Stuck in the Middle

[Skippy]

I'm at 6 weeks and I have intellectually accepted it - but I hurt more and more each day.  I have these same feelings that she will  resolve it, that I am having a conversation with her, about what she is  thinking about me.

I try to convince myself that it was never really happened the way I felt it... .and its doesn't seem possible.  I miss her boys.

I've tried to move forward but I just can't seem to go forward or backward.

I accidently found a picture last night (some one sent me some old photos).  We looked good together.

This really feels awful.

[Manx]

There are no easy answers, Skipping Back.  No shortcuts.  You have to go through the process, (of grieving), and it takes time.

Early on in my NC, the xBPDgf was on my mind almost constantly.  Even when I woke to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I would be thinking of her.  Now, 8 months into NC, I've been able to relish the realization that most times when I wake for a pee, I'm thinking of something else, not her!  It's a little victory that I'm having "normal" thoughts, like remembering what I was dreaming about, instead of my mind dragging me back to that past.

The other day, I was able to finally throw out the cards and delete the e-mails that I had been revisiting every now and then.  It was good to feel ready to do that.  I couldn't do it in the first few months, but it wasn't so hard at this stage.

I've been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for a few months now and I think I'm almost there.  You'll get there too.  Just be patient.  Realize that you have to think the thoughts and have the feelings - - it's all part of the process.

You can do it.  You'll be fine.

[brucey]

skip: six weeks is very brief.  Keep going.  Don't expect healing so soon.  Manx is at eight months, and doing much better.  I'm at a year and a half.  You will be fine.  You will suffer a lot now, but eventually it will gradually get better.  Thinking about you, and wishing you weren't hurting.  Bruce.

[Skippy]

Manx... .thanks for the comments.  Sometimes you feel you are the only one with your feelings... .I couldn't let go of the cards... .the non-stop thinking at night... .I try avoidance to ease the pain... .but I more and more thingns trigger me... .

I've begun to think in terms of a future that doesn't include her... .  it looks like such a dark hole... .women try to engage me... .but its nowhere in my heart... .

I know it will go away... .something inside me maybe doesn't even want to let the pain go... .its still a connection... .

Thanks agin Manx for some hope for light.

[Skippy]

Bruce... .

Thanks.  We have been apart most of 2005... .6 of the 10 months... .last time was 5 months... .now we are in week 5-6... .

I embarrassed at how much this hurts.

But you are right.

Its like the clock starts over again once you have contact for a couple of weeks.

[brucey]

It hurts more than anyone can imagine; worse than any physical pain.  It hurts so much we just want to scream until our voice tears and bleeds.  We want it to bleed out of us.  The pain and anquish and psychache are so great, it is nearly unbearable.  But it is bearable.  You can bear it.  You can do it.  It just takes time.  Find things to do.  Keep posting.  We're here for you.  I know how much it hurts, and I feel so sorry for you.  I went through it too, and while I am not completely over it (still want to die from now and then), I am much better than before.  Much.  You will get there skip.  It takes a long time.  Meanwhile, start fashioning a new life.  Change what you can.  Make your life as you want it in every way that you can.  Best, Bruce.

[Sapphire]

It hurts more than anyone can imagine; worse than any physical pain.?  It hurts so much we just want to scream until our voice tears and bleeds.?  We want it to bleed out of us.?  The pain and anquish and psychache are so great, it is nearly unbearable.?  But it is bearable.?  You can bear it.?  You can do it.?  It just takes time.?  Find things to do.?  Keep posting.?  We're here for you.?  I know how much it hurts, and I feel so sorry for you.?  I went through it too, and while I am not completely over it (still want to die from now and then), I am much better than before.?  Much.?  You will get there skip.?  It takes a long time.?  Meanwhile, start fashioning a new life.?  Change what you can.?  Make your life as you want it in every way that you can.?  Best, Bruce.

What Brucey wrote is true, Skip. It does hurt... .more than anyone can imagine (unless they've been there). But it does get better, you just have to be patient and give it time. There were times I didn't think I'd ever see any light at the end of the tunnel again either, but every day gets a little brighter.?  I still have my bad days too, when the anguish gets to be too much, but when that happens I remind myself that even though I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes, there was NOTHING I could do to save that doomed relationship. You will wake up some day and your anguish will subside to sadness, then acceptance, then letting go. It's long & painful journey, but you will get through it too, just like we all did. Keep reading & posting & learning; we are all here for you... .

((Hugs))

~SD~