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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Its not about match.com  (Read 2766 times)
Skippy
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« on: December 07, 2005, 04:06:39 PM »

I found mine at Match.com, and three more just like her later on, that place (Match.com) should be called www-page-not-found-net! The latter three didn't "get me" I smelled them out in about 10 minutes after meeting.

It's about us.

We wanted to believe.  They wanted to believe.

We just didn't have the skills to either make it work, stop the problem early, or cope with it afterwards.

Find 1 unhealthy person in a relationship, you most likely have two.

We all talk about how they paint us black... .sometimes I think we do the same.

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Oy-vey!
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2005, 04:08:22 PM »



I have been afraid to articulate the same perception, Skip.  Thank you for saying it.
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deliza
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2005, 04:53:18 PM »

I don't think that's totally true, Skip.  I never, ever painted my ex black -- until the day I had to leave because I couldn't take his behavior any more and then I had a right to judge because he was judging me in his sick way.  All I felt was compassion for him and love -- I stayed in the relationship six months and got OUT -- I thought better of myself and knew that I couldn't help him.  I wanted to.  I had PLENTY of skills.  I was in a very good place in my life and knew what I wanted.  HE did NOT have the skills and I couldn't teach him.  Again -- I would have loved to.  I'm again getting back to THAT place of love for ME -- although I never left it -- it just got lost along that fork in the road I took.  I still love my ex -- because I know of his kindness and goodness and warmth -- to me it still overshadows the sad, insecure, shell of a person he is when the demons strike.   None of us can "stop the problem" -- unless you mean the problem being us "nons" wanting to fix everything.  Yeah -- there's no way to fix them, just have to work on ourselves.  Divorced couples in so-called normal relationships have a hard time coping after the divorce.  Heartache.  We tried.  We did the best we could.  Coping with it afterwards -- well, broken hearts need mending.  These relationships were so mind-boggling.  We loved with everything we had in us -- to no avail.   Yeah - coping -- takes time to get through this.  That's why we're here.!

d
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KermitNJ
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2005, 05:26:39 PM »

Wow, Skip, that pretty much sums up a typical chosen relationship in a nutshell?  I know it works for me.?  Now that I'm getting better I can see how I was painting myself black.

This may date me, but I can still remember John Aston saying "... .but I'm much better now!"

Peace,

Kermit
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Sapphire
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2005, 06:10:50 PM »

I have to agree with Deliza on just about everything she said... .

I was in a good place too with myself when I met the ex; I knew what I wanted, and I thought he was what I was looking for. I didn't enter into the relatioship b/c I needed to, I entered into it b/c I wanted to. I thought he was the one for me. And I also thought in time (with enough love & patience & understanding) we could work through his issues. But that was before I knew about BPD... .

I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I know now I "triggered" some of his fears, without realizing I was doing it. But b/c of the push/pull that went on between us, my own insecurities were fueled by his actions. I NEVER had those same fears when I was with anyone else. And I didn't stay b/c I needed to. or b/c I thought I couldn't do "better"; I stayed b/c I loved him, and I wanted it to work.

If?  could go back in time, I would have handled some things differently. I'm not saying I would have continued to tolerate his abuse towards me, but I think I would have been able to judge things differently if?  I would have known now what I didn't know then... .

And I never painted my ex black (not even to this day). He is who he is, and I am who I am. I decided to leave, b/c he pushed me too far... .


~SD~

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fumbduck
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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2005, 11:54:52 PM »

hahahahaha! I just checked that match.com crap out! hahahahaha that's frickin cRazY ! dammm they all have to be psycho killers!


Me? well, I enjoy quiet evenings at home laying on the couch trying to grow roots out of my butt... .looking for a woman to pour beer down my piehole to help them grow.

hahahahahaha! yea boy!




editors note... .apparently it is obivous fumbduck is coming along quite nicely in his recovery efforts... .



hey wait! that's my ole lady on there!

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Bdawn
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« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2005, 12:27:21 AM »

I'm with Skip on this one although I acknowledge that it might not be true for all nons. Definitely there were two dysfunctional people in my bp relationship. Maybe I wasn't screwed up to the same degree or in the same way as my ex, but yes I have had problems all my life with codependance, low self esteem and abandoment. These problems lived in me before my ex ever came into my life and when he came on the scene it was like these underlying problems of mine were unleashed. I triggered his pain and deepest fears, he triggered mine.
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Gulfstream
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« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2005, 06:36:04 AM »

Sure, it takes two to have a dysfunctional relationship; I think that the population of BPD is higher on Match.com than you find in the regular population. It's the instant-on-off, just press the delete button and go on to a new one that attracts them. And I do believe it is a hunt, to fill their emptiness with fanciful adoration where they never need to get “close.”

Think about it, over 1,000,000 people as supply, and relationships can last just as long as you don't push the delete key, then when you do,  there is new supply waiting in line. You are lavished with electronic admiration, electronic intimacy and you have heaps of control, a happy formula for borderlines.

Match.com isn't the problem, it just a big BPD electronic singles bar. My BPD was addicted to it. she would sign on within minutes; minutes of break-ups, sometimes minutes before.

