[kathy45]

Joanna

Thank you for your comments, they are helpful.  I am trying to remember that i am not the person she projects to me that i am.  I couldn't be as useless as she makes me out to be... If I was I wouldn't be where I am in life, I think thats what makes me desireable to her, I am somebody and she has the power to turn me into a nobody... .You are right I have to smarten up.  I'm not sure why i have let her have this power, i thought it was love... .and of course I'd do anything for love... .I love her and what she says means something to me and what she thinks of me is important... .

Anyway Thanks your posts are helpful... .

Kathy

[SusnXO]

Dear JoannaK and fellow Nookers ~

I havent been on this site for some time.   Im sure you all understand the reasons why . . .I had been trying to leave this almost 4 year relationship for almost as long!

I wont go on with the same stories as I have read here.  They are all so eerily similar.  The feelings we go through are the same as well.

I decided to post to sing the praises of you JoannaK!   (and the rest of you too!)

I am here today, reading the stories . . .because I know I have finally made the final decision to leave.  (non-diagnosed bp-like bf).

I was not surprised that it was you, JoannaK, that struck a chord with me.

Im just here to say, I have left, I have had no contact for one month, although he has attempted.  I have listened to the nasty messages saved on my machine in order to remind myself.  I will erase them soon . . .I have thought about it.   I have pictures and stuff hidden or already put away in my home from previous "break-ups."  Stuff that I never felt the desire to put back out, knowing deep down inside I would only have to do it again.

I dont know why I stayed so long . . .I do know why I was weak and fell into this toxic relationship.  Im fixing myself, slowly, steadily.  I know I can make no more progress unless I stay away from him for good.   I believe I was using him as an excuse not to heal further.  He was my block, I used him to feed my fear of having to move forward with my life and make decisions on my own.

Although I live on my own, with my own money and care for my 2 young daughters with the help of family and friends . . .I still kept him around to enable myself to stay stuck . . .

I dont know what the future holds, I havent yet found the strength to take the steps forward in any direction . . .but I have made the huge step of getting away from an abusive relationship that was causing me a great deal of pain and suffering.  I have punished myself enough.

Thank you to this board and all Nook posters.  For you help even the people who are silently, reluctantly, reading these posts for support.

God Bless you all XO

[bluemumdaughterbpd]

Joanna,

Your right it certainly makes it very hard to leave when you have kids even if you do despise the person that you are with.

Also my mother said more times then I can count two things

You make your bed you lie in it

and

Never hang your dirty laundry out for others to see!

I stuck by those two quotes I also didn't feel like I was worth anything at all so I was just trapped in a hell that I had created.

[hellnback]

ahh haa!

[ramble on]

I hear you. I too wonder why in the hell I dealt with the drama for over 20 years before I realized I had to pull the plug in order to keep my sanity and health. Over 20 years in spite of many many red flags since the beginning. I am now looking forward to some semblance of normality in my life. Curious to see and experience what a relationship with an emotionally healthy individual is like again.