Match.com is kind of a burning building, why run into it unless you are a fireman, or therapist? There are good people there, sure, but youve got to be very selective and careful thats all., more so than the usual ways of meeting people.
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bendit
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« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2005, 08:04:26 AM »

I agree with Gulfstream here. My ex used to tell me she got a rush from the winks and emails that came flooding in when she used the service, and when she used it, she Used it alot.   Mine had this need to be validated that came out into the open when she drank. She could get validation from Match without the messy consequences of bad behaviour in front of friends and a hangover. On match, she knew she was adored. Look at all the emails telling her so!

Its really perfect for them. Mine would use it to find the "perfect" guy, much like we would use the Internet to search out the right car for us. It is a minefield laden with disordered people. I always wondered why mine wouldn't just go out after work and just get involved and join groups, get out there. She was attractive enough. But that's too Tough. Rather, she would spend hours after work, "virtually" meeting new guys. It requires work to actually go do things in real life and putting yourself out there and potentially being rejected and having some disappointment. And too, you are Alone while doing this work, and we can't have that.   With match, you just move on to one of the many many adoring folks who validate you daily.

regards
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Gulfstream
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« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2005, 09:16:36 AM »

Road hit the exact "word." Her life is filled with finding the "perfect" guy. When she finds him, she feels more loved (one way here) than she's ever felt before. In a month or two, he begins to have "problems" but she can "work it out between two people when they want to." Then there is the "new" AIM screen name, about two to three weeks later, it's "he is a psychopath" and he has changed, and "I won't settle" "I've done that in my past," "I'm going to wait until I find my "perfect" man."  ;==

Back to Match.com for new supply, adoration and internet love :P

There are plenty more there if you want a new BPD. Yah in the general pop. as well, it's just that so many more seem to hang out on Match.com, and you can pick and chose your new looney, right from the pictures!  :Smiling (click to insert in post)

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da; Life goes on.

And if you want some fun, stay away from Match.com!

The Beatles

IMHO!
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longhaul

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« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2005, 10:18:49 PM »

Well, now I don't feel so bad.  I registered with match.com a while ago and got exactly zero action, maybe that was for the best.

Also, my exBPD found her new victim online before even breaking up with me, so I have to agree that it is a medium that seems to work for them.
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amybeth79
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« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2006, 01:04:29 PM »

I think maybe the reason there seems to be a lot of borderlines on match.com is because a lot of us have social issues.  I'm terribly afraid of meeting people IRL, so the internet kinda gave me a "shield" of sorts.

However, I think Skip has a very good point.  We see what we want to see. I knew my ex-husband was a mess long before I left him.  I stayed because I chose to see something good in him; despite the fact that there really wasn't anything inside.

AmyBeth
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Jaded
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« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2006, 10:16:32 PM »

I agree it's not Match.com that is the problem but it sure is a magnet for disordered persons.  My Ex loves Match.  He can lie and live his dream of the perfect mate.  I didn't met him on-line but that is where he meets most of his partners.  Match has a responsibility to provide a link created by members warning others about the bad apples.  This might clean up their site because right now it is a cesspool of freaks and geeks.  Jaded
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Lawrence

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« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2006, 11:23:21 PM »

It takes two people to have a (good) relationship, it only takes one to ruin it.
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deliza
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« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2006, 09:17:19 AM »

Amen Lawrence -- It does take TWO --

I got out when my 100% of giving didn't work  and I realized it would never work. No, I'm not perfect, by no means, but  I DIDN'T STAY!  Some do -- I couldn't.  He fooled me big time!

d

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Curmudgeon
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« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2006, 09:50:23 PM »

I stayed.  I shouldn't have.  Thankfully, she left and then I divorced her.  She has since alienated all our children as well but now it's from herself instead of me.
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steinie21

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« Reply #16 on: January 26, 2006, 09:02:43 AM »

 :D Hey all I know that my EXBPDGF was on several dating sites when we were together and when I found out I was told it isnt real and it was just an ego thing because she no longer thought she was desirable. I made her move in late August from my home here, but we continued seeing each other for a couple months. As far as I know her ads on Match.com, Adult Friend Finder, Bikerkiss.com.and several others are still there. She sometimes falls back on her Christian persona so she may have ads on those sites too. Occasionaly a friend will run across one and send me a link,and its interesting reading. On one she is a devout Christian mother of three teenage sons{non of which live with her},on another she is seeking to be a submissive in a bdsm relationship, in yet another she is a Pshyc major in college trying to better her life through helping her sisters ect. Man I would look twice before dating a woman from any online site ever.
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bendit
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« Reply #17 on: January 26, 2006, 11:50:20 AM »

Exactly the same as my ex Amy. She has social anxiety disorder so she says and takes medication for it. She could easily attract guys if she went out and got involved in things after work but she simply takes the easy road and uses match.com. It really is ideal for her and does she ever get her money's worth! I think she might be considered a "quiet" one... .unless she is drinking.   

regards

I think maybe the reason there seems to be a lot of borderlines on match.com is because a lot of us have social issues.  I'm terribly afraid of meeting people IRL, so the internet kinda gave me a "shield" of sorts.

However, I think Skip has a very good point.  We see what we want to see. I knew my ex-husband was a mess long before I left him.  I stayed because I chose to see something good in him; despite the fact that there really wasn't anything inside.

AmyBeth

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